After all these years..lying..over a stripper..

[8 months of hell]

OK I am in need of some input. In August of 2007 my husband attended a Bachlor Party. They went to a Gentlemens Club in New Jersey. OK no big deal, knowing my husband for 20 years, I thought no harm in this. WRONG, over the next several weeks I learned more and more about what really went on there. Not happy. Thinking we had a honest relationship I asked him about a few things.....lies, lies, and more lies. I couldn't believe he could look me straight in the face and lie. A few more weeks passed, I felt so alone and betrayed, why would the love of my life lie to me, especially for something he states was so meaningless? Anyway I started to doubt everything about the past 20 years....getting more and more agitated, this started to affect my marriage, my friends (who's husbands were also there) and my children. I decided this was my problem and sought a therapist. She helped me to understand some of my feelings, and for a while I felt better....that is when the **it hit the fan. I have recently learned my husband touched everything he could get his hands on. Needless to say he was at a fully nude club, picked out his choice and proceeded to have a 4 minute lapdance with her. His hands were on ALL of her private parts. I am so hurt. I asked him several questions before I went to therapy (my therapist told me it would help with my anger) he continued to lie. WHY I get no answer only that he is so sorry, this will never happen again, and please forgive me-now since I cannot even look him in the face (only because of the hurt I feel) he wants to go to counciling.....I feel everything has been his way. I went to the counciling thing, unfortunately didn't take I was feeding my therapist all the lies he told me? I am so sad, I want so space. He says if he leaves for a few days he knows I will never let him back. I am not even at that point yet...I just need some space. 20 years I now I cannot look him in his eyes. Am I crazy?

[Frances]

I am very sorry you are going through this. When you are a long time married its very hard to accept that the man you have loved for all that time does not live up to what we think they are.

 

In the case of a [FONT=&quot]bachelor[/FONT] party I expect he had a lot to drink (no excuse) and was egged on by the crowd with him. It is amazing what people will do when in a group which they would never dream of doing on their own.

 

Did he tell you about this or did someone else?

 

It will take you along time to recover from it all. You will in time with reassurance from him. Perhaps he will agree not to go to any of these places again. Give yourself time to allow you to grieve over this. He did not do it to hurt you he was taken along with the group. Its is not only kids who get caught up in crowd mentality.

[melodymatters]

Hi there girlfriend, I do not mean to make light of your feelings, but you asked for our opinions so here goes. ( Note : I am 40, have been married, and I'm a mom, I'm not a little 'kid')

 

Yeah, it sucks and I would give my hubby a bit, a BIT of a hard time over it, but it is NOT WORTH RUINING YOUR MARRIAGE OVER !!!!

 

He's at least 40 right, and been loyal for these last 20 yrs ? Well, he was in an "imaginary sex for men" disneyland.

 

It is no threat to YOU or your family, he "touched" a stranger, a most likely 19 yr old child, with a 24 IQ, and more plastic in her tits than she has brains, who probably has an idiotic BF who beats her up and takes her money for coke.

 

It was fantasy, he doesn't know her name and she forgot about him after she pocketed his 20 bucks.

 

This is really not even close to as hurtful or dangerous as if he had a sexy smart co-worker, who he saw every day, shared his thoughts and feelings with.

 

My BF can look at a pair of pretty boobs, without me feeling threatened, if he had an emotional affair, that would tear me up a lot worse.

 

This is just my opinion, but unless you are all born again christians or something, I would be thrilled if this was as close as he ever came to cheating in 20 years.

[LakesideDream]

I agree with melody.. throwing away a 20 year investment/committment wouldn't be wise.

 

That being said.. an opinion from an "Old Dog". In the middle of a 25 year marriage (extinct circa 2001) I went to one bachelor party at a strip club, my one and only experiance in one of those places. As the oldest guy there, married with two kids I was the designated driver. The groom was smart enough to rent a 15 passenger van for the occasion. I was bored silly. I told my then wife about it, and I thought at the time she accepted it. After a bunch of threads on strip clubs here on LS, I'm no longer sure about that.

 

Currently, at my age 57 if I am lucky enough to get into a serious relationship again, I wouldn't set a single toe in a strip club, regardless of the occasion or event. It's obvious that most women here are very angry/dissapointed with their mates that go to strip clubs, and believe me, it's not worth the time or effort.

 

Take heed fellow Male LS'ers. Strip clubs ain't worth it.

[Scrivdog]

How do you know for sure he did all those things? Some other guy who was there told you? Or better yet, the spouse of a guy who was there? What exactly do you think he's lying about?

 

I hope you're not taking the word of a stranger or any third person over the one of your husband of 20 years?

[Poster]

Thank you, and I mean ALL of you. I was listening to all the wrong people, and with every snide remark made me obsessive in investigation this strip club. Alot of slime bags will tell you alot of things. My SO did go, did have a lapdance but did not touch. He claimed to me last evening it was one of the worst experiances he ever had...but only did it out of curosity, said he did not even pay for the dance one of the other guys did and even picked out the women.

 

I explained to him, then why not just tell the truth to me. I guess its a man thing, when you get to these clubs, I guess your suppose to act another way, the old cliche code of silence..he was quite happy with just looking (which does not bother me at all, I am pretty liberal) We are both in our early 40's and have been together for 20 years, the kicker here is I have a 27 year old son from my first marriage who was there also....I know don't yell at me.

 

I should have approached him, we are very close. I was embarassed to ask him. He called me yesterday and I broke down and told him what I had "learned". He laughed so hard and re-assured me nothing like that went on. He was with his step-dad the entire time and non of that went on.....I was searching for answers in all the wrong places and now know what an a**hole I have been. I put my SO, my children and most of all myself in such a state, I am exhausted.

 

It is so amazing what the mind can do, and also taking remarks from outsiders the wrong way....we have decided some of those people are not our friends but we need to move on.....together.

 

Thanks again, all of you made sense, and made me move to the right direction.

[Carbine]

Hmmpff...'Gentlemen's Club' my a**! If the types of men attending those places are gentlemen, then I'm the Queen of England.

 

8 months: sorry to hear about what happened, that's really awful. You have every right to feel the way you do. I went through something similar with my ex-bf, and although we'd only been together a few months, it hurt like nothing else when I finally found out after a year. IMO, Clubs of this sort should all be burned to the ground. I have absolutely no tolerance for them whatsoever because they freely promote cheating, irresponsibility and deceptiveness - as unfortunately you have experienced. 20 years of committment in a place like that means sweet FA - Poof! It's gone in a flash. My ex didn't even feel guilty for what he did, even though I was devastated. And you know what? The fact that he'd gotten a lapdance at a *ahem*...gentlemen's club...*cough* rather than cheated outright made no difference to me, in fact it made it worse. It was like he knew he'd technically crossed the line by feeling up/being felt up by a nude woman but he also knew he could get away with justifying it simply because he was at a club. This absolutely enraged me because I felt totally helpless.

 

But getting back to your situation - while it sucks what he did, i don't think it's the be-all-end-all for your relationship. Nobody says you have to forgive him or that he has to come begging. What's done is done and although your grief, rage and hurt will take a long time to start receeding, in the end I guess you have to move past it.I think that as soon as you get your head together, before you do anything else you need to make some hard and fast rules about what is acceptable behaviour within your relationship. I don't care what anyone says - to do otherwise is tempting fate. It's f***ing HARD, believe me but I think you can do it. When I found out what my ex had done, I wanted a solution YESTERDAY. I was desperate for anything, I wanted him to go back in a time machine and change things, I wanted him to feel such remorse for his actions that he'd wake up screaming, I wanted to hurt him ten times worse than he'd done to me. It was like time had momentarily stopped - all I could focus on was what had happened. In the end we i was able to move on when the shock eventually subsided, but I certainly never forgave him and it put a permanent dint in the relationship. We eventually split up because he wanted his freedom. However, you guys have 20 years of history behind you, so I'm sure you have some strong foundations which you can build on. Good luck.

 

It was fantasy, he doesn't know her name and she forgot about him after she pocketed his 20 bucks.

 

It was not. A fantasy would be a hypothetical act, played out in his mind, or verbalised, or written down. Fair enough, he's a male so most likely his fantasies revolve around sex/intimacy with naked hot young women other than his wife. These fantasies became a reality the second he sauntered into the *cough* Gentlemen's club. I mean, it took place upon physical premises where his skin came into contact with that of another woman, he had real (fake) tits being rubbed all over him, and as a result, a real person's feelings have been hurt. I don't see for the life of me how that can be chalked up to being just a fantasy.

[Frances]

Carbine

 

You are way over the top.

 

What happened is done and there is no use blowing it up out of all proportion.

 

The guy made a mistake that is very upsetting for his wife. He did not have an affair. Of course she is hurt and I am sure he is sorry. He would not like it if she had felt some guy up. It would be better to get closure on this for both their sakes and just take this as a wake up call on what happens at these batchelor parties.

[Carbine]

Carbine

 

You are way over the top.

 

What happened is done and there is no use blowing it up out of all proportion.

 

The guy made a mistake that is very upsetting for his wife. He did not have an affair. Of course she is hurt and I am sure he is sorry. He would not like it if she had felt some guy up. It would be better to get closure on this for both their sakes and just take this as a wake up call on what happens at these batchelor parties.

 

And how exactly am I being over the top?? As far as I'm aware, I seconded basically everything you said in your original post - bar the 'crowd mentality' thing because IMO that's letting him off the hook way too easily. Also, I never said that they wouldn't eventually find closure, quite the opposite in fact. However, trying to force closure is something that I think she should avoid. In regards to my situation, I was never able to find closure with my ex, but then again, we didn't have 20 years of history behind us.

 

No maybe 8 Months of Hell's husband didn't have an 'affair' but does that really make much difference? True there was no emotional attachment between him and the stripper, but there was an act of physical/sexual intimacy. The same act could have taken place outside of the strip club premises and then it would definately count as cheating - with or without emotions being involved.

[Enema]

OK I am in need of some input. In August of 2007 my husband attended a Bachlor Party.

 

Your husband has access to some sort of time machine?

 

Since it hasn't happened yet, let him know that you will most probably over-react when it does happen and that you will allow the relationship to fall apart because of your insecurities.

 

Maybe that will stop him.

[Topper]

How do you know for sure he did all those things? Some other guy who was there told you? Or better yet, the spouse of a guy who was there? What exactly do you think he's lying about?

 

I hope you're not taking the word of a stranger or any third person over the one of your husband of 20 years?

 

 

You ask what I think needs to ask good post.

The question does need to be ask, how do you know what you were told by others is true?

You and your Husband need to go see that therapist. Maybe with a therapist acting as neutral party the two of you can work this out. Nothing will be resolved unless the two of you work it out.

As a side note I have never heard of one club that will allow any man to touch one of the dancers even with a lap dance it is strictly hands off. If you do touch, a bouncer might break your arm.

That alone makes me think this is a story that has gotten out of hand and exasperated out of proportion.

[rainfall]

Your husband has access to some sort of time machine?

 

Since it hasn't happened yet, let him know that you will most probably over-react when it does happen and that you will allow the relationship to fall apart because of your insecurities.

 

Maybe that will stop him.

 

 

Really it is not about insecurities at all. If someone finds it wrong for their partner to cheat on them with a stripper then the partner should respect it. I don't think she should end the relationship over this (mostly because she has children). However just because a man has been faithful for 20, 3, 40, or 100 years does not make it ok for him to touch some skank. I don't give a crap if strip clubs are a "ok form of cheating".

My man better never touch some skank stripper or I would leave his sorry butt. I wouldn't give a crap how long he had been faithful to me.The second he allowed some chick other them me to touch him or he begain to touch her he was no longer faithful.

[Poster]

OK here it is in a nutshell.........sorry should have been 2006 not 2007 smart a.

 

I still son't believe a word he says, have been proven wrong, but my SO is going through something, male-menapause.....???? You tell me. I accused him of touching her all over and he agreed, said he ways sorry. Someone I spoke with said impossible, bouncers would have kicked him out. He told me he did it because everyone else did? I baited him he took it hook, line and sinker....I don't know what to believe anymore....other people tell me no way, he says he said it to get me off his back...all I want is the truth. After 20 years do you think I am asking for the world?

[Miss Jane]

I agree with melody.. throwing away a 20 year investment/committment wouldn't be wise.

 

That being said.. an opinion from an "Old Dog". In the middle of a 25 year marriage (extinct circa 2001) I went to one bachelor party at a strip club, my one and only experiance in one of those places. As the oldest guy there, married with two kids I was the designated driver. The groom was smart enough to rent a 15 passenger van for the occasion. I was bored silly. I told my then wife about it, and I thought at the time she accepted it. After a bunch of threads on strip clubs here on LS, I'm no longer sure about that.

 

Currently, at my age 57 if I am lucky enough to get into a serious relationship again, I wouldn't set a single toe in a strip club, regardless of the occasion or event. It's obvious that most women here are very angry/dissapointed with their mates that go to strip clubs, and believe me, it's not worth the time or effort.

 

Take heed fellow Male LS'ers. Strip clubs ain't worth it.

 

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I am like "8 months of hell" and have been married almost 23 years now. Last July my husband went to a strip club for the first time and got a lap dance. I was and am deeply hurt. I feel like I don't know him anymore. I don't see how he could have such a lapse in judgement. He didn't tell me about it until a friend "slipped" last December and joked about it--he didn't know that I didn't know. So, I also felt lied to--which only means who knows what else he lies about. I can usually tell, but after this I guess I just don't really know. We also have two daughters--the same age as the strippers and I find that even more offensive. The stripper he was with is in high school. Anyways, I've posted on a few other threads and this forum has given me a venue to get other perspectives--thanks for yours.

[Miss Jane]

OK here it is in a nutshell.........sorry should have been 2006 not 2007 smart a.

 

I still son't believe a word he says, have been proven wrong, but my SO is going through something, male-menapause.....???? You tell me. I accused him of touching her all over and he agreed, said he ways sorry. Someone I spoke with said impossible, bouncers would have kicked him out. He told me he did it because everyone else did? I baited him he took it hook, line and sinker....I don't know what to believe anymore....other people tell me no way, he says he said it to get me off his back...all I want is the truth. After 20 years do you think I am asking for the world?

 

 

Your story sounds a lot like mine. I hate to be redundant but maybe you can see some of my posts on other threads. I've been married almost 23 years and my husband did the same--almost. He didn't tell me about the lapdance and I found out several months later when his friend joked about it--not knowing that I didn't know. Anyways, he paid $50 and the lapdances are $30. He said he didn;t tip her so I'm wondering if him and his friends got a little more "entertainment". He says he didn't touch the stripper (still in high school), but he has been so defensive about the whole thing that I think he is still lying. Not being sure if he was being truthful about the touching, I posed the question to him, "what if you could touch her?", and he said it would have been okay, because that's what you do in a strip club and so it is acceptable. Then he gave me a lame lecture about "intent". He had no intention of having sex with the stripper--so I guess he thinks anything else goes. So I asked him if counted oral sex as sex--he says it is. I never knew the moral bounds of our marriage had to be so intricately defined. He fought with me over the high school thing too and argued there was no way she was in high school and later he forgot his lie and told me a different story and turns out he knew all along that she had said she was in high school. I just found this all the more offensive because we have two daughters around the same age. My H told me when he went "into her office" for his private lapdance, he thought of me and that I wouldn't like it, but I guess it didn't mean much to him at the time. And then he chose not to tell me about it--a lie by omission--that is a thread I posted about a month ago. There are several threads on the strip club topic.

 

That's all I want too--the truth. We can't talk about it at all because he just starts yelling at me because I'm making a big deal out of it. I think he expected, or hoped I'd be one of the wives that didn't care. The fact that he didn't tell me shows me that he knew I'd be upset. Finding out accidentally made it worse because of the lying factor. Now 48 years old, I just find this all so depressing. I guess after 20+ years they just get bored--so sad. Especially when they have wives that love and have always been faithful to them. This has totally changed how I feel about my husband and our marriage. My kids are grown and in school now. . . it may be time for me to move on.

[Miss Jane]

Really it is not about insecurities at all. If someone finds it wrong for their partner to cheat on them with a stripper then the partner should respect it. I don't think she should end the relationship over this (mostly because she has children). However just because a man has been faithful for 20, 3, 40, or 100 years does not make it ok for him to touch some skank. I don't give a crap if strip clubs are a "ok form of cheating".

My man better never touch some skank stripper or I would leave his sorry butt. I wouldn't give a crap how long he had been faithful to me.The second he allowed some chick other them me to touch him or he begain to touch her he was no longer faithful.

 

Rainfall,

I've seen your posts on several threads on this topic. Thanks for all your insight. You've probably seen some of mine and I know I need to get over the whole thing. I don't see how men can think that the "touching" isn't being unfaithful just because it is going on in a strip club. I got a lecture from my husband about "intent". Since he didn't do it with the intent of having sex with the stripper--that made it okay. I want to puke.

[GreenEyedLady]

OP: I don't mean to make your fears worse...but this is what happened to my best friend...

 

She'd been married three years with a 3 year old...her H went to his brother's bachelor party...she found out that he had really behaved badly and was doing body shots off her breasts (and more but I don't remember all the details)...

 

She was really upset by it, but thought everyone would think she was crazy if she left over something like that...they went to a few counseling sessions and that was that...

 

Fast forward six years later...he left her for a stripper...they had just bought a house and had their second child...

 

Make sure you trust your H and he makes sure to do everything to rebuild it and not make the same mistake twice...

[Frances]

OP: I don't mean to make your fears worse...but this is what happened to my best friend...

 

She'd been married three years with a 3 year old...her H went to his brother's bachelor party...she found out that he had really behaved badly and was doing body shots off her breasts (and more but I don't remember all the details)...

 

She was really upset by it, but thought everyone would think she was crazy if she left over something like that...they went to a few counseling sessions and that was that...

 

Fast forward six years later...he left her for a stripper...they had just bought a house and had their second child...

 

Make sure you trust your H and he makes sure to do everything to rebuild it and not make the same mistake twice...

 

Am I the only one who thinks a mountain is being made over a molehill.

 

They have been married 20 years his stepson was with him.

[Lizzie60]

Hmmpff...'Gentlemen's Club' my a**! If the types of men attending those places are gentlemen, then I'm the Queen of England.

 

8 months: sorry to hear about what happened, that's really awful. You have every right to feel the way you do. I went through something similar with my ex-bf, and although we'd only been together a few months, it hurt like nothing else when I finally found out after a year. IMO, Clubs of this sort should all be burned to the ground. I have absolutely no tolerance for them whatsoever because they freely promote cheating, irresponsibility and deceptiveness - as unfortunately you have experienced. 20 years of committment in a place like that means sweet FA - Poof! It's gone in a flash. My ex didn't even feel guilty for what he did, even though I was devastated. And you know what? The fact that he'd gotten a lapdance at a *ahem*...gentlemen's club...*cough* rather than cheated outright made no difference to me, in fact it made it worse. It was like he knew he'd technically crossed the line by feeling up/being felt up by a nude woman but he also knew he could get away with justifying it simply because he was at a club. This absolutely enraged me because I felt totally helpless.

 

But getting back to your situation - while it sucks what he did, i don't think it's the be-all-end-all for your relationship. Nobody says you have to forgive him or that he has to come begging. What's done is done and although your grief, rage and hurt will take a long time to start receeding, in the end I guess you have to move past it.I think that as soon as you get your head together, before you do anything else you need to make some hard and fast rules about what is acceptable behaviour within your relationship. I don't care what anyone says - to do otherwise is tempting fate. It's f***ing HARD, believe me but I think you can do it. When I found out what my ex had done, I wanted a solution YESTERDAY. I was desperate for anything, I wanted him to go back in a time machine and change things, I wanted him to feel such remorse for his actions that he'd wake up screaming, I wanted to hurt him ten times worse than he'd done to me. It was like time had momentarily stopped - all I could focus on was what had happened. In the end we i was able to move on when the shock eventually subsided, but I certainly never forgave him and it put a permanent dint in the relationship. We eventually split up because he wanted his freedom. However, you guys have 20 years of history behind you, so I'm sure you have some strong foundations which you can build on. Good luck.

 

 

 

It was not. A fantasy would be a hypothetical act, played out in his mind, or verbalised, or written down. Fair enough, he's a male so most likely his fantasies revolve around sex/intimacy with naked hot young women other than his wife. These fantasies became a reality the second he sauntered into the *cough* Gentlemen's club. I mean, it took place upon physical premises where his skin came into contact with that of another woman, he had real (fake) tits being rubbed all over him, and as a result, a real person's feelings have been hurt. I don't see for the life of me how that can be chalked up to being just a fantasy.

 

with the fantasy part... the thing is.. he acted upon this fantasy but my concern (as a wife) would be this: what if he thinks about her while he is making love to me... when he masturbates... What if he wants it again, or more.

[jmargel]

Am I the only one who thinks a mountain is being made over a molehill.

 

They have been married 20 years his stepson was with him.

 

 

Don't you realize that every guy that attends a strip club is a lying, cheating pig? What we do is considered worse than murder by these women. One night at a strip club will easily cancel out 20+ years of marriage. We can't be trusted since we only think with our small head there, and it just winds up that we act like monkeys in that sort of environment.

 

We just can't be trusted. However these are the same women who dictate to us what we can and can't do using the 'disrespect' routine, while they are going out on a saturday night dressing up.

 

In other words.. Do your husband the favor and leave him. Let him find a woman that is going to trust him in those places. A four minute lap dance does not mean he had sex with her or felt her up. Most clubs have strict guidelines about men touching the girls.

 

I guess when you said your vows you forgot the 'better or worse' part. Men are not allowed to make mistakes as you are.

[rainfall]

Don't you realize that every guy that attends a strip club is a lying, cheating pig? What we do is considered worse than murder by these women. One night at a strip club will easily cancel out 20+ years of marriage. We can't be trusted since we only think with our small head there, and it just winds up that we act like monkeys in that sort of environment.

 

We just can't be trusted. However these are the same women who dictate to us what we can and can't do using the 'disrespect' routine, while they are going out on a saturday night dressing up.

 

In other words.. Do your husband the favor and leave him. Let him find a woman that is going to trust him in those places. A four minute lap dance does not mean he had sex with her or felt her up. Most clubs have strict guidelines about men touching the girls.

 

I guess when you said your vows you forgot the 'better or worse' part. Men are not allowed to make mistakes as you are.

 

 

What about the forsakking all others part of the vows? Seriously Jmargel if somone finds strippers and lap dances wrong it is their choice and unless you are dating them then you can't tell them they are wrong to feel that way.

[Poster]

I do not have an issue or should I say I did not have an issue with my SO going to a strip club, those skanks cannot hold a candle to me.....I have a problem with lying and touching. My husband acting like a "boy" not the man I married. Yes you are right jmargel....he made a mistake.....but there was no reason to lie. None what so ever and as far as the touching...again totally unacceptable. Now he knows this and is sorry and I will try to forgive him ....but I am entitled to feel betrayed and hurt.

 

I am also sorry to you Miss Jane, I know EXACTLY how you feel.....and I am sorry for that, it is not a good feeling but hopefully someday will subside, if not, maybe we both need to move on, a shame but reality. Time will tell.

[CaringSoul]

[

In other words.. Do your husband the favor and leave him. Let him find a woman that is going to trust him in those places. A four minute lap dance does not mean he had sex with her or felt her up. Most clubs have strict guidelines about men touching the girls.

 

I guess when you said your vows you forgot the 'better or worse' part. Men are not allowed to make mistakes as you are.

 

 

Maybe I will and let him have what obviously I cannot give him. Yes what about forsaking all others.

 

Maybe now I don't want him anymore!

[jmargel]

Then leave him. Have you actually got details on what really went on there? Or is he only telling you some and you are assuming the rest?

 

Have you talked and come to an agreement about these places before this happened?

 

Don't assume anything.

 

You might be hurt on what happened, but he didn't do it to hurt you. He didn't do it because he doesn't love you, he did it for entertainment purposes only.

 

Somehow I suspect this thread is going to turn into another anti-stripper threads, so I will end it here.

[b_nextdoor]

I have recently learned my husband touched everything he could get his hands on. Needless to say he was at a fully nude club, picked out his choice and proceeded to have a 4 minute lapdance with her. His hands were on ALL of her private parts.

Wow! Where did you find all of this out, and on what merits are you basing your decision to not believe your husband vs. whoever is feeding you this information? From reading your post, your outlook on life seems a bit innocent and naive, if I may say that. Let's say, for the sake of conversation, that your husband did* do everything you heard about while he was out at the strip club with his friends. Have you stopped and asked yourself one question --- why?

 

Why not do something completely radical like... forgiving him and then finding out what is missing in your relationship from his perspective and making an honest effort to try to get him re-focused on your 20 year marriage? Maybe take a trip together somewhere and you can do a striptease for him?