Author outofdarkness Posted June 13, 2007 Author Posted June 13, 2007 If you and the kids both avoid him when he is there - isn't that adding to your sons stress level? Can you try to talk to him at night when the kids are asleep? I am sorry I don't know your whole situation and it sounds like it is difficult. Do you personally want to stay in your marriage? Do you want to work on it for your marriage's sake? I am not trying to be insensitive, so forgive me if I am wrong here, it sounds like it might be better for everyone if he were gone from the house and the marriage. Though he should certainly still be expected to support you and the children. IDK..but I'll ponder your post and try to reply when I'm alittle more clear headed. He just emailed to accuse me of contacting one of his old OW..I have done this in indirect ways on a few occasions in the past, but not since he left town yesterday. He says she called him twice while he was at dinner w/ colleagues..My guess is that he's somehow trying to cover his tracks and blame shift. Thanks for posting.
Lynna Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 Oh Man, sorry to hear that OOD. Yes, I think you are right, it sure sounds like he is trying to shift the blame. And it is not fair of him to accuse you! I wish you all the best in figuring out what to do. I know it is not easy!!! We are here for you! Hang in there!
jmargel Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 You two definetly need marriage counseling to improve your communication skills and to really find out what is happening.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 Communications skills????? OH, yeah right! Hello Dear, how was your day??? Great, I had breakfast with Susie, Annie for lunch, and I just have a quick sec to freshen up before meeting ... uh gosh, I can't remember her name but I'll never forget the pics she sent me today. Dear, I'm affraid you have forgotten or maybe my communication skills are lacking but it hurts me deeply when you screw around, I feel dead inside, the anger and betrayal are affecting my health and our families happiness. Whether you're lying or not my mind now assumes you are and questions everthing, this is hell. OMG, I had no clue, I'll stop lying this very moment... gosh we've had this conversation 11 million times but its the first time I've actually heard you. He cannot/ will not communicate with her, this is how he wants it. We are not talking about someone with one outside love interest, this is a way of life for serial cheaters. How could he ever admit out loud and have everything he wants. People are their to serve HIS needs, he only communicates as it serves his purpose. The GAME for a gambler isn't necissarily poker, the game becomes how to get the money to gamble at poker, how to hide that you are gambling to a dangerous extent. The addiction becomes about much more than sex in the case of serial cheaters, the addiction is to the GAME. Its the lying, danger, risk taking that releases the hormones that get those pleasure centers firing. I guarantee you that if you had a recording of every conversation they had had over the last two years that her words might vary but his responses would be exactly the same, and they would be scarily familiar to every spouse who has ever been in this situation. No amount of communication can fix these types of situations. I used to pray that my WS would hit his head and wake up with amnesia, that was the only realistic hope I could fathom that might change his little personal problem. Then all I would have to do in convince him of what a stand up guy he used to be, and maybe how much he enjoyed ironing.
Author outofdarkness Posted June 13, 2007 Author Posted June 13, 2007 Communications skills????? OH, yeah right! Hello Dear, how was your day??? Great, I had breakfast with Susie, Annie for lunch, and I just have a quick sec to freshen up before meeting ... uh gosh, I can't remember her name but I'll never forget the pics she sent me today. Dear, I'm affraid you have forgotten or maybe my communication skills are lacking but it hurts me deeply when you screw around, I feel dead inside, the anger and betrayal are affecting my health and our families happiness. Whether you're lying or not my mind now assumes you are and questions everthing, this is hell. OMG, I had no clue, I'll stop lying this very moment... gosh we've had this conversation 11 million times but its the first time I've actually heard you. He cannot/ will not communicate with her, this is how he wants it. We are not talking about someone with one outside love interest, this is a way of life for serial cheaters. How could he ever admit out loud and have everything he wants. People are their to serve HIS needs, he only communicates as it serves his purpose. The GAME for a gambler isn't necissarily poker, the game becomes how to get the money to gamble at poker, how to hide that you are gambling to a dangerous extent. The addiction becomes about much more than sex in the case of serial cheaters, the addiction is to the GAME. Its the lying, danger, risk taking that releases the hormones that get those pleasure centers firing. I guarantee you that if you had a recording of every conversation they had had over the last two years that her words might vary but his responses would be exactly the same, and they would be scarily familiar to every spouse who has ever been in this situation. No amount of communication can fix these types of situations. I used to pray that my WS would hit his head and wake up with amnesia, that was the only realistic hope I could fathom that might change his little personal problem. Then all I would have to do in convince him of what a stand up guy he used to be, and maybe how much he enjoyed ironing. IWWH, Thanks for the support. It was a great post. Just fyi..jmargel..we have been in MC for a long time..but thanks for the suggestion.
Sheba Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 OOD - I am sorry that you are in the Twilight Zone. I think it is the perfect description of your situation - nothing seems real, does it? There are dozens of mysteries, all hinting at who knows what. His anger that he believes you are contacting an ex-OW (imagine, he has the nerve to be angry!) is a perfect example - what is that all about? You are left with your guesses, unknowing. You have a lot of strength, you know. You have been through a lot and yet you keep persevering. You should congratulate yourself for your own will and nurture it. You need some love in your life, and I suggest you give it to yourself. Remind yourself of that amazing will, your ability to hope through this veil of tears, your dedication to your children, your sensitivity and insight (I see those in your posts) - all of the great things about yourself. I hope you treat yourself well - whether that means going to the spa, buying yourself flowers or shoes or a trashy novel to read - just be sure to give yourself some love. Virtual hugs to you.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 Sheba is absolutely spot on!! You absolutely need a trip to the spa. Even a half day at a day spa. A facial will make you feel lovely, and gosh with that bad back of yours a massage is definately in order. The body scrub will make you glow, and a manicure and pedicure are an absolute must. You could pull it off for less that the price of a couple of graphite drivers. Yep, you could definately use the stress relief!:bunny:
Author outofdarkness Posted June 13, 2007 Author Posted June 13, 2007 Sheba is absolutely spot on!! You absolutely need a trip to the spa. Even a half day at a day spa. A facial will make you feel lovely, and gosh with that bad back of yours a massage is definately in order. The body scrub will make you glow, and a manicure and pedicure are an absolute must. You could pull it off for less that the price of a couple of graphite drivers. Yep, you could definately use the stress relief!:bunny: Thanks to both of you.YES..I absolutely need a mani, pedi, facial, the WORKS!!! I will try to make arrangements to do it for me! Thanks to both of you for the support and kind words...You all have no idea how much it helps me to read those uplifting words.
2sunny Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 big hugs to you ood! i am sorry for this situation you are in. it's painful enough just reading about it... i hope it gets better soon.
Lynna Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 That is all great advice. And OOD, plan some fun time with you and your kids too. As shellys-trying pointed out to me in a separate thread, your kids love you pretty unconditionally. Hug them, and they will hug and love back with everything they have! Do something special with them. I know your son is sick and I don't know how much he can do, but maybe even buying a new coloring book (I don't know his age) or a puzzle (if he is older they have mystery puzzles you can do where you have to solve the mysetery after seeing what is in the picture) and working on it together might be fun for him, or playing a game. Or if you already do those things, try and think of something that would be special and different that you can do. I can't remember, but are you also in individual counseling?
Author outofdarkness Posted June 13, 2007 Author Posted June 13, 2007 That is all great advice. And OOD, plan some fun time with you and your kids too. As shellys-trying pointed out to me in a separate thread, your kids love you pretty unconditionally. Hug them, and they will hug and love back with everything they have! Do something special with them. I know your son is sick and I don't know how much he can do, but maybe even buying a new coloring book (I don't know his age) or a puzzle (if he is older they have mystery puzzles you can do where you have to solve the mysetery after seeing what is in the picture) and working on it together might be fun for him, or playing a game. Or if you already do those things, try and think of something that would be special and different that you can do. I can't remember, but are you also in individual counseling? Yes, I do go to IC, although not as often as I did..Our son is 15 and is in summer school now to catch up so that he can begin school in Aug..At least that's what we plan on. Our daughter has fun plans for the whole summer...So, everyone seems settled. Our son is on the mend..I do have to keep stress to a bare minimum for him, which is difficult and causes me to bottle up quite a bit and let's my H go into his behaviors that are bad for me...and I can't respond or take up for myself many times b/c I have to keep things quiet and very stress free. Just the way it is right now...Thanks for posting!
Melissa277 Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 Communications skills????? OH, yeah right! Hello Dear, how was your day??? Great, I had breakfast with Susie, Annie for lunch, and I just have a quick sec to freshen up before meeting ... uh gosh, I can't remember her name but I'll never forget the pics she sent me today. Dear, I'm affraid you have forgotten or maybe my communication skills are lacking but it hurts me deeply when you screw around, I feel dead inside, the anger and betrayal are affecting my health and our families happiness. Whether you're lying or not my mind now assumes you are and questions everthing, this is hell. OMG, I had no clue, I'll stop lying this very moment... gosh we've had this conversation 11 million times but its the first time I've actually heard you. Believe me, I know cheating isn't funny, but that is funny. It sounds like a conversation I'd have with the idiot I married.
Author outofdarkness Posted June 14, 2007 Author Posted June 14, 2007 Communications skills????? OH, yeah right! Hello Dear, how was your day??? Great, I had breakfast with Susie, Annie for lunch, and I just have a quick sec to freshen up before meeting ... uh gosh, I can't remember her name but I'll never forget the pics she sent me today. Dear, I'm affraid you have forgotten or maybe my communication skills are lacking but it hurts me deeply when you screw around, I feel dead inside, the anger and betrayal are affecting my health and our families happiness. Whether you're lying or not my mind now assumes you are and questions everthing, this is hell. OMG, I had no clue, I'll stop lying this very moment... gosh we've had this conversation 11 million times but its the first time I've actually heard you. Believe me, I know cheating isn't funny, but that is funny. It sounds like a conversation I'd have with the idiot I married. lol...it was funny, and it gave me a much needed laugh today...
quiet1one1 Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 We've been fighting issues with our early-20s son for a few years now, so far to no avail. Our late-teens daughter, who is a wonderful kid, is still going through the normal transition to young adulthood struggles...senior year, prom, graduation, picking college, etc. Add to this the M issues between W and I and our home has been in crisis-mode for 2 years now. When I orginally found out about my Ws A, the thought of the "physical" stuff between her and OM had me enraged. My IC then pointed out (thank you very much!) that while my W's ~attention~ during this time was focused on the OM and all the lies, deceit, and organization it takes to hide the OM, my family was left neglected, not getting the first place care that it needed. THAT made me INSANELY angry!!! Oh, of course she rationalized it away but the damage is done. Now she wonders why the kids seem so disconnected??? Duh.
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