Freedom Now Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 It is going to be one second at a time for you now, OOD. Take each moment as it comes. I know when I was hurting like you, just thinking about tomorrow was overwhelming. Take one moment at a time. Deal with the next moment as it comes. I know I felt like a zombie walking through life when I was hurting.... Everything overwhelmed me. I mean EVERYTHING. Be good to yourself. You are weakened emotionally and hurting. Take care of you. Be gentle with yourself. You are in an incredible crisis.....and I wish there was more that we could do or say. I am so, so sorry.
smartgirl Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 I'm with IWWH - you need a good lawyer and fast. I am all about reconciliation, but he isn't. He is hiding money and may be moving funds around in a way you won't be able to find them. I don't know for sure, but you may not have to actually file for divorce to get some protection. I think you could do that with a formal separation agreement. I am so sorry you have to deal with this. And it isn't too late to rebuild your life with someone else. I think you have done all you can to make this marriage work. Now make sure YOU are taken care of.
Mr. Lucky Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 I think you have done all you can to make this marriage work. Now make sure YOU are taken care of. As a former BS I know what you are feeling, but you have to think long term. Two things (among many to think about): 1). As others have said, see a lawyer NOW. Get your finanaces squared away as there are many things that happen that have a domino effect on events - buying a new house, creditworthness, etc. - down the road. I moved too slowly on this and my ex-wife quickly drained 90% of what we had (and spent it on the OM). Don't make the same mistake. 2). Protect your kids from as much of the ugliness as you can. This includes avoiding the almost over-whelming desire to trash your H in front of the kids. Even when he's not your H any longer, he's still their Dad. Be strong! Eventually, it all works out... Mr. Lucky
Guest Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 Go buy the book Casanova Complex, by Peter Trachenburg, Great book about the five Tpes of serial cheaters. Once you have read this you will be able to spot one in a second. May have to buy used, hard to find, Not printing more, I think all cheaters got together an banned prints, cause thier Tactics will be out!
Guest Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 I am the OW, my boyfriends wife must also be in the twilight Zone. We got caught 6 weeks ago, He went back home. Three days later he was at my house again. He made no changes in his marriage. She has not checked up on him at all. She knows about what time he gets off work, Easily could she drive by my house any evening and see his car there. But she chooses not too, I guess denial is easier to deal with. I ask him sometimes if they had even talked about our situation. He says no, not really, she is pretending that the affair is not happening. If she can do that, more power to her, but I am not going away
Author outofdarkness Posted April 17, 2007 Author Posted April 17, 2007 I am the OW, my boyfriends wife must also be in the twilight Zone. We got caught 6 weeks ago, He went back home. Three days later he was at my house again. He made no changes in his marriage. She has not checked up on him at all. She knows about what time he gets off work, Easily could she drive by my house any evening and see his car there. But she chooses not too, I guess denial is easier to deal with. I ask him sometimes if they had even talked about our situation. He says no, not really, she is pretending that the affair is not happening. If she can do that, more power to her, but I am not going away Well now..that made me feel a whole lot better!!! I understand your loyalty to your MM, but have you thought that she probably does know, might be in a situation that she doesn't see an acceptable way out of, and doesn't want to end a M that she has invested time, energy and love in??? Not to mention kids ??? The Twilight Zone might sound funny, but it's anything but when you have to live it!!! Denial is our brain's way, many times of coping w/ situations that we just can't handle...We just sort of mentally shut down...
Author outofdarkness Posted April 17, 2007 Author Posted April 17, 2007 Go buy the book Casanova Complex, by Peter Trachenburg, Great book about the five Tpes of serial cheaters. Once you have read this you will be able to spot one in a second. May have to buy used, hard to find, Not printing more, I think all cheaters got together an banned prints, cause thier Tactics will be out! Thanks for much for the book selection..I will look around for it asap..sounds like a great read...Appreciate your post...
Guest Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 I did not mean to offend you, I am sorry if I did. I understand your definition of twillight zone. Through your post I have learned how she (w) copes with situation. Believe me, my side is not easy either, there is alot of pain more then i can explain i words. I wish I could be in the twillight zone. Instead This feeling nags at my heart 24-7. Denial would be a comfortable place for me right now. But I know, I chose this, or better yet, it chose me. I just wanted you to know that h do lie, and many times continue A even after D, My MM W is staying for the money. Her friend told me that, She has a great life, house, money .... ect, she could care less what her H is doing as long as she has everything else. Good Luck
NoIDidn't Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 I am the OW, my boyfriends wife must also be in the twilight Zone. We got caught 6 weeks ago, He went back home. Three days later he was at my house again. He made no changes in his marriage. She has not checked up on him at all. She knows about what time he gets off work, Easily could she drive by my house any evening and see his car there. But she chooses not too, I guess denial is easier to deal with. I ask him sometimes if they had even talked about our situation. He says no, not really, she is pretending that the affair is not happening. If she can do that, more power to her, but I am not going away Exactly who is the above supposed to help? In a thread where a W is obviously hurting, you blame the W for DENIAL??!!! What is wrong with people? Be assured, guest, that his W isn't going away either and you will still be the side dish he tries to keep hidden from HER and EVERYONE else in his life. If you can continue accepting this position, more power to you too. [OOD, you are way better than I am.]
whichwayisup Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 she is pretending that the affair is not happening. If she can do that, more power to her, but I am not going away Guest, keep telling yourself that. Remember, he's been lying to his wife, he's gonna be lying to you and telling you what you wanna hear. You're only hearing ONE side of this, and that is controlled information HE wants YOU to know. One night she may show up on your doorstep...Maybe he'll leave, maybe he'll stay..Just remember this though - IF he can up and leave his wife so easily, what makes you think he won't turn around and cheat on you as well??? Just giving you some stuff to think about.
2sunny Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 I am the OW, my boyfriends wife must also be in the twilight Zone. We got caught 6 weeks ago, He went back home. Three days later he was at my house again. He made no changes in his marriage. She has not checked up on him at all. She knows about what time he gets off work, Easily could she drive by my house any evening and see his car there. But she chooses not too, I guess denial is easier to deal with. I ask him sometimes if they had even talked about our situation. He says no, not really, she is pretending that the affair is not happening. If she can do that, more power to her, but I am not going away Actually - don't fool yourself honey! I laid low for enough time and totally PRETENDED like everything was just peachy... WHY? Because I needed to move money... set up bank accts... change passwords... get protection for myself so that the **** hit the fan and a million other things before the confrontation...I needed to be sure that I and my kids would be OK! You and your MM may be the fools in the long run. Don't even begin to think that she is so foolish as to stick her head in the sand. She may have a plan behind YOUR BACKS. And you would both deserve to be s@rewed over. The calm before the storm is how I would describe it... hmmmmm
IfWishesWereHorses Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 I am the OW, my boyfriends wife must also be in the twilight Zone. We got caught 6 weeks ago, He went back home. Three days later he was at my house again. He made no changes in his marriage. She has not checked up on him at all. She knows about what time he gets off work, Easily could she drive by my house any evening and see his car there. But she chooses not too, I guess denial is easier to deal with. I ask him sometimes if they had even talked about our situation. He says no, not really, she is pretending that the affair is not happening. If she can do that, more power to her, but I am not going away Good morning guest... Hope things go well soon and you are able to step into MM's W's position without too much difficulty. Please do let us know how YOU handle the twilight zone, its just up the road for you. Will be alot easier knowing that you chose it and don't have your LIFE invested in it but still let us know what your little taste is like, it won't be long now! His wife will be much better off without him and she will survive the twilight zone after the fog has lifted. YOU my dear deserve this man and everything that comes with him. I am truly happy for his wife and you as well. SHE WILL SURVIVE AND BE BETTER FOR IT. HUGS OOD, I'm off to spend the day with a girlfriend lounging around the pool. No more thoughts of OW or WH's ... today is MINE! I won't spend one minute crying over things I can't change, I will deal with what ever comes my way with a smile or a smirk depending on my mood but it won't control me. AHHHH! Hope your m is feeling better soon.
LaughMachine Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 I know exactly what you mean by feeling as if you were in the " twighlight zone " Things just seem unreal and too hard to believe ? It's an eery feeling...and will pass with time..only time.
Author outofdarkness Posted April 17, 2007 Author Posted April 17, 2007 Thanks to all for your replies. I feel better this morning...Our son is feeling better, and I am planning to enjoy some of the much needed warmth and sunshine that we will have in our neck of the woods today...I am taking things one day at a time, or one old episode of The Twilight Zone, at a time! Also trying to concentrate on our daughter's 16th this weekend! It is a big one, and we really want to be here for her and help her remember a very special day. H is out of town today through Friday, and I think this time apart will be good for me! I have many things to do that I think will get my spirit up and get me back into life again after this rough spot. Know that I continue to take care of myself and this kids and that does include things/suggestions that have been discussed on this forum... Guest, haven't heard back from you..good luck to you and your's...Your views are welcome any time, but IMO it is inappropriate and counterproductive to post on this type of thread w/ the type of response that you posted. JMHO.. Will keep you all posted..Love you all...
Guest Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 You are all right, I dont know what the wife is up too, She could be smarter the I think, Planning Preparing> I didnt think of that. I am thinking it is easier just to deny the affair. Sweep it under the carpet like it does not exsit. That is what they have been doing for many years. Very superficial, They avoid all topics which may go deep.
Author outofdarkness Posted April 18, 2007 Author Posted April 18, 2007 You are all right, I dont know what the wife is up too, She could be smarter the I think, Planning Preparing> I didnt think of that. I am thinking it is easier just to deny the affair. Sweep it under the carpet like it does not exsit. That is what they have been doing for many years. Very superficial, They avoid all topics which may go deep. Yes, you pretty much summed it up..Thanks for contributing and posting again!
Author outofdarkness Posted June 12, 2007 Author Posted June 12, 2007 Help! I'm in The Zone again...BIG TIME..I need something, IDK..just thought you all might be able to help me get my big fat head out of the sand! NO hostile replies..PLEASE!! I am in a bad place right now...
2sunny Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 tell us what you need - or what happened to trigger your emotional state right now - and i'm sure we can all help.
Frances Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 Help! I'm in The Zone again...BIG TIME..I need something, IDK..just thought you all might be able to help me get my big fat head out of the sand! NO hostile replies..PLEASE!! I am in a bad place right now... What has happened to put you back there? Can you talk about it? Just do one little nice thing for yourself. I will try a prayer, hope it will work. Hugs
lrae Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 Hi everyone, I'd love to know if anyone else who decided to stay w/ their CS experiences a sort of "twilight zone" feeling when faced with red flags/signs that the cheating has resumed. By that I may simply be feeling a sense of denial...However it is strange post D day because you really have a good sense of what you're looking for and when you see or hear it, you know it's real, but it feels so impossible that it could happen again after the horror of D day...It feels almost surreal.. Has anyone else felt this way post D day who decided to stay w/ their CS? Do you all think it's just plain old fashioned denial just felt post D day...at a different time in the M? I would really be interested in your OPs or thoughts.. I haven't had any "red flags" yet. I hope never to... But if they did start appearing I hope that I would be strong enough to cut the ties and move on to the next chapter of my life. I don't want to be sucked down that wormhole again. Instead, I am still too quick to jump on anything - suspicious or coincidental. Yes, I still check from time to time (the phone, his whereabouts, text messaging, etc). I don't attack, but I make sure nothing stays unturned. I know that this has to stop and I have to be willing to give myself over to forgive and trust him again. But I am not yet able to. Fortunately, he is doing his best for us to work through this. I think he is finally beginning to understand how badly thier selfishness has hurt everyone involved. Too bad, CS's seem to bring up the rear on the "accountability" learning curve. As for Spinningwheels - you aren't the cake, his W was. Sorry, but you need to get over yourself.
Author outofdarkness Posted June 12, 2007 Author Posted June 12, 2007 Hi all, It's been building for a long time. H's behavior is back to pre d day, and I'm scared...I know something is going on, but don't know how to find out what...Wknds are horrible, he spends most time either at that coffee place I've mentioned before or at the dog park..I assume that he's meeting up w/ someone, although I have driven by a couple of times and seen that he's by himself..the coffee place I mean.. Both places are major places to meet or hook up...I'm feeling very dumb, like an ostrich and hopeless. I can't do anything right now regarding confrontation due to our son's health, and I don't know what I would say or do if I could.... I feel like I fell hook line and sinker for all of his smothering attention in those months just post d day and it's gradually gotten back to where it was...Only NOW, I KNOW what he's most likely doing. He seems very angry and unhappy to be here and VERY up when he heads to work on Mon. Morn, most especially when he travels...THEN he's REALLY up and I see him really primp and pay special attention to his looks..ie..clothes, haircuts, etc. AND, he just bought a new set of golf clubs..He has never been a golfer, but has recently shown much interest with the excuse that he has to golf for work..I do know he has some w/ collegues, but have a horrible gut wrenching feeling that it's more then that. When I mentioned my taking it up too, he said he didn't think my back; I have chronic back problems, could take it...I was hurt. He doesn't seem to want to travel w/ me at all, whereas, especially just post D day, he wanted me to go everywhere w/ him. Granted, we have had a sick child, but my intuition tells me that again, something's up.. I know OW's don't like it when the MM travels w/ W or family...from reading on OW forum.. So, that is where I am in a nut shell...In a really bad place. VERY depressed and feeling hopeless....
lrae Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 OOD that sucks!! I am so sorry. Sorry that you had to go through this once and even sorrier that you are looking over your shoulder worried that your life is about to be torn apart again. Can you approach him with all this? Can you let him know how this makes you feel and what your worries are? Admitting your fears and hurts doesn't make you weak, it makes you real!
Author outofdarkness Posted June 12, 2007 Author Posted June 12, 2007 OOD that sucks!! I am so sorry. Sorry that you had to go through this once and even sorrier that you are looking over your shoulder worried that your life is about to be torn apart again. Can you approach him with all this? Can you let him know how this makes you feel and what your worries are? Admitting your fears and hurts doesn't make you weak, it makes you real! Yeah, I can tell him but it does not good..He just gets defensive and irritable and ends up leaving to go to the coffee place or dog park...by himself..lol..I can't have any confrontation or arguing due to our son's illness and stress levels. I just keep quiet until he leaves and try to avoid him if at all possible when he's here..so do the kids. Terrible way to live, isn't it? Thanks for the support.
Lynna Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 If you and the kids both avoid him when he is there - isn't that adding to your sons stress level? Can you try to talk to him at night when the kids are asleep? I am sorry I don't know your whole situation and it sounds like it is difficult. Do you personally want to stay in your marriage? Do you want to work on it for your marriage's sake? I am not trying to be insensitive, so forgive me if I am wrong here, it sounds like it might be better for everyone if he were gone from the house and the marriage. Though he should certainly still be expected to support you and the children.
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