outofdarkness Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 Hi everyone, I'd love to know if anyone else who decided to stay w/ their CS experiences a sort of "twilight zone" feeling when faced with red flags/signs that the cheating has resumed. By that I may simply be feeling a sense of denial...However it is strange post D day because you really have a good sense of what you're looking for and when you see or hear it, you know it's real, but it feels so impossible that it could happen again after the horror of D day...It feels almost surreal.. Has anyone else felt this way post D day who decided to stay w/ their CS? Do you all think it's just plain old fashioned denial just felt post D day...at a different time in the M? I would really be interested in your OPs or thoughts..
Author outofdarkness Posted April 11, 2007 Author Posted April 11, 2007 Does anyone have any thoughts on this subject?
Guest Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 You need to trust your gut! I am an OW--had a DD in Sept(brought on by me)......spoke to the wife a few days ago, and a new Dday began. (again brought on by me) She said to me that she thought we broke up at the end of September. I informed her that her husband started contacting me the begining of December and the affair resumed! She had all the flags! Cell phone off, or unanswered....unexplained absences----and she chose to believe that he would never do it again! We were back to the same within about two months....and I don't see it ending....although, she has now kicked him out. She thought he got it---he didn't.
spinningwheels Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 I just posted a reply as guest--but it will take too long to get here. I don't know if you want to hear from me or not....but---I am an OW. I spilled the beans to the MM's wife at the end of September. She thought all contact stopped. She never thought he would do this again. He called me the start of December. Crying, claiming he was leaving....yada yada yada..... We started back again....I just spoke with her a couple of days ago. I told the truth again. She never believed he would do this to her again---but he did. She has kicked him out. Trust your gut always. She had all of the flags again starting in December. Phone off, or unanswered, unexplained time away.....she believed he wouldn't pull the same crap....started to feel safe, and he did it again. They don't care! They want to keep eating their cake... If this reply offends you...just let me know. I really don't want to step on toes and be bashed. I will delete it.
boshemia Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 Always trust your instincts on this one, if you think it's happening again then make a decision and go with it. Don't let him play head games with you in the denial department either... if he gets angry, defensive, or hateful thats another good sign that he's not behaving himself. Looking back five years out of the relationship (8 years) I knew each and every time he cheated on me... I just didn't WANT to know.
whichwayisup Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 She has kicked him out. Let me ask you, just out of curosity...Did you continue seeing him after he left his wife?
Author outofdarkness Posted April 11, 2007 Author Posted April 11, 2007 Let me ask you, just out of curosity...Did you continue seeing him after he left his wife? I think you misunderstood...I AM the W...NOT the OW....
Author outofdarkness Posted April 11, 2007 Author Posted April 11, 2007 Always trust your instincts on this one, if you think it's happening again then make a decision and go with it. Don't let him play head games with you in the denial department either... if he gets angry, defensive, or hateful thats another good sign that he's not behaving himself. Looking back five years out of the relationship (8 years) I knew each and every time he cheated on me... I just didn't WANT to know. Yeah, I know...All of the signs are there, and I am heartbroken..I knew in the back of my mind and heart that being a serial cheater, the chances of him totally changing his ways were not good...BUT, I was so hopeful b/c he was doing everything that was suggested by the MC and IC...ie., attending meetings, etc...Everyone told me that the chances of him cheating again were good, but I did not want to believe it and still don't..I have so much faith in people and still believe that anything is possible..Mabey, his heart is just not in it, and he just doesn't want to hurt me again... I posted on another thread today that I would not want to be w/ someone who did not want to be with me. Life is too short...for me and him...I love him dearly and can't see that it's fair to either one of us to remain in a M that is only one sided. I don't want him to stay w/ me b/c he feels sorry for me, I want someone who loves me for me genuinely wants to be with me.. It's just a mess, I guess..It's so hard to regain the trust that went down the drain. 10 years is a long time to cheat on your W...Addiction or not. Thanks for the input..
Author outofdarkness Posted April 11, 2007 Author Posted April 11, 2007 I just posted a reply as guest--but it will take too long to get here. I don't know if you want to hear from me or not....but---I am an OW. I spilled the beans to the MM's wife at the end of September. She thought all contact stopped. She never thought he would do this again. He called me the start of December. Crying, claiming he was leaving....yada yada yada..... We started back again....I just spoke with her a couple of days ago. I told the truth again. She never believed he would do this to her again---but he did. She has kicked him out. Trust your gut always. She had all of the flags again starting in December. Phone off, or unanswered, unexplained time away.....she believed he wouldn't pull the same crap....started to feel safe, and he did it again. They don't care! They want to keep eating their cake... If this reply offends you...just let me know. I really don't want to step on toes and be bashed. I will delete it. yep..I agree..as hard as it is to admit..Thanks for your honesty..AND, of course I want to hear from you! The fact that you are an OW makes no difference to me! I post on the OW forum often and find everyone on there to be kind, understanding and compassionate...Thanks for posting and trying to help.
Ripples Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 I think you misunderstood...I AM the W...NOT the OW.... WWIU was asking spinningwheels, not you. I'm in agreement with the others, trust your instincts.
Author outofdarkness Posted April 11, 2007 Author Posted April 11, 2007 WWIU was asking spinningwheels, not you. I'm in agreement with the others, trust your instincts. ok and thanks for the correction on my post...
spinningwheels Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 Let me ask you, just out of curosity...Did you continue seeing him after he left his wife? WWIU--This all happened just a couple of days ago....I am taking a break from everything right now. I don't believe that I will still see him--but I have said that before. So, right now, I am in NC. He lied to both of us. When we got back together in December, he told me that she was fully aware of us, and that he was planning his move--lie! She was blindsighted by the new DDay. I know that I am worth more, and am trying to move on---but---I said that before!
whichwayisup Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 Well, knowing he lied to you both, why would you want to continue an A with him? Seriously....The man is a piece of scum! You deserve better. And, even if you two DO end up together, what makes you think that he won't cheat and lie around you as well? He's selfish and wants what he wants, and doesn't care about anybody but himself.
spinningwheels Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 Well, knowing he lied to you both, why would you want to continue an A with him? Seriously....The man is a piece of scum! You deserve better. And, even if you two DO end up together, what makes you think that he won't cheat and lie around you as well? He's selfish and wants what he wants, and doesn't care about anybody but himself. Hey again WWIU, I don't want to t/j the thread starter...but I want to let you know that I hear what you are saying. I know he is scum! But, I refuse to say that we are done right now--because I have said that before. But--I am taking this one day at a time, and am getting stronger. Today I will not talk to him, when tomorrow comes, I will say again, I will not talk to him, and the next day.......I need to move forward in baby steps. He is a master liar. He faked a mental breakdown and told me he was seeking inpatient help in order to go on a vacation! I think that he pushed me into a breakdown, which started the dday this past Saturday.
jmargel Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 "Don't make someone a priority when they think of you as an option" This goes for both the spouse and the one they are cheating with.
NoIDidn't Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 OOD I don't think that the problem is that he doesn't want to be with you. Its that he doesn't want to be with JUST you. Serial cheaters have a motto that they live by "There are the girls that you marry, and the ones that you f*ck". Daddy told me that.
Frances Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 OOD I don't think that the problem is that he doesn't want to be with you. Its that he doesn't want to be with JUST you. Serial cheaters have a motto that they live by "There are the girls that you marry, and the ones that you f*ck". Daddy told me that. I think this about sums it up. What it all amounts to is how much are we are willing to and can put up with to stay married to them. So sorry to hear you are going through this again when you have been doing so well. Thinking of you
Author outofdarkness Posted April 12, 2007 Author Posted April 12, 2007 I think this about sums it up. What it all amounts to is how much are we are willing to and can put up with to stay married to them. So sorry to hear you are going through this again when you have been doing so well. Thinking of you yeah, I guess that motto is true. his 95 year old gmother told me that no man on that side of the family; maternal, has ever been faithful to his wife...and this goes back generations of southerners...her h, my h's g mom went through the same thing and has been really the only one in the family that i've been able to talk to about it..she understands b/c she went through the same thing until he got so sick he couldn't anymore. i don't want to wait that long!!!! I KNOW what I need to do but I can't do it right now w/ out severe repercussions...He is denying anything and everything...and being an a--..i am so sick of him bugging me...he won't quit e mailing and/or calling...i took the phone off the hook and blocked his e mail for now..i am sooo sick of it...now he is accusing me of sending some stupid invites to all of his former buddy aol ow's...says they all got invites..well if he had not been on aol or heard from them, how would he know? He admitted to actually talking to only one regarding this latest issue this morning..havn't asked him how he knew about the others. he is blaming me saying I sent the invites??? why would I do that??? How would I do that...He's covering his tracks in prep for something...i am so sick of worrying about it....sorry for rambling.
Frances Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Just wondering how you are and how you are coping. Are there any further signs? Are you still talking? Wish you well
Author outofdarkness Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 Just wondering how you are and how you are coping. Are there any further signs? Are you still talking? Wish you well I just posted on your new thread. I'm ok, and yes, I'm talking. I don't really care at this point if he's reading..I'm just trying to stay in the moment and take care of things w/ our kids, etc..I can't just lose it b/c then they don't have anyone..They count on me...I haven't felt this way since just before D day..It's not a good feeling or sign...Thanks for caring.
smartgirl Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I am with everyone else - trust your instincts. Mine were trying to tell me my husband was having an A, but I had to be hit over the head to get it. Funny, love and trust are supposed to be such good things. It is hell to have them used against you. Getting caught the first time may have only taught him how to cover his tracks - ie using a prepaid disposable cell phone and/or a credit card you don't know about. Give him one chance - ask him point blank and see what kind of answer you get. If he denies it, hire a PI to find out for sure. I hate to be so cynical, but I just kick myself for being in such denial.
Author outofdarkness Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 I am with everyone else - trust your instincts. Mine were trying to tell me my husband was having an A, but I had to be hit over the head to get it. Funny, love and trust are supposed to be such good things. It is hell to have them used against you. Getting caught the first time may have only taught him how to cover his tracks - ie using a prepaid disposable cell phone and/or a credit card you don't know about. Give him one chance - ask him point blank and see what kind of answer you get. If he denies it, hire a PI to find out for sure. I hate to be so cynical, but I just kick myself for being in such denial. I am soooooooo mad right now. He took his pay and deposited it after telling me that he would give it to me as usual to deposit..It is a quarterly bonus and we need the $..He said there may be a "hold" on it for a few days...I am so angry at him!!!!!!!!!!!!! He knows we need to buy a car...we have one new one and have to get a second b/c our daughter is about to drive and one that we have needs over 7k worth of repairs and has been recalled due to engine fires, and the one he bought...WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE back in 95 does not run anymore...H is telling me to take money out of our home equity...it's the only assett I have..as his retirement is in his name..I am the beneficiary, but should there be a d, what guarantee is there that I would get half as he keeps insisting????????? I only know the house is in both names...Why should I take continue to take $, yes I've had to take alittle and we had some major home repairs, out of the only asset I have after what he did?????????? He told me today that he has no control and that HE would love to have alot of things, but HE can't..so why should we..among other things.
2sunny Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Max out the equity acct and put the $ in a new acct under your name only. Hey - he is playing hard ball with the family money and told you to access the equity acct, right? So - go right ahead. You'll need the money for the future. Normally - where I live - you would get half his retirement acct, child support, and spousal support- if it's past ten years - you get the spousal support forever or until you remarry. Especially would get more $ with a disabled child that needs care. Who cares what he thinks at this point. Now he's messing with the family funds and doesn't have any intention of caring for your or your kids needs. I bet you he is hiding some of the money from his bonus so he can entertain the little hunny on the side. Ask to see his receipt for his paycheck and the amount that was deposited in the acct. $100.00 says he won't let you see it. He just continues to become a bigger jerk with each passing day.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 OOD, Nix the PI for sure. Any money that you spend needs to be on the lawyer. If you go ahead and consult the lawyer now he can have assets checked for you and protected if need be. I would take a small amount of money out of the equity and put it up or have a friend hold it for you. It looks like he's going into "nothing to loose mode". He's unhappy that you are not playing along. (Happy unsuspecting wife... it's no fun for them when you stop playing your part) Its time for you to be smart right now... you've got plenty of time to fall apart later. Play happy unsuspecting wife so he'll chill a little and set your ground work... right now you're going to have to protect yourself right now. Atleast lay the ground work, you don't have to commit to anything. Sorry.
Author outofdarkness Posted April 14, 2007 Author Posted April 14, 2007 OOD, Nix the PI for sure. Any money that you spend needs to be on the lawyer. If you go ahead and consult the lawyer now he can have assets checked for you and protected if need be. I would take a small amount of money out of the equity and put it up or have a friend hold it for you. It looks like he's going into "nothing to loose mode". He's unhappy that you are not playing along. (Happy unsuspecting wife... it's no fun for them when you stop playing your part) Its time for you to be smart right now... you've got plenty of time to fall apart later. Play happy unsuspecting wife so he'll chill a little and set your ground work... right now you're going to have to protect yourself right now. Atleast lay the ground work, you don't have to commit to anything. Sorry. I'm thinking about what exactly I need to do and how I need to do it..The bottom line is that I am very unhappy...I was fooling myself I guess, to think that I could deal w/ everything that he did to us and make the M work and be happy again. The truth is, that I have trouble even looking at him..I told him last night (again) that if he had just been honest w/ me from the beginning, I could have started anew with someone who really respected and loved me...had more children, etc..I told him that he ruined my life (again) but not for a long time.I'll write later when I've had some time to gather my thoughts and feel better. Anyone can pm me at any time...I check my e mail pretty often..
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