Shadowdog36 Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 It's been a while since I started a thread on here, mainly because I was interested in what everyone else has to say, and also because I really didn't have anything 'new' to contribute to the general discussion. I've read too many threads on here from people that are asking the same questions months later, knowing full well what the answers will be...just looking for a attention. Funny how a lot of them begin with..."My ex thinks I'm needy..." No!?! Really??? I'm putting this under the Coping section, because as I sit here thinking about what I'm going to say, I think it has to do mostly with coping. When I first split with my ex, I couldn't write enough. Every day I'd come home and write her a letter, some of them pleading, some angry, some with a tone of resolution to the situation. I didn't send most of them. I think I was trying to find the 'angle' that I needed that would allow me to approach her again, without seeming desperate...just trying to re-establish regular contact with her to let her know that I was moving on. Obviously, I held onto the hope that once she realized that she misread who I was, she'd come back to me. If you want to know my backstory, look up other threads by me...there should only be 2, I think. We didn't have all the problems that others have, I just scared her away because I was too passionate, too intense, too 'into her' and it freaked her out. By trying to show that I'd changed, I would have perpetuated the notions she had of me...so I sat, and wrote, and thought, every conceivable angle that I could to re-connect. By the time I stopped writing, I had given up...not on her, and not on the hope that someday....... I had given up on any of this being under my control, and as such, it wasn't my fault anymore, or my problem. I don't have all the pieces to the puzzle, so I can't solve it entirely on my own. That was the beginning of the healing process for me. I stopped being such a 'woman' about this and started to think like myself again. I stopped being so emotionally needy to everyone around me, and didn't let myself go down that dark path. Is it gone? Not entirely. I just choose not to look at it anymore. Sure I can get myself worked into a lather if I sit here and say "She was my one true love, and now I'm going to live the rest of my life wishing I could have done things differently. I'm going to die alone, unloved, unwanted, and forgotten." Is any of this true? Beats me, I can't tell the future. If it is, can I do anything about it today? Hell no. I know these thoughts sound extreme, but I know a lot of people are thinking a lot of these same things. It's ok to have a good cry about what you lost. It can be incredibly cathartic (def: Adj. 1. cathartic - emotionally purging, psychotherapeutic). One of the last times I allowed myself to get worked up over this, I had an emotional breakdown, and cried harder than I did when my dad died. And I left it all in that moment. So many people on here need to learn to leave it in the moment, and walk away from it. Your emotions don't control your mind, they are merely a part of it. Once you can learn to leave it where it belongs, nothing else matters. Who cares what the reasons were for the text 6 months later...you don't care. Who cares why they decided to screw a skank...you don't care. Who cares that they never call you again...you don't care. Who cares that they'll never see the 'real' you...you don't care. For me, what worked was holding onto a little glimmer of hope that she'll come around some day. The finality of it all was, and to some degree, still is a bit overwhelming. I'll not put my life on hold for her. Hell, I've already gone out on a lot of dates, and slept with a few of them. She's dating someone else...why can't I? For me, it was easier to tell myself that, at some point in the distant future, we'll be together again. If it happens, I'll deal with it then. If not, I should be so far removed from the situation, that I won't care. By telling myself that I'm just waiting her out, passively, for as long as it takes, I'm able to let go of the anger, the frustration, the desperation. I don't have to answer that question that so many of you ask on here..."How am I going to live the rest of my life without them?" And after a while, I won't care. For so many of us, these types of events in our lives change us, fundamentally. Whether it be emotionally (I'm learning to cope), physically (How much weight did you lose?), spiritually (Praying she'll come back to me), or intellectually (I'm starting to learn what I did wrong). We end up as different people on the other side of this. As we go through this process of acceptance, we need to be conscience of the fact that how we act through this may impact who we end up becoming on the other side. If you stay bitter, that trait may become part of who you are, leading to the next failed relationship, and fueling that bitterness even more. If you allow yourself to be walked on, you'll never learn how to assert yourself, leading to the next relationship where you're back on here talking about why they treat you so badly. See what I'm saying? We all have an opportunity to redefine who we are. This is a process, much like puberty, and it doesn't happen overnight. But we will be different when we get through. Personally, I've used the anger, the frustration, the raw emotional pull that I feel if I allow myself to, for many positive things in my life. I was a 20 year smoker, probably a pack a day for the last 10-15 years. I quit after her. Haven't had one in 2 months, and probably never will (I say probably, cause you never know, right?) I joined a gym, and I'm in the best shape of my life. I'm back down to what I weighed in high school (of course now none of my clothes fit me) and people tell me that I look 10 years younger. I will not allow her to make me a bitter person, and the best way I could think of to make sure that didn't happen was for her to be the 'motivation' behind all of my improvements. Now, don't jump on me here, I didn't say I was doing any of this for her. I said she's my motivation, and probably a more accurate statement is that this entire situation has been my motivating force. In this sense, she's gone from someone that I wanted to scream at to someone that I'm almost thankful to...almost. I hope this was helpful to someone. I've been coming here for a little over 2 months now, and I'm starting to see the same advice over and over. I'm not saying it's wrong, it's just that sometimes it's nice to get a fresh perspective on things, and maybe try something different that may work for you. Then again, I may be a basketcase a month from now. But, hey, that's just me.
Jinxx Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 I will not allow her to make me a bitter person, and the best way I could think of to make sure that didn't happen was for her to be the 'motivation' behind all of my improvements. Ok so how do you avoid being bitter? I have become a very bitter person in the last couple of months. What my STBEX and I agreed upon has flown right out the window. What started out as an amicable legal separation has turned into a full fledged nasty-ass divorce, the legal fees mounting daily. At my age (47) I honestly don't know how to overcome the bitterness. Yes, I have many outside hobbies and interests but the desire to be around people and widen my social circle is non-existent. Kudos to you for not being bitter. I work hard every day trying to overcome that part and it has been almost eight months since separation.
cecil brown Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 Originally Posted by Shadowdog36 I had given up on any of this being under my control, and as such, it wasn't my fault anymore, or my problem. I don't have all the pieces to the puzzle, so I can't solve it entirely on my own. That was the beginning of the healing process for me. That hit home for me. I've spent countless hours worrying, but I've finally realized I can't control my ex, I can only control myself. She left me, and until she decides she wants a relationship, there will be no relationship so why should I worry about it anymore? I need to focus on the things I can control (my well being) and ignore the ones I can't. Good post Shadowdog.
AriaIncognito Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 Excellent post, shadowdog. You're so right about how we shouldn't worry about that which we cannot control. Only, it's terribly hard to do this, and I imagine takes a lot of time and patience and practice. I'm hoping to get to where you are, I really am. One day at a time.
Author Shadowdog36 Posted April 11, 2007 Author Posted April 11, 2007 Cecil- you first- thanks! Jinxx- My god, where to begin with you. Just read some of your past posts (still don't know what STBEX is) and you have a very different situation. I'd like to say that I don't judge people, and that we're all capable of bad decisions, but I feel like I'm on eggshells talking to you about this. You're screwing around with a married man, yourself still 'technically' married, and you're angry about what this is costing you? I'm sorry, I cannot relate to your situation, as I don't think I'd ever allow myself to get into something like that. Yes, I read your posts, and no I don't think all of this is your fault, but at some point... When I was laying in bed with K on that Sunday night, I told her that I don't regret anything in my life anymore. When she asked why, I said "Every decision I've ever made, everything I've ever done, good or bad, had in some way contributed to me being here, right now, at this moment with you. How could I possibly regret any decision I've made, or anything that's ever happened to me. How could I possibly want to change something in my life, if that meant risking not having this moment in time with you?" Jinxx, maybe you're still waiting for that moment or for another one of those moments. But being a bitter person won't make it happen for you anytime soon. Trying to not only see what good can come from change, but what good you can actively generate for yourself was a big step for me in letting go of the anger. I said it before...so many people tell you that you need to let go of the feelings you have for someone in order to move on. Most on here assume that means love, letting go of the love. But it also means letting go of the hate too. Until you let go of both, and find a healthy, lasting way to do it, you're not going anywhere. Good luck Jinxx. I hope that helped, but your situation is so far beyond me, I don't know if I'm the best person to turn to.
Author Shadowdog36 Posted April 11, 2007 Author Posted April 11, 2007 Aria~ Active pursuit is what got me to this point. Like I said, I spent a lot of time writing letters to her that I never sent. Each one was a slightly different angle, depending on my mood and how I was growing over time. I have, literally, 60 letters that I've written, each one, on average, 3 to 4 pages long. I wrote a lot! I spent the time re-reading all of them, many times. And each time I'd read one, I'd try to do it with her in mind, and in the worst possible scenerio for me. Each time I wrote and re-read a letter, no matter what 'angle' I used, I inevitably came to the same conclusion each and every time...she won't care. I'm sad...she won't care. I'm moving on...she won't care. I'm angry with her...she won't care. I'm so disappointed in her...she won't care. And on and on and on. Do this to yourself for a couple months straight, and you have to, for your own sanity, see the uselessness in all this. For me, it wasn't just time, cause all the time in the world spent thinking about her wouldn't make me want her any less. For me, it wasn't just patience, cause I can be as patient as I need to, and that alone won't make me want her any less. As far as practice...it may seem that way, but this was no 'dry run' for me any time I wrote to her. Each letter, I wrote with the full intension of sending it to her, and probably spent hours on each one. For me, I had come to the rational conclusion that no matter how I approach this, I cannot change the outcome independent of her decision. This is not my problem, or if you choose to, think of it this way...this problem has no solution. Best way to illustrate...Chess...She's got me in Checkmate, and I'm still looking for a place to move my king where he'll be safe. The game is over. Even though my king's still on the board, everyone knows that it's over. The only way to keep playing is if she decided to move. Come to that conclusion, and nothing else matters.
Jinxx Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 Cecil- you first- thanks! Jinxx- My god, where to begin with you. Just read some of your past posts (still don't know what STBEX is) and you have a very different situation. I'd like to say that I don't judge people, and that we're all capable of bad decisions, but I feel like I'm on eggshells talking to you about this. You're screwing around with a married man, yourself still 'technically' married, and you're angry about what this is costing you? I'm sorry, I cannot relate to your situation, as I don't think I'd ever allow myself to get into something like that. Yes, I read your posts, and no I don't think all of this is your fault, but at some point... Hey -- don't worry about walking on eggshells talking about this to me cause you're not. Plus I am no longer screwing around with a MM -- done, past history, over it but do have a few of my own issues I'm dealing with respect to that. I was leaving my husband before screwing around anyway but doesn't make right that I did it. I guess my point here is I chose to walk away from a very comfortable lifestyle. That is what have I am having a tough time dealing with. If my husband would have just met half way to work on our problems then it would have gotten to the point it did. Just something I'll have to get over, accept and work through. And hopefully with time, that will happen.
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