It still hurts

[Cardinal64]

Hi.

Is anyone still dealing with the after effects of your spouse/significant other cheating on you? I am.

 

I moved out 3 months ago - had enough of all this cheating nonsense. At first I think I was in denial but the evidence was so clear in front of me all the time.

The pain in my heart because of her infidelity still really hurts like hell.

 

Sometimes I wish that things could return as they were before - but in reality I don't think I would ever be able to trust my wife again. There would always be the doubts .

 

Anyway sorry for ranting again so soon since my last post.

Just ain't easy. But I now I must persevere and move forward. No choice.

 

Cardinal64

[aaaaaiiiiieeeee]

It's been 4 months for me. I went to IC right away and have a pretty good network of supportive friends. I've also talked to everyone from the cable guy, to a trainer at the gym, to the car service chauffer that took me to the airport. All had stories and some of them were far worse than mine.

 

At first the pain was excruciating so much so that I went completely numb for a few weeks. After that it hit me like a ton of bricks, and it didn't help that she continued to rub it in my face coldly and callously, not to mention all the horrible crap she said to me. As time went on I realized that she had done me a favor B/C there was no turning back now and then it kind of hit me I AM FREE!!! Yes I went through a self destructive phase b/c my self-esteem was in the dump, I pretty much reverted back to my high school ways filling up a little black book (a little easier since I'm finishing school) and going from pretty girl to pretty girl. All of that left me hollow, but I now have many female friends that I confide in and have gained a better perspective into bettering any future relationships--along with IC.

 

The trust is gone just as you said, and although some people can forgive and move forward, I myself cannot even though I wanted to salvage my marriage at first (am I glad that didn't happen). I've realized that I don't love her, it feels like I love her, but what I love is having the warmth of that person next to you, the love of being in love, the safety and comfort of being in a relationship--that stuff is quite addictive. I just can't possibly love someone that has hurt me in such way. We all have our faults and none of us are angels in our respective relationships, but IMHO there is no excuse for infidelity.

 

What I'm saying is much like what everyone else here is saying (Gunny and LadyJane are excellent examples) you have to take care of yourself now. If there is ever a time to be selfish now is the time! Use this pain to motivate yourself to get better. I know you've heard that a million times already but really listen to it. Get better physically and emotionally, this type of trauma creates the greatest type of changes in people for the better if they take advantage of the time and stop wasting energy into a dead relationship. My suggestion is stop worrying about what mistake she's made, how her life is going to end up screwed up b/c of her choice, essentially caring anything about what's going on with her life.

[FireandIce]

I found out that my husband had been having an affair since last summer. I only found out 2 months ago. We split for a month and are now trying to work things out. Yes, it still hurts more than most people know. It consumes my thoughts and even my dreams (nightmares). He's no longer with this woman (broke up with her shortly after I confronted him about it although we still stayed separated for awhile after) but she works at the same place he does. He rarely sees her now that he's working in a different department but that doesn't make it any easier.

 

So yeah, it still hurts. I've read and heard that it will take sometimes up to a year or more to get over it.

[Curmudgeon]

It's only been a few months. The first time it happened with the ex I stayed in the marriage and decided to just let it go. The second time (that i know of) I divorced her. That brought closure and moved me to the blessed state of indifference where she's concerned.

 

She'll always be the mother of my five children but while I care about her and her well-being, I don't care for her at all and never will again.

 

Give yourself some leeway. You'll come to terms with it, and yourself, all in good time.

[El-Producto]

I've been struggling with this for the last month since D-Day. You can read my story here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=114972.

 

A recent article that Gunny linked for me has been very helpful explaining what you are going through, despite the pain that your WS has put you through.

 

http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/addiction.htm

 

Good Luck

[Guest]

Hope its not too much of a downer, but it is 18 months since I discovered my wife of 18 years had been having an affair for the previous 2 years, and it still hurts like hell. To be honest I am starting to come to terms with the fact that I will never come to terms with the fact!

 

Sorry to say, but the process of recovery takes years, not months. If your WS is genuinely sorry, then they will want to put it behind them immediately, but this simply does not do justice to your grief. It haunts OUR relationship every day, and we have to continually re-assure each other that we are "fine". The future remains cloudy - to be honest it was only our 3 kids that kept us together initially - but some of the old feelings are starting to return. Whether or not I will ever bury this ghost, and whether I will ever trust her again, are questions that only time will answer. I have prepared myself for all possibilities.

[RecoverMe]

It does still hurt. And I've been introduced to the world of MDD (moderate depressive disorder), which only means to me that some days are good and some are not so good. It's been not quite a year and I feel so much pain, though it is not as acute or constant. I was reading a book on affairs called ""Not just Friends" and there was a part in there that portrays the different type of hurt partners. One was the accusatory sufferer, and I though I saw glimmers of myself in there.

 

My husband has been everthing he should be, apologetic, remorseful, ashamed, sad, depressed, panicked that i might leave him. He did a complete 180 in the aftermath, and I guess I got addicted to all the adoration and attention he gave me, something I had been craving all these years (14years of marriage, 19 together). My problem is when he is not as attentive, I feel I'm getting the short end. maybe I'm too selfish. He ended it w/ her, it was only a month affair (he's not so good at keeping secrets, although he went to the extreme here), and I believe that he made a really bad choice but it could have just as well have been me. He wanted to test himself, and me, to see if we really wanted to be married, because before we were really struggling. We have 2 kids, one is severely autistic, and takes so much energy and attention, not to mention the normal stressors of marriage.

 

anyway, nuff said. I'm sure he would just assume forget it all and move on, but for me not so easy. I think I have forgiven him, perhaps just the small piece of me that hasn't is wreaking havoc in my life and any prospects of being happy. He asked me today,"well do you want to get over it or not?" and I said it's not as if I feel I have a choice in the matter, do I? I guess the buddhist saying that the pain is inevitable, the suffering is optional should be my mantra???