my situation

[leeharvey]

First post from me on here. I have been reading this forum quite alot and i am finding it help to calm my emotions, so thank you to everyone that takes the time to post.

 

Here is my story, im just going to bullet point the main parts so its easier to read.

 

-Im 29 years old, my ex is 25.

-Was with her for 3 years.

-Decided last september (after a great holiday together) that we would buy a house together.

-She put all her savings into the house and her parents paid all the other legal fees (12 grand in total).

-Found a house mid october and started purchase process etc... This is when the trouble started. She started to get more and more distant over xmas and the new year when the house purchase was going through. She told me that as she had never lived away from her parents she was scared, so i just put it down to that and thought i could help her get through it.

-Got the keys mid jan and her dad started doing the house up. The house will be ready to move into in 2 weeks.

-We had some great times together between oct and mar with her birthday, xmas and our 3 year anniversary in that period.

 

 

 

-4 weeks ago she was being totally off with me so i found out by reading her text messages that she had been sleeping with someone else behind my back. I confronted her and got the facts. She basically met the bloke while out drinking with friends the evening before we had the first viewing on the house in mid october! She didn't sleep with him until 2 weeks before xmas but they meet regularly since then. She had unprotected sex with him so i could be at risk.

 

 

-I seriously thought we were happy in october, we were very much in love after our holiday together and she seemed excited at the time about buying a house with me.

 

-She could have sat me down in october and said she wasn't happy and stopped all this from happening.

 

-She has lead both me and her poor parents on all through this house purchase. Her mum has cried alot about the situation.

 

 

Now im never going to be a person who will forgive cheating as it goes against all my values so the relationship ended the second i found out and i haven't seen her since. We have all come to an agreement (legal) that she will carry on paying her share of the mortgage while i live in the house for the next 2 years and we will sell it then. Her parents are embarrased about her and will help me out over the next 2 years to do the house up ready for sell.

 

What i wanted to ask you is:

 

1)She has answered a few of my questions about the affair by text message in the first week after i found out but i still don't really know what was wrong with our relationship in october for her to do it. I find myself texting her questions too often (especially when drunk) and she doesn't reply to any of them, its been silence for the last 3 weeks. I don't think i can move on unless i have heard what she felt was wrong with us or what i was doing wrong.

 

2)Also when she did reply it was completely cold responses like there was no love left at all. Is that a female defence mechanism or has she really fallen that much out of love with me? Is she going to feel sad about our 3 year relationship ending? We had some amazing times together in that period. The guy she is seeing doesn't want a relationship with her so she has lost my love and only has sex to replace it with.

 

I know i shouldn't be contacting her as its doing me no good but im still so much in love with her and my whole world has come crashing down. Even after 4 weeks im still crying most nights. I just need her to understand she is being cruel by not allowing me to get closure.

 

Any opinions would be appreciated.

 

Thank you.

[Icantletgo]

Wow.

 

I went through the similar thing. Was with him for 3 years. Had NO IDEA he was seeing and sleeping with someone else until it was too late. I found out through his cellphone as well.

 

It just hurts that YOU were so happy but apparently THEY weren't. So instead of telling you the truth, they screw around (literally) behind your back.

 

It's going to take SOOOO MUCH strength and much time to get yourself well.

 

I know it's hard NOT to talk to her. I talk to my ex still. Does he deserve my time and my love still? Hell no. I realize this..but we miss them. They were part of our lives for soo long that we can't picture it w/o them.

 

But the truth is....she moved on the minute she decided to have his phone number. The minute she started seeing him behind you back. the minute she slept with him.

 

If she loved you, she had PLENTY of time and plenty of opportunities to step back and STOP. But she didn't.

 

You need to breathe in and realize what she did.

 

It's easy for me to say that...but it's hard for me to practice that. Even though my ex cheated on me...i am still his "friend" 4 months later.

 

Good luck and i hope you find the strength that I don't have.

[leeharvey]

Hi Icantletgo.

 

Thanks for thr reply.

 

One extra thing:

 

On our 3 year anniversary we went away for the weekend, that was 1 week before i found out. I was so fed up with not getting affection from her that i broke it off. I didn't want to but I couldn't handle it anymore. She cried all night and in the morning she said that she didn't want to lose me and didn't want to break up. Thinking back on that now hurts me even more as she obviously wanted both me and him.

 

 

But yes im afraid that you are exactly right, she was over me the moment she asked for his number. I will never understand why she committed to buying a house with me though, i guess she thought she could keep the affair going and i would never find out.

 

I think i have to come to terms with the fact that she hasn't truly loved me for about 6 months and she doesn't care if i get closure or not from this.

 

Where is that "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" machine?

[Sassy Gal]

wow leeharvey, i'm sorry. but i agree with icantletgo, she had plenty of opps to tell you.....and i agree with you that if she was confused and having the affair she should NEVER have agreed to buy a house with you. that complicates things worse.

 

i think at this point, you just have to breathe and take some time to clear your head...go on a weekend getaway or something. it might be just the medicine you need.

[stace79]

Where is that "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" machine?

 

I second that. I'm so sorry...I will never understand cheating either. I think, in that case, I might consider requesting a "last meeting" of sorts and prepare myself beforehand to ask the questions running through my head. I am sort of like you....I need at least one good, knock-down drag out conversation to say and ask all the things in my head. A lot of times you just can't have that, but it might help you to do it ONCE. It certainly won't help to have the same discussion/argument over and over. I might then see a counselor to talk all these things through repeatedly if necessary.

 

Again, so sorry that someone would treat you that way when clearly you love her a lot.

[Icantletgo]

The same thing happened with my ex. I think he wanted both of us. During the 6 months we were trying to "work things out" and he was sleeping with the other girl: he asked me: "promise that you are ready for me. you are the last girl i'm going to date. This is it"....

 

He said that but it was lies.

 

He wanted both of us. I was the nice girl with the great, stable job and future. The other girl was the young, party girl, fake hair, fake nails, with the gigantic boobs.

 

But in the end, when i found out he chose HER.

 

I know there are alot of questions you have for her. But the truth is...SHE may not know all the answers. Of course she loved you,of course she cared about you. that is why she made the house buying committment to you. She knew you would love her forever....that's why she still wanted you there while she fooled around behind your back.

 

Maybe this guy was a fling that ended up lasting. Or this fling ended up being deeper than she thought it would be.

 

Whatever it is...there are gonna be so many questions you will have and some she may not be able to answer.

 

Even now that me and my ex are "friends"...I still ask him questions. Even 4 months later I have questions..and the questions will never end. Cause we will be forever hurt by their inconsideration of our feelings, our love.

 

Even now that we are friends, his mom doesn't even know we broke up. And whenever we hang out...he invites his mom!!! See...isn't that confusing???

 

I know you want to talk to her...but seeing where I am now...I wish I never showed my weakness...for now I am in way too deep. And i'm seriously broken.

 

Good luck to you.

[leeharvey]

I hear what you are saying icantletgo, The guy she is seeing is a 23 year old marathon runner so me being almost 30 and with a few extra pounds makes everything much worse.

 

Yes i think in my desperation to get answers i may have tipped over the edge into losing my dignity and her getting one over me by not replying to my texts. I need to make a strong effort to not contact her. Im not sure if she just doesn't care or is just waiting for things to settle down before she feels ready to talk. I do hope one day we can sit down together so i can fill in all the gaps and move on properly.

 

I must admit that even though i shouldn't, i do get a bit of satisfaction from knowing that she was desperate to move out of her parents house, and now because she has put her whole savings into buying this house and also paying the mortgage each month she can't afford to move out of her parents at all. Add to that the fact that her parents are angry at her for letting them put so much effort and money into the house too. Also i know that the guy she is seeing definitely doesn't want a relationship with her and she likes him alot, so now she is single she may start to press him into something more than sex and sooner or later he may stop seeing her.

 

She will be left imprisoned in her parents house for 2 years with them angry at her anyway and left without anyone in her life to care for her.

 

I will probably regret saying that in a few months time i guess. As much as she has ripped my heart out and stamped on it i do want her to be happy in her life, just as long as she is no where near me.

 

I loved her dearly and was always trying to think of ways to stop our relationship from getting stuck in a rut so this sort of thing wouldn't happen. She also told me truthfully that i was the best lover she had been with (she had never been brought to orgasm by any of her ex boyfriends and i tried to make sure she did everytime). Plus she had been treated really badly by most of her exes and one of them cheated on her several times with different girls.

 

I loved her and accepted her just the way she was, i loved all her quirks and the bits of her body she was paranoid about, i thought she was the prettiest sexiest girl i have been with but i guess i wasn't enough for her.

 

Oh well as the saying goes, its always the nice ones that get hurt. I certainly wont be turning into any womanising, cheating @sshole myself though as i know if im patient i will meet a loving girl that has the same values as me that i can happily trust to give my heart to.

 

I just realised i just spouted my emotions off the top of my head into the keyboard so sorry about that. Thanks for the posts though, it is much appreciated to know that others are going through pain at the moment too.

[2ndIINone]

I find myself texting her questions too often (especially when drunk) and she doesn't reply to any of them, its been silence for the last 3 weeks. I don't think i can move on unless i have heard what she felt was wrong with us or what i was doing wrong.

 

 

Ummm... she cheated and YOU are the one pursuing her for answers? Of course she's being cold with you.... she knows that SHE cheated on you, and you're still contacting her. Even though you don't believe in cheating and you ended the relationship.... you are still, in a way, pursuing her.

 

It SHOULD be the otherway around.... she SHOULD be pursuing you and begging for forgiveness.

[Icantletgo]

I think for many who have already healed and moved on...i think they forget how hard it is to move on. Especially if you want answers.

 

I told my ex that after 3 years, I deserved answers. that's the LEAST he could do after cheating on me.

 

I'm still extremely hurt. She's not that "hott"...she just has huge boobs. But i'm okay with it.

 

I can't blame her cause if it wasn't HER it woudl have been someone else. That is what I think.

 

What goes around will come around. Like I said, the girl that my ex was seeing and is "in love with" is now back with her ex....and is cheating on her ex with someone else!!!!

 

It's the knockers.

 

I know you are hurting right now and you wanna see the light at the end of the tunnel by seeing yourself happy with a faithful DESERVING woman...and seeing her at her parents house miserable.

 

Be patient. Good things will come to those who wait. Karma's a bitch.

 

Be strong. have the strength and courage that I don't. Good luck buddy!

[leeharvey]

I saw her last night while i was out in town for a friends birthday. Its the first time i have seen her in the 5 weeks since i found out about her cheating on me. She had quite obviously pulled a guy too and was flirting and laughing with him. I completely broke down and had to go home as it hurt so much to see the girl that i know i still love looking really pretty and flirting with other guys.

 

Now i feel like im heart broken all over again. Seeing her has made me realise just how much she was a part of my life and i miss her not being there.

[Icantletgo]

I'm sorry. It hurts when you see them LAUGHING and happy and you are just TORN and broken. But we all have to be strong. We just have to hope that our destiny is waiting for us...we just have to be strong and carry on.