moredeborah Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 Now I know what it's like to be a nagger! I'm 25, my boyfriend is 23. We live together and it seems like I am the person that takes care of EVERYTHING. Whether it be doing the dishes to figuring out how to get the alternator in HIS car fixed to ordering food at a restaurant to making calls to find a new storage unit, I AM THE ONE WHO DOES EVERYTHING. Now, he is a very capable person. He is not handicapped and I consider him a smarter person than I. I think it's the fact that he's younger, he was the baby of the family and he has had less independent experiences than I... and maybe some other things that it always ends up me being the person that takes care of crap. I've done the whole hold-out-don't-do-anything passive/aggresive thing, I've told him sweetly how I feel, we've had huge fights, I've tried to mirror the amount of things he does with what I do, but nothing works. I'm at my wits end. I can't just let things just go or we'll live in a filthy house with no working alternator in our car and the electricity going out because we haven't paid our bill. But talking to him about it is like teaching a baby who can't walk how to fly. He just doesn't get it. It's like he won't do or learn anything because he knows I'll take care of it. I'm so frustrated. Right now, his car has had a flat tire for a week. All he has to do is change it. I don't know how to change a tire. I'm sure I can figure it out because I'm a DIYer but I'm a GIRL and I do EVERYTHING ELSE! And he actually asked if I could do it... I of course refused. Anyway, how hard is it to change a tire? And if it is hard, how hard is it to find someone that can do it for you? I've been having to drive him around for a week because he can't get something like this done.... Gosh, I'm sorry about the ranting. I'm probably going to get a ton of hate mail because of this, but is there anyone out there that can feel my pain and how do you deal with it?
whichwayisup Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 . Right now, his car has had a flat tire for a week. So, for starters, let the car sit there. It's his, right? Well, don't worry about it. When he feels the need to use his car, he'll get off his ass and go change the tire or take it somewhere to get fixed. And, stop driving him around. Tell him if he needs to go somewhere he can walk, bike or take a cab, OR get his own car fixed. It sounds like he's had mommy and daddy do everything for him while he was growing up and now it's up to you to MAKE him understand that you are not his maid, his cook, his cleaner, or his mommy. He can either grow up and take some responsibility or move out. This sort of stuff kills romance and can ruin a relationship. Stop doing all those things for him because you're enabling him to continue his behaviour. I know the dishes thing sucks, but why not try this for a little while. Box up ALL your plates, dishes and glasses, forks, knives and spoons. For about a week (hopefully less) just use paper plates, plastic forks, plastic glasses so you can throw them out once used. Maybe then he'll realize how pathetic and immature he's acting and DO something to change. Unfortunately people don't change until the crap really hits the fan. He needs to suffer abit so he CAN change in a good way. Stop ordering in food for him. If he wants takeout, let him order it. He isn't a baby. I feel for you, and I can see that you're really frustrated with him. But, if you love him, then put up with it abit longer and continue to talk to him. Don't nag him, that will just make him run the other way - Be encouraging and stroke his ego (meaning tell him he's done a good job when he helps out more, make him feel good about it so he'll continue to contribute more) and definately when communicating, instead of getting upset AT him, show him how it affects you on an intimate level with him. Everything else aside those issues, how is your sex life? Is he loving and giving in bed? Is he a generous person in general? Does he make you happy? Good luck and I hope this helps!
EnigmasMuse Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 Two things that stuck out in my mind in your post was..... I AM THE ONE WHO DOES EVERYTHING. AND passive/aggresive thing, Unless you truly know how to work with or handle a person who is full blown passive/agressive and are willing to do so, then your stuggle will be hard. I'm not saying he is completley passive agressive in all that he does, in his everyday life with jobs, chores, relationships etc, but IF he is, then yes it can and will be difficult. You shouldn't have to DO EVERYTHING either. He obviously had alot done for him growing up, which makes him not really "grown up', because he has and is still dependent on others. So until he stops that and learns he shouldn't be that way, he will keep doing it, especailly if you keep enabling his behavior by doing those things for him. Once you stop helping to enable his behavior he is then faced with a choice, he will either have to learn to grow up and face responsibilty or he wont. If he chooses not to, then the ball is in your court on what you feel you need to do.
a4a Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 Stick a Fork in him........ I am married to this guy... My fuel filter is out, purchased it but he will not put it in. 4 days now. for cripes sake read some of my threads and see where you are heading with this guy and bail. Let me guess he cycles and about every 4-6 weeks he pops up with some outstanding miracle to sucker you back in??? Ask him why he does or doesn't do things and you hear "I don't know"...... or he would have fixed this or that but YOU didn't let him have the time or you did not remind him......... :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: PA people will make you crazy and you will end up beating the hell out of yourself while they sit back laughing. Oh bet he denies he is PA too..
Guest Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 Now I know what it's like to be a nagger! I'm 25, my boyfriend is 23. We live together and it seems like I am the person that takes care of EVERYTHING. Whether it be doing the dishes to figuring out how to get the alternator in HIS car fixed to ordering food at a restaurant to making calls to find a new storage unit, I AM THE ONE WHO DOES EVERYTHING. Now, he is a very capable person. He is not handicapped and I consider him a smarter person than I. I think it's the fact that he's younger, he was the baby of the family and he has had less independent experiences than I... and maybe some other things that it always ends up me being the person that takes care of crap. I've done the whole hold-out-don't-do-anything passive/aggresive thing, I've told him sweetly how I feel, we've had huge fights, I've tried to mirror the amount of things he does with what I do, but nothing works. I'm at my wits end. I can't just let things just go or we'll live in a filthy house with no working alternator in our car and the electricity going out because we haven't paid our bill. But talking to him about it is like teaching a baby who can't walk how to fly. He just doesn't get it. It's like he won't do or learn anything because he knows I'll take care of it. I'm so frustrated. Right now, his car has had a flat tire for a week. All he has to do is change it. I don't know how to change a tire. I'm sure I can figure it out because I'm a DIYer but I'm a GIRL and I do EVERYTHING ELSE! And he actually asked if I could do it... I of course refused. Anyway, how hard is it to change a tire? And if it is hard, how hard is it to find someone that can do it for you? I've been having to drive him around for a week because he can't get something like this done.... Gosh, I'm sorry about the ranting. I'm probably going to get a ton of hate mail because of this, but is there anyone out there that can feel my pain and how do you deal with it? Any guy who can't change a tire is just ridiculous. It's awesome that you know how to change a tire but he needs to take charge of his manhood. I've read a couple of your threads and it sounds like he needs a push towards your level. you need to ask yourself why you question these things about him. Do you really love him or is it just easy being with him. compare him to others you've been with at rate how he is. You're 26. The world has not ended for you.
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