sunshinegirl Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 Hi all: I originally posted a thread in the Dating forum about my boyfriend (separated for 1.5 years from his wife of 12 years). I don't mean to be insensitive to anyone on this forum who is going through very painful stuff and for whom dating questions in here might seem inappropriate. I truly don't mean to cause offense; and, I really am looking for some input/feedback on how I'm handling my relationship, and this is the population that can probably relate best to my situation. Anyway, I'm not sure if I'm allowed to double post on LS, so I'll point you to my original question: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t116888/ Would be very grateful for any input or feedback you may have. Thanks! Sunshinegirl
sumdude Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 Well, everybody's situation is going to be different. The thing to find out delicately is whether or not he's ready for a long term relationship yet. He's likley going to be very gun shy about ever getting married again but I could be wrong .Some people bounce right into a new thing and some need a lot more time to process and deal. I have to say though that until the divorce is final there's always going to be something hanging around his head. You really, really shouldn't pressure him to do it. That would likely just cause resentment. It's a decision he has to come to on his own or be pushed into by the ex. So you either have to be very patient with the relationship or take a couple steps back and see what he does. He may not know what he wants just yet.
hurting_in_nw Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 Well, my wife just left me for someone who is in a similar situation as your BF (married but separated). My question to her has been, "Why don't they just get divorced?" Clearly there is something preventing him from divorcing his wife. My best guess is that the actual act of filing is an emotional hurdle for him/them because it indicates the real, final end of a long relationship where a child is involved. I would agree with this. My next question to you would then be, if he still has this huge emotional hurdle to get over, maybe he is using you as a 'crutch' of sorts to get through it, or maybe even as a distraction from what he needs to do. I would also say that he may find he's a different person once he clears this hurdle, and that may cause him to re-evaluate his relationship with you. I guess the bottom line here is that I think it's a mistake for anyone to get involved with someone who is still involved with someone else, whether that person is married, separated, or whatever. I know that I am going through an intense emotional experience over the loss of my marriage, and I won't entertain the idea of getting involved seriously with someone until I know I've healed from it completely. The next woman I find doesn't deserve to deal with all the baggage from the last.
whichwayisup Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 Patience. That is all I can suggest for you. You can't force him to 'get over' it, sometimes it takes people alot longer to want to get involved in a real serious relationship again after divorce. I read though, that the D isn't finalized yet... Enjoy the relationship for what it is, but if you feel like you want to get married and have children, you have to decide to wait and see how it goes, or end it so you can find someone else who can offer you what you want. Remember too, his ex wife IS going to be IN his life forever. She isn't going away....So that's another thing you're going to have to deal with and accept. They also have a long history together, so chances are, they will stay friends on some kind of level. Which is great for their child. Again, it all comes down to what you can accept as OK for you.
Author sunshinegirl Posted April 10, 2007 Author Posted April 10, 2007 Thanks so much for your replies, hurting_in_nw and sumdude. The thing to find out delicately is whether or not he's ready for a long term relationship yet. He's likley going to be very gun shy about ever getting married again but I could be wrong Excellent point. He has said he would get married again if it were the right woman/relationship ("I'm smart enough to know that what happened was because she and I don't work, it's not about the institution of marriage"). But it's early days, we've only been dating for a couple months. You really, really shouldn't pressure him to do it. That would likely just cause resentment. It's a decision he has to come to on his own or be pushed into by the ex. So you either have to be very patient with the relationship or take a couple steps back and see what he does. He may not know what he wants just yet. I tend to agree with this (thanks for affirming my view!) , which is why I haven't pushed on where things stand. I am also not yet sure if I see him as a long-term partner - in my view, we're still getting to know each other and exploring our compatibility. So until and unless I think we really are compatible long-term, it doesn't make sense to me to try to raise/push the issue. My next question to you would then be, if he still has this huge emotional hurdle to get over, maybe he is using you as a 'crutch' of sorts to get through it, or maybe even as a distraction from what he needs to do. I would also say that he may find he's a different person once he clears this hurdle, and that may cause him to re-evaluate his relationship with you. Yes, this has definitely occurred to me. Early on, I worried about being a rebound (ugh, who wants to be that?). That concern faded, but now that I think about it, he has commented recently how grateful he's been to have me be a "beautiful reprieve" from the stress of his ex's possible job relocation. Hmm. I guess the bottom line here is that I think it's a mistake for anyone to get involved with someone who is still involved with someone else, whether that person is married, separated, or whatever. I know. I wouldn't say this is THE most enlightened thing I've ever done. At the same time, I do think I am in this with my eyes wide open, knowing very well that this could all blow up on me. I think for that reason I've done a pretty good job of guarding my heart. It's almost like I won't let myself fall totally in love with him until/unless he works through the legal (and more of the emotional) stuff. BTW, hurting, I'm very sorry for what you're going through.
Author sunshinegirl Posted April 10, 2007 Author Posted April 10, 2007 Thanks WWIU. Enjoy the relationship for what it is, but if you feel like you want to get married and have children, you have to decide to wait and see how it goes, or end it so you can find someone else who can offer you what you want. Good advice. You're right in that, at the end of the day, it's basically about what I can accept/deal with. So far I can definitely deal with it... but I have some conservative/religious friends who seem upset by the fact that I am not pushing the filing-for-divorce thing more. Which then makes me wonder if I should be pushing it...etc.
sumdude Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 Thanks WWIU. Good advice. You're right in that, at the end of the day, it's basically about what I can accept/deal with. So far I can definitely deal with it... but I have some conservative/religious friends who seem upset by the fact that I am not pushing the filing-for-divorce thing more. Which then makes me wonder if I should be pushing it...etc. Use your own judgement, you seem to have a pretty good handle on the situation. Try not to let thier religious or social beliefs impinge on your own. That doesn't mean to ignore true friends opinions though. If I had listened to mine more I wouldn't be getting a divorce because I would never had married the *****.
whichwayisup Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 .. but I have some conservative/religious friends who seem upset by the fact that I am not pushing the filing-for-divorce thing more. It's not their place to put their judgement on you, and it's not your place to tell him when to divorce her, because you want him to. He is going to do what's best for his child, and if he feels divorcing right now isn't the time, then it isn't the time...It is going to be really hard on the poor kid, so that has to be the focus too. If you push it, you're going to piss him off. His marriage, his divorce is his business. It has to happen when he feels HE is ready, not because you want him to. Anyway, I am glad you see things from all sides here.
dgiirl Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 Good advice. You're right in that, at the end of the day, it's basically about what I can accept/deal with. So far I can definitely deal with it... but I have some conservative/religious friends who seem upset by the fact that I am not pushing the filing-for-divorce thing more. Which then makes me wonder if I should be pushing it...etc. Sheesh, tell them to mind their own business! These are the same type of people who will then frown upon him for filing too soon. If your friends are giving you a hard time, then clearly they are not your friends and you need to re-evaluate their friendship, or put down some boundaries.
gecko83 Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 sunshine, I wrote a longer reply on your other post, but I'm finding that patience and a life outside of this relationship will get you to the next point where you might need to make a decision. It's so easy for women to make a man (especially one that could be "the one") the center of their universe. Do not!! you will go crazy if you abandon all of your other social outlets for this guy who technically has another life on the side that doesn't truly include you yet. Patience and be smart. At 3 1/2 mos.- you haven't had the chance to become "naive" yet. You do have control whether it feels like it or not.
Gunny376 Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 Hi all: I originally posted a thread in the Dating forum about my boyfriend (separated for 1.5 years from his wife of 12 years). I don't mean to be insensitive to anyone on this forum who is going through very painful stuff and for whom dating questions in here might seem inappropriate. I truly don't mean to cause offense; and, I really am looking for some input/feedback on how I'm handling my relationship, and this is the population that can probably relate best to my situation. Anyway, I'm not sure if I'm allowed to double post on LS, so I'll point you to my original question: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t116888/ Would be very grateful for any input or feedback you may have. Thanks! Sunshinegirl Only if your into pain and suffering!
boshemia Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 I don't know about others but for me filing for divorce was a step I just didn't want to take. No, I didn't want to be with him, I never wanted to get back together it wasn't so much holding on to him as it was holding on the the marriage... I saw filing for divorce as admitting that I failed. I kept making excuses, I kept asking him to file... We were separated for six months before the papers were filed, and I might have waited longer but we were both in new relationships and they had the same issues you are facing right now... I always believed that marraige was for life, and it was a lot easier to let him go than to let go of the fantasy. Getting divorced meant a lot of things, and all of them were bad. It just took me a long time to find something important enough for me to let go of that fantasy... So, eh... I don't know about your guy, but failure isn't easy for anyone to accept... maybe he does have reasons for waiting.
Gunny376 Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 I don't know about others but for me filing for divorce was a step I just didn't want to take. No, I didn't want to be with him, I never wanted to get back together it wasn't so much holding on to him as it was holding on the the marriage... I saw filing for divorce as admitting that I failed. I kept making excuses, I kept asking him to file... We were separated for six months before the papers were filed, and I might have waited longer but we were both in new relationships and they had the same issues you are facing right now... I always believed that marraige was for life, and it was a lot easier to let him go than to let go of the fantasy. Getting divorced meant a lot of things, and all of them were bad. It just took me a long time to find something important enough for me to let go of that fantasy... So, eh... I don't know about your guy, but failure isn't easy for anyone to accept... maybe he does have reasons for waiting. For me? Getting divorced? Mean't taking a good long look at myself! Ugliness and all! Looking at the underside of the beast and all!
boshemia Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 Yeah, I'll agree with you there... I did have to take a look at me, and strangely I actually found some things that I liked, I just didn't see them before. I also found some ugly spots, skeltons in the closet, and othersuch housekeeping chores. Five years after the big D... still cleaning.
Author sunshinegirl Posted April 11, 2007 Author Posted April 11, 2007 Gecko83 wrote: but I'm finding that patience and a life outside of this relationship will get you to the next point where you might need to make a decision. It's so easy for women to make a man (especially one that could be "the one") the center of their universe. Do not!! you will go crazy if you abandon all of your other social outlets for this guy who technically has another life on the side that doesn't truly include you yet. Patience and be smart. Thanks Gecko for your replies here and on the original thread. Always very good advice to have my own life. I do lead a really active, independent life. That may be one of the attractions for my boyfriend, actually: I travel regularly for work, have lots of friends/family nearby, and a number of hobbies to keep me busy. So in no way am I clingy or dependent on him. (God forbid I ever should be!)
Author sunshinegirl Posted April 11, 2007 Author Posted April 11, 2007 Boshemia wrote: I don't know about others but for me filing for divorce was a step I just didn't want to take. No, I didn't want to be with him, I never wanted to get back together it wasn't so much holding on to him as it was holding on the the marriage... I saw filing for divorce as admitting that I failed. Thanks for sharing that, Boshemia. That makes a lot of sense to me.
anna13 Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 Any feedback from those of you who are separated or recently divorced - am I handling this okay, or should I be putting more pressure on him to file? Any insights into how I might best be sensitive to his emotional state? I don't necessarily want to become a personal therapist to him as he processes things, but I also don't want to be insensitive to (or naive about) what might be going on for him. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders ( disregarding the fact that you got involved with someone "involved" ) but anyway , I dont think pressuring him to get a divorse will help anything . these decisions are his to make so he is going to make them when he wants to . plus , you knew that you were getting involved with someone who is involved so i think you have already dealt with dealing with it this long . I think you be caring for him like I know you do but it isnt your job to fix his problems. seems like you are helping him through things and he isnt really helping you . I know he is going through alot but at the same time , i dont understand the stall in paperwork. the only reason i can think of stalling paperwork is if there is still some thought or hope that things will work out in the marriage,that there is a chance. i dont see lazyness as a good reason not to finish the paperwork . your a good girlfriend for standing by him , but you deserve answers , but I have to say even though I believe that , you cant really force his hand on divorse papers , he will do them when he wants to , I think it isnt fair to you but at the same time you jumped into a burning boat.
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