candy Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 Does anyone know when its time to end a relationshp and move on? I ask this becasue my BF of 3 years and I get along great, things are nice..but to be honest, soemtiems i think there are too mnay obstacles to overcome, some big some small. I want to be a good sport and try to make things work, but then at times I wonder if theres someone else out there who's "more right" for me, and if I ended things or at least said "lets see other people" or take a break, i would know for sure if her's the one. I haven't been in many relationships in my life, and so soemtiems i think i put up with crap cause i like having him and dont want to get back "out there" or take a chance i may regret letting him go for the rest of my life. how much is too much??
sunshinegirl Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 What kind of obstacles are you dealing with? What are the big things, what are the small things? In general, if you are contemplating ending a relationship because the obstacles seem too hard to overcome...well...you're probably right. It means the negatives are starting to outweigh the positives in your mind. (...unless you have a history of fleeing relationships / commitment-phobia, in which case you may be exaggerating the obstacles in order to create an excuse to get out)
Author candy Posted April 10, 2007 Author Posted April 10, 2007 you are definitely right--it does seem as if thenegatives are outweighing the psisitives at this point! when i do a list, it does seem to be working out that way. honestly, i am sort of the opposite--I don't have a history of fleeing realtionships early. i usually didn't get into them because i was so picky, thinking evrythign had to be perfect and let's see what else there is. so with this one, i was trying to really make it work by compromsiing some of what i want. but his postives are VERY postive--and i feel if i leave and see what else is out there, someone elses negatives wil be worse. how much ofyour self can you compromise before you say "enuf"??
starlet Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 Well, I think what you need to do is sort of...well, rank the positives. Is the positive of one thing (say, that he calls when he says he will) worth dealing with couple of negatives (he's messy or whatever.) Does that make sense?
sunshinegirl Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 "how much of your self can you compromise" Hmm. If you feel like you are compromising pieces of your core "personhood", that doesn't seem good at all. Of course there are things like compromising on who cooks and who does dishes, who sorts and who folds laundry, whose friends you see this weekend vs next, where you spend holidays, and the like, that I wouldn't categorize as part of one's "personhood". But things like: you're outgoing and he wants you to be quiet around his friends; or you have some religious conviction that he says you have to change or ignore or silence...those are closer to the core of one's being, and thus something I would worry about. Do you want to say more about what the positives and negatives are?
Author candy Posted April 11, 2007 Author Posted April 11, 2007 see, none of the things anyone mentioned are really problems for us. basically we get along great--similar sarcastic senses of humor,, liek the same things, dislike the same things, he likes to cook, i like to clean....but there are issues, small ones but issues nonetheless, such as his snoring and his unwillingness to do anything about it...bigger things such as his realtiohship with his children and ex-wife and my wondering if i could live with kids every other weekend when i'm not a big "kid person" and have none of my own....or he's sorta cheap with me and generous with others and complains moneys tight when i know he makes a good living. i just see women with men that are so beneath them i think, and i don't want to compromise jsut to have "somebody"--but with all the good we have i don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater. he treats me so well and really does love me. but sometiems i feel the whole "taking me for granted " vibe, that things are easy for him in our ealtionship and he doesnt want to compromise or work on anything. and maybe theres someone out there who would treat me like gold....i'm a nice jewish girl and that's what i was brought up to seek out. after just passing our 3rd anniversary of dating i'm starting to think it might be a good tiem to make a change or something. i guess that's what brought up all these mixed feelings in me.
DanielMadr Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 treat me like gold Are you gold? Gold is cold Compromise? It is individual. And problematic. Look around. Natality zero. Divorce rate 60. Single, old, neurotic, narcisstic women in every corner. If you dont know what you want, you should first figure out who you are. If you are unhappy, I suggest you should tak with you partner about it. That you are bored etc.. If you are in doubt....bin it. You probably can find single man without kids, willing to entertain you more. Its better to risk then to slowly poison him and you in this relationship. Do it like every other girl....go out and try to seduce bigger fish. If you are honest type....dump current b/f first.
Author candy Posted April 11, 2007 Author Posted April 11, 2007 i would never cheat..so i would either dump or say the see other people or take a break from each other cliches. i coudl probaly find someone without kids...but maybe they would have MORE kids, or more custody or be too obsessed with them. its not that i mind the time and money he spends on them (well, i kinda do) i just want to be right up there in importance. last year we took a vacation together--i'll pay my share. but getting him to open his wallet or take the time off is impossible, i have no kids and plenty of vacation time at work, which is why soemtiems i feel i'm wasting away with boredom with him, when i'd like to be traveling more or doing fun sutff. maybe were just in a rut?? again, who's to say i meet someone who will take more time off> maybe it'll be worse, or they'll treat me worse. which goes back to the original ? when is it time to dump? or have a discussion?
DanielMadr Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 i would never cheat..so i would either dump or say the see other people or take a break from each other cliches. i coudl probaly find someone without kids...but maybe they would have MORE kids, or more custody or be too obsessed with them. its not that i mind the time and money he spends on them (well, i kinda do) i just want to be right up there in importance. last year we took a vacation together--i'll pay my share. but getting him to open his wallet or take the time off is impossible, i have no kids and plenty of vacation time at work, which is why soemtiems i feel i'm wasting away with boredom with him, when i'd like to be traveling more or doing fun sutff. maybe were just in a rut?? again, who's to say i meet someone who will take more time off> maybe it'll be worse, or they'll treat me worse. which goes back to the original ? when is it time to dump? or have a discussion? Suggest to him to give you more, take you out more often, longer vacations etc. Dont expect he is mindreader. Be prepared to give him more too. Dump him when you see no future with him and you dont care about him.
Author candy Posted April 12, 2007 Author Posted April 12, 2007 well, i DO care about him, and i do think we have a future--just not sure what that future is! i know after the first year or so of being wooed things start to tail off. but after 3 years, i find us doing less and less. like last year around this time we took a nice vacation together..now when i bring it up he says "we could do that again"--but nothing specific! and we used to go to Atlantic City for the night, or dinner on tuesdyas..stuff like that. now its come over my house and hang otu watching tv, then on weekends i see him dinner and maybe a movie. like he's taking me for granted. i'm not asking for trips around the world, just some excitement. i don't have kids so i dont really have anything keeipng me around. i know money is tight for him, yet he has enuf money for his gym and stuff for his kids..i just want my share! i'm not a spring chicken (30's) but i have to think some man woudl be pleased to be with me, not having any kids or wanting kids, no ex- husbands to deal with... as my friend calls it "a blue chipper"!
DanielMadr Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 well, i DO care about him, and i do think we have a future--just not sure what that future is! i know after the first year or so of being wooed things start to tail off. but after 3 years, i find us doing less and less. like last year around this time we took a nice vacation together..now when i bring it up he says "we could do that again"--but nothing specific! and we used to go to Atlantic City for the night, or dinner on tuesdyas..stuff like that. now its come over my house and hang otu watching tv, then on weekends i see him dinner and maybe a movie. like he's taking me for granted. i'm not asking for trips around the world, just some excitement. i don't have kids so i dont really have anything keeipng me around. i know money is tight for him, yet he has enuf money for his gym and stuff for his kids..i just want my share! i'm not a spring chicken (30's) but i have to think some man woudl be pleased to be with me, not having any kids or wanting kids, no ex- husbands to deal with... as my friend calls it "a blue chipper"! So he is not giving you enough. You can honestly communicate with him about it, that you need more romance and attention. Or you can start to play games. Or you can take initiative. You know its pretty difficult for a man to fullfill all your romantic needs. And we need some positive motivation to keep us running. Keep in mind you can use negative motivation like backing off, nag etc. but it only makes bad blood. Instead buy som lingerie, suggest enjoying weekend in nature or basketball tickets. I can see your similar problems you have all around. Biggest mistake is thinking he is supposed to read mind or you need whip. Its work and giving on both sides. If you feel you are giving more without feedback and you are sure you are right....bin it.
Author candy Posted April 17, 2007 Author Posted April 17, 2007 havent been to my compuer in days--sorry! so i do the whole lingerie stuff, we do have fun ttogehter. i'm not upset with that, in that i love spending time with him and can jsut be watching a game on tv and be happy (go Rangers!!) i guess its just hard ot hear other women talk about their romantic , thouhgful men, the trips they take and the little gifts they give them, etc. while my BF is very good at putting himslef, his kids, his dog, his work, his parents, etc. etc. before me. but at least i know hes true, he wouldnt cheat, he loves me (wish he's say that more, too!) guess i;m just wondering as the old song says "sometimes love just ain't enuf"--i mean, how do i know if i'm expecting too much or if theres better out there. thats like the million dollar question....as far as i'm concerned.
Star Gazer Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 ...bigger things such as his realtiohship with his children and ex-wife and my wondering if i could live with kids every other weekend when i'm not a big "kid person" and have none of my own....or he's sorta cheap with me and generous with others and complains moneys tight when i know he makes a good living. i just see women with men that are so beneath them i think, and i don't want to compromise jsut to have "somebody"-- He LOVES his kids. You don't. You think he's "beneath you." MOVE ON.
Author candy Posted May 1, 2007 Author Posted May 1, 2007 i don't love his kids, he loves them they're his kids. i don't think theres anyhting wrong with that. i don't think he's beneath me ,i think he's wondeful in many ways i just want mey fair shake..if his kids are going to run his life and theres no time or money to spend with me then i don't think he should have me or any other girlfriend.
a4a Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 i don't love his kids, he loves them they're his kids. i don't think theres anyhting wrong with that. i don't think he's beneath me ,i think he's wondeful in many ways i just want mey fair shake..if his kids are going to run his life and theres no time or money to spend with me then i don't think he should have me or any other girlfriend. Wow ......... who are you to say if he should have a gf or not. Many women would be happy with a guy with kids that was a good father, and would participate as a family unit with him. Some women may even buy his kids gifts. Some women may realize he has responsibilities and pay for the whole vacation herself if she wants a vacation with him. His kids will not go away. You need a different kind of man right now...... one you feel that dotes on you, and you only. At your age it may be difficult to find a decent man without kids. (btw I don't like kids myself - I would never date a man with kids, nor have I because of the baggage - but I certainly don't think my way of thinking is the way the world should think)
Guest Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 Well, of course his kids are going to run his life to some extent. They're his kids! I understand you are not a parent nor wish to become one, but I thinkthis is the strongest bond there is between people. He is going to be inextricably, strongly and permanently linked to those kids. I think it speaks volumes about his character -- in a very, very good way -- that he is the way he is about his kids. A man who can more or less walk away or just be half-interested in his kids is not someone who will treat you well in the long run, imo.
Author candy Posted May 1, 2007 Author Posted May 1, 2007 Well, i did buy his kids gifts for xmas.....and sometimes i buy the BF small things when i see soemthing he might like or need for the house. NOT RECIPROCATED!! i have offered to pay for the vacation for both of us, and he says he's old fashioned and won't let me do it. so i am a good GF, believe me, i really do try, but i cannot be the one doing all the compromsiing. i just ask for my fair share....havign kids does not give one an excuse to be a lousy boyfriend, or else, in my opinoin, he should maybe concentrate on them and when they're older maybe he can go the GF route.
a4a Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 Well, i did buy his kids gifts for xmas.....and sometimes i buy the BF small things when i see soemthing he might like or need for the house. NOT RECIPROCATED!! i have offered to pay for the vacation for both of us, and he says he's old fashioned and won't let me do it. so i am a good GF, believe me, i really do try, but i cannot be the one doing all the compromsiing. i just ask for my fair share....havign kids does not give one an excuse to be a lousy boyfriend, or else, in my opinoin, he should maybe concentrate on them and when they're older maybe he can go the GF route. Have you discussed this with him in detail?
Author candy Posted May 1, 2007 Author Posted May 1, 2007 we talk, but you know guys, in one ear and out the other. and whne i hint that maybe things arent workin gout for me, and "if we break up" he says "we;re not breaking uo, don't talk that way"--i know he loves me, but why can;t he change a little?? a little goes a long way ,i can't be miss understanding GF all the time, while he sails thru life doing exactly what he wants. i beleiev hugely in "date nite" once a week for couples, but i seem to be the only one...
Lauriebell82 Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 we talk, but you know guys, in one ear and out the other. and whne i hint that maybe things arent workin gout for me, and "if we break up" he says "we;re not breaking uo, don't talk that way"--i know he loves me, but why can;t he change a little?? a little goes a long way ,i can't be miss understanding GF all the time, while he sails thru life doing exactly what he wants. i beleiev hugely in "date nite" once a week for couples, but i seem to be the only one... Well, maybe you should just break up with him. If he is really resistant to the issue, yet doesn't take steps to change then maybe losing you is what he needs to do. I'm not one to advice to plays games in a relationship, but if you are really this unsatisfied maybe it is best to just break up with him. If that happens 1 of 2 things will happen: 1. He will realize how much he loves you and how he can't live without you. He then will make more of an effort in your relationship and balance you and his children more equally. 2. He'll feel less obligations, and more time to concentrate on raising his children. You'll be able to find a bf without children who will love and appreciate you, and devote all his effort to your relationship. Honestly candy, you just don't sound happy anymore. Like I have advised in your other threads, maybe you should not date someone who has children. Yes, some men can balance a relationship and custody of children, but it doesn't sound like your bf is able to do that. Maybe moving on will be the best thing for both of you. Good luck!
Author candy Posted May 3, 2007 Author Posted May 3, 2007 ya know, i am happy with him, most of the time. i mean, i just hooked up wiht an old freind at my high school reunion, and shes divorced so i was asking her questions to see how her and her ex handle things. and she told me things about her and her other divorced friends, and they say i'm not being that unreasonable. that their ex's are good fathers AND don't have to see their kids as much as him. that i'm not out of line. so i don't think all men are like he is....and when i tell him this stuff he says well "i'm like that." but that doesnt make it right! if everyone said i was completely unreasonable i might change my tune,. but i still insist i''m not asking for that much, and woudl love to know how to get thru to him other than breakig up, that's so drastic....
Art_Critic Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 I'm sorry.. I think you need to break up with him. The issue isn't him or how he treats his ex.. the issue is you and how you view how he treats his kids and his ex.. I don't think you are asking too much.. just too much for him.. He is a good father and if you ask him to chose between you and his kids you will lose. you have every right to be happy.. but you need to find someone that doesn't have children. Better to move on now than later.. I hope your future doesn't include children and if it does I hope you will look back on this relationship and see where you went wrong and make the changes to make sure your kids are happy Children are to be cherished not disowned.. When 2 parents divorce the responsibility becomes both parents to make sure those kids live a happy life.. including buying gifts for Mothers day and Fathers day.. that is what good parents do...
whichwayisup Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 that their ex's are good fathers AND don't have to see their kids as much as him WTF? I think it's great that he sees his kids as MUCH as he wants. You're the one who has issues with how much time he spends with them, or how many times his kids call. A_C is right, you do need to break up with him. Not because of the kids, but because he cannot give you what you want or meet most of your needs.
sweetbutcheeky Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 If you love him and can't see your life without him, you compromise. If there are things that are deal breakers that you can't compromise on and you know are never going to change then you have to move on.
Author candy Posted May 8, 2007 Author Posted May 8, 2007 I do compromsie---ME!! but where are his sacrifices? thats all i'm saying..its a 2 way street....
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