hurting_in_nw Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 If you wish, you can read my story here. If not, here's the short version: Wife had an affair, I offered to suck it up and try to save our marriage but she refused multiple times to break it off with the OM (who is married BTW). I kicked her out, we're now in an email-only contact agreement due to me wanting to control my anger. I'm devastated over the loss of my marriage and the loss of our family. There were no giant problems in our relationship, other than W's depression, which I believe has led her to do what she's done. At this point though, she doesn't want to help herself, so I'm checking out. Let the OM help her. Anyway, I've been using anger for a few weeks as a way to cope with all of this, but the last couple of days I can feel the sadness creeping in. I know it's something that I need to go through to come out of this healthy, but I worry that it may consume me (as I was with anger). Any suggestions on dealing with the sadness over this? Should I still hold onto a bit of anger so that I don't fall too far? Should I cry for days on end if that's what it takes, or just visit it for short periods of time? Any help you could give would be appreciated.
norajane Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 Everyone handles this kind of pain differently. I understand how the anger can carry you through it for a while, and then the sadness descends. Personally, I believe the best way to go through it is just to go through it as it comes. So, if you need to cry for days on end, go ahead. If you can't handle that and need to hold on to your anger, try doing that. It's all on an individual basis. You might want to consider going to a counselor - it might help to have an objective party to talk through this. I lean on my family and friends to help me on my worst days.
LakesideDream Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 The sadness takes the longest to dissapate. As I have posted before, at first I allowed my self sadness sprinkled with a little bit of anger in the mornings. After a month or two it was a hour a morning. After six or so months a half hour, then 15 minutes, then 5, finally it just wasn't something I did. Still to this day six years later, I feel the same sadness I felt then when I read a post like yours. Buck up, you may not "get over it" or "move on", but you will get to a place where it's not important anymore.
Author hurting_in_nw Posted April 10, 2007 Author Posted April 10, 2007 Thanks nora. I am in counseling and have a great support system of friends and family helping me.
Author hurting_in_nw Posted April 10, 2007 Author Posted April 10, 2007 The sadness takes the longest to dissapate. As I have posted before, at first I allowed my self sadness sprinkled with a little bit of anger in the mornings. After a month or two it was a hour a morning. After six or so months a half hour, then 15 minutes, then 5, finally it just wasn't something I did. Still to this day six years later, I feel the same sadness I felt then when I read a post like yours. Buck up, you may not "get over it" or "move on", but you will get to a place where it's not important anymore. Thanks Lakeside. Funny you say that--I usually feel saddest in the morning, mostly due to a dream I've had about her .
aaaaaiiiiieeeee Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 Mornings were always the hardest for me as well. I still occasionally wake up terrified or angry and it's usually due to some dream I've had. Mostly it is just a dull pain now sprinkled with occasional anger over her affair, but I'm so looking forward to that final decree since I filed for divorce! I've been keeping up with your thread and have been able to identify with your pain. It's only been ~4 months for me but I've been feeling so much better the last few weeks.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 Unfortunately the grieving cycle doesn't follow logical steps or order. Also it is a cycle. Sadness for me hasn't been the worst part. For me anger was the worst, I just couldn't handle it, felt like I was going to explode. I would be so very relieved when anger would leave and sadness would replace it BUT because it is a cycle it kept returning. I think that it is important to recognize each stage as it comes and goes, to develop coping strategies for each stage, and each time you will atleast handle them better. It sounds like you are still very much in the begining stages as far as time goes. I love what LS said (though his timeline is MUCH shorter than mine) at some point you have to take control over it. Enough becomes enough and you realize that in order to move on you can no longer let grief consume you. So you pull your self up by your boot straps and begin to move on ... you'll know when your ready for that.
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