sunshinegirl Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 Hi - I'm not sure where to post this, as I'd especially like input from those who are separated or divorced. Some background: I'm dating a great guy who has been separated from his wife for about a year and a half. They married right out of college, and were married for 12 years; they have a 5-year old daughter. Apparently things were tough/bad for a long time between them; BF says they married too young and grew apart over the years. After their daughter was born, all the intimacy of the marriage went to her; then BF's wife cheated on him with another married guy (with kids of his own). They separated in the fall of 2005; he and I met summer '06 and started dating in January '07. Things are good between us; I even met his parents on Sunday (Easter). BUT, he's not legally divorced yet. I know a lot of people would condemn this, as I might have some months ago. In fact, as of 2 months ago, they had not yet filed divorce papers. I asked why and he said the marriage is definitely over, they're just being lazy about the paperwork. That sounds a bit flimsy to me, although when he has talked about what happened between them, it is clear that he has done a lot of emotional work/processing, and I detect no signs of him wishing they could get back together. Plus, his ex is still seeing the married guy (who has since divorced his wife) and she is contemplating a move 500 miles away from here to be with him. My best guess is that the actual act of filing is an emotional hurdle for him/them because it indicates the real, final end of a long relationship where a child is involved. Ideally I should have told my BF that I'd be happy to start dating him when he filed papers. But I figured that I'm just as unsure about him as a long-term partner for me as he may be about me. So until we're at a point where I want a real future with him, I don't really feel like I want to "force" him to file papers. I did tell him that I didn't want to be in a situation where I'm several months into a relationship with someone who hasn't even filed divorce papers. He said he completely understood, that it made total sense (though he stopped short of volunteering to get the paperwork started). That conversation was about a month ago; I have been biding my time since then, and am thinking of asking what's going on in another month, when we're at the 3-month mark. Right now he's dealing with the stress of his ex's potential move 500 miles away, as she has primary custody of their daughter (who he now sees regularly). He and the ex have a good relationship as far as co-parenting goes, but it will inevitably have a huge impact on his relationship with his daughter if they move away. My question(s): Any feedback from those of you who are separated or recently divorced - am I handling this okay, or should I be putting more pressure on him to file?Any insights into how I might best be sensitive to his emotional state? I don't necessarily want to become a personal therapist to him as he processes things, but I also don't want to be insensitive to (or naive about) what might be going on for him.
candy Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 sounds liek a lot of baggage! if he hasnt filed yet there must be a reason, none of which are good. it seems he's going thru a lot now, with his ex maybe moving and all that. putting pressure on him? well,like i said earlier, if he wanted to he woudl have done it. the not being divorced part doesn't bother me for moral reasons, as the intent is there. but he's still marreid and cannot move on until he takes that first step....
gecko83 Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 OMG my story is just like yours except my BF has no children with his wife. I've never imagined that I could be in a situation like this, but it happened and I'm truly falling for him. I'm dealing with situations left and right like they have to get together to file taxes and get together to sell their house etc. My question is what does your gut say? Everyone is going to give you advice (mostly saying that you need to get out) But my advice to you is to stop taking everyone's advice. Be honest w/ yourself and ask if you feel if his intentions feel real. After about 3 1/2 mos into my rel., my stress started w/ real physical reactions that made me nautious. I had to have a talk w/ him and ask him every question that was on my mind. I think it made a diff. in our rel. b/c he knew that I wasn't playing around. To get your answers, such as.. "why haven't you filed yet?" you just need to ask him. He shouldn't have a problem answering you. Once you have an answer, then go from there and set a timeline in your head. I wouldn't want to waste any more than 9-10 mos w/ him if he can't even file. Talk to him and let him know you're watching out for yourself.
Jinxx Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 My first thought on this -- divorce is expensive...... Very expensive, especially when children are involved and that is a whole other arena you are entering and it could get extremely ugly and costly. Are you prepared to be a step parent to someone else's child? It is not easy and that itself presents a alot of other issues that will definitely "test" your relationship. The added fact that ex is planning on moving 500 miles away only contributes further the potential problems you will encounter in the future. I suggest you check out out websites or forums for those thinking about a serious relationship with a man (or woman) with children. You can learn a lot by reading their stories. Some successful, some not. Very educational and a good tool for anyone considering a future in a stepfamily situation.
serial muse Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 Hm. Well, every situation is different, so it's hard to know whether my story will help much. But here goes. About a year after I separated from my exH (he had cheated) I met someone and started seriously dating him. I told the new guy up front that I was separated but not divorced, and that my ex lived in a different state and we weren't really in touch (except for some lingering assets divvying up every few months). Basically, my exH was just waiting for me to file, but he apparently was in no hurry. I can't really say why, but I can say that on my end, it was helpful because I was still on his insurance and after a major emotional meltdown following his affair, I decided to go ahead and follow my dream, which was basically a new freelance career that didn't offer me insurance of my own. So of course I wasn't in any particular hurry to divorce either; I needed the insurance to help me get afloat, we weren't in touch anyway and in my mind, I was essentially divorced. It was, by that time, a business transaction in my mind, and perhaps in his too. Anyway, when things started to get serious with the new guy (and I had a more stable job prospect) I decided it was time. About 5 months or so after we started dating, I filed and that was that. It was freeing, but by that time - about 1 and a half years after we split up - it was okay. A bit emotional but basically okay. So what I guess I'm trying to say is, there isn't necessarily anything nefarious going on that you need to worry about. Like I said, it was a year and a half before I managed to do it, because there wasn't any pressing reason to and I, too, am lazy about paperwork and basically it takes a lot of emotional gearing up to just get it done. That doesn't mean they should let it drag on forever, but I'm just trying to reassure you that it also doesn't mean you need to worry yet, since you've only been together a couple of months. As for what you can do, I think you're wise to just be willing to listen without judging. He's being honest with you, it sounds like, and I really doubt that whatever's going on is any reflection on how he feels about you, so please try to feel reassured about that. You're not being overly naive. That said, I don't see anything wrong with making it clear you're not okay with this indefinitely, and like Jinxx said, there's no doubt that there'll be some major baggage there, so you should be ready for that. To some extent, filing for divorce will be a big step for him toward dealing with that baggage. So on that score, it'll be good for him to get a move on. I think your plan to revisit the question in a month is a good one. Is there any sense of the timeframe of when his ex might move, if she does it?
Author sunshinegirl Posted April 11, 2007 Author Posted April 11, 2007 Thank you all, very much, for your replies! Not a lot of time right now to reply, so let me just respond to Serial Muse's question: I think your plan to revisit the question in a month is a good one. Is there any sense of the timeframe of when his ex might move, if she does it? I don't know exactly, but she is a teacher so I imagine she will finish the year out here, and move sometime over the summer to start the new job in the fall. But I still don't know if she decided to take the job. My boyfriend isn't terribly effusive...he's not a verbal gusher. I think it doesn't occur to him to keep me updated on this stuff...so yesterday I asked him, gently, over email, if the ex had made a decision...that I wasn't trying to pry but that it will obviously affect his life a lot and I care about him, so it makes me curious. He seemed fine with me asking, but said we could talk about it later (ie not on email)...but then our evening got away from us and we ended up not talking about it. *sigh* I think I may need to say something, at some point, about how it would be a big help to me if he would share a little bit more of this stuff without my prompting. I don't want to feel like I am dragging it out of him. I knew that he was a quiet type when we started dating, so at some level I knew his communication style would at some point be something to discuss. I am way more of a "put it all out there" kind of gal; doesn't take much prompting for me to say what's going on in my world.
candy Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 he really needs to be more open to disucssing things with you, especially when he has all this baggage. you have every right to be updated on whats going on! hey, does anyone know the name of websites someone mentioned about dating men (or women) divorced with children??
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 I don't think it's a big deal that the divorce isn't in the works yet. It means nothing other than they haven't gotten around to it. I've been separated amost 2 1/2 years and at first I thought it was strange that a friend waited 3 years but now I know these things just take a long time. Mostly we are procrastinating due to wanting to avoid lawyers and hassles and get it done as cheaply as possible, but because there are kids involved, we have to go by the book. I also wouldn't expect to replace the mother's role, even if she does move away. You can be a support person, a friend, but not a mother to his child - she has a mother. The mother also has a life and is probably involved in other relationships, so there should be no need to let your insecurities affect your relationship with your man. Good luck! Have fun!
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