Uhh...Contact After 7 Months

[Cossette4]

I seriously can't believe this.

 

Those who are familar with my story, you can scroll down to the bold part. Those who aren't, you can read on for a little background.

 

Quick background: I'm 23 and he's 24. We dated for over 5 years and he seemed head-over-heels in love with me...and then out of the blue he breaks up with me over the phone while I'm away for the summer...I come back home at summer's end to find out he had started dating a bisexual highschool dropout skank a week after our breakup and then they MOVED IN together after 2 weeks of dating.

 

He refused to see me, speak to me, give me any explanation, or show any concern. He actually ignored my phonecalls begging for answers for 40 days until his friends forced him to meet with me.

 

During the meeting, he acted like I was a stranger and he had no remorse or guilt or regret or sorrow or anything while we talked. He simply said things like..."She makes me happy..I want to be with her now." "Don't talk to me anymore...my new girlfriend is my priority now." I told him this was a rebound because she is my total opposite and the type of girl you'd only see in really trashy strip clubs. I also said it was a rebound because they had moved in together within 2 weeks and we never even lived together! He denied this possibility.

 

I called again in September because I had a weak moment and of course, I get the same cold response. At one point I asked "Don't you want to be on good terms with someone you dated for 5 years who was your first love and highschool sweetheart?" And he said "I do." And I said, "Ok and why is that?" And he replied, "So it won't be awkward for other people if we see each other at a party." (A good example of the bizaare and insanely hurtful things said to me.)

 

So since September I have been in NC, although for awhile I was checking the skank's Myspace. I stopped when she created my ex a Myspace and they started typing to eachother "Love you sexy!" "You're hot!" and when they posted a PROFESSIONAL PICTURE taken of the two of them?!?!?!

 

I just figured he literally went insane and stopped stalking because it hurt too bad. I slowly got over HIM but not the BETRAYAL he put me through--how could he just forget about me and go be happy with her?! So we have been broken up for 9 months with NC for 7 months.

 

Fast forward to yesterday: I wake up and check my cell phone and there's a text message sent at 3:00 AM from HIM. It said, "I am moving to [out of state] because I got a job at [big name company] and I start May 1. Call me sometime."

 

WTF. We ended on these horrible terms where he basically left me for another girl and showed no regret in doing so, and now this guy is sending late night texts to me telling me I should CALL HIM SOMETIME? Uhhh...wait...I called you nonstop for 40 days and you didn't answer you motherf:bunny: cker.

 

So my two interpretations:

 

1. He is just being a cruel douchebag trying to throw in my face some *great* job he got (because 99% of our fights when we were together were about him being a loser going nowhere with his life because he dropped out of college and just obtained stupid jobs and tried to impress people by making them look like actual careers). If that's the case, I know this job at [big name company] is a joke--he's probably a janitor there.

 

OR

 

2. He is looking to get out of the relationship with the skank and the only way he knows how to do it is by running away. After all, he waited til I was across the country for the summer to break up with me. He is the epitome of the word "coward" so my bet is he will move out of state and then call her up on the phone and end it like he did to me. He would never be able to break up with her to her face, especially since they LIVE TOGETHER. And now that he's got it in his head that his rebound isn't doing it for him anymore, look who he's crawling back to to assess whether or not I'm still interested, and now his bait is to impress me with his snazzy job.

Furthermore, if she were moving with him, why would he tell me to call him?! I was the source of their woes those first couple months when I wouldn't stop calling. I am a piece of this skanky love triangle--why invite me back in if you plan on keeping her around?

 

Regardless of whichever one it is, his behavior sickens me because I KNOW they are still together. Like I said, he's a coward and won't break up with someone til he has geographical distance to protect him and other prospects lined up in the wings. Now he's apparently turning the tables and treating her like he treated me. (Which actually makes me really happy because that trailer trash whore deserves it...err...anyway...)

 

So yeah. Contact. After 7 months NC. And after a horrible, horrible bad-terms breakup, a casual message of "call me sometime."

 

Thoughts would be appreciated.

 

**And for the record, I WON'T be calling so don't worry about that. I've been through way too much suffering to dive right back in because of a text message.**

[shockandawed]

Hey Cossette,

 

WOW!! I have known your story for quite a while so that is something. I am glad to hear that you will not be returning his text or calling. If he needs to talk to you, he needs to man up and make a real call or visit. By ignoring this, you will force him to do that or leave you alone.

 

I think he wants you to know because of several things.

 

1. Like you said, I am sure he remembers your conversations about him not going anywhere and he wants to prove it to you he did.

 

2. Somewhat a fear of if he moves, he may lose contact with you if he doesn't give you a heads up where he is going.

 

The last one may be valid. I have been considering a career change and possible move. One of the thoughts that goes through my head is would I let my ex-fiance know? The only e-mail she ever used for me is my work one, and my cell is provided through my employer. If I did do this, she would have no idea what happened to me unless I told her.

 

Hang in there and be strong, I have a feeling more is to come.

[Icantletgo]

WOW. I can't believe he texted you that!!!! I'm so curious to what else he says..but I know you shouldn't reply back. The weird thing is that he text you at 3 am!!!! What a freak!!! There was really NC during the past 7 months??? Did you get sick to your stomach?

[Cossette4]

Shockandawed, thanks for the support. I totally agree--if he thinks a small, cowardly text message is sufficient to start a conversation after the way he treated me and the way he erased me, he's sadly mistaken. It'll be interesting to see if there is "more to come" as you say.

 

Icantletgo, I know....3 AM Text....I guess it's the only way/time you can communicate with your ex-girlfriend of 5 years when you are cohabiting with the girl you left her for.

And yes, total NC for the last 7 months. The last time we spoke is when I freaked out and called him on September 18th, 2006. He was totally not interested and even sounded annoyed that I was *still* upset, and then he hung up on me. Awesome. Haven't seen or heard from him since except through sightings from mutual friends.

At first it didn't make me sick to my stomach because I was just kind of numb. Then when it hit me that he seriously sent that, I got excited that things must not be all roses in their magical relationship and he was regretting things. But then I got sick to my stomach when I thought of how he's still WITH her, yet texting me. What a dumb douchebag.

[Shadowdog36]

Moving out of state...starting a new job...all without the person that's been there for him...you.

 

Sounds to me like he's looking for a confidence 'booster shot' before he heads off, and you're his easiest source. DON'T BE!!!

 

Let him squirm. He doesn't deserve even the slightest "best wishes" from you.

[spinback]

3am? That sounds strangely familiar. Oh yeah, that's roughly the time I'd be texting my ex after a few drinks (or more) with some sort of weak message telling her I was sorry for everything that went wrong, even though none of it was my fault.

 

And, because of that, if it were me I wouldn't take any message sent at that hour too seriously. Only way I'd ever talk to my ex is if she at least called me, so that I knew it was definately her on the other end (not one of her mates having a laugh, for example, which did happen), and that she wasn't drunk or otherwise intoxicated. I had a late-night text from her once, to which I replied the next day. I was hanging on for a response for weeks, but never got one. But yeah, there are always ulterior motives... the level of paranoia I've reached after being with her is ridiculous.

 

That aside though, maybe this guy is just wants to know where you're at emotionally? If he gets a call, great... you're still on the hook, and he's still got options. If not, well... he knows where he stands. Judging by the sound of this other girl, options is going to be what he'll want. It does sound a lot like an "I told you so" message to me but that casual "call me sometime" just doesn't fit... he's probably hoping this new "high calibre" job is enough to lure you back, should he want to.

 

Obviously I know relatively little about the situation, but based on what you've written here I could think of at least half a dozen more interpretations. As I've learnt, you can speculate endlessly but any amount of psycholanalysis won't really help; you're already doing what you should be, which is keeping this guy out of your life.

 

Good luck

[Cossette4]

Shadow, thanks I don't plan on it! If we would have broken up respectfully, I'd totally be all about sending a "best wishes" message, but he totally doesn't deserve it. Chances are, he's sending it in an attempt to rid himself of the strange guilt he feels for doing what he did to me and he's hoping he can play it off like time made the betrayal go away and we can be cool now.....NOT HAPPENING.

 

Spinback, that is a possibility, although he isn't really a big drinker (I think I've seen him drunk twice in 5 years). My thought was 3 AM = skank's asleep and he can text the ex.

 

I also agree with you that it could be a "I told you so" message, except like you said, why the "Call me sometime"??!?!? Why not "Screw you, b*itch!" ya know? Plus, the whole "Haha in your face!" mentality doesn't really fit with his character. If anything, cowards are very meek and nonconfrontational.

 

I know I'm analyzing it to the max, and that's not getting me anywhere. I just really can't help but see it as what I've been thinking all along--his new relationship is a rebound, he's trapped in it and the only way out is out of state, and since the rebound is no longer filling the void, he's starting to remember what he's lost.

 

Yet the other side of me says I'm only interpreting it like that because that's what I would want to happen. It'd be awesome to have him suffer the consequences of his poor decision making, and have the skank suffer the consequences of being the reboundee.

 

But the sad thing is, the total opposite could be true--SHE COULD BE MOVING WITH HIM for all I know Which of course, would make me mad and also add to the list of insanity that they've been participating in for the past 9 months (moving in together after 2 weeks, getting professional photos taken together after 5 months, now moving out of state together after 9 months).

 

I guess the bottom line is, whatever the real truth is, it really doesn't matter because I'm not responding to the text, and in doing so, I have regained some power back and made it clear that I'm not pathetic and desperate to talk to him like I was 7 months ago.

[Zapbasket]

Wow, Cossette4, and to think that just this past weekend you were writing about how you'd not contact him and how you've been NC all this time. Talk about proof that the past doesn't just disappear, no matter how much we might wish it to (I'm talking more about him here, in that he thought he could just throw you away but now that he's moving he has to come to terms with his caring for you). He thought he could just disregard you, and now he's feeling some pang or other. It could be that this is a glimmer of the good guy he maybe has potential to be...but I agree that if he really wants a response from you he needs to step up to the plate and reach out to you more directly, with a phone call, e-mail, request to meet if you're up for it.

 

Stay strong! If he really is ready to make things right with you, he'll follow up with a more appropriate gesture. If he doesn't, then he'd only hurt you again if you responded.

[skper138]

****! i cant believe that after so long he sends you a tex at 3:00am.

there is probably something going on between them so he is finally realizing how big of a jerk he was with you. try your best not to call him back at all. i know that deep inside you want to know what he has to say but at the end it's not even worth it. You would be going back where you started with your healing process. It has been almost 4 months since my break up which as you may know it is very similar to yours. I still wish he would call and tell me he loves me or try to get back with me. I'm living my life but i still have some hope for him to come back. he will probably try to talk to you and call you soon. prepare yourself just incase he does. Good luck and keep us posted.

[Cossette4]

Green, I know! That was one of the first things I thought of.."Omg I was just typing a post about how we hadn't had contact for 7 months..."

Excellent advice--I'm not going to give him the satisfaction of thinking I'd jump at a dumb text message. Plus, I don't trust him so I have no idea what the motive for this may be. I know they are still together, so to me he hasn't changed his cowardly hurtful ways--he's just doing them to her now. I don't want to be a part of it.

Also, I was at my ex's former best friend's house last night (they no longer were on speaking terms after this whole thing happened and he called my ex a douchebag for doing what he did to me) and I happened to check his cell phone when he was out of the room and sure enough, there were 2 phone calls between him and my ex the day before and the day after the text message was sent.

I don't know WHAT to make of that because they haven't spoken since September except for once in December when he wanted my ex to give him his stuff back. So now all of a sudden there's communication between them.

My ex's former best friend didn't say anything to me though, so I decided to play it cool and didn't even tell him about the text or ask him about the phone calls.

I am kind of suprised he didn't mention the calls because he helped me through this whole situation back when it was really bad and I would have thought he'd give me any follow-up.

It kind of worries me because maybe it means it's not good news (aka the skank is moving WITH him out of state and the text message is nothing more than a mind f*ck or maybe something he felt *obligated* to do so I wouldn't have to hear the news from our mutual friends.)

So yuck...I'm not as pumped about it anymore.

 

Skper,hey long time no see--how have you been doing?? Thanks for the support--I definitely won't be calling back especially since I discovered he's been talking to his former best friend and that guy hasn't said anything to me, meaning maybe it's not a sign of regret or a sign he's breaking it off with the skank, but an attempt to not be a douchebag and have me hear the news from my friends (see above).

I'm just sick of even caring about this anymore. I just want him out of the state now, skank or no skank, so I can move on with my life.

[Vera_Louise]

Honestly....from everything you've said, I think he might seriously be gay. He doesn't want to blow his cover, so to speak. It's best he's your ex.

[Cossette4]

Haha...Umm alright that's....one...explanation, I guess? Sorry I'm lost as to how you came to that conclusion...

 

While it does creep me out that he's dating a girl who proclaims to be a bisexual, I don't think that makes HIM gay...I think that makes...her...half...gay?

 

And if you are referring to his "big move" and the reason behind it, I'd definitely theorize it was either a) a cowardly attempt to get out of his 9-month rebound relationship or b) another insane action he's doing WITH his new girlfriend before I would conclude he must be gay...(also..the state he's moving to isn't exactly the most tolerant place to be moving if one decided they wanted to live out their gay lifestyle in peace).

 

If he were gay, he would have left me for another guy and been shacking up with him for the past 9 months.

[suchislife]

Here's the deal. You don't have enough information to make a decision. For example, if he is moving withe the gf, then you would not want to respond (I know you don't plan to). See what I mean? He didn't tell you anything.

 

He'll still have your cell #, right? So, he can contact you down the road...as in...calling you.

 

I survived the Mad Texter, believe me, I know how texting can mess with you.

 

Don't do anything. What has he learned, really, in the time you've been apart? He hasn't been ALONE to really work through his issues.

 

If by some chance you see him, tell him good luck. And smile, quietly...

[Cossette4]

Suchislife, yes good point. I definitely don't have all the facts to decide *why* this text is coming through. It could mean they are breaking up, or it could mean they are getting so serious they are moving out of state together (two polar opposite conclusions!)

 

The only thing that *messes* with me is "Call me sometime." WHY would he want that if he were planning on moving with her?

 

But yes, I'm just going to let this one play itself out. I'm not making any contact. If he's serious about talking to me and making amends, he'll try harder than a text. If not, then I'll save myself a lot of grief by not even persuing it.

[daphne]

If by some chance you see him, tell him good luck. And smile, quietly...

 

I really like this. I think, however, in teh case of the douchebag, he merits more of a quiet snicker, full of knowing.

[Cossette4]

Haha thanks Daphne.

 

I've been thinking about this stupid text for the last 3 days straight...so lame, I know.

 

I know the whole thing will work itself out. If it was nothing more than a douchebag comment, then I'll never hear anything else and that will be that. If it's the beginning of regret, then I'm sure he will try to contact me again once he moves.

 

My question is, what if he DOES contact again (by phone, email, etc)? I read so many threads about how breaking contact sets a person back to square one, so a big part of me says I should ignore all future contact.

 

Yet, another part of me can't just easily erase a person I loved for 5 years, and I still see hope that we could possibly be on "good terms" if he were truly sorry. I can see myself talking to him, finding out all the answers I wanted to know, forgiving him, and being at peace with the situation.

 

I go back and forth because half of me feels like I shouldn't waste my time even listening to what he has to say or give him the comfort of forgiveness. But the other half of me doesn't like to carry hate for someone I once loved in my heart for the rest of my life.

 

I know I'm just rambling because at this point, I don't even know what the dumb text means, but I wanted to get some insight because I won't be able to rush to the forum for quick advice if my phone ever does ring one day...

 

A more abstract question to tack onto this: I know a lot of people say that they can never take back their ex after something he/she has done (I am definitely one of those people--I'd NEVER take him back after the pain he put me through and after he's been with a skank). But does the same "rule" apply for friendship with the ex as well? That is, if you are a person who could never take your ex back as your boyfriend/girlfriend, would you ever consider taking them back as a friend in your life? Do a different set of standards apply?

[skper138]

friends don't stab each other in the back. as your boyfriend he was everything including your friend. I know that as for me, i would never take him back as a friend. I know in my heart that if he would come back to me now, i would give him another chance. i would try something or have nothing at all. if the feeling of love is still in your heart then there is no way you could be friends. I think to myself sometimes, what if i see him on the street? i know that this will happen over the summer. I try to practice the way i would act or what i would say but i know that when the time comes it will be a different story. I've learned that so many women out there have been hurt in very similar ways. I know this women at work that has been though the same thing as us and is now more happy then ever with the same guy that hurt and stepped all over her heart. I've learned from my mistakes and i hope that he has as well. If he would come back, i know that a lot of things would change. things will never be the same. i have chnaged a lot in these 3 1/2 months. If you BF ever calls, talk to him. don't act like you have been missing him or that you still love him. say that you are doing great. tell him you have to go before he lets you go. Keep him wanting to talk to you. I have also learned that you have to play the game because if you don't then you will not have any chance whatsoever on winning. Keep us posted.

[Cossette4]

Skper, so are you saying you wouldn't be friends with your ex but you would get in a relationship with him again?

 

I like your advice, but I don't understand what you mean by "winning." I don't want him back...so I guess for me, there's nothing to "win." I'm just wondering if I should even accept him into my life as a friend...

 

You did bring up a really good point about not being able to be friends if there are still feelings there. Sometimes I feel like there aren't feelings there because I KNOW I'd never go back to him, but then other days I think the feelings ARE still there and then just seeing him/speaking to him/being friends with him would be a sucky thing to deal with.

 

Bah.

[Tormented]

A more abstract question to tack onto this: I know a lot of people say that they can never take back their ex after something he/she has done (I am definitely one of those people--I'd NEVER take him back after the pain he put me through and after he's been with a skank). But does the same "rule" apply for friendship with the ex as well? That is, if you are a person who could never take your ex back as your boyfriend/girlfriend, would you ever consider taking them back as a friend in your life? Do a different set of standards apply?

 

 

The resounding answer to that (in my world, anyway), is....NO. Why? Because regardless of the role your ex plays in your life, boyfriend or friend, bear in mind that this is still the SAME person who betrayed you in the worse way a person can betray another. So, why would it be any different on a friendship basis? Why would your trust in him be restored simply because he's your "friend" rather than "lover?" A change in roles does not equal a change in the person's character. Either a person is trustworthy, honorable and decent (in every situation and relationship in their life), or they are not. Our exes have proven that they are NOT. So why would we embrace such a person back into our life - on ANY level?

 

I don't mean to simplify the complexity of this situation...I KNOW how hard it is. My ex (whom I loved with all my soul) completely shattered my heart in a zillion pieces, leaving me in a deep, DEEP pit of depression, anguish and months of unbearable pain. I can't even begin to count the NUMEROUS nights I spent crying myself to sleep, feeling completely alone and unloved. And to make matters worse, a borderline, cheating, child-abusing, drug/alcoholic, unemployed SKANK was chosen over me. I wasn't just shot down with a bullet. I was nuked!

 

However, he continued to make "silent" calls to me, as well as other "ploys" to contact me even when she was living with him. Did it make me feel better? Yes...in the sense that I now knew he realized he made a horrible mistake and found that he DID prefer me over her.

 

Will I forgive him? No. Did his attempt(s) to reconcile with me erase the pain? To a degree, yes...but the bulk of it remains. Because when the chips were down, he betrayed me for his OWN selfish reasons - never once considering what his "choice" would do to me...a woman he claimed to have loved, a woman he CLAIMED he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, a woman he CLAIMED he couldn't live without. A woman he betrayed for a woman he CLAIMED he hated and wanted nothing more to do with.

 

No, this is not a person I could ever befriend.

 

And I know there will be many people who will dispute what I am about to say...but as a rule, going from lovers to friends rarely work. I suppose it can be done provided the breakup was a civil, respectful one....and even then, it could prove to be awkward at best.

 

However, if the breakup was done in a cruel, disrespectful way (as ours was), then shifting into a "friendship" status would be a very hard, if not impossible, task. Regardless of how hard you try to overcome it, it's just not humanly possible to completely purge your heart of the anger caused by their cruel betrayal and the horrible treatment they once subjected you to. That's a hard one to overcome...especially so if you value yourself.

 

But, as I said earlier in this post, that's just MY opinion and MY rules. Guess it just boils down to what we will or won't tolerate from others.

 

~T~

[Cossette4]

T, thanks for the reply.

 

I totally see your point and agree...but I guess I didn't mean "friend" in the sense of a person I'd spend time with, share personal information with, put trust in, etc. I just meant "friend" in a sense that we wouldn't be enemies, we could be civil to one another, and I wouldn't harbor any hate in my heart for him.

 

While I totally concur that the first kind of "friend" would be impossible after the way he betrayed me, I feel like the second kind of "friend" still might be an option in my heart if he should contact me again.

 

I am a very forgiving person and I think I can forgive and walk away on good terms and feel good about that and not have to worry about being betrayed again because I'm not letting this person close to me, I'm merely forgiving and moving on.

 

I think I'd feel at peace with myself for doing that in the long run, rather than harboring this hate for him in my heart. This person was a part of my life for 5 years, which is practically 1/4th of my entire life at this point. I'd want to be able to look at my prom pictures one day and smile knowing that we "revised" the ending of our relationship from the horrible mess it once was.

 

It may be naive, but I think if he came to a place where he was truly sorry and truly wanted to reach out to me and tell me so, I wouldn't deny him that. It's kind of a win-win situation in the end--he gets forgiveness, I get a burden lifted off of me, and yet by not letting him back into my life as a boyfriend or a close friend, I also safeguard myself from getting hurt again by him.

 

I guess we'll see what happens....