Divano Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 First of all, let me say hi to everyone. I'm glad I found this place, as it'll give me an excuse to put my thoughts down in writing (things seem clearer to me when I write them down). I apologize if this is long, but once I start writing, I write. About six months ago I got to know a couple of girls from my class whom I'd ignored up until then. I wish I'd have socialized with them earlier, because today I believe that they're possibly the best two female friends I've ever had, yet it took me two and a half years to actually get to know them (not a question of fear; I just considered that I didn't need to get acquainted with everyone in my class). I know they're special because I 'chose' them over four other older friends whom they didn't get along with (it was the old friends who made me choose -- I guess they weren't such good friends after all). The problem is that, well, the inevitable is happening. If you (or at least I), really like a girl, you might end up wanting more than just friendship. Why not? Why wouldn't you want a closer relationship if you think you've met the perfect girl? Over months, I think my admiration for one of these girls has turned into love. Because for the past thirty days, I've been an emotional wreck. I can't work effectively, and I'm losing a lot of time just thinking about the whole situation. I think of her every single minute. I dream of her every other night. When I'm not near her, I feel lonely; a loneliness not even other friends can fill. When I'm with her, I feel like I'm on top of the world. Nothing else matters. When she leaves, I feel like she takes a part of me with her. This is definitely not a crush, nor is it infatuation. Yes, she is beautiful, athletic, but I know a lot of other stunning girls who I've never cared about like I do for her. She's intelligent, cultured; there's a lot more beyond her looks. Stupid me... she's perfect, so of course she already had a boyfriend. I wondered if it would've been better not to have ever met her if I couldn't have her. At least that way I'd have been spared the pain. But I came to the conclusion that all the pain is worth knowing this wonderful person. She likes me too. Though I'm not sure if it's in the same way. She likes me in the sense that we'd get together if she was single, but maybe not to the point of dropping her current boyfriend for me. Maybe she does, but I don't know. I also don't know if she loves her boyfriend, but they've been together for around a year, I think. I've only seen them together a couple of times, but it was enough to kill me, to the point that I had to leave the room on both occasions. She probably knows I like her, though probably not how much. So I'm left with some dilemmas. Do I keep waiting for God-knows-how-long until they split up, or even if they split up, to make a move? Should I risk hurting myself for that long -- I already know the answer to that (I'd wait forever), but not if it's healthy. Keeping in mind that we'll only be together for a handful of months before we'll both part our own ways, so I could be waiting for nothing (though I'm sure we'll stay in contact through the net). Or do I tell her exactly how I feel, hoping that she'll pick me over her current partner? Though the risk is obviously that I could damage our friendship if she doesn't. Or finally, should I just wait and try my best to build on our friendship until I'll be sure that she'll really want something more? A bit about us... we're in the 18-20 age group, and we're French (oh là là). We sit next to each other in most classes, and close to each other in the rest of them. I'm comfortable with the way I look, and I work out quite a bit. Like I already said, she's gorgeous. I like to think of ourselves as good, open-minded people driven by reason (we take a lot of philosophy classes). I talk to her a lot over the internet in the evenings. Recently she's been trying to help me with my 'depression'; so ironic... What do you do when the only one that can make you stop crying, is the person who made you cry? Of course she doesn't know why I'm depressed. I don't think this is your classic matter of unrequited love, as there's 'uncertainty' over where I stand with her due to her involvement with this other guy, and her uncertainty of how I feel about her. Yes, the love is unrequited here too, but usually in such cases it's because the person is scared of asking the other person out -- here it's because I can't ask her out because she's already involved (or that I could, but it's a risk). If you read all that... bravo, and thanks.
whichwayisup Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 That sucks, but the best thing (I know you don't want to hear this) is to distance yourself emotionally from her, enough that you aren't thinking of her all the time. Who knows what the future holds, I mean, if she has feelings for you too, anything could happen - BUT - Her relationship with the other guy has to end on it's own, not because of you. Start dating other girls, try to close your heart when it comes to her. If you don't, you'll be pining away for someone who is unavailable and that really hurts. You know that already though. How long has she been seeing her boyfriend? Is it serious?
Author Divano Posted April 10, 2007 Author Posted April 10, 2007 How long has she been seeing her boyfriend? Is it serious? Around a year, I think? She gives off different messages sometimes. She does talk about him like she's happy. But then there are things like the time she sent me a photo of him and herself at a fancy dress party. They were disguised as bride and groom, though she said that it was just for fun, because she'd "never want to get married". Maybe it just shows that she's not that committed to him (and she stressed "never"). Ultimately, you're right; I should wait until she breaks up with him, or the other way round. But I won't be able to completely stop thinking about her, because for that I'd have distance myself (which I don't want to do, since she's my best friend). I'll just try to not think about her so much when we're not together, if that's possible.
Dadaal Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 Around a year, I think? She gives off different messages sometimes. She does talk about him like she's happy. But then there are things like the time she sent me a photo of him and herself at a fancy dress party. They were disguised as bride and groom, though she said that it was just for fun, because she'd "never want to get married". Maybe it just shows that she's not that committed to him (and she stressed "never"). Ultimately, you're right; I should wait until she breaks up with him, or the other way round. But I won't be able to completely stop thinking about her, because for that I'd have distance myself (which I don't want to do, since she's my best friend). I'll just try to not think about her so much when we're not together, if that's possible. Why would you waite for undefinite time for them to split up? Does that mean you care less about your heart that beats badly than telling the truth to someone you adore. Remember, she is just dating someone and not married!! I guess you'll be able to sort out the difference between the two. Clear your throat before it is your late... at least tell her your feelings.
Author Divano Posted April 10, 2007 Author Posted April 10, 2007 Because if I tell her and she's not willing to leave her boyfriend, then it could make things awkward for our friendship. Remember that she's my best friend. If it turns out that she's unwilling, I don't know if we'd still be able to do as many things together -- whether for her personal comfort, or my own good (from her point of view). Maybe it wouldn't change anything? But my point is that it could. I figure that if I could get her to see for herself that I could be more than just a friend, the risk would be reduced. I need to 'feel' that she wants this as much as I do. Right now I'm getting mixed signals. And you know that mixed signals and women are a dangerous combination... sometimes it's just you reading too much into things. But you're absolutely right; I'm not going to keep this up for months. I'll try to be more 'on the offensive', without making it too explicit either. In fact, isn't it more special to realize for yourself that someone loves you, rather than being explicitly told? Sort of like an epiphany. If she doesn't realize anything after a while, I'll just flat out tell her. There's middle ground somewhere out there; there's no point in taking a huge risk, but maintaining the status quo is also unacceptable.
whichwayisup Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 IF you tell her how you feel, be prepared for the friendship to end. It could very well come to that, especially if she doesn't 'feel it' for you. I wouldn't say anything...Work on yourself, try to detach emotionally from her and put some distance there too.
Sylph Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 I wouldn't wait, but maintain the friendship and see if you still feel the same when her relationship breaks up, as they usually do. Date other people, have fun and then if the opportunity comes up, see if she's interested. You might consider telling her how you feel, without putting any pressure on her. Just say that you value her and will be with her in any capacity, but that you think that things would really be great if you and her were ever really together. My current boyfriend was a friend for years before we got together and we liked eachother and never said anything about it. I ended up getting married to someone who was really bad to me and he dated a bunch of girls who treated him badly and we never knew happiness was right in front of us. So consider being open about it, I know that it would have made a HUGE difference in my life if I hadn't been so shy.
supernova Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 i am a girl who is in the situation of the girl u r talking about. i was very confused about the guy's feelings for me, he gave me mixed signals, i gave him mixed signals, i didn't leave my boyf, i didn't think i had the right to leave a great guy for a guy who i was just beginning to have feelings for who never loved me enough to tell me...i'm now married to the boyf and since the other guy is best friends with my husband, i have to endure that i still have feelings for him after all this time and can now never act on them. i wish the guy had said something when he was single and i wish i had fully realised the extent of my feelings at the time...if you don't say what's in your heart you will surely regret it, better to have regrets for putting yourself out there than to regret something you haven't done..
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