zoe1983 Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 im so confused and was hoping you guys might be able to help me. I don't really have any friends to talk about this stuff with so it just gets all bottled up and gets worse. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 2 1/2 years. He is a great guy, treats me like a princess. Listens to me, loves me, takes care of me, ect.... Once he finishes school next year and gets a job we plan on getting married. I am 23 by the way and he is 22. The problem is that he recently moved out on his own (after living with family and a family friend) and I don't live with him technically, but spend most of my time over there, which he clearly tells me is what he wants. Mostly its great except for one thing. He allows his friends to come over whenever for however long they want. Sometimes they will knock on the door at 3 am or 6 am and he gets up and hangs out with them. One friend in particular is over atleast four nights a week and in fact I have seen him every night for four days straight now. Whenever they call he tells them he is doing nothing...even if we are about to watch a movie or something. I mean i realize that when u live together its not one big date or anything but i just feel like when he says he is doing nothing that I am nothing too! Its gotten to the point where i love going to the movies just cuz i know his friends wont interrupt us there! I have to get up early for work so I always try to be in bed by 12 at the latest. His friends almost always stay atleast untill two so not only am i already asleep by the time he comes to bed, but most of the time I've been kept awake for a good hour by them being loud in the other room. I love staying with my boyfriend but it seems like whats the point when i barely get to spend any alone time with him. Whenever i try to bring it up he just says that it is his place and he is a grown man and his friends can come over whenever. When i asked him what would happen if we offically moved in together he said that it would be completely different. I don't really get that though, I mean how is he just going to change? Plus the one friend thats over the most is a real assh*le and i have to make an effort to be friendly towards him. Oh and did i mention that mostly they just play video games on the one tv he has so i either have to watch or just go read a book or go to sleep. I know he loves me and he really does try to make me happy, in fact when i got upset about the situation the other day he went out and got me a rose...but then let the guy come over again last night....He feels like he isnt doing anything wrong and that I am just overreacting...and maybe i am? I know sometimes im too clingy. Can two people love each other but not be right for each other? I am so confused....sorry this is so long but id really appreciate some help!
Lauriebell82 Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 this probably isnt what u want to hear, but its not ur apartment. u dont live there, so he does get to have whoever he wants over there. and honestly maybe u should consider not staying there so much. do u have an apartment of our own? or live with ur parents? honestly maybe he is unconciously trying to get u to stay somewhere else a couple times a week, and give him some space. (he probably doesnt have the balls to actually tell u that) my advice (although i'm sure u dont want to do this) is to give him some space. go to ur place, dont spend as much time over there. he might end up missing u and realize he wants u over there more than his friends. the thing about how if u do have plans to watch a movie and he lets his friends over is kind of rude. but guys do like their space, and u have absolutely no say who is over there and when caue u dont live there. so like i said tell him ur going to stay at ur house and see what happens. he may realize he's being a dumbass and be more respectful when ur over there. also, are there any plans for u guys to actually move in together? because honestly if it is his place and not urs, then maybe stay over there some nights and stay at ur house others. i know it sucks, but if u are really intent on staying over there all the time then this is going to happen, and there isnt anything u can do. sorry if i'm sounding a little harsh, but ur honestly going to have to deal with this if u want to be over there all the time.
Author zoe1983 Posted April 9, 2007 Author Posted April 9, 2007 thank you so much for your advice! the thing is whenever i tell him im going to stay at my place he gets all upset and begs me to stay at his. I think you have a good idea though with staying at my place more, i had thought of it before but i guess im just weak and melt when he begs me to stay you now? Also i always ask him to stay at my place but he says no, partly cuz he cant brign his dog but also cuz he knows his friends cant come to my place. as far as us moving in together, we plan on doing it once he gets out of school next year and gets a job so that he is financially stable, right now his parents help him out alot. also i wouldnt mind as much if there was maybe one or two nights a week we could designate as just us nights and the rest of them he could spend with his friends....but he refuses to commit to that, just vaguely says he will spend less time with his friends.
Lauriebell82 Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 thank you so much for your advice! the thing is whenever i tell him im going to stay at my place he gets all upset and begs me to stay at his. I think you have a good idea though with staying at my place more, i had thought of it before but i guess im just weak and melt when he begs me to stay you now? yeah, my boyfriend has done that crap to me too. ignore him and insist. i know its hard to be strong, but maybe when he is begging u try telling urself that he's going to be having his friends over if u stay there and they are going to be over till 2 am, ur not going to get any sleep, they are going to ignore u, ur going to be miserable, ect. keep telling urself this when he says how much he wants u to come over. because when u break down and stay over there, ur just communicating to him that u'll except this type of behavior. be strong, u can do it!!!
Trialbyfire Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 Men can promise you the world but it's actions that matter. If he's serious about wanting you to stay, he'd better deliver the goods. You empower him with non-delivery by continuing to stay with him, without ensuring that he stands by his word. Overall though, this is his place and he has the right to do whatever he wants. Lauriebell82 has some good advice. Either stay away or learn to live with it.
pelagicsands Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 Men can promise you the world but it's actions that matter. I think I could manage a large part of Greenland, but nobody seems to be interested. Whatever.
Trialbyfire Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 I think I could manage a large part of Greenland, but nobody seems to be interested. Whatever. Let me guess, it's the portion that global warming has eroded on. Clever tactic though. You don't have to give up anything.
pelagicsands Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 Let me guess, it's the portion that global warming has eroded on. Clever tactic though. You don't have to give up anything. I guess I'm just a dude with limited resources. It's hard to compete with only a vivid imagination. Maybe I'll try to swap my bit of Greenland for a tropical island. Yeah, a strip of private beach is way sexier.
Trialbyfire Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 I guess I'm just a dude with limited resources. It's hard to compete with only a vivid imagination. Maybe I'll try to swap my bit of Greenland for a tropical island. Yeah, a strip of private beach is way sexier. Y'all need to learn that it's only yourself that you need to sell, not pipe dreams.
Author zoe1983 Posted April 9, 2007 Author Posted April 9, 2007 just one other thing that I might have been confusing about earlier. Its not that I want to tell him not to let his friends come over. I mean I understand its his place. I guess what I am really worried about is if we are too different, even though i know we both love each other very much. I mean obviously he likes to have friends over all the time where as I like my privacy and prefer to hang out one on one. How would we be able to live together if we have such drasticly different views on friends. Hope that makes some sense??
Trialbyfire Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 Much better. Those are your core issues. Time to sit down and talk to him one on one, to discuss the real issues at hand. If you really love each other enough to change, you'll find some middle ground.
stace79 Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 Can two people love each other but not be right for each other? Well, this question in and of itself -- I think yes, it's possible for two people to love each other but not be right for marriage/relationship. I deeply love the guy I'm getting over right now, and he claims to love me, too. But for numerous reasons, we aren't together and we've just been hurting each other, so now we are not seeing/talking to each other anymore. As for the guy's friends, well....his friends aren't going away, and they (or he) likely won't change much, if at all. If you can't handle it now, you probably will continue to be annoyed by it. I read an article recently about things you absolutely cannot change about a guy, and one of them was his friends and their habits. If he always stays up late and plays video games with an obnoxious friend now, he will likely always do that...
arizonangel Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 I can completely understand where you're comming from!! The only difference is my 22 year-old boyfriend's friends think they can call his cell phone any time of day. I go to school so I have to go to bed a little earlier than you do. I'm also the same way I'd rather things be one-on-one, but it never seems to go that way. If we go to the movies his friends ALWAYS have to go, I'm lucky to ever ger any alone time with him when he's NOT playing video games. I'd take some of these other people's advice and spend more time at your own place. Good luck.
Recommended Posts