Emotional24 Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 So we're on a break. I decided this since he didn't know what he wanted. didn't want to be single and says he's still in love with me but isn't sure what he wants because he's tired of arguing. I don't really want the break. I didn't think we argued that often. Usually its because I'm always the one trying to talk to him about things and he never opens up or communicates with me so it frustrates me and makes me feel like I'm wasting my time trying. So wouldn't you think if he's tired of arguing he'd at least realize part of it is because he's not talking things out with me? That maybe if he did that, it'd help us out? But I want to be with him only now I'm scared he doesn't want to be with me anymore. He's been avoiding me but sent me a happy easter message yesterday and ignored all my other texts. I understand we're on a break but with him ignoring me I feel like this is easy for him...that he does want it to be over. But wouldn't he just let me know that instead of dragging it out??? I agreed we needed a break but at the same time I feel like it was stupid because if you aren't sure if you want to be with someone then you shouldn't be with them at all. I just really hate this!!! I just want to know if he wants us to be over or not so I can start healing if he wants nothing to do with me. I'm trying so hard not to ocntact him but I'm failing at it. I went all day sat. not contacting him but as soon as he sent me that message on easter all these questions came to mind and I went ahead and asked if he still wants to take this break...never responded. He did tell me he missed me but that was it. I tried calling him...3 times! So stupid of me and of course he never answered. Now I want to text him that I got the hint, that he wants nothing to do with me but then I'll just feel like an idiot again becaue I really don't know if that's what's going on in his head. Please...I need a males point of view on how guys view these things. We both had the agreement when we took the break that we'd still be together and wouldn't go around with other people and when we both were ready to talk then we'd decide what we would do...so I guess its not really a break but just space from one another...which is pretty much the same thing. I just really hate this...breaks are sooo stupid. But I'd rather go through this than losing him for good...that is if I haven't already!
Nocturnal Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 "Usually its because I'm always the one trying to talk to him about things and he never opens up or communicates with me so it frustrates me and makes me feel like I'm wasting my time trying." You feel you're wasting your time doing what, forcing him to communicate something he obviously doesn't feel the need to talk about? Do you have any examples of what these things may be? Because, and I'm just guessing, maybe you're being a bit too pushy about him needing to open up and talk about things and he's getting tired of constantly having to deal with that because if he doesn't want to open up about whatever it is you want him to open up about, he'll get annoyed and it will turn into an argument and since he says he's tired of arguing, maybe it's happening a bit too often. And if he says your constant arguing is a problem for him, isn't that him communicating an issue in your relationship to you? I don't mean to be argumentative, you know the situation better than I, obviously, just curious if you've really looked at it from his point of view. "We both had the agreement when we took the break that we'd still be together and wouldn't go around with other people and when we both were ready to talk then we'd decide what we would do." That's why he's not responding to your question or calls. He's fulfilling his part of the agreement. While one could argue that he could reply to you and remind of something you obviously already are aware, you seem to know the situation but you don't seem to handle your own agreement very well. If I had an argeement like this, I might have reminded my partner in best possible way about it but I wouldn't return calls or messages either. Becausse if I was on a break, I would want to have the space and thoughts to myself to make up my mind on how I see things.
Guest Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 I just won't contact him then. The communicating would be about all sorts of things. If there was an issue I had he would never even acknowledge I sent him an email wanting to talk to him about it. he would never reply to it. If I talked to him on the phone, he would just sit there. I just felt like I was always the one trying to figure out a way to commnicate so it'd be easier for him but nothing seemed to work. And if we can't communicate how am i to feel like I can have him be there for me? We never did decide how long of a break to take. But if we both agreed we're still together and won't go around with other people...how can we go for an entire month with no contact? we might as well just break up then. It's only been 5 days since we took the break so it's hard for me to adjust not having him there right now. I'm sure if I don't contact him for a few days he'll more than likely pick up the phone...or so I hope. I know if he decides not to stay with me I have to accept that and deal with it. It'll be hard but i'll have no choice. I guess I just wanted a guys point of view on how they view breaks...i know we need it because I was starting to feel resentment towards the relationship and all the frustration building up. But he just makes it seem so easy for him...
Author Emotional24 Posted April 9, 2007 Author Posted April 9, 2007 I just won't contact him then. The communicating would be about all sorts of things. If there was an issue I had he would never even acknowledge I sent him an email wanting to talk to him about it. he would never reply to it. If I talked to him on the phone, he would just sit there. I just felt like I was always the one trying to figure out a way to commnicate so it'd be easier for him but nothing seemed to work. And if we can't communicate how am i to feel like I can have him be there for me? We never did decide how long of a break to take. But if we both agreed we're still together and won't go around with other people...how can we go for an entire month with no contact? we might as well just break up then. It's only been 5 days since we took the break so it's hard for me to adjust not having him there right now. I'm sure if I don't contact him for a few days he'll more than likely pick up the phone...or so I hope. I know if he decides not to stay with me I have to accept that and deal with it. It'll be hard but i'll have no choice. I guess I just wanted a guys point of view on how they view breaks...i know we need it because I was starting to feel resentment towards the relationship and all the frustration building up. But he just makes it seem so easy for him...
mental_traveller Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 Here I think the problem is you initiated a break but now you are "breaking the break" by contacting him all the time. The way he'll see it is why the hell is this crazy woman trying to get in touch constantly when it was *her* idea to take some time apart? It will make no sense to him whatsoever. In addition, to make things worse, you not leaving him alone means he doesn't get the time & space to get over his wounded feelings. Your approaches will feel, emotionally, like you are picking on a scab of his and stopping it from healing. So my advice is very simple - do not contact him at all until he contacts you. And then, only reply in kind i.e. if he sends *one message* at easter, you reply with one message back, similar length, expressing feelings at a similar level. You must not reply with a barrage of calls, texts, emails, displaying major emotions. If he is wanting you back (which I think he is otherwise he wouldn't say he missed you), then he will eventually get back in touch and start talking more. Just follow the level he is at, or encourage a bit more, but only a *bit*, not massively. Once he starts dropping hints about when this break will finish, saying it might be nice to meet etc, then you can open up more. But take it slowly, act like it's the beginning of the relationship again, be extra nice and avoid fights even if you are in the right. Remember you probably bruised his ego since you initiated the break, so being nice is important to making him "forgive" and get over that fact. Then if this goes well, you can suggest getting back together again. But whatever you do, don't pester him or keep trying to make contact when he clearly isn't reciprocating. Most guys find that incredibly annoying and it just makes them lose respect for you. Give him time & space and he'll start missing you and probably come back. Finally, if you do that and *don't* hear from him for a long time, like 3-4 weeks or more, then it's a bit of a bad sign but you can still sometimes salvage it by basically getting in touch and then making a really strong, big play for him. It'll remind him of the good things he was missing and he may be tempted to try again. But this is really a last restort, and it's pretty humiliating if it doesn't work.
mental_traveller Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 But he just makes it seem so easy for him... How do you know it's easy for him? A guy not getting in touch with someone he likes normally only occurs when he's hurting. So his lack of response shows the exact opposite of what you said - it shows he is *not* feeling good about it, that you hurt him by suggesting the break.
Author Emotional24 Posted April 11, 2007 Author Posted April 11, 2007 okay...well I posted this and did this before reading your posts...CRAP!!! But I'm just leaving it at this and going to wait it out. I don't have the urge to contact him now just cuz after reading all these posts I don't want to push him away. But this is what I did today... thanks for the input. I went through yesterday not contacting him as well. I just sent him a text asking him if he'd like to get together this weekend...just to go out and have a good time. So we'll see what he says. I'm just going to wait to see if he replies. Not going to keep nagging him if he wants to or not. i sent what i sent and now its up to him and what he wants to do. I'm still his girlfriend so its not like we're broken up and I'm still trying to keep him around...ya know? I saw one of his guy friends at school yesterday and he knew something was up between us and said my bf mentioned to him we were just laying low right now...giving eachother space but his friend said it didn't sound like he wanted to break up and we'll be okay. he also advised me it wouldn't be stupid to ask if he'd like to get together this weekend just as long as I don't bring up the whole break situation...so I didn't and I won't. If he doesn't contact me by then or he says no, I'll just tell him "That's ok. If i don't hear from you, have a good weekend." I'll just leave it at that. So I'll just have to see how this all plays out. i wanted to wait until thurs...even friday to ask him to get together but his friend said it'd be better to do it today...maybe thurs cuz I don't want to look desperate. But either way, if we don't end up getting together I have other plans I can make so I think I'll be okay either way : )
Recommended Posts