How can it work?

[CastorTroy]

Making a long story short. Im a MM and was unfaithful and admitted my guilt to my wife. Without getting into details on what happened and this being the kicker is we have a 8 month old son

We have handeld my affair like two mature adults and we are trying to come up with best possible solution where our son comes first. So far we have decided on the following

 

1. we are going to live under the same roof and share the parental, emotional and finacial responsibilites of raising our son to the best of our abilities.

 

2. we havent gotten this far yet

 

There has to be more to this equation

 

Please save the your an ahole for being unfaitful lectures because I have already heard them and dont really care for your opinion

I am only interested in how couples who have children stay together for the sake of the children

 

thanks

[yousaveme]

Question:

 

Are you going to continue your relationship with the OW?

[Hard2Think]

The question is, do you love your wife and do you want to get back to a real relationship with her?

 

If so, you've set the bar of achievement a bit low. It's maybe a good thing that the agreement you've come to allows for you both to stay in the same home - but I'd see that as an opportunity to work on things.

 

But like someone already asked, are you done with the OW? Would you fix things with your W if you thought it was possible?

[NoIDidn't]

Troy

 

You've not given much info to give any advice on. How long ago did you confess? Was it a confession or did she find out on her own and you told the truth? How long was the A? Is the A over?

 

Without any of that, no one can give you anything objective.

 

I will say though, that staying for the children is never a good idea. People will tell you that, but the children suffer the most in these arrangements when Mom and Dad only hang in there for them. They end up feeling blamed for everyone else's unhappiness with their circumstances.

 

If you want what is best for your son, then work on your M wholeheartedly. Anything else is only what's most convenient for your own view of yourself.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I'm not sure at all what you mean by staying for the kids. There are a few ways this can go.

 

You continue to see OW and pretend to your wife and friends and family that you are living in a "real marriage". This options is more difficult that you will ever imagine on you, your wife and your friends and family because EVERYONE involved is playing along in this farce. It also teaches your children not about love or marriage but about lying and deceiving and that perception is more important than reality. As you both pretend that everything is hunky dory, emotions get in the way, and one or both of you on any given day accidentally starts to believe the lie for just a minute or two then reality sets in and you start a vicious cycle.

 

Another option is the open marriage. You simply reside together for the kids and both have interests outside of your marriage. Well, the problem is that it is not fair to those interests. Lets say one or both of you is in "love" with someone else. Are you not going to want to be with that person? If you love this OP how would you expect them to live like that? Again, THIS is what your children learn about love and marriage.

 

Noone wins in either of these situations. It will be hell on one or both of you and that is not what life and love are about. Can it be done? SURE! People do it all the time. Is it healthy, NO. Not for ANYONE INVOLVED. And just wait until the specifics come into play.

[smartgirl]

I have the same questions as other posters. Bottom line to making it work is what is your goal? Do you want to stay in the marriage and make it up to your wife? But maybe right now she doesn't feel ready to do that?

 

If so, get thee to counseling immediately. Even before that, get the book "After the Affair" by Janet Springs-Abrams (not totally sure on the author's spelling). The book will help you both.

 

I found out a year ago about my H's yearlong affair. We have been together for over 30 years, since we were 15. So getting over this has been been hard. We are both determined to make it through this, but even so it is painful. He is racked with shame and guilt and I am racked with insecurity and hurt. But we just keep moving forward and for the most part, each day is better than the one before. But we know where we want to go, so it helps us decide what kinds of actions we need to take.

 

It seems like you are talking about treading water with no particular goal of reconciliation. Please let us all know what you hope for and what you think your wife wants out of this.

[whichwayisup]

First off - YOU need to make it perfectly clear to the OW that it's over and she is never to see/talk to you again, ever. AND, you must never see/talk to her again, ever.

 

Second, you and your wife need to talk about WHY you allowed yourself to fall into the arms of another woman. You both need to own up to mistakes that were there prior to you choosing to have an affair. Your affair is not your wife's fault - That was your choice to do....Together, if it is what you really want, you can fix the marriage. GO to marriage counselling and learn to communicate, understand eachother and really 'hear' what the other person is saying.

 

You owe it to your child to give it your best. IF things cannot be worked out, then be fair and end it, but always put your child first. No matter what.

[serial muse]

Castor, I don't think it can work.

 

I thought you sounded familiar so I reread your older threads. I remember you now. I remember how people were telling you to leave your marriage then - a year ago or so - because you obviously didn't love your wife, were pursuing other women actively and passively both and had basically resolved not to be emotionally committed to a woman because your first wife left you. And then I guess you went ahead and had an affair anyway.

 

I take it you decided to stay with your wife because it turned out she was pregnant? Ugh. Clearly, you have no intention of trying to have a real relationship with the poor woman. Instead of taking our advice way back when and either splitting up or at least thinking about how to make your marriage more exciting and right for you, you cheated on her. And you clearly don't love her any more than you did before, or have any more real intention of working on the marriage than you did in the past. Instead, you want to stay together "for the sake of the child," which is such an incredibly BAD idea unless you're also willing to work on your relationship with your wife. Which you aren't. Ugh ugh ugh.

 

I don't even know what to say. Why are you still in this marriage??? This whole thing just makes me sad. You didn't listen then and you've obviously made up your mind now. So what else is there to say?

 

Good luck I guess. Sigh.

[LucreziaBorgia]

we are going to live under the same roof and share the parental, emotional and finacial responsibilites of raising our son to the best of our abilities.

 

This is only going to get you so far. I can understand why you would want to stay though. No one wants to demote themselves down to a part time parent.

 

However...

 

Eventually you'll reach a point where you realize that it is possible to give your child a good upbringing without sharing a household with someone you don't really want to be married to. I expect that as you and she continue on your path of emotional divorce, one or both of you will meet someone that you do want to be with and you'll find that in order to move forward with your lives, it will have to be done from separate households. You will not be able to 'date' and continue to live with your wife - you will either have to give up 'dating' entirely, or consider moving out into your own place if you want to have that sort of interaction with someone else.

 

I guess what it depends on really is whether you are willing to sacrifice your adult life (love, passion, sex, etc) to live with and parent with someone you don't have those feelings for.

 

Do you still have those feelings for your wife? If not, are you open to the possibility of finding that happiness with someone else and moving on with your life in that aspect?

[Herzen]

Eventually you'll reach a point where you realize that it is possible to give your child a good upbringing without sharing a household with someone you don't really want to be married to.

 

That's the bottom line. If you remain in a roommate marriage for the children you're fooling no one but yourself. Especially when the kids get older, it's preferable to have a split household than continue to fake it in a dead marriage.

 

I've been separated for almost 3 years, and I live about .4 mile from my teen aged kids who are always over watching TV, playing games with their friends or just hanging with dad. Life goes on: I remain a good father and no longer feel compelled to live the lie of being a good husband.

 

The choice is yours.

[CastorTroy]

I would like to thank everyone for their comments and suggestions.

 

Wife and I are seeking counceling. We flip flop back and forth about what we are going to do. To shed some light since i made the original post, It has been determined that I am an alcholic. Not the skid row kind but a highly functioning, weekend warrior type. For this i have started AA and doing 90 meeting in 90 days.

As for other women, I will admit that we still contact each other. Im sure there will be some backlash but at this point i dont care. Im just trying to get by my own issues before taking care of anyone elses.

 

Thank you for all of you wonderful comments and concerns

[Art_Critic]

For this i have started AA and doing 90 meeting in 90 days.

 

Make sure you do all the 90 meetings in 90 days.. Also ask for a sponsor to help you thru the first 90 meetings..

 

Keep going to the counselor and stop.. that's it stop all contact with the OW.. You can't fix your marriage if that obstacle is still in the way.

It isn't fair to your wife to continue the contact with the OW..

[Chrome Barracuda]

boo f-ing hoo you dont want to hear any of our lectures. tough!!!

 

First of all your guilt is overwhelming and you want answers. Be a man and accept you f-ed up. You sounded like a selfish child who doesnt like being chastised. If you leave your marriage your going to walk out on something that could have been avoided. Trust me most wives kick their husbands out of the house for cheating did she do that to you? no...

 

Imagine what's it like for your son to lose all his respect for you, knowinging the person that is to show him how to be a rolemodel of manilhood couldnt even live up to the expectations of being his father.

 

I want to leave because the guilt is unbearable. wahhhhhh waahhh!! give me a got damn break. I'm sorry but it sounds to me like you want a start over with something or someone new.

 

Let me tell you a story about my father, when I was 16 I was introduced to my half sister that I never knew about. My image of us as a family was broken. She was 18 at the time. So for all my thoughts and knowledge I wasnt the oldest child anymore. while in the navy my pops had an affair and knocked up some woman leaving the woman on her own. I lost all respect for him,little that I had left.

 

Do you want your son resenting you so brutally that he will erase you from his life. wont return your calls. doesnt accept any presents you give to him. doesnt even want to hear from you on his birthday?

 

Let me tell you something people have survived worse things than affairs. You should stay in your marriage and work at it. Because if you leave and then realize that you love your wife after the fact, dont cry about it.

 

Please stuff like that makes me sick. Cheaters make me sick. uggghhh. lol.

[me_me]

Question:

 

Are you going to continue your relationship with the OW?

 

 

hi there!! i don't know if i am in the same path of you but similar anyway!! i think....i started to have an affair with my business partner a while ago i have married with 3 beautiful kids yes we have up and down ,my MM has 1 kid of his own..we started from a very good friend and fell for each other but before i knew it it become emotional for both me and him ...i try to end it before him so many times but unsuccessful and one day he said he had a wake up call and we ended it < very pretty> and try to get on with our lifes..cause of work we had to see each other everyday <as much as we try to avoid each other> one day we met up for a talk and its end up getting back together again ..this time its even hurt more MILLION times more...as i fell so deep suddenly he pulled himself up again and ended it!!!! i am so gobsmack this time and so confused ...this MM is so confused and playing with my mind...we still talking now and try to avoid intimidate...now i try to rebuild my married and focus on my kids..but it's so hard...

sex with H is impossible and i fell really sorry for him and its never go away..i'm so confused should i pullout of the partnership and concentrate on my family? i don't know...?????

[FireandIce]

Does your wife know that you are still in contact with the OW? Sorry but until you are totally honest with her about everything then you won't be able to make this situation work.

[Ruby Tuesday]

It's impossible to stay in the same house with an ass*hole, even for the sake of the kids.

 

As you can probably already tell, it's not working out very well is it?

 

I cant imagine why you would put all these people, including your wife and child through this amount of stress to keep the pretenses of a happy family that is obviously not a happy one at all.

 

I imagine that it is more for your (financial) benefit than for the child's development and growth as a human being, and to keep from committing to either the OW or the BW. Feel me?

 

Your affair will eventually erode the family values you seek to instill in your child by staying in that household together with your BW and still keeping you AP on the side. In the end, you will do more damage than good.

 

I agree with Chrome Barracuda that your child will one day grow up and have his own feelings about the situation. Kids know alot more than you think they do and will only look at you as a selfish ass*hole.

[mopar crazy]

It's not going to work out very well if you are still seeing the OW. If you are only staying b/c of the children, that is the wrong reason! Sometimes children from broken homes do better in life than ones from parents who stay together, especially if one is cheating and an alcoholic.

 

If you want your M to work, stop seeing the OW. I would of never reconciled my M w/ H if he was still seeing the OW no matter how much he begged me to take him back. And believe me, he begged, but he ended it w/ her too.