whatever2 Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 Hi, I am new here. I am posting for the first time out of frustration and incredible lonliness. Easter weekend was such a downer, making me eager to come back to work where things are not necessarily better but at least I know what accomplishments are validated and what the expectations are. I emphasize validation because I don't seem to be getting any anywhere else. Maybe I am being too sensitive, and it's likely I'm just plain depressed, too. Lately my husband seems to be getting everything he wants with little consideration for my feelings. The cliche seems to fit, from my point of view: it's all about him. I asked him to help me dust over four weeks ago, and finally did it myself last night. Ditto for everything else. He cannot rinse a bowl or get up to get himself a drink. I wanted to pay someone to edge our lawn (I mow our lawn but the edging and weeding tools are too heavy for me); instead he bought an edger with the idea he'd do it himself to save money. There was talk of this decision being final, which I consider a load of you-know-what since I was not brought up to have any decisions "finalized" for me, esp. in a so-called equal marriage--and it didn't seem to be like this three or four years ago (married 6.5 years). His concession is that I get to pick what movie we go to see on a Saturday every now and again. So these are the conditions I'm chafing against and beginning to develop resentment about when the weekend hit. Not to mention that I haven't slept well in four months, and we don't have any kids or other reasons for this. I.e., I am at my wits' end and everything is just about the last straw. So last night after a weekend of laundry, dusting, spending time with his family for Easter, and making beds, he gets into bed and dumps beard trimmings all over the newly washed sheets and then laughs about it when I get angry. His expectation is not only that I will not be angry, but be accommodating in other ways. Well, I put on quite a scene, if for no other reason than to let him know it was important that he just HEAR me about having put in hard work all weekend for naught. Was it over the top? Probably, but not by far. He returns with, "I'm starting not to like you anymore." Half of me felt like, yeah, so now you know how I feel, and half of me felt like it was just a really hurtful thing to say to me. I don't want to be divorced, I don't want to have this tension. I just don't have any friends to speak of, can't come into work telling people I have had a huge fight with my husband. I feel incredibly lonely and over burdened. Any advice?
JustSomeGirl Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 I know how you feel about not having anyone to talk to. I've been married for 5 years myself and I don't have any friends or family nearby to speak to when things are not going smoothly. I would suggest a pen pal, sometimes just being able to vent about these things helps a ton. The right methods of bringing these problems to his attention will also make a huge difference. If you hold it in until you explode over 1 tiny thing (to him it seems like 1 tiny thing) then it really does seem to him that you are being uptight (IE: "no fun"). I don't have the answer to getting him to help out more. I have the same problem myself. He will say "Sure, I'll do it right after this" and sure enough a week later its not done. I don't really care so much that the work isn't done, what gets me is that I just feel ignored. I would be concerned that he would say something so... vile. But I don't think he meant it to be so harsh - Put yourself in his position at that moment. He didn't understand and so it really just seemed like you were being crazy over something silly. If you figure out a better way to avoid these problems, let me know!
SydneyHeart Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 Oh I thought this was my post for a second! I feel ya, sista! Someone posted in response to mine with a link to this article - wow, made me feel VALIDATED in what I had been telling my hubby I wanted from him. Maybe you will get something from it also. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8111_leave.html If the link doesn't work - its the article "Why Women Leave Men" on marriagebuilders.com There's other good stuff on that site too. I also feel completely isolated. My family and close friends are all FAR away and I haven not been able to build and satisfying frienships where I am now. Thats a whole other story... Anyway, my short answer for you is that he HAS to both know and CARE about how you feel. There has to be the opportunity to discuss and share feelings, and you both need to feel listened too and like your feelings are valid. If he wants you to be happy, he needs to get on board with that. If he doesn't care if you are happy or miserable, then he needs to be on his own. I could use a chat buddy too
sunshinegirl Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 This sounds like something that marriage counseling could help with... In terms of solutions, you might consider getting a housekeeper or some other kind of help around the house/yard weekly/bi-weekly/monthly. It might be pricey but it may well be worth the cost if it means it could really improve your marriage!!!
boshemia Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 "Boundaries preserve the freedom of one’s spouse without at the same time enabling the irresponsibility of that spouse." Sounds like you need to do some work on yourself, ack! Yes, I did say work on you, not him. We haven't been given the powers to change others, only ourselves. However changes you make can effect him, and even bring out some needed changes. I could recommend dozens of books, but the two most important in my life changes have been "Boundaries in Marriage" Cloud and Townsend and "Divorcebusters" by Michelle Weiner Davis. Both books helped me see what I was responsible for and what HE was responsible for. They helped me understand that I can't keep taking responsibility for him while expecting him to eventually take responsibility for himself. It's frustrating, but it can be changed...
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