Need male input...

[Emotional24]

So we're on a break. I decided this since he didn't know what he wanted. didn't want to be single and says he's still in love with me but isn't sure what he wants because he's tired of arguing. I don't really want the break. I didn't think we argued that often. Usually its because I'm always the one trying to talk to him about things and he never opens up or communicates with me so it frustrates me and makes me feel like I'm wasting my time trying. So wouldn't you think if he's tired of arguing he'd at least realize part of it is because he's not talking things out with me? That maybe if he did that, it'd help us out?

 

But I want to be with him only now I'm scared he doesn't want to be with me anymore. He's been avoiding me but sent me a happy easter message yesterday and ignored all my other texts. I understand we're on a break but with him ignoring me I feel like this is easy for him...that he does want it to be over. But wouldn't he just let me know that instead of dragging it out??? I agreed we needed a break but at the same time I feel like it was stupid because if you aren't sure if you want to be with someone then you shouldn't be with them at all.

 

I just really hate this!!! I just want to know if he wants us to be over or not so I can start healing if he wants nothing to do with me. I'm trying so hard not to ocntact him but I'm failing at it. I went all day sat. not contacting him but as soon as he sent me that message on easter all these questions came to mind and I went ahead and asked if he still wants to take this break...never responded. He did tell me he missed me but that was it. I tried calling him...3 times! So stupid of me and of course he never answered. Now I want to text him that I got the hint, that he wants nothing to do with me but then I'll just feel like an idiot again becaue I really don't know if that's what's going on in his head. Please...I need a males point of view on how guys view these things. We both had the agreement when we took the break that we'd still be together and wouldn't go around with other people and when we both were ready to talk then we'd decide what we would do...so I guess its not really a break but just space from one another...which is pretty much the same thing. I just really hate this...breaks are sooo stupid. But I'd rather go through this than losing him for good...that is if I haven't already!

[MattNZ]

I'm going through the same thing - but it's my girlfriend in your guys shoes.

 

It's a tough one!

 

I'm trying to give my partner space at the moment so she can figure out in her head what she really wants. It's a fine line to tread though as you don't want to force the issue but at the same time you want to know what is going on for your own benefit so you can start to move on or devote the time and attention to the relationship.

 

Have you asked if he wants to meet up for a coffee or anything? Perhaps if you were to spend time together but not force the issue or discuss the past/future and just enjoy the time together - he may see why he fell for you in the first place?

 

Not sure if I'm helping - but reading other peoples situations and contributing certainly helps me to cope with mine (hope that doesn't sound selfish?)

[Emotional24]

Well I went all day today not contacting him! I'm shooting for the whole week...hoping he'll call me though before the end of the week. I figure maybe he'll notice I haven't been making any contact and start to worry as well. I was thinking of maybe asking him to get together on friday but I'm afraid if I ask he still won't respond. I know he still loves me. This is our second time dating...a total of about 3 years. We've gone through so much together and I as a person have learned and have grown so much throughout this past year that I just hate the thought of us giving up now. We have a lot of physical attraction towards eachother too so we are great in that whole area if you catch my drift. It's the communication that was killing us and I'm now realizing some things on my part that need some adjusting as well. I'm the kind who needs to talk about everything right away...while he is the kind who doesn't really express himself or the way he feels and prefers to ignore me until the tension has past and never talks about it. It drives me nuts cuz then I don't feel like anything is resolved. He never has a problem telling me he loves me...he does...or did on a daily basis. But now looking back the things that I thought were issues don't matter to me as much as if I lose him. I guess in a way, I took him for granted and should of just been happy with the time we got to spend together and not make such a fuss about the future and how it worried me. i should of just took the relationship day by day and let it happen. But I may be too late.

 

But I'm just going to take it day by day. I have a long and busy week to keep my mind off of things and I'm just going to hope he contacts me at some point. Do you think I should even ask him to get together for some ice cream or something if he doesn't contact me at all during the week? Or should I just forget it and try to get through another weekend without him?

[MattNZ]

Well I just asked my older brother (5 long term live in girlfriends so he is more experienced than me!) if I should contact Kathryn if she doesn't get in touch and he went mad at me and told me not to be so stupid!!!!

 

I'm useless because I've been crap at NC up until now and I know how hard it is for you. Hopefully, more peeps will chip in and advise, but I imagine they will all suggest leaving it longer. A week isn't all that long when you have had 3 years together. We have been together for 2 years and I was told a week wasn't enough to gain clearer thoughts (even though you and I know what we want!)

[Emotional24]

well i guess i should just wait for him to make the next move. he'll have to contact me eventually...right? If a couple is on a break for longer than a few weeks they should just break up!!! At least that's how I view it. I mean if we've been together for about 3 years it shouldn't take him a long time to come to a decision if this is something he still wants to follow through on. If he's not sure then he shouldn't be with me therefore it shouldn't take him long to realize that anyways. I'm on day 2 of going for NC...so hopefully i'll make it. I think I will. Then tomorrow will be a new day! Taking it day by day is my focus right now. And I figure if he never calls me to talk this out and to let me know what he's thinking well then I don't deserve to be with someone who can't give me the consideration of letting me know anyways. But I really don't believe he'd do that : ) But I'll just have to wait it out and hope for the best! Any more tips or advice from anyone would be great too!!!

[MattNZ]

Hey,

 

Taking it a day at a time is the best way. As hard as it is, and even as I type I am resiting like hell the temptation to text or pop down town to see her, it is the best way to tackle it. One step at a time. It feels like an eternity too. We last spoke Monday lunchtime and it is now only Wednesday morning but it feels like weeks!

 

If you read around other posts (I'm an idiot, he's an idiot for example) most people agree that the more you force it the more it doesn't do any good......and that is the hardest thing. Convincing yourself against all your desires and wants that keeping your distance is the way to do it.

 

I do however, bare in mind what Trial by fire said in one post and that was that some people get burnt by the NC thing!

 

Sometimes life isn't fair but I guess it's a choice between staying away and having a chance, or trying to get in touc and possibly ruining any chance?

[MattNZ]

Well I've just randomly bumped into her down town while visiting a supplier from work! Went well to be honest! No pushing issues or i miss you or anything. Just played it 'cool' and said what I had been up to (gym and playing soccer....2 things I didn't do when we lived together).

 

We might be meeting for a drink tomorrow as I see my counsellor on thursday afternoons. Again - if we do meet, there will be no forcing of issues whatsoever....learnt my lesson!

 

I hope you are coping with the no contact still! Have you read the book 'Feel the fear and do it anyway!'? A friend at work lent it to me and I've started reading it. Pretty common sense stuff, but it explains that the pain you are feeling now is through lack of action. The further out of your comfort zone you push yourself, the larger your comfort zone becomes. It tells you how to go about converting 'pain' in to 'power'. You're doing the right thing by keeping yourself busy. Perhaps try some new things?

 

It is so easy to sit at home and wallow in self pity - a lot harder to actually do something about it - but the rewards are so much greater!

 

I'm waffling now but I thoroughly recommend the book.

[Emotional24]

thanks for the input. I went through yesterday not contacting him as well. I just sent him a text asking him if he'd like to get together this weekend...just to go out and have a good time. So we'll see what he says. I'm just going to wait to see if he replies. Not going to keep nagging him if he wants to or not. i sent what i sent and now its up to him and what he wants to do. I'm still his girlfriend so its not like we're broken up and I'm still trying to keep him around...ya know? I saw one of his guy friends at school yesterday and he knew something was up between us and said my bf mentioned to him we were just laying low right now...giving eachother space but his friend said it didn't sound like he wanted to break up and we'll be okay. he also advised me it wouldn't be stupid to ask if he'd like to get together just as long as I don't bring up the whole break situation...so I didn't and I won't.

 

If he doesn't contact me by then or he says no, I'll just tell him that's ok. And if i don't hear from him to have a good weekend. 'll just leave it at that. So I'll just have to see how this all plays out. i wanted to wait until thurs...even friday to ask him to get together but his friend said it'd be better to do it today...maybe thurs cuz I don't want to look desperate. But either way, if we don't end up getting together I have other plans I can make so I think I'll be okay either way : )

[MattNZ]

Sounds like you're growing stronger and learning to deal with the situation in a positive way! That takes a lot and 'big ups' to you for doing that!

 

Just had my counselling (for other issues but we covered the current situation). She agreed that it is very tough what you and me are going through and keeping busy and forcing yourself to do stuff, although tough, is the way to go about it as it slowly becomes habit. Also, by not forcing issues shows our partner that we are supporting them and allowing them the space they desire.

 

I do think that your situation is a lot more positive than mine though because you said his mate said he doesn't think he wants to break up. I spoke with my girlfriends mate today and she said she is still v confused as it hasn't been all that long yet. If she doesn't get in touch to meet for a beer/coffee tonight I was advised not to persue it (the old push pull analogy)...as much as that hurts because we would always meet after my sessions when things were 'rosey'. If I don't hear from her I'm going to go to the gym and have a major workout to try and reduce the sense of hurt/anger.

 

Good luck and keep me posted!

[Emotional24]

So no word from him yet. I didn't contact him at all yesterday(except for that text) and I don't plan on contacting him today or tomorrow or at all for that matter. I feel like I've gone out of my way more than necessary and with him avoiding me I don't see the point. I'll just feel like an idiot all over again. he can make the effort now. If it ends up being 2 more weeks without a word from him I'm going to have to assume the worse. but I have a feeling he'll contact me eventually. And although its hard for me to not really have him in my life right now I know that we need this. Kinda like a fresh start in a way : ) Hopefully I'll get it! Just looking ahead I feel like one more week of this would be enough. I know that'd only be a little over 2 weeks but I feel like that's all I need to get some clarity on things. I know we'll still argue...every couple does throughout a relationship and we'll still have our minor issues but I feel this "scare" made me open my eyes to the little things that bothered me don't matter as much now.

 

Although our communication will still need some adjusting I now realize that it wasn't always needed. There were times where he didn't even know why we were arguing, that he thought everything was fine but then there were times where it wasn't fine for me so I'd try and talk to him about it. I just want someone who will listen, reassure me in a way by telling me I have nothing to worry about, or it'll all be okay, we'll get through it instead of just sitting there saying nothing or never replying to an email. With him reacting that way it makes me feel like he doesn't care or what I'm saying to him is true. But this will be something I bring up to him if we continue with the relationship. So I will definitely keep you posted!!!

 

And MATTNZ...it will get easier. Just like everyone says, keep yourself occupied and focused on yourself. If she's still confused the last thing you'll want to do is pressure her, giving an end result not in your favor. It's easier to give advice than to take your own but I'm sure you know what you need to do. hang in there!!

[MattNZ]

Hey Emotional24,

 

You're doing well with your attitude to it all. It sounds like you are learning to cope with the space in a mature way. I would've thought, however, that he might have at least acknowledged your limited contact.

 

I agree with you when you say the space has opened your eyes. The space has helped me realise that the relationship we had before she moved out wasn't healthy because we were too involved in each other and didn't do enough things independantly.

 

We met for a drink last night and unfortunately called it quits and are going to see how it goes. I thought I would be gutted but I am relieved at some sort of outcome and I can now concentrate on getting myself into a 'good space'. I still hold out hope for us but I guess that is up to her to initiate. I still get upset when I think of her with other people but I guess that is just natural after a long time together (especially when I endured her depression and mood swings for 9 months).

 

I hope that your guy gets in touch soon and you are able to work together and move forward! Again, keep me posted.

[Emotional24]

So we talked it all out over the weekend...and we're still going to be together. we're done with the break. Phew!! But I got to say a lot of what I wanted and he did as well and we both have come to some understanding regarding how we each feel. It was a great talk...so I'm very happy to say I think we'll be okay. For myself, I feel like I got what I needed to let things go from the past and in a way start over emotionally. I mean...of course they'll be times where we'll still argue but we both agreed we have to find a way to overcome & deal with it better. So as far as I know we'll be just fine : ) Just thought I'd give you the update.

[MattNZ]

Great news! Very pleased for you. I guess in some instances, taking a break does work and clears thoughts. I hope that you guys can use what you have learnt (or even discovered) and grow the relationship.

 

I am coping more with my situation. She called yesterday asking to pop round but I said I was going to the gym then having beers with friends but could do tomorrow. Felt guilty because I really wanted to see her but I guess it sends the message that I'm not dropping everything everytime she wants to meet up. She has some issues re: her ex that I know about (she doesn't know that I know) and I really want to talk and comfort her about them because I think she feels she cannot talk to me about them.

 

Good luck to you!

[JCB]

I had the same problem with my ex, although both of us felt we weren't getting on as well as we should. We had several breaks, they didn't really do much good.

 

As hard as it is, ask yourself can you see yourself with him in twenty years time? Does he make you happy? And do you make him happy?

 

If you answer no to any of those, think about whether it's time to just move on.

[Emotional24]

I can see myself with him the rest of my life...we have a lot of history. I knew this before, during, and now after the break. I am happy with him...of course there are times where we may be having problems and I may think otherwise but we've always gotten through them. At the same time, I know if we don't end up working out in the long run I'll be okay. I've become stronger as a person where I know I am okay on my own. As far as whether or not I make him happy, he's a big boy so he can speak for himself. I would like to think he would let me know if I wasn't making him happy. he has mentioned he wasn't happy in life but it had nothing to do with me. He means more with school and the way it all ended up...I feel the same way about me as well. I have some regrets about school cuz then I'd be done by now! I'd say the only problem we have that we need to improve on is the communication. I'm going to try hard to understand where he's coming from and adapt my ways to how he can handle it best and I think he will with me too or at least try. So we shall see. We make such a great team otherwise. We have so much in common and always have fun together...no matter what. We're always making eachother laugh. We've always had great chemistry and have these cute little things we do too. okay...now I'm just rambling...sorry!

 

As for you MattNZ...keep staying strong! I'm glad you didn't drop everything to see her when she asked to see you. Who knows? Maybe someone else will come along and make you realize why it didn't work out with her...and it will happen! Just keep staying busy with friends, work, going to the gym : ) And keep me up to date with your progress too!

[MattNZ]

Hey E24,

 

We met up last night. She came round to watch 'House and Boston Legal' (great shows!!!) with a bottle of wine. We flirted like crazy - was the best it has been for a while. Didn't push it though, just went with the flow. I ended up driving her back to hers. She said I don't give myself credit for how I am handling it and getting stronger. She also said that as a person rediscovering myself, I am a hell of a lot better to be around than I was 3 months ago. We're still taking it slowly. She is still very confused but she did say she hopes we can work through this. I also dropped a bombshell by thanking her for putting me through this because I am growing all the time - that produced the water works from her but I stayed positive and reassured her. Funny how things turn around sometimes!

 

The main thing is that as you say, looking after myself and feeling a lot better for it......if a little aching from the gym!!!!

 

I hope you guys continue to work through it. I guess for relationships to work, some compromises are required in some areas and you have noted that from the communication side of things. If relationships were easy, then none of us would be on this site eh!

[Emotional24]

so I found out from a reliable source that he's still not sure what he wants, that he said we're back together...for now! So i told him we need to break up. I wasn't going to be with someone who doesn't know if they want to be with me. he says no to that, making me more confused. But knowing what I know i can't stay with him...can I? I deleted my myspace account too cuz I was too chicken **** to delete him and change my status to single. I tried calling him last night when this all happened and he avoided my calls. so haven't talked to him about any of this. I'm just so angry because when we talked about everything I said he needs to be sure cuz I don't want him saying he's unsure a month from now and he told me he wouldn't. only he's still unsure. what the hell is going on??? I don't know what i did to make him so unsure all of the sudden. i can't wait to see how he reacts when he sees I deleted my account and I'm not contacting him. And i figure if i let him think we broke up he'll sweat it out and try not to lose me and if he doesn't even care we break up well then i know i shouldn't be with him anyways. Did I do the right thing? Oh...and I also found out that his buddy was telling him about these hot girls that could be where we were suppose to be going on vacation to visit this buddy(only I'm most likely not going now) and my bf told his buddy that this info would of been nice to know a week ago and that there's still time to ditch me! I know it may have just been guy talk but that just shows how much he doesn't respect me! I need to be done with this, right? Why should I even be with a guy who can't make up his mind about me in the first place? We've been together for a year and a half now...about 3 years total...and he's now not sure how he feels???

[Chrome Barracuda]

Dont sweat it keep going out, getting a life. Be busy ignore your memories about the dreams swirling in your head. It goes away after a while. Matter of fact once your in a better place go and date again. Dont do your ex any favors.