Give notice of NC?

[stace79]

I remember reading that many people think no notice of NC is necessary in a breakup, but here is my situation....thoughts please?

 

My ex is "trying to figure things out" with his ex. He begs me all the time not to stop talking to him, and says our connection is too good to abandon our friendship. He has been telling me up until now how he loves me and values me and never wants a life without me in it. I have fought this and gone back and forth numerous times. Most recently we talked Saturday, I sent him a text to say happy easter and to wish his family well from me. He then called me yesterday and we had what was actually a really good conversation for about an hour.

 

Today, I am feeling like NC is the only way to go again. He always throws out these tiny tidbits that make me think getting back together is a possibility. He told me yesterday he was perturbed the ex hadn't called or texted yet on Easter. Apparently when he talked to her about exploring what they were "supposed to be" again, she said she didn't know how she felt about that. He tells me it won't be more than six months....he says he isn't necessarily trying to get her back, just wants to know what's supposed to be before he can close that door completely and give me 100% of himself. (Sick, yes I know.) Always says how if he and his ex don't want to work things out, that he would fight like hell to win me back and earn my trust again, etc. etc.

 

Anyway, he told me this weekend that he is going to go out of his way to show me how valuable I am and that he wants a friendship with me. In some ways, I want that, but I know it's probably me just wanting to feel like we have a chance or something.

 

I was thinking I should just e-mail him today, tell him I realize this isn't going to work, that I do love him and cherish our connection but that I can't have contact with him anymore. I sort of want to say that I don't want him to call me unless things are resolved with is ex for good, and that if I call him in the future, that means I'm no longer in love with him.

 

I just know if I don't tell him what I'm doing, he'll keep calling, texting, and he even once said he would eventually come to my apartment or work if I don't tell him that I don't want contact anymore. And when he does call or I do see him, it's impossible to move on and let him go. What do ya think?

[oppath]

I see nothing wrong with telling him that when he went back to his ex, he lost the right to be in your life, and to stay away. Sounds cold, and it is, but HE DUMPED YOU FOR HIS EX and HE USES YOU AS AN EMOTIONAL CRUTCH!

 

You have a free pass to go berserker on him!

 

Simply tell him "listen, you dumped me for your ex, and I really don't want to hear about your relationship with her. I feel insulted that you talk about her and I'm not some old sweater sitting in the back of your closet that you can take out on cold laundry days to feel warm. Perhaps in the future we can be friends, but NOT now. I'm thankful for the time we did spend together but I am moving on. Please understand this if FOR ME moreso than because of you, and I'd appreciate it if the contact stopped."

[stace79]

You have a free pass to go berserker on him!

 

Funny you would say those words, I sort of did go crazy on him on Saturday...He's always like "I know you, this is what you do. You freak out for a few hours or a day and then you are back to normal and we're okay again."

 

I do want to move forward...I want to not be in love with him anymore. For a few minutes or an hour or so, I think "Yeah, I can be his friend. He's that important to me, and he's always there for me when I really need him." (Which is true...he has stayed on the phone with me all night when I'm anxious, he came to see me in the hospital when I was sick in January, he's let me stay the night on his couch when I was upset about something unrelated to he and I. He is a good friend, I'm just not ready to only be a friend.)

 

I think you all know as well as me that by being friends with him I'm just waiting to see if they will work out. And the worst part is, if/when they see each other I know it will just kill me inside. (She lives two hours away, so she usually comes and stays for a weekend or he goes there, so it's inevitable I find out because he won't answer his phone or return my calls.)

 

I just want to hear what other people say about if/when/how I should let him know, and ideas about what I should say specifically. Thank you.

[Faith2]

I agree with giving notice of NC in your particular case. Otherwise he'll come searching for you. But please don't word it as Oppath has suggested. Don't word it in any way as to sound like a sad and bitter pitiful loser. Maintain your dignity and self-respect. Give it some careful thought. You might even consider putting a time limit on the NC... 3 months or 6 months or whatever. It's up to you. Give yourself time to think about it carefully before you announce it.

[stace79]

So I did it. Basically I told him he will always hold a special place in my life and heart, but one of two things has to happen before I can talk to or see him again...either he has to be completely over with his ex, or I have to not be in love with him anymore. I told him he is very important to me, and it means a lot that he wants to stay in my life, but it isn't healthy for either of us.

 

He has supposedly made this decision to see what was meant to be with her, but he isn't really DOING anything about it, which drives me nuts. He is still in limbo pretty much. So maybe now that his safety net (me) is gone, he will start acting.

 

I'm freaking out. I want to open my email and see a reply for him or get a phone call or something. But I guess he will do me a favor if he doesn't respond and just does what I asked. BLAHHH! Why do relationships have to hurt so much?

[CaliGuy]

I would not suggest telling someone you are going NC. It could be seen as being manipulative. Just stop contact and say nothing.

[stace79]

Normally yes I would agree, but this guy has already demonstrated in the past and told me point-blank that if I just fall off the face of the earth that he will eventually show up at my office to find out why. He said the least I could do is tell him I don't want to talk anymore, and that he will respect my wishes. I just know I am too weak at the moment to ignore his calls if he keeps calling....so telling him to back off seemed my only option. For the record, though, I think you are right in 99% of cases.

 

I would not suggest telling someone you are going NC. It could be seen as being manipulative. Just stop contact and say nothing.

[stace79]

Arggh....I guess the benefit of not telling someone what you're doing and just doing it is that it doesn't give them the opportunity to piss you off again!! He emails in reply to my message some garbage about how he will always ALWAYS (in caps just like that) love me, care for me and think about me. And that if I ever need someone he is there any day, any time and place. Well that's a load of crap, because he can't be there for me if he is at his stupid ex-girlfriend's house, now can he???

 

Man, I am going to have to take up kickboxing over this one. Please, if anyone wants to sympathize and share in my anger, I'll be much obliged.

[2ndIINone]

Hi! Remember me??? Did I NOT tell you he'd be back???

 

e emails in reply to my message some garbage about how he will always ALWAYS (in caps just like that) love me, care for me and think about me.

 

he's too easy to read.... and very predictable. PLUS, he knows exactly WHAT to say to you and how to push your heart buttons. SMARTEN UP!

 

 

He told me yesterday he was perturbed the ex hadn't called or texted yet on Easter.

 

Are ya kiddin' me???? Does he have ANY respect for you??? For God's sake, he's still saying he loves you, but is upset he didn't hear from her?

Stace.... YOU are second best right now.... and definately a crutch....

 

No, you should NOT have warned him that he was gonna get cut off. He's called that BLUFF many times over.... His ex has him on an emotional rollercoaster... and inbetween rides, he stopped to let YOU get on as well. Time to find a new coaster, don't you think?

[AriaIncognito]

He always throws out these tiny tidbits that make me think getting back together is a possibility.

 

..... In some ways, I want that, but I know it's probably me just wanting to feel like we have a chance or something.

 

I wanted to talk about the 2 points above. I'm going through this same situation, basically.

 

The former is because he's afraid of losing his "sure thing". He knows you want him, want to be with him, care about him, etc, so he throws these tidbits out to keep you there. I know because my ex has done the same thing. This doesn't mean he wants to get back together, it means he's too afraid to feel TOTALLY alone, so he strings you along. It's unfair to you (and to me in my situation).

 

Secondly, you said "in some ways I want that" regarding being friends. Trust me on this one, you want to feel like you have a chance. I know this as well because I feel exactly the same way. I kept him "as a friend" because it was "better than nothing". However really, it was just being unfair to myself.

 

As you know, I cut off the friendship yesterday. He went on a 1st date with someone, and I just couldn't handle it. This can be you in the future, if you too decide to keep him around for the above reasons. I don't wish these feelings upon anyone. It truly sucks. I wish he loved me, but apparently, he doesn't, and more than likely, never will, so I need to do my best to move on. You should probably do the same.

 

If either of them come back, well then we can see where we are then. By then, we might realize how much they aren't right for us anyway.

 

As far as no contact and contacting him to tell him that, I'd say don't bother. If he contacts you, feel free to tell him you want NC. Otherwise, contacting him is just another way to break NC on your behalf and will only set you back. I grappled with this this very morning, when I considering emailing him to discuss the terms of this break. I realized that's dumb, I just wanted any excuse for contact.

 

Good luck to you.

[LakesideDream]

Be a peach. If it's no contact you want, tell him. Be as nice or nasty as you like.

 

What can it hurt to let him know you are through talking while he's "shoppin"?

[2ndIINone]

What can it hurt to let him know you are through talking while he's "shoppin"?

only IMO.... this 'kind' of guy (one who is using her as his crutch, one who KNOWS she can't resist him) will only take "warning NC" as an insecure threat.... in other words.... he'll most likely think to himself... "Oh, apparently shes forcing herself to not talk to me anymore (because she can't live without me).... hahahaa, I'll give her 72 hours and I'll sweet talk her back..."

 

He already knows how to push her buttons and work her heart.

 

She shouldn't be mean about it, because it shows her emotion.... satisfying his needs that she shouldn't be satisfying. If she's all sweet about it... as if he's breaking her heart and that it breaks her heart to go NC.... then he'll still have his needs satisfied.... (ego).

 

She needs to cut this turkey off COLD TURKEY... even when he comes back sweet talking and begging (and he will when she's no longer buying into his bs), she STILL needs to ignore his @ss. Cause words don't mean anything, especially if his words to her are backed up with words of how he's missing his ex....

 

she does NOT deserve to be treated this way. She obviously wouldn't treat him this way, so why should she settle for being treated this way?

 

bottomline: ANY emotion this girl shows to him is a wrong emotion that she wants to display. If anything is gonna get this guy to rethink his decisions about her, it's going to be 3-4 months minimum of not hearing a word from her. He has to realize she CAN and WILL have a life, a good one.... without him in it. That is the ONLY way he will take time to think about the way he has treated her.... and realize what he may have given up.

 

again, just my opinion.

[stace79]

bottomline: ANY emotion this girl shows to him is a wrong emotion that she wants to display. If anything is gonna get this guy to rethink his decisions about her, it's going to be 3-4 months minimum of not hearing a word from her. He has to realize she CAN and WILL have a life, a good one.... without him in it. That is the ONLY way he will take time to think about the way he has treated her.... and realize what he may have given up.

 

I think you are right. I think last night I hit rock bottom....at least I hope that was rock bottom, cause I really can't feel much worse than I did last night. I haven't really slept much at all in two days. I'm seeing a counselor this week, not only to get over the anxiety/depression this has given me, but also to figure out why on Earth I would ever put myself through this for a man like him. Yes, there are a few positives and good things about our relationship. But there is absolutely no reason why I should be this hung up on him and accepting this behavior.

 

Anyway, he called me today and left a sickeningly sweet voicemail. I'm not returning his calls. You are so right. Let him call me over and over if he wants, or e-mail or come to my office or whatever else he threatens to do. You are so right that my "warning of NC" is just a thinly veiled threat to him, and he doesn't believe I will ever go more than a few days without speaking to him. So far, I've failed at NC three or more times, so why would he think any different?

 

You're right....either he will finally realize what he's missing, or if he doesn't, he wasn't worth my time anyway. For those of you who believe in this sort of thing, I'd appreciate prayers or good thoughts sent my way to help me be strong. I know I'm stronger than this. I've been through at least one worse situation. Thanks for your bluntness and honest opinions.

[2ndIINone]

Anyway, he called me today and left a sickeningly sweet voicemail.

oh, big surprise! ) He's waaaay too predictable now....

 

 

You're right....either he will finally realize what he's missing, or if he doesn't, he wasn't worth my time anyway.

Correct.... S~ I feel for ya... I do, and TOTALLY understand where your coming from as do most in this forum... seeing as MOST, if not ALL have been or are going through it.

 

Sometimes I choose to give advice to stories that resemble mine because it helps me understand how ex's think and how the ones trying to get them back... screw it all up. (How do you think I knew you'd be posting more threads about this guy???) Trust me, I break NC all the time... sometimes I even break it on purpose... ( it keeps them away, the ones I want to stay away, cause I know, KNOW if I go to long without contact, they will turn around and find me...) it's happened sooooooo many times over, it's now like clockwork and I can bet on it.

 

Everyones first instinct is to push when they feel like they're losing something/someone... God's honest truth from experience.... pushing will PUSH them away for sure OR only allow them to keep you as a doormat. Distance for you and distance for them is the only hope.... for you, not them. Remember who's #1. You. (ps. start surrounding yourself with friends... guy friends AND girl friends) trust me?

[stace79]

You would be so proud. I don't know where I found this sort of inner peace today, but it just came to me, and I'm trying to do anything I can to hold onto it. I haven't cried since last night. I haven't really thought about him too much. I listened to his voicemail again (yes, I saved it) and it didn't really affect me much at all. For the first time in weeks, I stayed home, alone, watched TV, made dinner for myself, took a bath, listened to my favorite CD....all of this without once feeling sorry that I was home alone or sad about him. I was never overly religious before, but I'm literally thanking God for wherever this feeling came from and praying that it doesn't leave me overnight!!!

[2ndIINone]

I don't know where I found this sort of inner peace today, but it just came to me, and I'm trying to do anything I can to hold onto it

 

GOOD! but ... *cringes* not to be a downer.... STAY FOCUSED! cause today was a good day.... tomorrow??? well, ya know.... emotions come in waves....so be prepared.

 

Don't be embarrassed about saving the message. I once held onto a voicemail for over six months. That's how much I missed hearing from her. :sick::sick::sick: Now I just get aggrivated with the sound of her 'manipulative false' voice. Look how far I've come...

[AriaIncognito]

You would be so proud. I don't know where I found this sort of inner peace today, but it just came to me, and I'm trying to do anything I can to hold onto it. I haven't cried since last night. I haven't really thought about him too much. I listened to his voicemail again (yes, I saved it) and it didn't really affect me much at all. For the first time in weeks, I stayed home, alone, watched TV, made dinner for myself, took a bath, listened to my favorite CD....all of this without once feeling sorry that I was home alone or sad about him. I was never overly religious before, but I'm literally thanking God for wherever this feeling came from and praying that it doesn't leave me overnight!!!

 

Stace79,

 

I'm not raining on your parade, but I want you to REMEMBER THIS feeling. This feeling of being OK with being alone. Being happy. Not being upset. The reason I want you to do this is because there will inevitably be times after this that all of a sudden you'll feel down for no reason. Remember this when those times hit. That's what I try my best to do. It gets hard, especially on the weekends.

[AriaIncognito]

GOOD! but ... *cringes* not to be a downer.... STAY FOCUSED! cause today was a good day.... tomorrow??? well, ya know.... emotions come in waves....so be prepared.

 

Don't be embarrassed about saving the message. I once held onto a voicemail for over six months. That's how much I missed hearing from her. :sick::sick::sick: Now I just get aggrivated with the sound of her 'manipulative false' voice. Look how far I've come...

 

Haha i guess i should have read the rest of the thread before I replied. Seems you and I are very alike, 2ndIINone :-) Too bad you're in SOUTH NJ ;-)

 

He's very right, stace, emotions very much come in waves, esp where no contact is concerned. Some minutes today I was wanting to contact him. Others, like now, I'm fine, even though he's online and has been for like, the entire day LOL.

[2ndIINone]

Too bad you're in SOUTH NJ ;-)

 

Further south then I was ... I moved out of state all together... 4 years ago. Don't miss Jersey too much, other then ol' buddies.

 

The 'waves' of emotions.... don't they suck???? It's amazing how great one could feel ... let's say, in the morning... and then for whatever reasons.... at 3pm.... BAM! you get hit like a ton of bricks... thoughts of..."Geez, If I can say JUST the right thing... will they respond?" or... "What if I word it this way? or that way?.... will they be nice to me?" Then they pass... and come back...and pass....and so on, and so on...etc....

[AriaIncognito]

Further south then I was ... I moved out of state all together... 4 years ago. Don't miss Jersey too much, other then ol' buddies.

 

The 'waves' of emotions.... don't they suck???? It's amazing how great one could feel ... let's say, in the morning... and then for whatever reasons.... at 3pm.... BAM! you get hit like a ton of bricks... thoughts of..."Geez, If I can say JUST the right thing... will they respond?" or... "What if I word it this way? or that way?.... will they be nice to me?" Then they pass... and come back...and pass....and so on, and so on...etc....

 

That happened to me today. I was doing ok, then BAM. Then I was OK again....lol

 

Here's to hoping for more "ok" than "bam!"

[Teacher's Pet]

That happened to me today. I was doing ok, then BAM. Then I was OK again....lol

 

Here's to hoping for more "ok" than "bam!"

 

You are doing ok.... you will continue to do ok.... and soon, you'll be even more awesome than you are now.

 

And if not..... I'll give ya a good "bam!" and set you right again.

 

*hugs*

 

-tp

tough love where tough love is due.

[stace79]

Six a.m. and I'm still doing "okay." I was sort of disappointed he hasn't left 500 messages about how stupid he is and how sorry he is, but hey. =) I think it's something he said to me about not being that sad over my whole "NC email." He doesn't believe I will really follow through, because so far I haven't. So in a week, when he's heard absolutely nothing from me because I blocked him on AIM, won't take or return his calls, etc., then he will probably start freaking out. I'm the best thing he has got. (or had anyway) He'll figure it out sooner or later, but then it will most likely be too late. I don't think at this point there is anything he could to to make me trust him again or love him the way I did. (Yes, I still have love for him, but our last convo on Monday changed that somehow.) Anyway here's hoping that this keeps up...

[2ndIINone]

Six a.m. and I'm still doing "okay."

G'morning... you should be sleeping still.

I was sort of disappointed he hasn't left 500 messages about how stupid he is and how sorry he is

this will happen.... tempting your mind.

then he will probably start freaking out.

bet on it...

 

He'll figure it out sooner or later, but then it will most likely be too late.

Sooner or later...just don't forget what he's doin' to you now and how it makes you feel...

[stace79]

GOSH DARN IT!!! I haven't broken NC but for some reason I really want to right now. Not really because I'm sad again or wanting him back....I think I am at a stage now where I want him to be miserable and I'm sort of wanting to act out revenge haha.

 

I really want to e-mail his ex and tell her a few choice words and phrases....some items that I know would prevent her from ever speaking to him again. I know that would just make me look childish and petty, but dammit wouldn't it feel good. haha

 

I just wanna fast forward like two weeks.

[AriaIncognito]

Don't do it Stace79!

 

You know it's only a temporary fix. If you do contact him, you'll feel good for a few minutes maybe, but it'll wear off, and then you'll be back to square 1, and you'll be wishing you didn't contact him.

 

Keep posting.

 

I so shouldn't be on here right now...lol