jealousy issues...me and my fiance

[sunshine79]

well, had a great easter with my family. my fiance stayed here (2hrs from my fam and i) and he spent time with his family and kinda to give us some time to ourselves which we haven't gotten in 2 months.

 

he went to his family's thing for 3 hrs and then left ot go drink and hang out with one of our good friends. fine. i shouldn't be jealous. but i am. i guess he could tell and instead of saying "it's fine, we'll hang out and do soemthing when you get home" he turned it into "it's one night, get a grip" kinda thing and got mad at me. he is saying that i don't give him enough of "his time" that he needs. i understand. he gets maybe an hour in the morning by himself before work and i'm there when he gets home.

 

it's just i get jealous that he has more fun with his friends than me. why? i do'tn know. he wouldn't ahve asked me to marry him 7 months ago if this were the case.

 

i cried myself ot sleep when i was at my parents and he was out at his frien'ds house. i wanted to be there and not at my family's house. that is so wrong. i'm tearing as i write this becaue i see how dumb it is.

 

i have a feeling if i continue on this road i'm going to push him away. what do i do?

 

i have no friends here, no money to go join a gym or anything, i work hard and am in school online so that should take my time up but i crave time with him. why doesn't he with me? am i too needy?

 

we were laying in bed last night and i told him i wanted to do soemthing tonight since he gets off work earlier than normal on mondays and he said he didnt' want to do anything...no drinking, no going out, because we have "no money". and i told him i just wantedto do something at the house and he still doesn't want to "plan to do anything" i don't know if it's cause i missed him over hte weekend or what.

 

he's snapped a lot lately at me nad his mom. he is up for a big promotion at work and maybe that's weighing on his mind. i don't kow. i 'm scared if i don't stop i will lsoe him because i'm so attached and not independent.

 

anyone been here? any advice?? what is wrong with me??? ugh.......

[JackJack]

Jealousy is a sure fire way to ruin a relationship. However, I understand you can't help the way you feel. But you might have to learn how to overcome some of that.

 

It sounds as if he might be on edge with this promotion thing coming up, of course thats no excuse for him to feel the need to ignore you or be snappy with you. Just let him know you are there for him. Then let it alone. Take a step back and let him have whatever space he might need right now. Hopefully soon he will see you are there for him, but are giving him his space at the same time.

[sunshine79]

thanks jackjack, that is great advice. i need to learn when and how to step back. it's just hard for me, and he knows that. i wish i had more friends here but girl friends are so hard to find that aren't bitchy, caniving (however you spell that) and don't have bf/fiance/husband that they'd rather spend their time with.

 

i'm going to have to find a hobby of some sort. maybe that'd help me stay away and enjoy something at the same time since i never get that. it's work, homework and him and my pups for me.

 

idon't want to push him away, i realize that i could be so maybe that's my first step.

 

any other advice is welcome or tips or ideas! : )

[Enema]

People need their own lives, their own space and plenty of time to themselves to maintain sanity.

 

I hate to throw out broad generalizations but it often seems to me that women feel a much stronger need to spend a lot of time with their partner.

 

You'll push him away and make him more resentful if you keep trying to force time together.

 

It already sounds like you get plenty of time together, give the man some space.

[sunshine79]

we do get plenty of time together. yes. i know that, i'm working on it. i just dont' know how to change my behavior and thoughts since it's the norm and has been a lot more frequently the past few months. we used to not be like this. i know he's resenting us right now on top of the stress of his promotion.

 

how do you make this "sudden change" (for me it's sudden, or i think it is, since we've been up each other's butts the past few months) ?

 

part of me likes ot know everything and i get jealous when he hangs out with his friends..maybe i'm insecure. i sometiems think that he will hang out with his SINGLE buddies and around SINGLE women and see somethign better in them than me. i know that's ridiculous since he asked me to spend the rest of my life with them. but i'm just being honest. i've seen it happen too many times, maybe that's why...ugh...i sound like a freak dont' i?

[sunshine79]

oh and i'm 28 and have previously been married...coudl this be not wanting another failed marriage that i feel the need to "keep tabs' on him???

 

i'm reaching out and thinking...thanks for the help guys.

[JackJack]

oh and i'm 28 and have previously been married...coudl this be not wanting another failed marriage that i feel the need to "keep tabs' on him???

 

i'm reaching out and thinking...thanks for the help guys.

 

Its possible. Why did your marriage fail if you don't mind me asking?

[sunshine79]

my exh and i were together 3 years, almost 4...got married at 23...after we got married my ex turned into this super nerd and it was like he forgot about me. he played video games nonstop, his job had him worknig 12 noon-9pm if not later so i didnt' get any time with him since i had to be in bed at 10 for my early job. hmmm...could this be my problem?? ugh....

 

anyway, we talked, things got better, then went back to the normal and it's like i didn't have a place in his heart like i once had. eventually we grew to be just roommates and ended it.

 

it's hard for others to understand but that's it. could this be effecting me/

[JackJack]

Did you have jealousy issues when you were married? Or do you feel that came afterwards and fear of losing someone close to you and thats why/when the jealousy started?

[sunshine79]

i don't remember having jealousy issues with my ex like i do now. sure every girl has jealous issues but NEVER like i have now.

 

maybe i'm scared i will fail again? maybe i'm scared i'm not good enough for a man and tobe married? i don't know...

 

io do know that i'm the one causing the fights lately, i have to be stuck up his butt on everything. know who it is calling EVERy time his phone rings. i can't not ask...i don't know...i used to not care and he'd offer up anyting and everything...now it's like i have to pull teeth and i have noticed he hides things...like he went to his buddy's house while i was out of town this weeknd and he hid the fact he got home at 2am instead of 12am like he initially said. i found out because he laughed nad told me but if he would have told me then i would have been super worried...about what? i don't f'in know...

 

i'm in a whirlwind, i recognize that, but i can't stop...i sound like a freak, i know.

 

another thing is we're getting married in less than a year so maybe that's a concern? i don't know...i do know i'm pushing him away and i need to get a grip...

 

maybe i could start working out...thing is, i don't know where ot start...maybe if i felt better about myself i wouln't have these issues. i have gained 15 lbs since i met him (i was 115lbs now i'm 130 on a 5'7 body so not that bad but i hate it) ugh...thanks again for talking to me and listening. this really is helping me.

[JackJack]

another thing is we're getting married in less than a year so maybe that's a concern?

 

I will say, do NOT get married until this jealousy issue is either resolved or under some kind of better control. Because I'm sure after you are married, it will not get any better. Best to work on it now. You might could do a search on how to get over jealousy. Good luck.

[ash519]

Baby steps!!! I cant write much cause I am getting busy at work...BUT...no more asking "Who was that?" or checking his phone. It doesnt matter who it is or what was said. I do that too!!!

 

I'll be back shortly!

[kittensmittens]

I have to say, I am probably the most jealous person, honestly. (I'm trying to work on it, though!). Right now my jealousy issues are mostly in regards to the opposite sex, but if it gives you any hope I used to be exactly as you are. I used to be completely unable to give my bf time to himself. And it was especially bad if we had a fight and he told me in various ways (sometimes in a mean way when he really needed me to back off) that he needed space to cool off. It had to be 98% me, 2% everything else (or, you know...roughly somewhere around there.... ).

 

When I had free time, he was, without a question, the first person I wanted to spend it with and it would infuriate me if the feeling wasn't reciprocated. And, actually, I still have the same problem as you do with girlfriends.....there are waaaaaay too many bitchy girls out there and the rest have boyfriends. ::sigh:: Sadly, I do think it helps to have friends who can distract you, but the good news is that it's not absolutely necessary.

 

First of all, have you read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus? I know, I know....haha...it may be heavy on the stereotypes, but it does have some good info, especially the "rubberband effect", which I have found to be true. Also, my mom told me something once that has made a significant impact ever since. Pretend you live alone and having him there is strictly a bonus. I know that sounds weird, but just go about business as if you rely completely on youself to stay sane, happy, and entertained (like you would have to if you lived alone)....and when you really need to cuddle with someone or talk to someone....well, he actually IS there....so it's a bonus.

 

Otherwise, you're making yourself into an obligation. Do you want him to spend time with you because he wants to, or because he has to? The more he spends time with you because he wants to, the more he will want to spend time with you. Intimacy is good, of course, but if he already knows what's going on in your life (and in every painful detail) without even being given the chance to ask, there is no desire and no purpose to reconnect. I used to be very "anti-game-playing" and insisted everything be out in the open like this until I finally realized that maintaining healthy boundaries and retaining some of the mysetry that drew us together goes beyond game-playing and is simply an important dynamic, necessary to the survival of (most) relationships. Even when I go off into the other room to watch tv, it sparks my bf's desire to know what I'm up to. It brings back a little of the thrill-of-the-chase that made the early days so exciting.

 

Another thing to think about is, how much of his time is spent around you and how much of his time is spent around his friends? I don't mean "quality time", I just mean time around each other. It used to bother me to that my bf would go out and paint the town red with his friends and then come back to me and fall asleep or something, but I have since realized that he is around me much, much more than his friends. Especially if your bf hasn't seen his friends in a while, he's probably just making the most of his time with them. Since you're around him a lot more, you happen to be there for a lot of the mundane yet necessary sh*t (like arguing over who takes out the garbage, figuring out why the dishwasher isn't working, giving the cat medicine...). I don't do these things with my few and far away friends. When I see them, all I want to do is have fun and make the most of our visit. But it's still really nice to not have to come home and figure out why the dishwasher is broken all by my lonesome. And I certainly don't cuddle with my friends or have tickle fights with them. Every person needs different people to fill different roles. No one person can fill every need you have, and that's essential to remember. Don't give him more work than he can handle!

 

BUT...you can still take a tip from his friends. Do they get angry, demanding or depressed when he says he can't hang out, or he's too tired, or just plain doesn't feel like going out? Do they question it? From observing my bf's friends, I would say no--they accept his answer and move on. They find something else to do, someone else to hang out with or they just stay in themselves. Maybe they're bummed, who knows, but they don't give him crap about it. And as a result, he never grows to resent them and even finds refuge in them from a world full of demands.

 

Sorry this post is so long, but I hope it helps some. I'm still going through issues of my own, so I'm not going to pretend to be the guru on this stuff, but these are just some of the things/ideas that helped me cope with what you're going through.

 

Have you tried just sitting down and talking to him calmly about your feelings when you're not feeling clingy and/or jealous? Maybe try telling him about how your past hurts could possibly be affecting your present behavior.....just having his empathy may be enough to calm your fears. (TIP: it may help to make it clear from the begining that you are only wanting his empathy....otherwise it may be interpretted as you asking him to spend less time with his friends or solve all of your problems. Just be careful not to expect his empathy because if he can't give it to you, you'll only set yourself up to be hurt.) If you feel comfortable with this, it may be worth a try....

[imonyourside]

lol thanks kittensmittens - although long, your advice was very helpful!

 

i'd have to agree with most of it, you need to give him some space like he needs. my boyfriend once told me that he loves to be with me if i'm really sweet and outgoing. if i'm nagging him all the time, he will less likely want to be around me.

 

if i go about doing my own things and maybe give him a call once saying just missed you, wanted to say hi! and then continue to do my own ****, he will want to see me.

 

it sucks because i've been there too and i feel like i'm almost just as jealous as you are! its scary because it can take over so fast and before you know it you sound crazy!! but you are not a freak, you just don't know the best way to handle your emotions and the situation. TRUST ME IVE BEEN THERE!!! almost too many times.

 

i'm going to sound redundant (is that the right word? ) but like everyone else said, just give him space. if he wants to hang out with friends, go do something else. i wouldn't suggest making him angry as well but it would help if you would go out with your friends and maybe he would see how you feel just a bit! you could go out, have a ball and completely forget that he went out with his friends.

 

if you don't have too many friends that are available , do what you said. join a club or start a hobby. theres this thing in my area called parktakes that lists a bunch of different things to do, look online, i'm sure theres something like that in your area.

i've recently joined a pottery class. i'm doing it with my mom, but if i weren't, i would try to meet some people in that class because i'm a bit low on friends seeing as how they all went off to college. it is very possible for you to make friends , even though not always the easiest. it would help if you had a sister or friend to go out with you and meet people together, therefore you are not alone.

alright well i hope this helps. talk to you later!