depressed at 3 am.

[stupidhead]

hi everyone. i'm not sure if posting here is a really good idea because it seems to me that i'm one of those "crazy" people all these posts are about, but i'm in a bad place right now and don't feel like talking to anyone in "real life" about it. so if you'd like to psychoanalyze me or whatever, be my guest.

 

i somewhat recently broke up with my boyfriend who i had been with for about 9 months straight (our relationship began a while before that). i had commitment issues from the very start stemming from completely irrational anxiety & possible OCD that i could not explain. every bone in my body was telling me to get out of the relationship ASAP although this was the guy of my dreams i'd been head over heels for for about a year (we were increasingly good friends during that year). goodlooking, incredibly talented musician, one of the most genuinely caring people i'd ever met, would never do anything to hurt me -- everyone was jealous but excited because they'd all felt it was going to happen. so you can imagine how devastated i was when i freaked out out of nowhere and felt like i couldn't be with him, that i didn't want to be with him.

 

i had a breakdown because the anxiety was too much. told him i couldn't do it after literally only a week of being together. he went away (6 months junior year abroad) shortly thereafter. we kept our distance for a while with the exception of a lot of drunken emails that i sent which basically all added up to "i miss you and want to be with you, but i don't know if it's going to happen." by the end of his time away we fell back into place and it DID happen when he came back. it felt perfect. we decided to make it official. kept in touch over the summer though we were occupied w/our jobs in different places. i struggle with anxiety (intrusive, constant thoughts about wanting to leave him, about me not being "in love"), worse at some times than others, but worked hard to suppress it. we went back to school in september and our lives became more intertwined, we spent more time together, began spending every night together. at some point in time (december?) he brought up concerns that he had with the relationship...i wasn't open enough with him, he said. he felt like he had no idea what was going on in my head, and that i wasn't making an effort to be as big a part of his life as he was in mine. this was true to some extent, except i thought he was really overexaggerating it and was being way too sensitive. i agreed to work on it anyway. right afterwards, we went to our separate homes for winter break, i flew out to visit him for a week at his, and things went ok for the most part, but i wasn't feeling it a lot of the time. we had one minor fight about my lack of communication (we hardly ever fought per se but this was as close to an argument as we came). left on what i thought was good terms, a week later before he was to fly back and stay a week with me he called and said he needed time to think. to make a long story short(er), he broke up with me the next week. literally held me while i was crying (he cried a lot too) and told me that he was still in love but basically couldn't handle me.

 

i was miserable for a while (you know, that EVERYTHING HURTS thing), but in a way relieved because i had always had that feeling that i needed to end it, that i was sort of postponing the inevitable, and this relieved me of the responsibility. i UNDERSTOOD where he was coming from, so it made it difficult for me to be mad at him, and easier for me to be mad at myself. besides, there was in my mind that chance that we could grow and work things out down the line because neither of us could see each other with someone else.

 

i know a lot of people say you can't be friends with your ex, but we decided to try our damnedest to make it work because we were so close beforehand and didn't hate each other or anything, so we were not willing to let that go down the drain. we started off slowly, saying we needed time, but quickly decided that if we were going to make the transition we needed to see each other in a new context without waiting a long time. so we started doing that, meeting with friends to study, whatever. i still felt a sting and it was hard sometimes but i was willing to deal. we got along perfectly, enjoyed each other's company. seemed like it was going well until one day (two months after breakup) i couldn't take the tension anymore and decided i wanted to sleep with him. worst idea ever, right? well i was out of touch with my emotions and convinced i could handle it. so we got drunk and it happened. had the talk the next day about how it wouldn't change things. for a little while, didn't feel like it did. just our obviously still-present emotions expressed physically, right? he told me that he clearly wasn't doing a good job of getting over me and that though he didn't regret it he wasn't planning on having it happen again.

 

then this week was way too much for me. we play music together, hadn't since the breakup, but it was his last performance here and he had asked me to accompany him some weeks ago, so i did (thursday). it was intense because when not playing, i was sitting in the audience listening to songs he wrote about me (which he played flawlessly), and i felt myself flooded with emotion. i was struggling with the idea that we were not together. bad time to attend his birthday party which happened yesterday...got way drunk (surprise), ended up getting jealous of his talking to a great/pretty girl and realizing that some day he is going to move on with his life, without me... he saw i was upset and asked if i needed to talk (SECOND WORST IDEA EVER), i declined at first but he eventually convinced me to and took me into his room where i proceeded to spill my guts out with no self-censoring whatsoever (i know i've been noncommittal but i can't stand the idea of not being with you, blah blah blah, etc.). ended with him saying "i can't do this" and walking out. me being angry, presumably having expected him to suddenly realize that he made a bad decision, and going home and writing him a terrible email about him sending mixed signals, him writing back the next morning saying that he's been very clear about where he stands and if i can't handle being friends with him then it's my decision. i apologized profusely and have realized that i need to stop communicating with him when i'm drunk, and perhaps more importantly, tone down the drinking in general. he accepted my apology and we're going to talk seriously when we have time to get together in a few days.

 

i read too much into things, hear what i want to hear...in my head, he was still waiting for me to shape up, while in his head, he had accepted that it was a bad relationship for him to be in and was dealing with that fact, even though it hurt b/c he was still in love with me. and so now, two months later, i think i am finally really "going through" the breakup because i realized tbhings aren't the way i thought they were, that he is going to move on and find somebody else and it's because i blew it. i had my chance, and i couldn't love him the way he needed to be loved -- maybe i couldn't really love him at all. i wanted to, though, i really did, more than anything.

 

i feel like i got hit by a car. i don't want to get out of bed, don't want to talk to people, don't feel very much like eating or doing anything. i have a history of depression and obviously anxiety so i plunge back down into this very easily. i assume people are going to tell me that we need to do the no contact thing. i don't know, honestly, if i can live like that. (especially since i am going to probably see him every day as we live on the same campus, and i would rather at least be on friendly terms with him). i have never had an emotional bond like this with somebody and i can't stand losing him. maybe this means i'm digging my own grave, but i think it would hurt me more to just have him out of my life entirely. he's leaving in two months (he's a year older than me) so maybe that will make things easier for me.

 

so there you have it, the story of one very screwed up girl, one of the "i don't know what i want" girls. please understand that we're not all trying to make your life a living hell and are likely destroying our own lives at least as much if not more than yours.

[KaneNAbel]

Hey, are you sure you're not the girl that just broke things off with me last week? Seriously though, it gives me a little understanding. It's hard to imagine the girl I was dating to feel the way you do though. She has her ex to go back to and from what I heard about her past, she's done this to many. I wasn't sure the girl in my situation saw me differently though, but she kept saying that I was perfect and that she sucks. We've decided on no contact so I'm sure that she's over it or will get over it.

 

Again, thanks for posting this, this did give me some perspective. And I can only hope that she's agonizing as well. Not because I'm a sadist, but because it makes me feel like she actually cares and it wasn't some cold calculating plan. (as you can tell, I'm still in the bitter/angry stage)

[stupidhead]

yeah, i obviously can't speak for her, but if she is anything like me than she has probably gone through a considerable amount of pain. sorry you've got to deal with her problems.

 

oh well. day got off to a rough start, didn't accomplish anything but managed to make an appointment with counseling (MUCH easier said than done for me) for tomorrow so hopefully i can pull myself out of this hole. have a feeling they might recommend meds because of my long-term issues. guess i'll see.

[MattNZ]

Hey stupidhead,

 

Maybe you can shed some light on this for me?

 

My girlfriend (if I can still call her that!) and I are having issues at the moment. She is questioning whether or not she is ready for a serious relationship.

 

We are having some space at the moment - She has just moved out 2 weeks ago and with the freedom has been going out a lot to keep herself busy. I just want to know what it is like when you have 'down' time to yourself? She said that last friday was the first time she has really had time to herself and found herself missing me. She acts strong in front of me but I often wonder what it will be like for the next 2 weeks when she hsa more down time as her work becomes less busy?

[stupidhead]

well, i'm sure you understand that i am not necessarily "the voice" to trust because i have more bizarre anxiety issues than most.

what kind of a person is she - outgoing or more reserved?

i am the type who has a tight knit group of friends and doesn't "go out" much so i think that probably made things harder on me (although they were super supportive of me so that was nice to have). i definitely tried to concentrate as much as i could on my work, but for a while was pretty miserable with myself and while not always "missing" him per se (anxiety obscured most of my understanding of my emotions) i was beating myself up about not feeling like i could be with him. i actually went on forums like this one (just realized my join date was in nov 2005 when the whole thing began) and tried to find people who could relate. so yeah, i spent a lot of time thinking about it. though i didn't really clue him in as to how i was coping.

 

the only advice i really feel comfortable offering is something that most people here could tell you -- definitely give her space. my ex was pretty good about this although he did make it clear that he was having a hellish time dealing with the situation. however, for me, it was almost like any time that he showed a sign of needing to be with me, i wanted to back away further. i almost feel like if he had backed off instead that i might've gotten my act together much sooner. i wasn't worried about HIS feelings for me because they felt like such a constant, so i felt like the relationship really depended on how I was feeling...and that was too much pressure for me to handle, i guess, because it was like if i wasn't SURE then the entire basis of our relationship was unstable. i hope that makes some sense.

[MattNZ]

Thanks Stupipdhead,

 

The last paragraph really rings true! When we met twice last week I tried so hard not to dwell and show her I was positive about it all and getting myself busy (joining a gym, playing soccer again, got my mountain bike back on the road and applying for a new job). However, yesterday I let my guard slip and she definately backed off. I have said I will back off and not contact her and she can text/call whenever she is ready to talk again......however long that will take!

 

Thanks again for the advice - helped, even if it wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear!

[stupidhead]

glad i could help someone.

 

i'm still depressed. i can hardly move some of the time. have been skipping obligations left and right.

 

it has been three months. granted, i haven't been DEALING with reality for three months. but i want some honest opinions. what do you think this means? is it just because i'm alone, or because he left me and i'm feeling worthless, or what?

 

i don't think he would take me back. although i know he wants nothing more than to do so. it makes so much more sense for him not to...because i am unreliable, and he is leaving in a month and a half for his new life.

 

i also know that if for whatever reason he did decide to do so, the anxiety would kick right back in.

 

it is so easy to look at this and say, well, you don't love him, that's why you're anxious. but i don't know that that's really true. i feel like i would experience this anxiety with anybody at this point in my life. i felt it several days after we started dating, at which point i was still obsessed with him... the fear was strong enough to abandon ship. and there was no reason.

 

we are both miserable without each other. he is on antidepressants and still depressed. i'm not on anything and probably even more so.

 

i wish more than anything i could feel sure of the fact that i love him. i want nothing more than to tell him that i can commit to him even though he is going away. i want to love him and to know i love him. i don't know what's wrong with me.

[ringside]

Sorry to hear about your situation. I don't have anything constructive to say; I just wanted to offer some words of comfort, cold as they may be. I can't profess to understand totally what you're going through, but on some basic level I know that horribly incapacitated feeling, like you can't function, like you're lost without this guy. I really don't know what else to say except that you have to start dealing with reality (you said you haven't been dealing with reality for 3 months). It's the only way to move foward.

 

I know it's much easier said than done and I'm also grappling with that myself but I think sometimes you need people to tell you what to do in order to start believing that it's really what you need to do. So...all the best, take care, I hope you feel better soon.

[stupidhead]

thanks, i appreciate it. i know some elements of my situation are much easier to relate to than others.

 

no contact is virtually impossible because of our situation. i would have to actually ignore him when i see him, and i don't want to do that. however, i am limiting it to chance encounters for now. he asked me to hang out on tuesday (we've been getting together every once in a while to play video games so we can work on this friendship thing) and i told him that i felt i needed more space because i hadn't been dealing with a lot of things until just recently and now that i am i need time to deal. he said okay, sure, i understand, and i'm glad you recognize that you need the space.

 

and then only a few hours later he emailed again and asked if it was okay to stop by one of our friends' parties that he'd been invited to - but he basically admitted he didn't care about her and it would be to see me, and then kind of realized what he was saying (when i had JUST asked for space), apologized and called himself an idiot, and basically said "just remind me that you need space, okay?"

 

kind of a weird email. i'm resisting reading too much into it. i just responded saying that i thought it was best if he didn't come.

 

i'm pretty proud of myself, i feel stronger.

[Davis]

First of all, I wish you would change your LS name! I thought it was an odd name before I read your thread. There is nothing "stupid" about you and you shouldn't label yourself that way.

 

Ok, second. You have some serious anxiety issues that typcially get worse with age if not treated. I don't know if you have or go to a therapist, but you should. Also, you should go see your family doctor. Have you been on medication before? Sounds like you need an anti-anxiety and anti-depressant, maybe Celexa and a stronger one for a short while in addition to that like Xanax. I'm not a doctor, so I'm sure they can diagnose you and get you on the best medication.

 

This DOES NOT mean that you're stupid or crazy!! It means chemically your brain does not function as well as most people's and that makes a miserable situation even more miserable for you.

 

So, please go to your doctor. Find a therapist or counselor. NOTHING wrong at all with getting a little mental and medicinal help! You do not have to suffer this much! You have to do what is best for you in taking care of you. Yes, 98% of the time I would say go NC. I think you should minimize contact as much as possible. But, if you're going to have anxiety attacks and depression, then if some contact with him helps you through this time, so be it. Get some help girl! You will feel better soon and you'll get through this! Good luck!!

[stupidhead]

aw, thanks. honestly, i made this name a year and a half ago when i was feeling incredibly dumb, and didn't even intend to post... when i came back and decided to make an account, it told me i already had one, and this was my name, so i just used it. perhaps i'll make a new one.

 

i have been to a bunch of different counselors over the past few years but never found someone i liked enough to stick with. i went to my school's counseling center a few weeks ago around when i started this thread, and it worked pretty well, i had a followup, and they referred me to another place around here...i'm working on gathering up the guts to call and make an appointment. i am going to do it, though.

 

i really appreciate your concern. i am alright right now, have been keeping myself busy, and it doesn't hurt that the weather has been absolutely beautiful. i went out sailing this past weekend, and am busy with work and my job (i work at the campus nursery school and find working with kids takes my mind off everything, including him). i do not think my more positive state of mind is unrelated to the fact that i have not seen him in a week, and only had limited email contact with him. i have a great time hanging out with him but i realized that, at this point in time, that short period of enjoyment is not worth the heartache that inevitably follows.

[Totoro]

SH, if you think you have OCD, even moderate OCD, I recommend getting help (a *good* therapist and possibily medication).

I myself struggle with moderate OCD and depression and it took till I was about 24 to finally "face up to it" and get help. OCD and depression often go together, as you may know.

 

There is a thing called "relationship OCD"--I recommend you check it out. I wouldn't be surprised if you suffer from it...

Even if it won't work out with this guy, you need to figure out "your" issues before you start another rel'ship.

 

OCD, depression and anxiety can make an already bad situation seem MUCH, MUCH worse...

 

Google "relationship OCD" or go to http://www.healthboards.com/boards/forumdisplay.php?f=95 (I hope they won't edit that out!!)

 

 

Good luck!

Totoro

[stupidhead]

i am glad you mentioned that, because i did a lot of research the first time i was freaking out back in nov '05, and relationship ocd was one of the things that kept coming up. in some ways, and at some times, i really think i suffer from some of the symptoms. i was reading an OCD board for a while (and have gone back from time to time) and found out a lot of useful info. it's hard, though, because even a lot of therapists don't know much about it... and of course because after a while i started seeing that nagging doubt as a part of the relationship and not some uncontrollable anxiety problem that it had seemed to be at first.

 

i only made it through a few posts on the first thread of that link, because it started getting me down... i really don't want to feel like our relationship failed because i didn't get help for my issues... because then i'm going to have to deal with the fact that maybe i really WAS in love with him and i just couldn't recognize or handle that. whereas now i'm just sort of like, well, i didn't love him, it was going to end anyway. that is not to say that it doesn't hurt like hell and i don't question and wonder every day, but at least there is some consolation in thinking that he probably wasn't "the one" for me and i didn't "really love him."

 

i want to get help so that maybe i can learn to love someone the way i want to. but maybe it is too raw right now? edit - too raw to work on the relationship ocd specifically...not too raw to go to therapy in general. i have a lot of other things to work through.