Took my power back...

[herenow]

You're right 100%.

 

Question is, has meetme26 told his wife to help them, or bust up their marriage, in hopes that she'll kick him out and hope he'll come to her? That I am not sure of.

 

What I don't get is, once again, the thoughts of telling the wife when the A is going good aren't there, but as soon as the A changes and things are not as good anymore, the OW decides to tell. Not too sure of motives there...

 

I'm sure that meetme26 didn't tell the wife because she wanted any good to come out of it for the wife. You're right, if an OW really cares about the wife knowing the truth, they would tell much earlier in the affair. I agree that telling the wife when the affair goes south is a last ditch effort for personal gain. That gain may be revenge or the hope that the wife will leave the marriage (since the MM isn't going anywhere) or that the MM will be forced to choose and he will choose the OW (not likely). Then again, who knows what goes on in the minds of the OW, they may not even know why they do it.

[NoIDidn't]

Ok so then I guess I should just show XMM's wife the picture I have on my cell phone of her husband's dick and the text message that went along with it and upset her world. I should tell her about the weekends we spent together and the many nights out sharing drinks and romantic evenings.

 

 

Doing any of the above is vengeful and mean-spirited. So no, you should not show her the picture or the text message - or even tell of that particular item's existence.

 

My thoughts on telling the W have to do with telling the bare basic fact that an A has taken place between OP and MP, give dates and times for when you KNEW s/he was lying (as in you were sitting right there as he lied). That's more than enough to inform the BP.

 

But to do the cruel thing of showing off pictures and the details in text messages in thoughtless and inconsiderate of the other person's feelings. Our own imaginations fill in the rest, we don't need the knife turned anymore than the basic knowledge that it did happen.

[Jinxx]

Doing any of the above is vengeful and mean-spirited. So no, you should not show her the picture or the text message - or even tell of that particular item's existence.

 

 

That was my point. And any OW/OM telling the BS is mean-sprited, no matter what good intentions they may have. The example I posted was extreme. I won't tell (or show), ever. There is no purpose or point.

 

And for those who are curious as to why I still have the picture.... well I like it. It has nothing to do with XMM still having control over me, he doesn't. He has one too of me. I still have to see him on occasion. We might not be physical with each other but we still talk every now and then.

[Ruby Tuesday]

EXACTLY JINXX!!!

 

Telling the wife isn't an insurance policy to protect you from xMM. We know this from experience. This is (so typically) the xOW's way of getting back at the xMM through his wife.

 

It isn't noble at all, it's spiteful, vindictive and cold blooded.

 

I'm really tired of people (especially from the BW) justifying this bad attitude as "the wife should know" because of course the wife should know, but if you really believed that you would have told her in the beginning (and not the end) of the affair.

 

You missed the opportunity to do the right thing a long time ago.

 

You only took this course of action because you had nothing left to lose.

 

What you did was create more hurt for another person to punish the xMM because YOU GOT BURNED. You have INTENTIONALLY created hurt someone else to make yourself feel better, and again prooves to me that some OW are just as messed up as their MM, cause I know telling didn't resolve your problem. It only made things worse for everybody.

 

Nevermind that telling the wife doesn't exactly make you her friend. I'm sure if things went the other way you would be happy to see her divorced from MM. You wouldn't have told her a damn thing then, if that were the case. It's not that I am judging you, but I dislike people who play manipulative games with people lives.

 

Shoulda known better.

[Guest]

When the OW tells the BS it is almost always when the affair isn't going her way and mm has made it clear he is staying. If he is flip flopping and being indecisive, then OW should walk, as she would if a single man won't commit to her. You don't phone the single guy's mother if he won't commit do you?

 

It is a nasty bitchy thing to do and is done out of revenge and bitterness. What has the BS ever done to you? You, the OW are the one encroaching on her territory--she actually married him. She never invited you to the "party".

 

If you cannot stand the heat from the affair then leave the kitchen in a dignified manner. OW who spitefully tell the BS never think it through or appreciate the hurt from their actions. What if the wife comitted suicide because of you.

Is that enough revenge?

 

I hope he would go and find someone else if that happened and throw you under the bus because you deserve that.

[PoshPrincess]

I have to say I have never agreed with telling the W. I see no point in hurting someone and their kids for the sake of revenge (coz lets face it, no one is doing it for the Ws sake!) although I guess some might say you are hurting the W anyway just by having an A with her H.

 

Saying all this, way to go MeetMe! You are dealing with things brilliantly. At one time I would have been fuming reading about someone telling the W but now I actually admire you (and others who have done) in a funny way. I would never have done it personally, and of course, a lot of that has to do with the fact that at one stage I didn't wanna rock the boat with MM coz I seriously thought we would end up together (duh! how stupid was I?!!!) His W found out about us by accident which was the last thing I wanted but even when she confronted me I said nothing as I didn't feel it was my place too (and wanted to get the story straight with MM anyway). I think you had a lot of guts to do what you did.

 

Yes, my exMMs W probably does deserve to know that after she found out about us he STILL continued to see me, that he lied to her about the seriousness of our R, the circumstances of how, when and where we met and many other things, but at the end of the day, she wants to be with him, he maybe or maybe not wants to work things out with her, and who I am to stand in their way? I would rather him be happy with her if that's what's going to happen otherwise him NOT being with me when he supposedly loves me would be a total waste!

 

Meetme, keep up the good work! You're right, none of us deserve to be someone's dirty little secret!

[lovernotafighter]

When the OW tells the BS it is almost always when the affair isn't going her way and mm has made it clear he is staying. If he is flip flopping and being indecisive, then OW should walk, as she would if a single man won't commit to her. You don't phone the single guy's mother if he won't commit do you?

 

It is a nasty bitchy thing to do and is done out of revenge and bitterness. What has the BS ever done to you? You, the OW are the one encroaching on her territory--she actually married him. She never invited you to the "party".

 

If you cannot stand the heat from the affair then leave the kitchen in a dignified manner. OW who spitefully tell the BS never think it through or appreciate the hurt from their actions. What if the wife comitted suicide because of you.

Is that enough revenge?

 

I hope he would go and find someone else if that happened and throw you under the bus because you deserve that.

 

this is a silly post guest..

 

for one thing you just equated the wife to his mother and that's pretty sad.

 

secondly had any betrayed spouse committed suicide after hearing about a affair would mean that person already had some serious problems that hadn't been addressed and examined prior to this event that was the the final nail in their crazy coffin.

 

there are many reasons that a OW would want and have told the spouses of their OP. mine for example: my affair is over..or is it? my MM will not pull his toe completely out of the cake waters of our relationship. I am considering telling his wife not out of bitterness but out of needing my own piece of mind and making it over permanently.

 

as long as I keep our secret he is free to follow me every where, theres nothing and no one to stop him except his spouse. (and believe me this has been gone over with other members and myself in private)

 

perhaps my responses aren't noble that I believe BS should be aware and it's the right thing to do however they are not out of bitterness and spite. I truly care for my MM however I want my relationship to be completely over and he will not let that happen unless I end up taking extreme measures.

[NoIDidn't]

this is a silly post guest..

 

for one thing you just equated the wife to his mother and that's pretty sad.

 

 

Its not so silly at all. Most OW liken the W to his mother based on what he says about her and how you see that her words make him act a certain way. The OW thinks of the W as an authority in the life of MM, otherwise he wouldn't stay with her and react the way he does to her (so called) edicts.

 

He complains that she wants him to do this or that and you notice that he does it, to not rock the boat at home. So you decide to tell her to get her to control her H, but if she could have controlled him, he wouldn't have been with you or any other woman.

 

So, no its not so silly at all. Why do people think a W is able to control a H's actions anyway? If you want to control his actions, you should tell his kids (please, don't do this for real - they all claim to stay for the kids so I am just joking that the kids should know and help him decide).

[frannie]

Hmm... I think getting your power back should be about walking away (or whatever it is you want to do) without kicking anyone where it hurts. That's revenge, not power... revenge comes from a position of inferiority imho... and doesn't get you back where you wish you were, but makes you feel pretty ****ty, I think. But then there's a whole movie industry based on the emotion so maybe I'm wrong on that score

 

Yes, I fantasise about telling his wife. Actually some days it seems like the only rational thing to do. I mean, if she knew, it would be all over for them and all OK ... but then again, it would be a stupid stab in the back for MM... and that's what telling the wife really is about... a last grab at what tiny bit of power you have left. Not really getting your power back at all!

 

eek! please save me from thoughts of telling the W!

[sadbuttrue]

this is a silly post guest..

 

for one thing you just equated the wife to his mother and that's pretty sad.

 

secondly had any betrayed spouse committed suicide after hearing about a affair would mean that person already had some serious problems that hadn't been addressed and examined prior to this event that was the the final nail in their crazy coffin.

 

there are many reasons that a OW would want and have told the spouses of their OP. mine for example: my affair is over..or is it? my MM will not pull his toe completely out of the cake waters of our relationship. I am considering telling his wife not out of bitterness but out of needing my own piece of mind and making it over permanently.

 

as long as I keep our secret he is free to follow me every where, theres nothing and no one to stop him except his spouse. (and believe me this has been gone over with other members and myself in private)

 

perhaps my responses aren't noble that I believe BS should be aware and it's the right thing to do however they are not out of bitterness and spite. I truly care for my MM however I want my relationship to be completely over and he will not let that happen unless I end up taking extreme measures.

 

LNF, i told the W, and it got me nowhere. i thought it would end things with me and MM and maybe make him work things out with her. i thought it was the only way out.

[Ruby Tuesday]

I think if you are truely remorseful about telling, it can be forgiven.

 

We've all said & done some really stupid things in the name of love. BW and OW alike.

 

< - I'm plead the fifth! LOL

 

The flipside is that the OW have done enough to hurt her, you know? It's better to just talk about it (at least) so maybe if somebody new comes along, she doesn't make the same mistakes.

[dignityback]

Sorry if this is a bit of a t/j but I have been away from the forum for a while and have just noticed that Frannie is back--great news as I have missed her threads.

 

BUT Frannie what are you doing with the guy? He isn't leaving and you said you would end the affair if he hadn't left by the end of March if I remember.

 

Let me give you some harsh advice because you need it.

HE IS USING YOU and YOU MUST KNOW IT.

You cave in and stay as the OW so what incentive does he have to leave? None whatsoever. I don't care what he says; he still loves his wife and things aren't that bad at home. He still has sex with her and you are just the side dish.

 

The "I'm staying for the kids" routine is bull**** . He can still see his kids when he is divorced. He admits he doesn't see then during the week much as it is. If he was so devoted to his kids, let him move to a job nearer his home town, or move his wife and kids nearer where he works. Oh no, he couldn't see you then to enhance his life. He is selfish.

 

I really like you and I hate to see you being used by a spineless bast***.

He has no respect for you, especially as you have gone back on what you said you would do. How long are you going to wait?

Do you want a family of your own?

What happens if he changes jobs and moves away?

 

I never advocate telling the wife unless the mm has promise to leave and goes back on his word.

In your case I can see why you are tempted. It would sort your situation out once and for all and you wouldn't see him for dust.

 

I know you may not like what I am writing, but I don't like the way you are letting him stay in your life. He is not in love with you as much as you are with him. Actions speak louder than words and he is going nowhere because he wants to be married.

 

He is a using cake eating coward who is telling you that you are not very important to him and you are your own worst enemy who tolerates crumbs and sharing a bloke who goes from your bed into his wife's.

If he wants to remain a married then tell him to keep ALL his marriage vows.

[Guest]

Bouncing this up so that Frannie or ASmethwick can reply to Dignity Back's excellent post

 

I think you have lost all creibility and respect with your bloke Frannie.

I also find it bizarre that you both have posts on the same thread.

After all the good advice people gave you on the Separations forum, you could at lease give us an update.

 

For what it's worth, he clearly isn't that in love with you and you are destined to be the OW for years. No Xmas, no summer holidays together and him using you during the week and going back to his priorities at the weekend.

You will feel worse and worse the longer you stay in it.

 

If you end the affair he won't come after you because he can take or leave it.

Isn't that what happened last summer.You ended up resuming with him--you initiated that.

Never threaten to do something unless you are ready to follow through.

You are some free booty for him.

Will he be there for you if you are ill at the weekend. A text mesage is not quite the same is it.

 

Get a grip and wise up.

He is playing you big time and you are not and never will be happy with that because you want, need and deserve more than being his bit on the side.

He is still sleeping with her and is a slime ball in my opinion.

You make it easy for him to have his cake.

 

If he was a real man, he would stay away from you so that you could get a life with a future. He is selfish and you want to be with someone like him?

He was never serious about leaving his marriage and now you are settling because you have no choice. You have shown your hand and played all your cards.

[overandout]

Dignityback has made some good points Frannie.

WHY NO COMMENT AFTER ALL THE ADVICE YOU WERE GIVEN?