meetme26 Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 I've been having an affair w/a MM since last summer. In the last month, things have been strained and very difficult. All along my MM gave me the typical story of "my wife and I have been basically living as roommates for the last several years", " I need to stay for the kids, just hang in there, shouldn't be more than several (try 10!) years when they graduate high school." I felt like I had given my power away. (In fact, when I would switch my schedule around to be there waiting for him, he would actually say "Wow, it's good to know I have so much power!") Well..... Yesterday, I decided to take my power back! He stood me up and put me off for the last time. It was time. I called his wife and told her everything. She informed me she had a feeling he had been playing around for a while but never had the proof. Well now you do sister! We can fool ourselves all we want and say our MM really "love and care" for us, but my eyes have been opened to the fact that in the end, if they're not leaving, we're nothing more than a gullible piece of a@#. I put it out there to my MM that this is what I want, and this is where I'm going and you're more than welcome to come along WITH me. BUT, I won't be your plaything waiting around while you are building your life w/ your W. I deserve to be "loved out loud" and not be someone's dirty little secret! Good luck to all who are being "loved" at arm's length, but for me, life's too short!
addicted2love Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 Good for you for taking your power back. One question though? Why did you feel you had to tell his wife instead of just walking away? I'm just curious. Also...what has happened since then? How did he react?
Author meetme26 Posted April 9, 2007 Author Posted April 9, 2007 I told because he wanted to keep things as they were. Calling when he felt like it, no time on weekends, holidays, or after 7pm when he was in town, meeting out of town but only for as long as he wanted NOT as long as he was able. I know I came into this situation with my eyes wide open (it was my first affair), but I realized I needed more. She was very businesslike and to the point on the phone. Not upset, crying, yelling or name calling. In fact, she thanked me for calling, telling me at least now she knew the truth. About a half hour after we spoke, my MM started calling (15 times in a row!) I didn't answer, but on the last call he left a message desperately saying we need to talk before he went home to see her. He said we needed to get our stories straight because he didn't want to be caught off guard. Oh, please! NC since, thank goodness and good riddance. I don't need the drama.
addicted2love Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 I understand. Thanks for filling me in. Also Kudo's to you for having the courage to stand up for yourself and not be treated like a "plaything".
SoxPrincess Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 Good for you!! It feels great doesn't it? I did the exact same thing you did and even though I missed exMM for quite some time, I knew it was what I had to do. I knew, despite his "promises", that he would never leave W and I was tired of being played and being lied to. I called W the day I ended it and she too was very business like, didn't ask very many questions and thanked me before hanging up. At the time she said "my marriage is over", but they are still together today and surprise, surprise...seven months later, exMM has started emailing me again. I've maintained NC and do not respond, in fact, I've recently blocked his email. Taking back power is wonderful!
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 You should be very proud of yourself. I really wish I had the guts to do that. Maybe one day I'll wake up and smell the coffee. I'm not sure if I would tell his W (we've had a number of D days and he is currently separated but I'm very conscious of the fact that I only know his side of the story). You must feel very empowered, and I wish you luck with your new found lust for life
sadbuttrue Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 meetme, i am glad that you have removed yourself from MM. i understand the need to tell the W as well. i do wonder why you said this is "my first affair?" i am sure you didnt mean it like it might happen again?
Author meetme26 Posted April 9, 2007 Author Posted April 9, 2007 Nope, just meant it has never happened before, and knowing what I do now, it won't happen again. Things and feelings (my own) just got way out of control.
Enema Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 I'm glad you were strong enough to finally get out the affair. However, I do not think it was your place to tell his wife.
sadbuttrue Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 well, goodluck and i hope you can stay strong and stay away from his sorry a$$
sadbuttrue Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 I'm glad you were strong enough to finally get out the affair. However, I do not think it was your place to tell his wife. enema, who's place is it to tell? MM's? uh, that is a very unlikely thing for a MM to do. most are too worried about protecting their own hide. i understand why meetme wanted the W to know. she deserves to know and make her own decision about whether or not to stay with such a sorry guy. and who cares she didnt tell until it was over. at least the W knows now. i respect meetme for telling her, this usually means that MM will want nothing more to do with her. she did this knowing it would infuriate MM and possibly make him never want to speak to her again. i wish i had been that strong.
Kenzo Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 I think for all OW the thought of telling the W crosses our minds frequently, I know it has mine. I don't think I ever would though, well not unless she contacted me, I would be honest, and I wouldn't protect him. I think you did what was right for you to break the cycle, an luckily for you she was calm, although hopefully not as calm with him after the two of you spoke! But, good for you, MeetMe, in doing what you needed to do!
SwimORSink Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 So you became an evil person and instead of handling it with the MM you chose to tell his wife and hurt his children. You never cared about him or the relationship in my opinion
Author meetme26 Posted April 9, 2007 Author Posted April 9, 2007 W asked me if we had any plans to see each other again soon. I told her MM wanted to continue, and by letting her know I guaranteed it wouldn't. I knew by telling her I would pretty much never have contact with MM again, but that was the point. It was necessary. I learned a hard and difficult lesson and maybe he did also. Who knows, not all affairs end in divorce, but at least they are able to go on either way being on a completely honest and authentic level. It wouldn't have been that way if w never knew. That would be living a lie. I knew in order for me to completely move on and away, I had to be totally open and honest with her.
SwimORSink Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 So if he gets a divorce over this. And then contacts you. Will you be with him?
Author meetme26 Posted April 9, 2007 Author Posted April 9, 2007 No, because I don't like who I had become in the end when I was with him. I have always prided myself on the fact that I wasn't THAT woman who couldn't be trusted with someone else's man. I want, in the future, to be able get back what I put out there (consideration, individual respect, honesty). By sneaking around behind the W's back, I seriously lost my self-respect and quite a bit of self-esteem. By no means was this an easy decision, I know the possible consequences of my actions, but that's part of taking responsibility for MY life. I will not take care of or be responsible for MM's actions or role in the A. He's a big boy and needs to take care of himself.
Jinxx Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 Yesterday, I decided to take my power back! He stood me up and put me off for the last time. It was time. I called his wife and told her everything. She informed me she had a feeling he had been playing around for a while but never had the proof. Well now you do sister! Nice that you took your power back but what did you gain by calling his wife? Was that the part taking your power back or just revenge? As an XOW, some of us can agree to disagree with telling the BS. But honestly, I feel it is up to the MM or MW to come clean if he/she so chooses to do so.
NoIDidn't Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 W asked me if we had any plans to see each other again soon. I told her MM wanted to continue, and by letting her know I guaranteed it wouldn't. I knew by telling her I would pretty much never have contact with MM again , but that was the point. It was necessary. I learned a hard and difficult lesson and maybe he did also. Who knows, not all affairs end in divorce, but at least they are able to go on either way being on a completely honest and authentic level. It wouldn't have been that way if w never knew. That would be living a lie. I knew in order for me to completely move on and away, I had to be totally open and honest with her. Hopefully now you know that the bolded part is not true. He did call you. In fact, he called you and wanted to know what you told her so that he could "get his story straight". He isn't interested in rocking the boat with her right now. Many times they go right back to the OW waiting in the wings, or they try their da*mnedest. Be on guard. Most of the time after a D-day of any sort, the A goes on and the MM lies to the OW saying that the W knows and has accepted things, when they are just lying to the OW and the W now. They tell the W the A is over. They tell the OW, the M is over but they have to wait for the D details to be done with when there is none. Good for you for walking away. It doesn't matter that you told the W as what's done is done. But don't be surprised if he continues to call you or tries to get you to continue seeing him.
serial muse Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 As an XOW, some of us can agree to disagree with telling the BS. But honestly, I feel it is up to the MM or MW to come clean if he/she so chooses to do so. This is sort of an eternal question, but again, I just don't agree with this. Why is it only up to the MM or MW, again? That kind of makes no sense to me. The MM/MW has too much control over the situation as it is, and generally gets to be the one who determines what truths are parsed out to everybody during an affair; why allow him/her to also be in charge of doling out truths after the affair is over, too? It's just buying more deeply into the mythology of the whole thing, I think, and once again allowing the MM/MW to control how the story is told. As I've said elsewhere on these boards, telling about the affair is not, to my mind, the issue. The issue is the affair itself. Telling is just one part of the aftermath. I agree that if an OW/OM tells for revenge, or to sabotage the marriage, then that's not a nice character trait. But that doesn't mean that the BS shouldn't be told, or that anyone in particular has more of a "right" to do it than anybody else who was involved. Talking about "rights" after the betrayal has already happened is like closing the barn door after the horses have escaped. In the OP's case, at least, it seems that some purpose may have been served. Perhaps she has freed two people. At least she has freed herself.
sadbuttrue Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 i think you are right serial muse. it is really not right to say only the MM/MW have the right to tell. the other people in these relationships are just as real and just as big a part of it. if it happens to you, it is part of your life, and i believe it is yours to do with as you please.
herenow Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 From the BW point of view, it doesn't matter who tells, the pain is the same and the facts don't change. It wouldn't have mattered how I found out, I'm just glad I found out. Since I have never seen or spoken to my H's OW, I sometimes wish she would have called me so that I could hear her version. I have listened to her voice mail messages, so I have a pretty good idea of where she stands and how she viewed the affair. I made the decision to never call her, because I don't feel that she is a part of my marriage and I feel no need to involve her where she doesn't belong. My point is, in the end, the fact that she called the wife will have no impact on whether or not the marriage survives. That is up to the husband and wife to fix things or not. The OW should not be part of that equation.
Jinxx Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 This is sort of an eternal question, but again, I just don't agree with this. Why is it only up to the MM or MW, again? That kind of makes no sense to me. Ok so then I guess I should just show XMM's wife the picture I have on my cell phone of her husband's dick and the text message that went along with it and upset her world. I should tell her about the weekends we spent together and the many nights out sharing drinks and romantic evenings. Why would I want to hurt her or her family by telling? Or my my kids for that matter. Our kids know each other and hang out together. Nope, sorry. Disagree all you want. I think every situation is different. If my XMM chooses to stay in his marriage because that is what he wants then that is his ugly secret and his cross to bear if doesn't want to tell her. No need to hurt other people just because XMM and I cheated on our spouses -- STBTEXS in my case.
whichwayisup Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 My point is, in the end, the fact that she called the wife will have no impact on whether or not the marriage survives. That is up to the husband and wife to fix things or not. The OW should not be part of that equation. You're right 100%. Question is, has meetme26 told his wife to help them, or bust up their marriage, in hopes that she'll kick him out and hope he'll come to her? That I am not sure of. What I don't get is, once again, the thoughts of telling the wife when the A is going good aren't there, but as soon as the A changes and things are not as good anymore, the OW decides to tell. Not too sure of motives there...
serial muse Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 Ok so then I guess I should just show XMM's wife the picture I have on my cell phone of her husband's dick and the text message that went along with it and upset her world. I should tell her about the weekends we spent together and the many nights out sharing drinks and romantic evenings. Why would I want to hurt her or her family by telling? Or my my kids for that matter. Our kids know each other and hang out together. Nope, sorry. Disagree all you want. I think every situation is different. If my XMM chooses to stay in his marriage because that is what he wants then that is his ugly secret and his cross to bear if doesn't want to tell her. No need to hurt other people just because XMM and I cheated on our spouses -- STBTEXS in my case. Jinxx, I'm not attacking you personally by disagreeing with you. I simply disagree and I think you still give your exMM far more power than he deserves. (And hanging onto that picture does suggest that this is true.) At any rate, I don't think that telling someone the truth about what her husband has done, and showing someone a picture of her husband's dick to prove it, is the same thing at all. Do you? Of course you don't. No one would. Showing that picture would only be to cause hurt, and I don't think you'd do it unless you had lost all link to reason. Certainly every situation is different. I'm sure that some wives would rather never know. I'm sure that some MM are sincerely remorseful. Life is a rich buffet of different personalities. But the point that I'm disagreeing with is the idea that the MM alone has the "right" to be the arbiter of truth - particularly since I also argue that some damage has already been done (as far as "hurting" other people, that is). Please understand - I'm NOT saying that you "should" tell anyone anything. Do as you will. I'm merely saying that you're offering your exMM too much of your own free will when you convince yourself that you "shouldn't." Do you see the difference? Please, I hope you'll delete that picture, by the way. What if your kids found it? That is indeed an "ugly secret."
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