Malleus Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 I had a difference of opinion about this with someone. So, please tell me: 1. are your own long distance relationships (and those of people you know) mostly exclusive or mostly non-exclusive, defining non-exclusive as allowing casual (not sex) dating with other people? 2. Furthermore, do you think long distance relationships are more likely to be or even to require non-exclusivity than 'normal' relationships, or more likely to to be or require exclusivity, in order to be a healthy relationship? 3. oh, also; what difference does the type of LDR make in the above factors? ie, one type would be where the couple lives in the same town, then one has to move away for a few months- or another is when the couple met somewhere, fell for each other but then found they lived far apart? Thanks! (edit: type in header, should read "..in LDRs")
DOA Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 In my opinion, if you are not going to be exclusive in a long distance relationship, then you might as well not have one. I mean, I don't see what "relationship" is left apart from a friendship...you hardly get to see each other, you're sharing your emotions and romantic feelings (and sometimes bodies) with others and you only talk via electronic communication. It seems like the only "relationship" you have with your "SO" is some cruel doormat "just in case things don't work out with someone else" second choice thing.
Author Malleus Posted April 10, 2007 Author Posted April 10, 2007 Thanks DOA could I please get a few people to post so that there's a spectrum of opinions? .. and then i'll tell why I asked in the first place..
LN99 Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 I must say I agree with DOA. I mean why have a relationship with someone long distance if you are gonna be allowed to date other people? Why even bother then? I mean I could be in a relationship with a guy who lives 3 hrs away right now(we have dated before when he lived here). We both chose not to "commit" to each other because it's in a sense unrealistic. We both have a lot going on in our lives and don't have it where we can set up visits every other weekend or a few times a month. We don't even know if we will ever be able to move close to each other anytime soon etc. So we both thought it would be unfair to sit there and commit when we both know that there is the possiblity of someone else coming along in the meantime. So we talk and have remained friends. But the option to start up something is always there. We figure if its meant to be, it will work out for us. If not, then remaining friends is a good thing. Long distance relationships require Time, Money, and most importantly Trust and a mutual understanding. They certainly don't work for everyone. Where with some people, they work out great. Personally, I don't think I could handle one if there were no long term plans to actually move to be together.
VirtualInsanity Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 1. are your own long distance relationships (and those of people you know) mostly exclusive or mostly non-exclusive, defining non-exclusive as allowing casual (not sex) dating with other people? Their exclusive. Why not? 2. Furthermore, do you think long distance relationships are more likely to be or even to require non-exclusivity than 'normal' relationships, or more likely to to be or require exclusivity, in order to be a healthy relationship? Exclusive in order to be a stable/healthy. 3. oh, also; what difference does the type of LDR make in the above factors? ie, one type would be where the couple lives in the same town, then one has to move away for a few months- or another is when the couple met somewhere, fell for each other but then found they lived far apart? No difference. Exclusive is exclusive. You don't jump back and forth. Guessing your in a non-exclusive one. Right?
Sweetie2007 Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 I agree with everything that's been said! If your non-exclusive in a LDR, then basically you don't have a relationship, you have a friendship, that turns into a FWB thing when you do happen to be together... not anything I would want to do! My BF and I went un-exclusive for a week, about a year ago, and it almost killed our relationship. Of course this is different from the relationship being non-exclusive from the beginning. This was more him being in the "grass is greener" phase, and me giving him his space... he realized what he was missing ..anyway... non-exclusive doesn't work, IMO!!
Author Malleus Posted April 11, 2007 Author Posted April 11, 2007 thanks everyone! yup, i'm in a non-exclusive LDR. What to do.... I don't get it anymore! I understood him not wanting to be exclusive when we couldn't see each other for five months at a time.. heck one time we didn't see each other for like a year! I understood that even though I was never happy about it. We'll be in the same city for three months in the summer. He still wants to date other people during the summer. And that just kills me. I've been alternating between crying my guts out or feeling totally numb for days. He feels like he's stuck between; - being honest with me and therefore hurting me. - or.. suppressing what he wants to do, therefore resenting me for it. rightly, he went for honesty. Now what? I can't just "lighten up" and see other people myself, because I find absolutely no appeal in that. I can't give him some kinda ultimatum because even if he chose me, I couldn't do that to him- in the end he'd just resent me for it, and that'd spell doom anyway. I can't keep pretending that this isn't happening, because that's kinda what i've been doing so far. what the heck else is left? (oh.. and the reason I asked the initial question was mainly to assure myself i'm not a crazy obsessive person for thinking that 3 months of exclusivity is not a completely unreasonable expectation. Not that it'll make any difference, because I could show him a million articles that say the same thing, he'd still feel the same way. but at least i'm not crazy.)
DOA Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 I don't mean to be blunt, but I think this guy is just not that into you. It says a lot that he doesn't even want to be exclusive with you for three months while you are in the same city! Sounds a bit like he wants his cake and he wants to eat it too. He is still curious about the rest of the pack, and wants to explore before he commits to someone. I say let him. And you do the same!
Author Malleus Posted April 11, 2007 Author Posted April 11, 2007 I don't need to explore- I've already found. Making myself date other guys would be totally unfair to them. I'd either meet guys who aren't serious about me anyway and who are probably seeing a bunch of others on the side, or I'd torture some sweet guy who truly is serious about me. In the past, we said that maybe sometime we'll live together for a few months as a sort of trial. I'm not holding him to that, it was just a passing thought at the time.. i'm just saying, that's part of how I got the impression that he'd want to. I asked him about living with him during the summer before I applied for the visa. After I had the visa and the flight, he changed his mind. Okay, it's a big step, he's got that right. It wouldn't have stopped me from booking it in the first place. Usually when we visit each other, we spend every waking moment together. He was worried that this would be like that. But it wouldn't have been and won't, because not even I can do that for three months straight. It'd be sooo wrong to turn up and be like "well, i'm here, now drop everything you had planned for the summer", that was never the plan. Yeah, It feels like he's basically asking me to just be his friend (with benefits?) while he decides who he wants to be with. But my friendship part is glued to the love part, try as I may I can't pry them apart.
DOA Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 Yeah, It feels like he's basically asking me to just be his friend (with benefits?) while he decides who he wants to be with. But my friendship part is glued to the love part, try as I may I can't pry them apart. Then you need to do some SERIOUS thinking about whether or not you could handle JUST being friends. I seriously recommend AGAINST FWBs because you are so emotionally attached to this guy...while he's getting his goodies, you're going to end up more and more attached to him and then extremely heartbroken when he decides to finally be a man and tell you point blank that he can't take you seriously! I see that you are in love with him, but really, ask yourself this...why, WHY, would you settle for a guy who you would give your whole world to when he doesn't want to give the same back to you? It's a lousy and very lonely feeling, and trust me, there are a LOT of other guys out there who could treat you the way you want to be treated or be with you in the type of relationship you want if you'd just give them a chance!
Island Girl Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 I don't get it anymore! I understood him not wanting to be exclusive when we couldn't see each other for five months at a time.. heck one time we didn't see each other for like a year! I understood that even though I was never happy about it. We've been exclusive the entire time. And at one point we didn't see each other for 3 and 1/2 years. Time apart had NOTHING to do with how much we cared for each other and therefore the level of commitment. If he wants to see other people -- I am sorry to say he is just not that into you. He is still looking for someone thinking there may be someone better out there OR he knows he doesn't feel the end all be all love for you needed for permanence. Either way you shouldn't accept scraps. You are disrespecting yourself (and lessening his respect for you) without even realizing it. We'll be in the same city for three months in the summer. He still wants to date other people during the summer. And that just kills me. I've been alternating between crying my guts out or feeling totally numb for days. This clinches it. Same city and still wants to be available to meet others? Here's where you should be calling it quits for your own self esteem let alone the health of the would be relationship. This is a dealbreaker. What this says is you do not mean enough to him to even keep up a facade for 3 months to make you happy (he could do all of the dating around he wants after the 3 months -- it isn't long at all -- but maintain being dedicated to you for 3 months to preserve your feelings, etc.). He feels like he's stuck between; - being honest with me and therefore hurting me. - or.. suppressing what he wants to do, therefore resenting me for it. Give me a break! "He feels stuck?!!" Does he have you wrapped or what?!! He says it like this because he is manipulating you. There is nothing you can say because he can say "you want me to be honest with you, right" or "I thought we had the type of relationship where we could be honest with each other", etc. He is telling you he wants to date other people. That means he does not want only you -- although that IS what you want. So he gets what he wants and you DO NOT get what you want. He is thrilled with the buffet of women he gets to enjoy without guilt because you are accepting the terms he is setting forth --- while YOU are unhappy and unfulfilled. He has you so snowed that you actually think he is trying to be thoughtful of your relationship "so he won't feel resentful or build up resentment toward you". rightly, he went for honesty. Now what? Noooooooo. He didn't "rightly go for honestly". Get this straight: He orchestrated the situation so that with either choice that he proposed you lose. 1. He dates other people and you are hurt by that but he gets to go out with whoever he wants and not feel guilty. 2. He is restricted to exclusivity by you and "he becomes resentful of you" i.e. caring for you less and damaging your "relationship". You don't want to let him go. You still have dreams of him loving you (he doesn't - I know he might say so - but he doesn't really) and eventually being together. It is obvious even from your posts. He knew you would pick the lesser of two evils. So you let him date other girls. --- Incidentally, he knows you aren't dating anyone else because you are so stuck that you don't want anyone else but him. I can't just "lighten up" and see other people myself, because I find absolutely no appeal in that. I can't give him some kinda ultimatum because even if he chose me, I couldn't do that to him- in the end he'd just resent me for it, and that'd spell doom anyway. I can't keep pretending that this isn't happening, because that's kinda what i've been doing so far. You shouldn't have "pretended" that it isn't happening from the beginning. It also shouldn't be his decision -- as in an ultimatum. What you should do is state unequivocally that this relationship is not fulfilling your expectations, that you desire and deserve someone who can be as commited to you as you are to them, and that you must move on. IF he loves you - he'll back peddle and come running to try to discuss it. If this happens you must not lower your expectations for your own happiness but stick to your guns - if he loves you he'll commit. If he finds it easy to let you go - then it is better for you to know that now and not waste any more time on a relationship that will never be what you'd like it to be. Your expectations for a relationship are more important than his -- your needs being met should be your first priority -- his are, right? You have been sacrificing what you need and desire from a relationship for him. This lowers your self esteem and leaves you feeling powerless because you have allowed him to dictate the perimeters of the relationship. It is unhealthy and you should put a stop to it and never do it again. what the heck else is left? Millions of other guys that would appreciate you and treat you better... (oh.. and the reason I asked the initial question was mainly to assure myself i'm not a crazy obsessive person for thinking that 3 months of exclusivity is not a completely unreasonable expectation. Not that it'll make any difference, because I could show him a million articles that say the same thing, he'd still feel the same way. but at least i'm not crazy.) Not unreasonable and you'd still be settling for peanuts. The fact that he doesn't consider your feelings - only his own is VERY telling to say the least. He is getting everything he wants from this relationship -- you aren't. He doesn't want much because he is still out there looking around. You believe you have found what you desire, however, you can not have it. Win, win situation for him --- Lose, lose situation for you. Change that immediately. I don't need to explore- I've already found. Making myself date other guys would be totally unfair to them. I'd either meet guys who aren't serious about me anyway and who are probably seeing a bunch of others on the side, or I'd torture some sweet guy who truly is serious about me. Yes you DO need to explore! No you HAVEN'T found. If you read the bolded statement above --- that is what you have right now. A guy that isn't serious about you who is seeing a bunch of girls on the side. And what's up with the "torture some sweet guy who truly is serious"?!! In the past, we said that maybe sometime we'll live together for a few months as a sort of trial. I'm not holding him to that, it was just a passing thought at the time.. It isn't surprising -- I don't mean to sound flippant but you don't hold him to much of anything. He has no requirements - no expectations from you that he has to meet. Again, you settle for peanuts which leads him to respect you less and want you less - and then give you less- and then your self esteem suffers - so you demand less - then he gives you less, etc. It is an endless cycle. i'm just saying, that's part of how I got the impression that he'd want to. I asked him about living with him during the summer before I applied for the visa. After I had the visa and the flight, he changed his mind. Okay, it's a big step, he's got that right. It wouldn't have stopped me from booking it in the first place. Talk is cheap --- genuine emotion is in the actions Yeah, It feels like he's basically asking me to just be his friend (with benefits?) while he decides who he wants to be with. That is exactly what he wants and what he is getting because you are allowing it. As long as you continue to audition to find out -- possibly eventually -- if you "win" and actually get to be "girlfriend" (ta da!) -- he'll keep doing what he's doing. He has no reason to stop. He is getting his cake and eating it too. But my friendship part is glued to the love part, try as I may I can't pry them apart. This is EXACTLY WHY YOU MUST LET HIM GO. If you don't, you are going to suffer with endless heartbreak and your self esteem is going to take such a beating that it will take a long long time to recover. He is doing this to you because you are allowing him to. Put a stop to it now.
LN99 Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 I agree w/ the others. This guy just isn't that into you. He can't even commit to just you for 3 months while being in the same city! The only good thing I see about this guy is that he is honest with you about his intentions. (of not being exclusive.) I highly recommend moving on and finding someone who is willing to commit. YOu may think that he is all you can find right now, but trust me, there are more fish in the sea. Why settle for someone who doesn't want you and only you?
Sparklegirl100 Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 I had a difference of opinion about this with someone. So, please tell me: 1. are your own long distance relationships (and those of people you know) mostly exclusive or mostly non-exclusive, defining non-exclusive as allowing casual (not sex) dating with other people? 2. Furthermore, do you think long distance relationships are more likely to be or even to require non-exclusivity than 'normal' relationships, or more likely to to be or require exclusivity, in order to be a healthy relationship? 3. oh, also; what difference does the type of LDR make in the above factors? ie, one type would be where the couple lives in the same town, then one has to move away for a few months- or another is when the couple met somewhere, fell for each other but then found they lived far apart? Thanks! (edit: type in header, should read "..in LDRs") I don't know about most people but if I thought I found THE ONE, I would be completely exclusive if he was just as committed as I was. I could go on for many months without meeting the other in person with just instant messaging, text messaging and phone calls. I'm faithful to a fault. The problem with most men,however, is they can't tolerate being exclusive when long distance- most would probably give up. I haven't met THE ONE yet, but I know when I do, I will move mountains to keep the relationship alive because that's the kind of person I am- whether with boyfriends or female friends. I guess it's what some would call my biggest weakness- being faithful to a fault until a certain breaking point when the other person is too emotionally abusive,plays mind games, non attentive etc.
VirtualInsanity Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 Awesome post IslandGirl. Why settle for someone who doesn't want you and only you? Settle for someone who does. Long run, you'll be happier.
Author Malleus Posted April 12, 2007 Author Posted April 12, 2007 Either way you shouldn't accept scraps. You are disrespecting yourself (and lessening his respect for you) without even realizing it. I suppose I just hope(d?) one day the crumbs will form a lovely loaf of bread. What this says is you do not mean enough to him to even keep up a facade for 3 months to make you happy (he could do all of the dating around he wants after the 3 months -- it isn't long at all -- but maintain being dedicated to you for 3 months to preserve your feelings, etc.). and I'd settle for just that. call me weak, but.... well, no, just call me weak. So he gets what he wants and you DO NOT get what you want. You're right. I've sacrificed my need for commitment for about a year, and yet when it comes to him sacrificing for just three months, it would somehow be damaging for him to do that. You don't want to let him go. You still have dreams of him loving you yup. I also fear that I could be making a mistake. that is, i'll let him go (that still sounds impossible in my head, btw), but if I had just stuck in there a little longer, it would've gotten better. You shouldn't have "pretended" that it isn't happening from the beginning. True.. and my own damn fault. Millions of other guys that would appreciate you and treat you better... really? I thought you said most guys wont do exclusive long distance relationships? I've thought about this.. and.. I just don't want anybody from my town.. or even my country. I actually prefer the structure of LDR's that lets each person have a life.. and I don't mean a dating life or a "social" (going out and filling your body with alcohol) life. I just mean, it lets me become independent, having someone to share everything with, but not someone who'll take up all your evenings and weekends. LDRs leave the time to make college my priority, yet also travel and have a great time in the breaks. And what's up with the "torture some sweet guy who truly is serious"?!! because all I'd do is look at them and wish that I could cut out their ability to commit and stick it into him. I feel like I could be walking down the isle with somebody, and if he walked in and said "oh, wait.. I changed my mind, i'll commit" I'd be gone in a heartbeat. And that isn't fair on the other person. Thanks, everyone. And thanks for practically writing me an essay, IG! What you said makes a lot of sense to me.. I hope I have the guts to do this because I really feel like I don't. To add to this situation, my family loves him. I also think that this is kind of one-sided. That is, you've only heard from me, and you've only heard of one aspect of our relationship or whatever it is. You don't know all the sweet things he's done. Nobody is perfect, at some point you just have to sacrifice some wants (... but not needs?) or you'll always be hunting for the absolute perfect person. People these days tell themselves that if you have the 'right' person, everything will be wonderful forever, and the only fights you'll have will be trivial and funny in retrospect, and it will all be effortless. In my mind, it takes some pain, some sacrifice, and a lot of acceptance, to actually get a payoff. That said, you're right. If I agree to this, and then during the summer we get intimate.. it'll be nothing but friends with benefits. I should be worth more than that.
Island Girl Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 I suppose I just hope(d?) one day the crumbs will form a lovely loaf of bread. Unfortunately, that isn't the way it works. The lovely loaf can crumbled into crumbs -- at which point you walk away -- but not the other way around. yup. I also fear that I could be making a mistake. that is, i'll let him go (that still sounds impossible in my head, btw), but if I had just stuck in there a little longer, it would've gotten better. It has no hope of getting better when only one person is putting in effort. You have sacrificed a lot to keep this "relationship" going. He has sacrificed nothing. LDRs are hard enough when both people are fully committed and willing to do the work, as hard as it is, to stay together, preserve each others feelings, etc. He isn't committed to you or keeping the relationship. Without having one person that is not fully involved and committed you don't have much of a relationship at all. I'd say friendship at best. But my friends consider my feelings and he doesn't even consider yours -- so? really? I thought you said most guys wont do exclusive long distance relationships? Most people won't do long distance relationships period. They are hard. Not seeing each other for months or years at a time is difficult at best. However, when you meet the person that you share such a strong connection with, that you've never experienced before or since meeting them, you have to hold on to that then it is worth holding on and making it through whatever comes, right? But the only way to make it work - really work - where both people have basic needs of caring and being cared about met is with both people thinking about the other. He thinks of himself, his wants, his needs and not yours. Your needs or wants are not part of his decision process. You only think of his needs and wants and not your own. So you are left with ideas and dreams and nothing else. I've thought about this.. and.. I just don't want anybody from my town.. or even my country. I don't know where you are from but you are throwing out millions of eligible bachelors and I wonder what you are basing that on. I have different view perhaps but where someone is from, the color of their skin, etc. was never a barrier for me. I am thankful for that. My husband, the one and only love of my life, is a proud Tongan man. I actually prefer the structure of LDR's that lets each person have a life.. and I don't mean a dating life or a "social" (going out and filling your body with alcohol) life. I just mean, it lets me become independent, having someone to share everything with, but not someone who'll take up all your evenings and weekends. LDRs leave the time to make college my priority, yet also travel and have a great time in the breaks. Again I don't understand what stops you from being independent in any relationship. LDRs lend themselves to two separate lives it's true, however, there are non-LDRs that do as well. It all has to do with the people IN the relationship. A boyfriend doesn't have to take up all your evenings and weekend if that isn't what you want. You set the perimeters of what you want and need in a relationship not the other person. I am finding it difficult to understand why you think it is an "all or nothing" type of thing. College should be your priority, I am glad to hear that it is, but a boyfriend doesn't have to change that. I can't fathom why you see that what you want and need gets thrown by the wayside depending on what some would be boyfriend wants or desires. Don't you value yourself enough to demand what you want and see that those demands are met? If it is independence you need then you preserve that without sacrifice. And I dare to say if this man - the one you are "with" now - wanted a 100% commitment and plans to be together you would jump at the chance to be more dedicated. because all I'd do is look at them and wish that I could cut out their ability to commit and stick it into him. So you want commitment from him but long distance as well? I surmise that if he said he was done with the distance and had decided you are The One and he wanted you to be with him immediately and always you would jump so fast you'd surprise not only those around you but yourself as well. It just isn't going to happen that way. And you are staying wrapped up in it while feeling angst and nervousness about whether he will indeed ever feel the same way about you that you do about him. You have convinced yourself that this relationship is perfect when you know it isn't. That you do not need anymore than what you are given - except - a commitment from him that he will be yours and only yours. But the relationship isn't fulfilling in lots of ways. You know that. Commitment isn't the only thing you aren't getting from him. You want to be as important to him as he is to you. You want him to think about you and your needs and provide more for you emotionally. The commitment you want is encompassing of all that is missing. I feel like I could be walking down the isle with somebody, and if he walked in and said "oh, wait.. I changed my mind, i'll commit" I'd be gone in a heartbeat. And that isn't fair on the other person. No, it isn't. That is why you take time to get over someone before moving on to someone else. Thanks, everyone. And thanks for practically writing me an essay, IG! What you said makes a lot of sense to me.. I hope I have the guts to do this because I really feel like I don't. To add to this situation, my family loves him. Your welcome. I hope it all makes sense - more so now - there are a lot of things that you have to figure out for yourself. Such as what you really want out of a relationship and why you are settling for less. I also think that this is kind of one-sided. That is, you've only heard from me, and you've only heard of one aspect of our relationship or whatever it is. You don't know all the sweet things he's done. It goes without saying that he has done some things right. You wouldn't care otherwise. But, while doing sweet things is nice, he is not giving you what you need in a relationship. Again, you are taking scraps when you deserve the whole dinner. Nobody is perfect, at some point you just have to sacrifice some wants (... but not needs?) I didn't. And I know a lot of people who haven't. There are things I'd change -- not being long distance anymore would be one of them. But my husband does provide all of my wants and all of my needs in one package. He is human as am I and sometimes we disagree or have to solve problems together but emotionally and physically he is everything I have ever wanted. Hence being the only man I have ever truly loved. or you'll always be hunting for the absolute perfect person. People these days tell themselves that if you have the 'right' person, everything will be wonderful forever, and the only fights you'll have will be trivial and funny in retrospect, and it will all be effortless. In my mind, it takes some pain, some sacrifice, and a lot of acceptance, to actually get a payoff. I have the 'right' person. I do believe everything will be wonderful forever - but not because the only fights we'll have will be trivial and funny -- far from it -- and it is not effortless. It never has been. Pain, sacrifice, and acceptance - well, I have stories and stories from our relationship to illustrate the point. However, I also have really remarkable stories about hard work done on both sides, dedication, respect, adoration, thoughtfulness, and love. I know what it really feels like and means to be cherished. I wish the same for you. That said, you're right. If I agree to this, and then during the summer we get intimate.. it'll be nothing but friends with benefits. I should be worth more than that. You ARE worth more than that. You should see it, feel it, and know it.
VirtualInsanity Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 I also think that this is kind of one-sided. That is, you've only heard from me, and you've only heard of one aspect of our relationship or whatever it is. You don't know all the sweet things he's done. Nobody is perfect, at some point you just have to sacrifice some wants (... but not needs?) or you'll always be hunting for the absolute perfect person. People these days tell themselves that if you have the 'right' person, everything will be wonderful forever, and the only fights you'll have will be trivial and funny in retrospect, and it will all be effortless. In my mind, it takes some pain, some sacrifice, and a lot of acceptance, to actually get a payoff. That said, you're right. If I agree to this, and then during the summer we get intimate.. it'll be nothing but friends with benefits. I should be worth more than that. Yes your worth more than that. So what if he does nice things. Abusers for example do nice things. Please don't settle for something you'll regret. This thread was made for a reason right?
Author Malleus Posted April 15, 2007 Author Posted April 15, 2007 hey, sorry for the delay! It has no hope of getting better when only one person is putting in effort. You have sacrificed a lot to keep this "relationship" going. you're right, I never realised that before. Though I do believe there has been effort on both sides. Most people won't do long distance relationships period. yeah. though these days with more dating sites and more people travelling further from home, there are bound to be more LDRs. But the only way to make it work - really work - where both people have basic needs of caring and being cared about met is with both people thinking about the other. He thinks of himself, his wants, his needs and not yours. Your needs or wants are not part of his decision process. You only think of his needs and wants and not your own. I don't think this holds true in general. He has put my needs and feeling first even when this meant not getting what he wanted. but this particular discussion? yes.. it was about his needs and not so much mine. To be fair to him, he has mentioned this a long time ago- but I got upset about it, and he didn't pursue the topic further then. I don't know where you are from but you are throwing out millions of eligible bachelors and I wonder what you are basing that on. I have different view perhaps but where someone is from, the color of their skin, etc. was never a barrier for me. I am thankful for that. My husband, the one and only love of my life, is a proud Tongan man. woah, actually, we're almost all the same race here, so I couldn't behave like a racist even if I was one. I guess it's just that I've never met a guy here who I thought was datable. I don't know why! Maybe it's because I'm surrounded by binge-drinking college types. All I hear about is who did what with who at who's party.. and it's just.. ew! I know I know, I don't actually have to go outside the country to get away from that. It's not a logical thing. Again I don't understand what stops you from being independent in any relationship. LDRs lend themselves to two separate lives it's true, however, there are non-LDRs that do as well. It all has to do with the people IN the relationship. that's true. let me rephrase that. LDR's don't just let you have your own life- they force you to. Otherwise I'd just rely on the guy for everything and not learn how to do anything for myself. well, that's an exaggeration. Don't you value yourself enough to demand what you want and see that those demands are met? I guess not always.. but, look at it this way, I didn't have much contact with people my age.. or infact, any people other than my direct family, till I was 18. I also never had a real life boyfriend before that. I'm liable to make mistakes people would otherwise have made and put behind them when they were in highschool. If it is independence you need then you preserve that without sacrifice. If we were in the same country, I wouldn't say "ok, let's not see each other for six months even though all it takes is a short bus ride.." I mean really, who would? It's not that I actually want that much time apart. I don't like not getting to visit him more often- but at the same time, I realise that this is also making me to be more independent, and that's a good thing. So you want commitment from him but long distance as well? I surmise that if he said he was done with the distance and had decided you are The One and he wanted you to be with him immediately and always you would jump so fast you'd surprise not only those around you but yourself as well. I assume you mean jump as in I'd go for it? Yeah, I would. But we're both going to be in separate schools for a while anyway. You have convinced yourself that this relationship is perfect when you know it isn't. That you do not need anymore than what you are given - except - a commitment from him that he will be yours and only yours. But the relationship isn't fulfilling in lots of ways. You know that. Commitment isn't the only thing you aren't getting from him. You want to be as important to him as he is to you. You want him to think about you and your needs and provide more for you emotionally. The commitment you want is encompassing of all that is missing. I've tried to see this.. but I can't. Truly, I couldn't think of any important way - other than this - in which the relationship isn't fulfilling. Maybe it's because I have no other frame of reference? But my husband does provide all of my wants and all of my needs in one package. He is human as am I and sometimes we disagree or have to solve problems together but emotionally and physically he is everything I have ever wanted. Hence being the only man I have ever truly loved. That's great though I do think that getting not just needs but every little want in one package is relatively rare. I have the 'right' person. I do believe everything will be wonderful forever - but not because the only fights we'll have will be trivial and funny -- far from it -- and it is not effortless. It never has been. Pain, sacrifice, and acceptance - well, I have stories and stories from our relationship to illustrate the point. However, I also have really remarkable stories about hard work done on both sides, dedication, respect, adoration, thoughtfulness, and love. right, that's what I meant. You don't think things will be wonderful forever automatically– but only if you put work into it from both sides. You ARE worth more than that. You should see it, feel it, and know it. Please don't settle for something you'll regret. thanks, guys. You've really opened my eyes. This thread has given me a new perspective. I may be stubborn and not agree with everything.. but I still think that says a lot.
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