"Together Forever"--does anyone do it anymore?

[Zapbasket]

I've started two threads besides this one, one here and one under "Second Chances," detailing my recent breakup of a 5-year relationship with a person I for some time had felt was The One, with whom I could look back over the shared years at age 85 and feel so joyous that I had a partner in my life's journey. By the way, we both are 30.

 

I'm very liberal in a lot of ways, but also--at least as regards my life--very old-fashioned: I imagined myself being with one person my entire life, with whom I would share adventures, have children, build a home, etc. I chose my partner carefully as I don't think the grass is greener, that "better" people are out there; I think the greatest rewards come from working with what you have and trying to do your part to make it better. My breakup shattered all that.

 

And so I wonder: does anyone meet their "One" in their mid-twenties or thereabouts, and then stay with him or her for life anymore? Or is that a truly antiquated notion of love? Do you think it's even possible anymore? What do you guys anticipate when you're out there looking for love? Do you feel you and your partner--or anyone--could mean it when you "I do" that "...'til death do us part" line?

 

There's a book I found entitled "Coming Apart: Why Relationships End and How to Live Through the Ending of Yours" by Daphne Rose Kingma, that argues that relationships serve a developmental purpose and when that purpose is fulfilled, the relationship ends, and that nowadays in our freer society most of us go through multiple long-term love relationships in our lives and that THIS IS THE WAY THINGS SHOULD BE and WE HOLD OURSELVES TO THE EXPECTATION OF "FOREVER" WHEN IT JUST ISN'T REALISTIC ANYMORE. I can see her point somewhat, but I really just don't believe that argument as a relationship needn't expire when the original dynamics that brought the two people together change or dissolve. Friends and family keep reassuring me that "I'll meet someone else" but I have a hard time finding solace in that, as I wanted my ex-partner and seemingly, up until the end, he wanted me, too.

 

Anyway, what do you guys think about this? Do you believe that a lifetime together is possible, and that when the **** hits the fan in a relationship it's better to try to stay and work things out than to leave on the hope that things will be better with someone else? (Borrowing something really awful, of course; one should certainly leave an abusive relationship.) Opinions, anecdotes, etc. welcome.

[Dubb]

I think a lifetime together with someone is possible. I know myself well enough to know if I find someone who believes in forever then they are going to be happy they married me. I will give everything I can to make a relationship work. I do believe that breakups are something that can help someone if they learn from it. I never understood leaving a good relationship with workable issues for the unknown which could be a bad relationship with huge issues.

[BeachBlonde]

I definitely think a lifetime with someone is possible. My mom was older when she met my dad (well, older compared to all the young couples getting married back then.) They were both 28, and my dad was just getting out of a divorce. They eventually married, and my mom had me when she was 31. They were completely in love. My dad unfortunately passed away with cancer 9 years ago, but I believe that they would still be together now if he was still alive. I know it's sounds 'cliche' to say "You WILL find someone better" but I believe that you will...even if that someday is tomorrow, 5 months from now, or 5 years from now.

[RichC]

I think the odds are going down of finding "together forever" as more women have more options in life. I just think relationships are more disposable these days. I know my outlook is if it happens it happens if not then not.

[Zapbasket]

I think the odds are going down of finding "together forever" as more women have more options in life. I just think relationships are more disposable these days. I know my outlook is if it happens it happens if not then not.

 

Hmm, what do you mean, "more disposable"? Because women are no longer bred to achieve the end of being good wives--i.e., managers of the household, child-raisers, supporters of their husbands careers?

[Faith2]

Do you believe that a lifetime together is possible, and that when the **** hits the fan in a relationship it's better to try to stay and work things out than to leave on the hope that things will be better with someone else?

 

Both partners have to want to work it out. It takes two to make a relationship, but it only takes one to break it.

 

Change is inevitable. When partners change and grow, sometimes they grow together, sometimes apart.

 

I do have friends of all ages who've gone through one or more serious LTRs and then finally found The Right One.

 

I'm still looking and hoping...

[Curmudgeon]

Anyway, what do you guys think about this? Do you believe that a lifetime together is possible, and that when the **** hits the fan in a relationship it's better to try to stay and work things out than to leave on the hope that things will be better with someone else? (Borrowing something really awful, of course; one should certainly leave an abusive relationship.) Opinions, anecdotes, etc. welcome.

 

I believe that a lifetime together is possible. plenty of people still do it. Of course, I'm a long way past my 30s so my lifetime will likely be shorter than most here.

 

I also think that "looking for love" is not the way to go. Did that once, it lasted 25 years but in the end, it really wasn't love at all. I've since found that love comes best when you're looking for it least.

[LaughMachine]

I think forever is very rare, which makes it even that much more special.

 

I do believe people come in our lives for reasons and leave when the reason is served. Or maybe you were in someones life for their reason to be learned. I think life is all a learning and growing lesson. And the after life is just one big celebration of our hard times:)

 

I'm sorry about your break up though. Life can't be timed and can't be the perfect scenario of finding your true love, having kids, and living happily ever after.

 

True love does exist but not many of us are that lucky to be apart of it.

 

My mom truly loves me though, and forever!!!!

[RichC]

Hmm, what do you mean, "more disposable"? Because women are no longer bred to achieve the end of being good wives--i.e., managers of the household, child-raisers, supporters of their husbands careers?

 

You are reading more into it than I wrote. I didn't say anything about how women are bred.

What I meant is what I wrote.

[Zapbasket]

Both partners have to want to work it out. It takes two to make a relationship, but it only takes one to break it.

 

Change is inevitable. When partners change and grow, sometimes they grow together, sometimes apart.

 

I do have friends of all ages who've gone through one or more serious LTRs and then finally found The Right One.

 

I'm still looking and hoping...

 

But when you commit to someone in marriage, you're commiting to staying together through whatever changes occur as you progress through life. This means that at the times when you inevitably grow apart, you have a commitment not to let that fact dictate whether you stay in the relationship; the decision was made for you on your wedding day. You have made a commitment to find a way back go growing together. Of course you can only do 1/2 the work...but presumably the agreement you've mutually reached if you plan to go through with a wedding is that at these times you're going to work to stay connected. Is that an antiquated notion; have your friends found that in their Right Ones?

 

And second question, these friends who have found the Right One, how did they "know"; what did they feel (assuming one or more of them might have told you about this) about this One that they didn't feel ever with the other ones?

[Zapbasket]

You are reading more into it than I wrote. I didn't say anything about how women are bred.

What I meant is what I wrote.

 

 

I wasn't taking issue with what you said, RichC; I was just wondering why, in your opinion, relationships have become more disposable and asking whether it was because women have the same choices men do.

[Heartache11]

I'm young so maybe what I say will sound naive, immature, whatever. But I understand what you are saying about together forever.

 

My opinion is that there are people out there who believe that people come in and out of our lives as learning experiences. And then there are other people who see that together forever is a commitment for life, that you stick through everything together and don't give up when the going gets tough. There's positives and negatives to each, but if you believe in together forever, you need to find someone who believes in it too. This is a value you both share in your lives.

 

Just like you GreenCove, I was with a guy who I thought was the one and would be there with me forever. I thought we could work through anything and that he wanted to. He then broke up with me out of no where, and left me devastated, trying to figure out what went wrong. There was no cheating, fighting, etc. He just decided one day that he needed to sort his life out and go party more with his guys. Well, he isn't the guy for me if he doesn't believe in working through his rough patch in his life, especially after how great I was to him. We will one day find guys who treasure our commitment, but we just need to heal first.

[RichC]

Simply that women are being exposed to more and have an opportunity to do more. Marriage may seem like something that can be put on hold or not done at all. I am seeing in the city were I work many more women having kids out of wedlock and only wanting the man as a "donor". I also see good marriages out there so it can be done.

[Woggle]

Together Forever is a bunch of nonsense these days. I don't even know why men are even surprised anymore when their wives walk out on them. I know my wife will eventually leave me and I accept that so why are other men so blindsided when it happens? 95% of all relationships die eventually.

[Woggle]

Also many of the women in this thread who are heartbroken about their men breaking up with them need to realize that these men are just planning ahead. Chances are 10 years down the road you will walk out on them and take everything including the kids with you. These men are just being smart.

[Trialbyfire]

Emotionally, I want to believe that "together forever" is possible.

 

Logically, it only happens to the lucky, fully-invested few. Relationships are hard work and in this age of instant gratification, both realities clash, so...people leave each other or divorce, if they're married.

[LakesideDream]

In my galaxy of acquaintances number a hundred or so, I know of only one "couple" over 40 years of age, and under 65 years of age that are on their original marriage.

 

The biggest difference IS walk away wives. US Government stat's clearly mark the trend as growing over the past 20 years or so. No value judgement here. There are undoubtedly as many reasons as there are people for the current phenomenon.

 

Fifteen years ago when my children were in grammer school, we deduced that only two children out of their 65+ classmates (excluding them) was living with their "original" mom and dad. The rest were either being raised by single parents, a parent shacking up, or a blended family. Of course, their mother and I divorced immediately when the youngest turned 18.

 

I believe that the chances that either of my unmarried children will have only one marriage is nil. A shame but it's reality.

[Woggle]

In my galaxy of acquaintances number a hundred or so, I know of only one "couple" over 40 years of age, and under 65 years of age that are on their original marriage.

 

The biggest difference IS walk away wives. US Government stat's clearly mark the trend as growing over the past 20 years or so. No value judgement here. There are undoubtedly as many reasons as there are people for the current phenomenon.

 

Fifteen years ago when my children were in grammer school, we deduced that only two children out of their 65+ classmates (excluding them) was living with their "original" mom and dad. The rest were either being raised by single parents, a parent shacking up, or a blended family. Of course, their mother and I divorced immediately when the youngest turned 18.

 

I believe that the chances that either of my unmarried children will have only one marriage is nil. A shame but it's reality.

 

This is very true and this is why I am very cautious about the children issue with my wife. If it doesn't work out between us and she decides to walk I can deal with it and move on but if we bring children into it that is a whole different issue. I grew up in a broken home and I would not want any of my children growing up in one and modern day trends show that they probably will and I will not have a chance to be a full time father with them. My friend is dealing with a bitter divorce and I have a coworker who is older going through the same thing. Sure my wife right now seems great but there are many men who would have never in a million imagined their wives would turn on them and they did so what makes my situation any different? It would be very selfish to bring kids into it.

[Zapbasket]

Wow, Woggle, your last response really gripped me. I do want to have children, but if I do I want to bring them into a situation where my husband and I have a stable marriage tested by several years together, as well as a loving extended family and a community that really supports childrearing and children. I want my husband and I to share the childrearing responsibilities equally, and to divide our labor in such a way that when the children are little, one of us is always home with them. If I feel that it's inevitable they're going to end up in a broken home, I'd rather just not have children. It would break my heart to see them without the kind of stability and support that will protect them and uphold their self-esteem. If my husband just walked out on me, I'd feel like I'd failed my children, and judging from how I'm reacting to my current breakup I really think my faith in humanity would take a nosedive.

 

Sometimes I wish our society would do a better job of promoting the notion that choice (a wonderful thing) does not mean no-responsibility. Instead it's all me me me and now now now.

[Woggle]

Wow, Woggle, your last response really gripped me. I do want to have children, but if I do I want to bring them into a situation where my husband and I have a stable marriage tested by several years together, as well as a loving extended family and a community that really supports childrearing and children. I want my husband and I to share the childrearing responsibilities equally, and to divide our labor in such a way that when the children are little, one of us is always home with them. If I feel that it's inevitable they're going to end up in a broken home, I'd rather just not have children. It would break my heart to see them without the kind of stability and support that will protect them and uphold their self-esteem. If my husband just walked out on me, I'd feel like I'd failed my children, and judging from how I'm reacting to my current breakup I really think my faith in humanity would take a nosedive.

 

Sometimes I wish our society would do a better job of promoting the notion that choice (a wonderful thing) does not mean no-responsibility. Instead it's all me me me and now now now.

 

 

Statistically you will be the one to walk out on him and break up your family. If you marry a good man that treats you right chances are he will not walk out on you and you should be fine but he can never be sure and while men tend to stay the same women change and one day you might wake up and leave him or cheat on him while blaming him for it. Any future husband of yours will be taking a much bigger gamble than you will. I am not saying that you personally will do any of this but men all across this country are going through the very same thing and I am wondering if having children with a woman and leaving myself and our family at her mercy is worth it.

[jusified]

i think it is possible.

 

In the end its all about committment and knowing that you love someone. Even if there are certain periods of time where you feel like you had enough.

 

I think society is accepting divorce so alot of people take the easy way out and dont work on things. Or they don;t view marriage very seriously.

[lorr]

I've started two threads besides this one, one here and one under "Second Chances," detailing my recent breakup of a 5-year relationship with a person I for some time had felt was The One, with whom I could look back over the shared years at age 85 and feel so joyous that I had a partner in my life's journey. By the way, we both are 30.

 

I'm very liberal in a lot of ways, but also--at least as regards my life--very old-fashioned: I imagined myself being with one person my entire life, with whom I would share adventures, have children, build a home, etc. I chose my partner carefully as I don't think the grass is greener, that "better" people are out there; I think the greatest rewards come from working with what you have and trying to do your part to make it better. My breakup shattered all that.

 

 

And so I wonder: does anyone meet their "One" in their mid-twenties or thereabouts, and then stay with him or her for life anymore? Or is that a truly antiquated notion of love? Do you think it's even possible anymore? What do you guys anticipate when you're out there looking for love? Do you feel you and your partner--or anyone--could mean it when you "I do" that "...'til death do us part" line?

 

There's a book I found entitled "Coming Apart: Why Relationships End and How to Live Through the Ending of Yours" by Daphne Rose Kingma, that argues that relationships serve a developmental purpose and when that purpose is fulfilled, the relationship ends, and that nowadays in our freer society most of us go through multiple long-term love relationships in our lives and that THIS IS THE WAY THINGS SHOULD BE and WE HOLD OURSELVES TO THE EXPECTATION OF "FOREVER" WHEN IT JUST ISN'T REALISTIC ANYMORE. I can see her point somewhat, but I really just don't believe that argument as a relationship needn't expire when the original dynamics that brought the two people together change or dissolve. Friends and family keep reassuring me that "I'll meet someone else" but I have a hard time finding solace in that, as I wanted my ex-partner and seemingly, up until the end, he wanted me, too.

 

Anyway, what do you guys think about this? Do you believe that a lifetime together is possible, and that when the **** hits the fan in a relationship it's better to try to stay and work things out than to leave on the hope that things will be better with someone else? (Borrowing something really awful, of course; one should certainly leave an abusive relationship.) Opinions, anecdotes, etc. welcome.

 

I do believe that a lifetime together is possible. But you also have to realise that it is harder to find and keep a good long-term relationship than it was in our parents' day.

Everything is so fast paced in todays society. We have the "we want it all" mentality. We want to settle down quicker, get married quicker, and have babies quicker without thinking of the consequences.

 

We all know that relationships are hard work but its all to do with the steely determination between both parties to make the effort and to learn how to communicate and compromise effectively to strike a healthy balance.

 

I have to admit that I've been in a few longterm relationships, and each time I used to think that they were my "soulmate" and inevitably it didn't work out. But instead of it getting me down, I've realised in time that each of my relationships had its own appeal, and were the "right" choices for me independing on the stage I was in my life.

 

My parents have been married for over 35 years and I suppose I would some day like to have a marriage that will last the test of time. Although they've been through their ups and downs they never take each other for granted and make the effort to do things together whilst also maintaining their independence.

One thing that my mother has always stressed to me is that relationships and marriage are never an easy ride and that you have to be prepared to go in with your eyes wide open, and look out for the warning signs from the beginning. As she says its all good being optimistic, but at the same time Don't see what you want to see, see what's really there.

 

From reading your post your heart seems to be in the right place. You just need to remember that there are never any guarantees in life and relationships. Its all about giving love a chance and taking a risk but at the same time having the confidence to accept and know whether a relationship is going to amount to anything. Too many times people will hang onto deadbeat relationships and will constantly make excuses and justify staying in them. The only way that a relationship has a chance of going anywhere is by both partners setting the foundation and the boundaries from early on in a relationship.

 

Just because your relationship didn't work out, it doesn't mean that you are going to die an old spinister. There are always a number of reasons why it doesn't go according to plan, and its up to you to take responsibility and know what went wrong so you have a fair idea what you can do to make the next relationship more positive and that little bit better.

 

There will always be that special someone out there for us and as cliche as it sounds they always pop up when we least expect it.

 

In the meantime be in charge of your own happiness and destination in life. As individuals we all go through different life stages and there will always be new and interesting things that we will want to experience. Instead of fretting about "meeting the one" start by focusing on yourself and the exciting challenges that lie ahead.

 

 

[RichC]

I hear where you are coming from but the problem is that many times it is something that you can't plan for or foresee. I am going through a divorce right now and have heard from an amazing number of mostly men but some women whose husband/wife woke up one day and said "I don't want to be married anymore" and that was it. The more I look the more I am convinced that marriage is going to continue to decline in numbers and something else may take its place, possibly contractual relationships only good for the length of the contract but subject to renewal by both parties.

[RichC]

I want my husband and I to share the childrearing responsibilities equally, and to divide our labor in such a way that when the children are little, one of us is always home with them. If I feel that it's inevitable they're going to end up in a broken home, I'd rather just not have children.

 

Obviously I do not know you or how you would react, but, it would be interesting to see how this plays out the louder your biological clock gets.

[Aloros]

Possible? I'd say YES.

 

My parents met in college. It was my dad's first relationship, they dated for five years, and then got married. They're still together and are very happy. They rarely argue, they travel a lot together, and they still do cutesy things (every xmas my dad signs his presents as "Your Secret Admirer") that would make a lot of people barf.

 

My aunts and uncles, too, are in happy, long-lasting marriages. With all these examples before me, I don't see why two people can't make a marriage last.

 

I think it takes hard work. I think you have to learn not to take your partner for granted - to make them feel as loved and as special as when you first started dating. I think it takes arguing fairly - you can get angry, but never lose sight of the fact that you love this person. I think it definitely takes letting the little things slide - how the other person cleans their dishes, they keep forgetting to turn off the lights, they squeeze the toothpaste from the wrong end. How much does this stuff really matter anyways?

 

People get so cynical sometimes, especially on messageboards like these. I have seen so many examples where it can and does work out, to the greater happiness of both people involved. Together forever? Yes, some people still do it.