Another break, another cruel ex.

[Pher]

I guess a lot of people have been or are in my situation. So thanks in advance for listening.

 

This is my story, I was seeing a girl for over 3 years and a couple of weeks before Christmas we were on our way home and she took a joke the wrong way. I apologised but she still went mad. She told me it wasn't good enough. It was just a joke, not as though I did anything really bad. She ignored me for a week and then said she didn't want to be in a relationship and that we should take a "break."

 

First of, this tells me she must have been looking for any excuse to break up to do this break over something so trivial?

 

Then she said she wanted time to herself and was tired of the places we used to go at the weekends. Only a week or so later while I stopped in I hear she is going back to these places she supposedly doesn't like with her friends.

 

She then tells me I'll be the first to know when she decides that the break is over. She also tells me to hold onto all her Christmas presents - meaning we might get back together?

 

Now, 4 months later (2 of no contact) I see her with another guy, one who we both knew before and she thought was nice.

So what happened to me being the first to know about things?

 

I've remained loyal to her. Didn't want to throw everything away. With all that time together surely they could just say they wanted to end this and maybe within time you could build some kind of friendship.

But no, treated absolutely cruel.

 

I did everything for this girl. Always there for her when she needed me. Went to places she always dreamed of going. She didn't do that for me.

I hate her now. I think I have reason. And I think it makes things easier. Do you think it is right to hate someone over this?

 

Was our relationship just bull****? How long had she been trying to get out of this. I feel as though everything was just a fake. I feel like most women will do this now *sigh*

 

And I just don't know if I can do the dating game again. All those akward first moments. My girl felt like my best friend aswell.

 

Anyway, sorry for the long post. All opinions etc. greatly appreciated.

x

[oppath]

You have a right to feel anger. I would too. We all would. Try not to direct that anger inwards towards yourself. She was too big of a coward to just end things with the honesty and respect you deserved and she kept you on a string with false hope. This is why I won't do a break. If a girl suggests a break, I will break up with her. You can have more space within a relationship without a break.

 

I imagine this will be really tough for you. This does not mean your entire relationship was fake. It doesn't mean she didn't love or care for you. All it means is that in the end, you aren't right for each other, and she was too big of a coward to tactfully express that to you. Ultimately, this frees you to love someone else. It hurts as you are not ready and she has moved on. Yes, she was cruel to you. But now is the time to be kind to yourself, so GET ANGRY, but don't get mad at yourself, and don't start thinking thoughts like your entire relationship was a sham because it wasn't. It was real. And you should be thankful for the times you did have and thankful that now you have the chance to meet someone better.

[Pher]

Thank you for your reply :-)

 

I do think that she is such a coward. I know if people don't want to be with you they probably wont be all nice but I believe they should at least show some respect if they once did love you. Even if you were not together, I'd like to think that's how you should treat people. Even a stranger. I feel worse treat than a stranger. Maybe that's her true colours.

 

Do people think it is wrong to direct my anger at her?

I did send her an angry e-mail, basically saying I don't want her to reply to it, but just to bring soem closure. So she can't hold me on a string anymore. I'm not sure if it was wrong, but I didn't want to bottle it up. I didn't want her to think that I still want her. I wanted her to know that I hate her and want nothing more to do with her.

 

I know in the other places the age for going out to clubs etc. is a little older, but here most girls in clubs seem to be around 18. A bad idea dating teens! So maybe clubs aren't the best place to look, but it seems easiest there.

 

I've been out of the dating game for a few years. Thought I understood females, thought they were "just like us."

 

But apparently not. I thought I was doing ok because I met a girl, we talked for a lot of the night but I just didn't ask for her number. Said that I would see her the next week. The next week comes and she keeps walking by and smiling and said she is just going to the bar and will come and talk to me after. She didn't. Am I supposed to chase her more the second time around? She was really keen the first week... now maybe she thinks I'm not interested because I didn't chase her, I waited for her to come to me... confusing.

 

 

And on another note, I still have her Christmas gifts that I got for her. That makes me kind of sad. I always get a little low at Xmas, and her doing all this was too much. I feel as though I should take the "show no mercy" approach, but I don't know if I want to become a harsh character like that having no emotions of feelings.

 

Hmmmmmmm

[Teacher's Pet]

Pher,

 

Pull up a seat, grab a box of Kleenex, and welcome to the party.

 

I guess a lot of people have been or are in my situation.

 

Yep.

 

So thanks in advance for listening.

 

Always.

 

This is my story, I was seeing a girl for over 3 years and a couple of weeks before Christmas we were on our way home and she took a joke the wrong way. I apologised but she still went mad. She told me it wasn't good enough. It was just a joke, not as though I did anything really bad. She ignored me for a week and then said she didn't want to be in a relationship and that we should take a "break."

 

She didn't happen to be a high school teacher, did she? Sounds like my ex.

 

First of, this tells me she must have been looking for any excuse to break up to do this break over something so trivial?

 

Yep, this smells of B-ness.

 

Then she said she wanted time to herself and was tired of the places we used to go at the weekends. Only a week or so later while I stopped in I hear she is going back to these places she supposedly doesn't like with her friends.

 

Are you my long lost twin?

 

She then tells me I'll be the first to know when she decides that the break is over. She also tells me to hold onto all her Christmas presents - meaning we might get back together?

 

Holding one's breathe is never a healthy idea, literally, or otherwise.

 

Now, 4 months later (2 of no contact)

 

Good for you! NC is tough.

 

I see her with another guy, one who we both knew before and she thought was nice.

So what happened to me being the first to know about things?

 

First rule of breakups: The minute you break up, you don't owe each other anything. It's a harsh reality, but it's true.

 

I've remained loyal to her. Didn't want to throw everything away. With all that time together surely they could just say they wanted to end this and maybe within time you could build some kind of friendship.

 

You can't guarantee a breakup becomes a friendship, but since you've obviously been better to her than she has to you, is she even worth your friendship?

 

I did everything for this girl. Always there for her when she needed me. Went to places she always dreamed of going. She didn't do that for me.

 

I think you just answered my last question.

 

I hate her now. I think I have reason. And I think it makes things easier. Do you think it is right to hate someone over this?

 

You know something? Better to hate her than hate yourself. Some people beat themselves up over a breakup. She's the "bad guy" here. Don't take it out on yourself.

 

Was our relationship just bull****? How long had she been trying to get out of this. I feel as though everything was just a fake.

 

Sometimes, you'll never find out just what you meant to her. I know I meant little, if anything, to my ex. But, we're not talking, and I'm not asking.

 

And I just don't know if I can do the dating game again. All those akward first moments. My girl felt like my best friend aswell.

 

Suggested reading: Any of my posts. Yeah, I'm full of myself, but I've been through exactly what you are going through right now. Learning how to date again, learning how to make friends again..... maybe you'll get something out of my "story", and even if not, some of the sh*t that's happened to me is not to be believed.

 

Anyway, sorry for the long post

 

It's quite alright. Some of us *rolls eyes* have been known to do that, too.

 

All opinions etc. greatly appreciated.

 

...and your faith in us, to help guide you through your healing, is just as appreciated.

 

Stick around, it gets better, I'm living proof.

 

-tp

9 months, 20 days single.

9 months, 14 days No Contact.

9 months, 14 days LIBERATED from a nasty, bitter woman who will always be miserable.

[Teacher's Pet]

Here ya go.

 

This is me, 9+ months ago.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=91998&page=2

 

Sound familiar?

 

-tp

sadder but wiser

[Ssheena]

Agreed. If she broke up with you over a misunderstanding about a joke, that was the "last straw" she was looking for. A lot of time people say things like, you'll be the first to know, to soften the blow for the other person. I don't know too many people who like to hurt someone they used to love.

 

It's ok to be angry and to think you "hate" her. It is not going to happen overnight that you will meet someone else, it's not easy out there. Women as well as men are scared. It's hard to open up and trust another person and let them in to get to know you.

 

Take care of yourself. Keep being true to yourself.

 

Hoppy Easter!

[Pher]

Teacher's Pet - Thank you for your reply. I read your post. Yes, very familiar. And my ex also worships Jon Bon Jovi!

 

I definetely think most females I meet now will be kinda judged against my ex. Most seem to be out wearing next to nothing and only have thoughts of how drunk they can get. If they can rememeber the whole evening, then it was a bad evening. My ex was neither of these, someone just with respect for themselves I guess. It's so hard to meet people like that in todays world!

 

In some ways I mourn for the person that she was. I wish that person would have come back. Maybe like all things she has just changed, or maybe this is the way she treats people who she doesn't care about.

Most people I knew when I got with my ex were single. Now, all these years on, they are all with someone. How things turn.

 

What I don't miss though, she considers herself to have a pretty busy lifestyle and when I would say "do you want to go there this weekend" sometimes her reply would be "Stop nagging" or "stop bothering me." Seems pretty harsh to me. Which is why I'm angry too now because she suddenly has more free time now to see other people, so it must have been a lie.

 

I don't want this to sound like a female hating post, but so many times I hear/see women talking about how bad men are. Yet it seems like, a lot of the decent guys I know have all been messed about by women. Maybe being too nice is one of the biggest problems here.

 

Seems as though if you find a great woman, to hold onto her, just be her friend. Friends don't get dumped as much.

[Pher]

Ssheena- Thank you :-) "Hoppy Easter to you, too" I think Easter is going to be like Christmas and Valentines day though. Not so good! :-\

 

And regarding the joke, I could think that if I never said it, we might still be together. But I refuse to regret saying it. I don't think I did anything wrong.

 

Basically it went like this... we were coming back from being out together, and I said to her let's do this all again tomorrow. She said she was too busy tomorrow. And in a messing around way I said like "well, that's not good" and she went mad. I told her I was just playing, and tried to be affectionate and touched her hair and again she went crazy saying she isn't some kind of animal.

 

As you can see, this is beyond silly! I'm not sure people could even believe this, but that is exactly what happened. Over 3 years together and that was the end?

 

No cheating, no talking to others, not even looking at other females. Just that silly little thing above. Madness.

 

It is hard to let other women in now, but it's a vicious circle. They think you're not really interested if you put up a defence. But how do you take down this defence that shows you are interested without risking them messing you around.

[corazoncito]

And regarding the joke, I could think that if I never said it, we might still be together. But I refuse to regret saying it. I don't think I did anything wrong.

 

It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. From what you've written, she sounds like she was unhappy (which may not have had anything to do with you), angry, was looking for any excuse to get out the relationship, and doesn't know how to express herself respectfully to other people. Is she a lot younger than you?

 

It is hard to let other women in now, but it's a vicious circle. They think you're not really interested if you put up a defence. But how do you take down this defence that shows you are interested without risking them messing you around.

 

I know you want to move on from this hurt, but you need to do it right. You're rightfully hurt and angry right now and that's not the time to begin a new relationship. Other women will sense you're not ready and either reject your advances or beg off after a date or two. And they're simply reacting to your current state of mind, not who you are as a person. But when you've been really hurt you may tend to take those rejections at a much too personal level. Then you feel worse and the whole cycle starts again.

 

Take some time for yourself. Spend time with friends who will support you and distract you from what happened (sometimes it helps to have a couple of short gripe session, but too much of that in the long run hurts you because it keeps you focused on the past and the negativity). Mourn what's passed. I know it's hard, but try to be happy even if you don't want to be by doing things you enjoy. You have to come to terms with your relationship ending and accept that there wasn't anything you could have done to save it, you're better off without that uncaring person, and once you are healed you can go out and make a better future for yourself (sorry, that last bit sounded too touchy-feeling , but I don't know how to say it in a more macho way! I'm a girl after all )

 

I hope you feel better!

[Pher]

corazoncito - Thank you for your words :-)

 

To be macho or not to be hm!

Well, speaking of that...

 

I guess women think too macho and that's bad. Too caring and sensitive and that's weak and boring. You need a fine balance maybe?

I thought I had that balance.

 

I just wished she could have game me some warning, or let me know things were not as good as she led on. Maybe then we could have at least worked on something.

 

She is actually not that much younger, she is is just short of 2 years younger.

 

Yeah, not the best time to start another relationship but I'm not sure of what most people would think of the theory to get over someone, you should fall in love with another.

I'm thinking that could work... although maybe it would be a rebound kind of love.

 

I think I say that because 2 weeks ago a female came to me and we chatted for a while and I did feel a lot better. But I don't like approaching people because I always like to feel it is what they really want, so I wait until they come to me. And this week the female just kept walking by and smiling / just saying a quick hi. Like I say, maybe I was supposed to chase her.

 

I'm not really too bothered about that. But after that and seeing my ex with someone, it kind of got a bit much.

 

And although it would have been wrong, it might have been good to spend Easter just hanging around, nothing serious with a new female. Learning about each other, just having some fun. Instead of all alone :-|

 

Hmmmm.

[bridget_jones]

What helped me is to think that it is a chapter in my life that was nice, but it is now over. I look forward to the next chapter in my life. And this was a 2 year relationship, not just 6-months.

I don't think it's healthy to think the dumper is the "bad guy." It's just that the relationship wasn't right for her, so she decided to end it. Of course the one being broken up with is going to think they are cruel or jerks. She probably WASN'T really that nice to you because she wasn't feeling the same passion and love that you were feeling. So think of it this way, she did you a favor so that you no longer have to be with someone who didn't feel the same love and passion for you and was just going through the motions.

[Pher]

bridget jones - Thank you. But hmm, I'm not sure who the 6 months relationship was aimed at. Mine was 3 years and 2 months.

 

I don't think she is the bad guy because of simply finishing with me. Yeah, that would have been tough for her to just tell me, but at least I would have respected her for that.

 

I think she is the bad guy becausen of how she went about it all. Looking for any little excuse, saying she was tired of going out and wanted to stop in and as soon as we split she is out all over. Surely these are just cowardly lies.

 

I just don't get if you are with someone for a few years, even if you fall out of love with them how you could be so nasty. She could have just treated me like a friend?

For me, if I fell out of love with someone I'd think of when I did love them and all the times we have shared together and then try to be gentle with them.

 

Or maybe it just doesn't work like that.

[corazoncito]

Yeah, not the best time to start another relationship but I'm not sure of what most people would think of the theory to get over someone, you should fall in love with another.

I'm thinking that could work... although maybe it would be a rebound kind of love.

 

I think I say that because 2 weeks ago a female came to me and we chatted for a while and I did feel a lot better. But I don't like approaching people because I always like to feel it is what they really want, so I wait until they come to me. And this week the female just kept walking by and smiling / just saying a quick hi. Like I say, maybe I was supposed to chase her.

 

I'm not really too bothered about that. But after that and seeing my ex with someone, it kind of got a bit much.

 

And although it would have been wrong, it might have been good to spend Easter just hanging around, nothing serious with a new female. Learning about each other, just having some fun. Instead of all alone :-|

 

Hmmmm.

 

I think "falling in love" to get over a lost love is not a good idea. If you feel strongly about someone before you've healed from the breakup with your ex, and things don't work out with the new GF, you'll end up feeling the new heartbreak piled on top of the old one you still haven't recovered from. But getting out and getting to know other people, like you said, nothing serious, no expectation other than just having fun, IS a good way to get over her.

 

Take it slow. When you're ready, you can work on trying harder to approach women. I know it's not easy and I give props to men for having to make the effort more often than women (I know I'd make a really bad guy in that respect. ). I think it makes sense that you want to have a clue that the woman is interested. But, if she's talking to you, saying "hi" and smiles when she sees you, and giving you openings to approach her, those are signs she's potentially interested. And even if she turns you down, she's just one woman. You have to not take it personally (there could be a million reasons she said no that have nothing to do with you ). And just because something doesn't turn into a relationship doesn't mean that a nice friendship can't develop (most of my friends in relationships met through mutual friends).

[bridget_jones]

Honestly, Pher, the dumpee usually does feel like the dumper didn't use the right "method" to dump them and such. Any way she would have broken up with you, you would see it as awful and wrong of her. As far as her going out after the breakup, that is her right. It shouldn't concern you and isn't your business. It's not like she's going out and having fun to tick you off or something, she's just doing her own thing, what she wants to do. She broke up with you, that doesn't mean she's obligated to be friends with you. Yes, she got mad at one joke, but that was her way of telling you she isn't happy with you. She had more issues than with that joke she just was ready to leave. Don't focus on how "evil" she was and making her the bad guy. Just take time to heal. It'll get better.

[shockandawed]

Hey Pher,

 

Sorry to hear your story. Yes, it sounds very familiar. I was dumped by my fiance of 3 years the week before Christmas. We had planned to meet at 6:30, she called to say she needed to stop at a store first, I told her to just make it 7, she calls me at 6:35 to see where I am at. Absolutely blows her top and that was it. A 3 year engagement done over that silly crap. No Christmas together or nothing, would not answer calls, etc.. Finally saw her online after the holidays and she admits she had began another relationship. But he lives closer to her, so it is easier is all she can say about him. WTF?? The truth is she had him lined up and had met him prior to blowing up. I have a feeling yours may have done the same thing.

 

I have been exposing myself to dating for the last couple of months. Most of the time, it is difficult and early on, I was definitely not ready. But I find myself comparing less and less these days. I wouldn't jump into another serious relationship, but getting out on casual dates is a good way to put distance on your ex.

 

There are right ways and wrong ways to end relationships. Our exes definitely didn't do it the right way. Hang in there my friend.

[thatmatt]

Pher, coming from a similar situation, I think it's alright to feel angry. Although I was the dumper, it was the same story, she'd blow up about things, run away from the relationship, I'd apologize for ever and she would still use it aganst me, etc. You sent her an email, and hopefully that brought you some closure, but it's best to leave her alone now. I kept it contact with my ex for a month after the break up, I kept wanting her to "see it", to get it, etc, but I just had to let her be. I'll bet a good part of that anger is coming from you looking back at the relationship, and questioning a lot of things, because hindsight is 20/20, right? Remember that anger is just a stage, it will pass, it is part of coping and healing and moving on. I think you will find in time that that anger will pass, and when you look at the relationship, you can see the lessons you learned, and I wish you the best of luck.

[leeharvey]

Going through the same thing here too, my ex was sleeping with the other guy for 5 months before i found out about it. Exit affairs seem very common.