Thoughts on love, relationships, and breakups

[xenonsrt10]

you know love just works in mysterious ways. i am intrigued by love but fear it as well.

[Nocturnal]

Here's a question: Why do we need to find a soulmate that will last us until we die, can't a soulmate fit you for a shorter time? Let me give you an example; People grow and change constantly, and the person I fit with 5 years ago, I may be incompatible with today for various reasons. So for this 'soulmate' thing to really click, you would have to be very similar and grow in a similar direction, something that rarely happens. But if we match really well at first, why not enjoy that there and then? If we grow apart, we'll grow apart, it's just the way of things. But just because we're not perfect match at the end of our relationship, doesn't mean we weren't at the beginning.

 

I'm personally fine having several long term relationships, life is too short to "not bother" with a relationship because it may not be perfect. Perfection is an illusion.

 

When I look for a partner, I don't think to myself "do I want to spend the rest of my life with this person?" because that's a totally irrational goal. I have no idea what will happen from now until the end of my days, so I can't promise myself that I will or won't. The only thing I can ask myself is: "Do I want to be with this person now?" Because that's really all that currently matters.

 

As for fights, one of the major reasons one doesn't fight with friends as opposed to partners is twofolded, for one; you're not as emotionally invested in friends to the same degree. Even though you love your friends, and they love you, it's not the same type of love and one that doesn't quite hold your heart in your hand so small comments or situations is easily to brush off. Second part of it is that a friend is much more casual, you don't have the same type of responsibility towards your friends and your friends don't expect as much from you. I suppose that's a big one, one people say they love their partners unconditionally, I think most people love their friends much more unconditionally. You usually love your partner within certain conditions, rules and guidelines as to avoid hurting the other.

[LoveLace]

I believe in "soul mates"...but it's a rare thing to actually encounter, it seems. "True love" is probably the closest that most can get to it. And even then, there will always be an issue somewhere in there, no matter who you are. But sometimes "issues" don't come to the surface until the couple has been together for years. Most of the time, though, I think are several issues, but they may not come to light all at the same time. They are sporadic, and a couple either chooses to smooth it out or see it as a good enough reason to split.

 

As someone stated above, living with someone is way different than relationships with our friends, whom of which we only see maybe a couple X a week at the absolute most, talk on the phone often, some friends go months without seeing each other. And friends do get into arguments, as well...sometimes only 1once in a lifetime, sometimes as often as a bickering married couple.

 

ALL relationships are work, including friendships, romantic relationships, even a relationship with your mother can be work!! Even in a "good" relationship, it takes work to maintain it, to value the other person in the way that is needed to keep that particular relationship afloat. But romantic relationships are the most work, because you are choosing to commit to each other, and this alters your life in ways...not as many nights out with the girls, etc...any kind of major change requires adjustment. You adjust to living together, being married, etc, and I think the amount of adjustment takes can be different for everyone.

 

I see nothing wrong "working on things", or "trying to work things out"....people might do this because they are "settling", but others might do it also because, well they actually love each other, don't want to lose each other, and believe their love is strong enough to somehow conquer what ever threatens their bond. I personally think every problematic relationship deserves "working on it" more than just throwing your hands up and walking away.

 

I know a couple that's been married 10 years, and they've been through hell: seperation, affairs, verbal abuse, etc.....both the man and woman were at blame. But now, they are stronger than ever and more in love with each other than they have ever been. But a few years ago, it looked as though they were hanging by a thread and most people thought a divorce would come at any second. Many, many people would easily divorce in a situation like theirs used to be. Which is fine. But for all they know, their marriage could have turned out almost perfect like the one I just spoke of.

 

Passion is a temporary, euphoric feeling that usually accompanies the beginning of a relationship and tends to define "falling in love". After a while, people don't feel the "passion" anymore, and think they have fallen out of love or that it's "just not there" anymore. We need to accept that it's like "chasing the ghost" (this is phrase for drug addicts- they keep doing the drug over and over to feel as great as they did the 1st time they did it)....we will probably never feel the passion as much as we did in the beginning. It takes WORK to create more passion, and get it as close to the original feeling as you can. If we used a decline in passion to quit every relationship, we would never find our lifetime partner!

 

We argue because when you live with someone, there is more to argue about, period...money, kids, jobs, schedules, etc; it is true that some couples argue way too much, but if they still claim to love each other without even "working" on the problem, then so be it!

 

Also, not everyone requires all of the components that most of us perceive as "true love". Some couples might be perfectly happy without frequent, unbelievable sex. Maybe their "passion" comes in a different form...like the fact that they love to go to the movies together (bad example but just an example)..and can't imagine sharing that with someone else.

 

In abusive situations, etc, major issues like that tend to get too out of hand and counseling is unsuccessful, etc. I think some issues should bluntly mean to split the hell up and find someone else. But for the most part, if the two still claim that "love" is there, the relationship deserves some patching attention, no matter what.

 

I believe soul mates exist but it doesn't mean there is 1 for everybody. I say this in the assumption that "love" is not as extreme but is definitely easier and more common to find. Some are not even lucky enough to get THAT far. I'm 30 years old and still haven't even found "love".

[Trialbyfire]

When you're a passionate couple, you have stronger emotions, thus tend to fight more. If you're in a friendship, you don't feel so intensely about issues.

[alphamale]

Well, I'm open to being contradicted by people who are still 100% happy after being together for a long time, like 10 years+. So far I've only really met 2 couples who I'd say fit that description, and they both said they didn't feel like it was "work" to stay together. But yeah, I guess it's possible that others have a good relationship and sometimes it needs more effort.

every couple's definition of "work" will be different. maybe to some its not considered work

[sunshinegirl]

Serial Muse wrote:

I think one reason that there are more arguments in relationships than in friendships is that it's a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. What I mean is, people just attach far more importance to relationships - they worry about finding "The One," "The Soulmate" - and I think that means that they become far more harsh on their partner than they ever would on their friends. We expect more from our partners because we want them to be perfect for us, because we're imagining a future that might be intricately entwined with another person.

 

To take this a bit further, if my partner sucks with money/is a slob/is a perfectionist/hates animals/loves animals/whatever, that will affect me very directly. If my friend sucks with money, so what? It's their life. It might affect me, but only at the edges of my life, and/or within limits (that I set). As other posters wrote, the stakes are just much higher with an SO than with a friend. You can't/don't have the same boundaries with them as you do with friends. Hence, in general, more arguments.

 

I believe the marriage researcher John Gottman says that all couples have perpetual arguments and that the fact that a couple never resolves some of them doesn't necessarily mean they have a crap marriage. But I do think he recommends that the "positive/good" interactions between spouses outnumber the "negative/bad" ones by something like 5 to 1.