allina Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 You will continue to grovel for this guy as long as you remain in contact, even as his friend. He has always understood this. He knows that he can get away with virtually anything in your "relationship". He is already devaluing you by dating others (doesn't care what you think), and I suspect he could get away with cheating on you. And you will still be his friend and confidant, if not his lover, because well gosh, he is just soooo "perfect". He understands the dynamic of your relationship very well and holds all the cards here. Every last one of them. He knows he has a doormat on his hands. Guys know this just as women know this. And believe me, he knows it. He uses you. And you allow it, because he is soooo "perfect". Here is how his mind works. When you guys are out together, he knows he is out with a woman who simply worships the very ground he walks on. He just has to be his perfect self. And he knows he is indifferent to you, and you are okay with that. He knows that he is dating (with no consequences), and you aren't. He knows you Can't because you're too broken up about things to date anyone but him. He also knows that you know he is dating, so he doesn't feel guilty about sneaking around. He told you he would date and you reluctantly accepted it. And the above is one of the most demeaning positions that a woman can put herself in. I think that is why many women react strongly to these threads.
stace79 Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 So why do women act this way? I am in a similar position, or have been for the past 6-8 months. I don't think I lack self-esteem. I'm a very attractive person, inside and out, successful, well-educated, career-oriented. I'm a nice person, I like helping others and making people laugh. I go out of my way to help people in need if I am able. Why do women like me find themselves so drawn to a man who treats her this way? Time for psychobabble.
allina Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 So why do women act this way? I am in a similar position, or have been for the past 6-8 months. I don't think I lack self-esteem. I'm a very attractive person, inside and out, successful, well-educated, career-oriented. I'm a nice person, I like helping others and making people laugh. I go out of my way to help people in need if I am able. Why do women like me find themselves so drawn to a man who treats her this way? Time for psychobabble. I don't know, if anyone out there did they could sure save a lot of heartache and drama. I think these feelings are normal for a week or two after a breakup, maybe even a month. However, for most of us a time comes when we push ourselves over that hump that tells us he was the one and we'll never love again or find another great guy. As for the OP, hopefully she will get over whatever is holding her back from realizing that this was not even a bf, not even a relationship and that not only can she find another "perfect for her guy" but also one who will love her back and commit.
Author AriaIncognito Posted April 11, 2007 Author Posted April 11, 2007 First of all, Bendit, I wouldn't sit here and tell you to get off my threads. I did go back and find the post you were referring to, and I read my reply. While my reply to you was a bit heated, please bear in mind that I was a hurting woman being seemingly attacked by words on the forum and I attacked back. Secondly, I'll say this. Yes much of what you stated does indeed ring true. I did indeed fall for someone who was an "unavailable person". For whatever reason he was unavailable to me. Whether he didn't love me in specific, doesn't want to love in general, whatever. Point taken, he was unavailable and I am by no means debating that. Third, well you're all right when you say I shouldn't have gone back without and sort of notice of change in behavior from him. To be honest, I'm not exactly sure why I was so quick to take him back, other than having a really strong connection with him. I do fear that connection cannot be replaced, but I'm hopeful that it is. You are also all right by saying the only way I will break this addiction (and yes I also agree that i'm addicted - addicted to how I felt when things were good between us - the closeness of it all, and all that) is to go completely NC. And so far, so good. I realize a few days isn't much, but it's a start. I've already minimized some things that didn't help me in the past, and I'm hoping I continue on this path. I've not spent the past 2 days crying over him, i've not even felt them all that depressed. Have I been a little sad over it? Sure. However I don't think that's unusual. Whether i'm losing a best friend, or a lover, or whatever in this end, I'm still allowed to mourn it, in my way and in my time. Do i hope that in a month i feel fine, of course. Do I think I'll be fine that fast, not sure about that. I'll be better, but I think fine will take some time. I am a caring, loving, intelligent, confident, and generally happy woman. Any man here would be lucky to have me. Someday, some man will be. It just won't be him. Someday, this will all make sense. So, to all of you, please, continue to post. I'll keep reading, good and bad. I know that all you are trying to do is help in the best ways that you can, and for that, I am grateful.
bendit Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 Aria thanks for your nice post. You sound real good. I wish you all the best in getting through this. Keep posting! You Can do a Lot better than this guy. You deserve it! regards
Author AriaIncognito Posted April 11, 2007 Author Posted April 11, 2007 Aria thanks for your nice post. You sound real good. I wish you all the best in getting through this. Keep posting! You Can do a Lot better than this guy. You deserve it! regards I sound a bit better than i feel, I assure you. i mean, parts of me is livid. livid that i've wasted a year of my life on a man that just used me for his own ego boost. I feel used, cheated, whatever. I wont spend my time describing nor defending his actions anymore because it truly is pointless. in the end, the issue is how I'm dealing with it. I need to figure out how to move on, be happy, and be healthy. I just hope that I'm able to keep myself on course for the long haul...and hope that that ellusive "mr right" will find me soon. Doesn't he realize I'm waiting to give him a shot at complete happiness? :-)
allina Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 I am a caring, loving, intelligent, confident, and generally happy woman. Any man here would be lucky to have me. Someday, some man will be. It just won't be him. Someday, this will all make sense. Now this is true, and pretty can be added to the list. I remember being in the same position 11 months ago and talking to you really helped me out, even when it was random jokes about our exs. Thank you. It's funny, looking back now I cannot understand why I missed my ex at first, why I wanted him back, even if it was for only a few weeks. Here I am now almost a year later with a man I love with all my heart sleeping in the next room. I'm so thankful now that my ex broke up with me, and I'm so glad i let it go because if i didn't I wouldn't be here right now, I would have never met my one, the right one I hope you find yourself in this situation some day, with D meaning nothing, and the great new man in your life making you glad you moved on.
Teacher's Pet Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 I am a caring, loving, intelligent, confident, and generally happy woman. Any man here would be lucky to have me. Someday, some man will be. It just won't be him. Someday, this will all make sense. As a self-proclaimed "authority" on this person, I whole-heartedly agree. She's quite the catch. I'm honored that she lets me sing with her at karaoke (I'd LOVE to do a video of our rendition of "Paradise By The Dashboard Light" - we really DO rock on that song), imagine the lucky bastard that actually winds up with her for more than 7 minutes, once a month (ahem...). :) -tp we were barely seventeen and we were barely dressed. don't start. lol
Author AriaIncognito Posted April 11, 2007 Author Posted April 11, 2007 imagine the lucky bastard that actually winds up with her for more than 7 minutes, once a month (ahem...). :) I think you're giving me too much credit there. HAHAHA. Ok, maybe not, but I thought I'd lighten it up even more. Day 3, doing....ok. Here's a quote I stole from someone once... I will greet this day with love in my heart. And how will I do this? Henceforth will I look on all things with love and I will be born again. I will love the sun for it warms my bones; yet I will love the rain for it cleanses my spirit. I will love the light for it shows me the way; yet I will love the darkness for it shows me the stars. I will welcome happiness for it enlarges my heart; yet I will endure sadness for it opens my soul. I will acknowledge rewards for they are my due; yet I will welcome obstacles for they are my challenge. I will greet this day with love in my heart. -- Og Mandino Here's to trying to do this, each and every day.
Recommended Posts