Walk Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 I really need some help tonight. please... i really need some guidance. Lately it's seemed that most of what comes out of my bf's mouth is negative (concerning me). That I need to change, that I'm not doing certain things right, that I can't even park a car "right". In reality it's not ALL negative, but his comments on the positives are few and far between. I tried explaining this. That (quote) "it would really really help me if you could try to praise me more often". His response. "What have you done lately that deserves praise?" He believes that to get praise we have to earn it. That if I want more praise, then I need to do more things that will cause him to comment. Basically if I want him to tell me I'm beautiful, then I need to dress up for him and ask for a compliment. or soemthing along those lines. His example was a couple that'd been together for several years and the woman gets new pants.. the bf probably isn't going to notice unless the woman draws attention to it. Then he'll notice and say something nice. That I need to do that if I want him to notice something, 'cause otherwise he's "usually wrapped up thinking about other things". I believe that if we love, respect, admire, even somewhat like a person, then there should be things we can compliment them on sincerely without needing the other person to have to do work in order to get a compliment. Right?? Or am I totally off base on this? That my saying I would appreciate more compliments for a while should be the same as pointing out I got new pants. My problem though... above and beyond the compliment thing... He says he doesn't understand where I'm coming from. That he just doesn't understand what I want him to do. He said he feels it would be worse to give compliments for no reason, because then they'd become fake. He says he doesn't understand what I want from him. He seems to feel I'm asking him to become a door mat or something. I don't know how to say how I feel in a way that he will understand. I thought I was clear. But maybe this is all me? My exh used to say the same damn thing. That I don't communicate well, that I don't say it in ways that he would understand. I always felt like I was talking to someone who doesn't speak english. I feel this way with my bf right now. And now I'm caught between Is it me?, or is it them? All I have are these two relationships to base my assumptions on regarding this type of communication situation. no other relationships made it past a month. So I'm going to ask.. Do you feel I'm explaining myself well enough that you understand the concept I'm trying to get across? Are you male or female (wondering if it's a gender thing)? And if you feel its confusing, what can I do to clarify it? How can I change the way I communicate so other people will understand me? And last, do you agree with what I'm saying or think I'm wrong in asking for more compliments? Or wrong in believing a compliment should be easy if your partner needs some?
alphamale Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 So I'm going to ask.. Do you feel I'm explaining myself well enough that you understand the concept I'm trying to get across? yes...but men and women's communications styles are totally different. every couple i've known has this same problem. I've personally experience this same exact situation with every woman i've been with (and thats a LOT) How can I change the way I communicate so other people will understand me? you can't change YOUR style of communicating but you can try to understand how the other sex communicates. And last, do you agree with what I'm saying or think I'm wrong in asking for more compliments? Or wrong in believing a compliment should be easy if your partner needs some? Fishing for compliments? It sound sorta self-serving. People should not be told when to compliment or when not to. Personally I only compliment when I really feel like it or when I want something from the other person. Men like direct up front communication and women tend to communicate with hints and suggestions indirectly.....that tends to cause the problems.
soulseeker Posted April 8, 2007 Posted April 8, 2007 I know what you mean Walk. It's funny how some people seem to always be able to find things to complain about, but rarely can find one good thing worth commenting on. Makes you feel like $hit. My ex was like that, unless he wanted something. Dont take it personally, sounds like he is projecting. As far as communication goes, maybe it would be helpful for you to repeat back what you hear your bf say: "So what I am hearing is...," etc. Until you guys get on the same page. My ex did this same f-ing thing too. "I dont understand what you are saying." "You're crazy." I started to seriously question my ability to communicate in general. I am six months out of a relationship where my bf was an unappreciative cad. Always complaining that I was never "inspiring enough" or some $hit. Let me tell you, in the 2.5 years I was with him, I forgot how much I liked myself. A little time and distance have done WONDERS. At this point, I cannot believe I let myself be his emotional whipping post. If you always feel like crap around this guy, please forget about him. There are so many fish in the sea it is unbelievable!!! That is something else I forgot. Life is short. Have fun.
fallendisguise Posted April 8, 2007 Posted April 8, 2007 Lately it's seemed that most of what comes out of my bf's mouth is negative (concerning me). That I need to change, that I'm not doing certain things right, that I can't even park a car "right". In reality it's not ALL negative, but his comments on the positives are few and far between. I tried explaining this. That (quote) "it would really really help me if you could try to praise me more often". His response. "What have you done lately that deserves praise?" He believes that to get praise we have to earn it. That if I want more praise, then I need to do more things that will cause him to comment. Basically if I want him to tell me I'm beautiful, then I need to dress up for him and ask for a compliment. or soemthing along those lines. I believe that if we love, respect, admire, even somewhat like a person, then there should be things we can compliment them on sincerely without needing the other person to have to do work in order to get a compliment. Right?? Or am I totally off base on this? So I'm going to ask.. Do you feel I'm explaining myself well enough that you understand the concept I'm trying to get across? Are you male or female (wondering if it's a gender thing)? And if you feel its confusing, what can I do to clarify it? How can I change the way I communicate so other people will understand me? And last, do you agree with what I'm saying or think I'm wrong in asking for more compliments? Or wrong in believing a compliment should be easy if your partner needs some? I completely understand what you are trying to explain, however I'm a chic. Lol. I think part of it is a gender issue. Men and women do communicate differently, but I also think this ties into his personality as well. Like the way HE views things, seems to be quite different from how you view them. At least, that is the impression I am getting from this. You can't really change how you communicate. But I agree with the whole repeating what he says back to you so that you are on the same page. That might help. I totally agree with you Walk. I think when you care about someone, they don't need to do something extra to get praise or a compliment. I think that is something that goes hand in hand with a relationship. Like, "Hey it was really nice that you took the time to do this for me..." etc. That's a way of showing your appreciation and love for someone. I think when you have been in a relationship for a long time, that can sometimes be put on the back burner because some people take the mentality that the other person should know that you appreciate them by now. Which is not the case. I do think that praise should be something that is easy if your partner needs it. It shouldn't have to be something that is earned. What if you try this approach.... Try telling him that you are wanting praise/compliments because you feel like he mostly gives you negative comments and that it is making you feel like you aren't doing anything "right" or makes you feel unappreciated. And that when a person hears mostly negative comments from the person they love it makes them feel bad so in return they want to have praise/compliments so that they feel appreciated. This is somewhat frustrating because I don't know how you can tell him so that he will understand. I'm really not happy with what I am going to say next because it sounds like I am trying to tell you to settle with not getting compliments, but I'm not. Try explaining to him that you feel like he mainly gives you negative comments and you would like for him to stop or word it in a way that is more sensitive to your feelings and not so negative. Then if he can do this, start complimenting and praising him ( I hate myself for saying that right now because it's saying that you need to do the work, which is not fair to you) so that maybe he'll catch on and do the same and realize that is not something that needs to be earned, it is a way of showing appreciation and love. Because I quite honestly think he is taking what you are trying to say to another level... He's missing the simplicity of what you are asking for and being to philosophical (not sure if that is the right word..maybe it's literal..) about it. And in response to one of the other reply posts... You are not being self-serving by wanting to be complimented, nor are you fishing for compliments. You are wanting to be "appreciated" and treated the way you deserve to be treated and there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that. But, I do really hope that he understands because you shouldn't have to feel this way. It isn't right. You deserve better. P.S. Your communication skills are great! I read your posts and wish I had the ability to communicate that well. Sorry for the long post!
Starry-eyed Posted April 8, 2007 Posted April 8, 2007 His response. "What have you done lately that deserves praise?" He believes that to get praise we have to earn it. That if I want more praise, then I need to do more things that will cause him to comment. Wow, what a charmer. Sounds like a great guy and someone who'll really support you. Maybe you should consider dating a higher caliber of male.
Faith2 Posted April 8, 2007 Posted April 8, 2007 My problem though... above and beyond the compliment thing... He says he doesn't understand where I'm coming from. That he just doesn't understand what I want him to do. He said he feels it would be worse to give compliments for no reason, because then they'd become fake. He says he doesn't understand what I want from him. He seems to feel I'm asking him to become a door mat or something. I don't know how to say how I feel in a way that he will understand. I thought I was clear. But maybe this is all me? My exh used to say the same damn thing. That I don't communicate well, that I don't say it in ways that he would understand. I always felt like I was talking to someone who doesn't speak english. I feel this way with my bf right now. And now I'm caught between Is it me?, or is it them? All I have are these two relationships to base my assumptions on regarding this type of communication situation. no other relationships made it past a month. Walk ~ Go get the book "Why Men Love Bitches" (don't be put off by the title - it's just a marketing ploy). Read the chapter "Dumb Like a Fox" and follow her advice. Believe me, it's smart, it's simple, and it works. Everybody's happy. Totally win-win for you and for him.
Trialbyfire Posted April 8, 2007 Posted April 8, 2007 Women and men do think differently. Women automatically nurture, men are accustomed to being nurtured. Is this right? Nope. You have to be direct with your communication of needs. No dancing around the issue. [pet peeve time=tbf] Do I look like your mother? Can men not be responsible to uphold their 50% of the relationship without being given a step-by-step guide? [/pet peeve over]
mental_traveller Posted April 8, 2007 Posted April 8, 2007 I believe that if we love, respect, admire, even somewhat like a person, then there should be things we can compliment them on sincerely without needing the other person to have to do work in order to get a compliment. Right?? Or am I totally off base on this? That my saying I would appreciate more compliments for a while should be the same as pointing out I got new pants. So I'm going to ask.. Do you feel I'm explaining myself well enough that you understand the concept I'm trying to get across? Are you male or female (wondering if it's a gender thing)? And if you feel its confusing, what can I do to clarify it? How can I change the way I communicate so other people will understand me? And last, do you agree with what I'm saying or think I'm wrong in asking for more compliments? Or wrong in believing a compliment should be easy if your partner needs some? You are 100% clear, I know exactly what you mean. If someone loves you, or is even just really into you, then they will find it easy to compliment you, because there are *lots of things they like about you*. It only becomes hard to compliment, when you no longer can think of much that you like about someone. I know exactly this situation. It's not because he's a man, it's because he's a man who is no longer that into you. When I've been seeing someone and the spark has gone, I don't compliment her, because I'm thinking about their bad points that are annoying me, and the good points aren't standing out as much. IMO this guy doesn't love you, he doesn't even really respect you. Remind me again why you are with him??
Starry-eyed Posted April 8, 2007 Posted April 8, 2007 It's not because he's a man, it's because he's a man who is no longer that into you. When I've been seeing someone and the spark has gone, I don't compliment her, because I'm thinking about their bad points that are annoying me, and the good points aren't standing out as much. IMO this guy doesn't love you, he doesn't even really respect you. Remind me again why you are with him?? Ding ding ding! We have a winner! That is exactly what I think. Sorry, Walk, no offense intended, but you deserve someone who sees the numerous cool things about you.
Author Walk Posted April 8, 2007 Author Posted April 8, 2007 Thank you for the really great replies. When he got home last night we talked. I used the example of the love bank idea.. and he seemed to understand that. That with all the negative words, I didn't feel like he loved me at all. And if he doesn't love me, then I definitely didnt' want to be there. It seems ludicrous to me to waste time arguing if all he wants is for me to leave. Which he was very adamant wasn't the case. And he recognizes that our relationship has many bad points and not enough good, and says he's willing to make changes for the relationship if we can come up with ways that will help the relationship. But we were both so tired by that point that I called a break, and we agreed to talk about it later. Then he snuggled with me for a while, and fell asleep. Which is something he isn't normally prone to do. He's not the touchy feely type, which is usually fine with me 'caues I'm not that way myself.. but it was an obvious attempt on his part to show affection. I'll write more later, and respond to the posts you guys made. Gotta meet with the family today though. Thank you again for the replies. I really need to think about things, and about what I want and need in my life, and what to change to make it happen.
xsmlamx Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 I know what you mean Walk. It's funny how some people seem to always be able to find things to complain about, but rarely can find one good thing worth commenting on. Makes you feel like $hit. My ex was like that, unless he wanted something. Dont take it personally, sounds like he is projecting. As far as communication goes, maybe it would be helpful for you to repeat back what you hear your bf say: "So what I am hearing is...," etc. Until you guys get on the same page. My ex did this same f-ing thing too. "I dont understand what you are saying." "You're crazy." I started to seriously question my ability to communicate in general. I am six months out of a relationship where my bf was an unappreciative cad. Always complaining that I was never "inspiring enough" or some $hit. Let me tell you, in the 2.5 years I was with him, I forgot how much I liked myself. A little time and distance have done WONDERS. At this point, I cannot believe I let myself be his emotional whipping post. If you always feel like crap around this guy, please forget about him. There are so many fish in the sea it is unbelievable!!! That is something else I forgot. Life is short. Have fun. I'm new 2 this so dont really no wot i'm doin! jus read the last paragraph & somethin felt very familiar! I'm only 17 & with my boyfrnd 1year! at da start he woz so in love wit me but i jus likd him! as da year went on i fell more in love wit him wile he woz da opposite! now i'm stuck & wudnt b able 2 live witout him & he know's dat so he treats me lik s**t! everytime we r wit his frnds he says stuff lik "i treat u lik a queen!" and makes me out 2b a horrible person 4 sum strange reason! I used 2b so strong & independnt but now i feel lik my world is fallin apart & i'm not da same person! i lost nearly all my frnds & 1 of my best frnds is my sistr who jus movd across da world so hav no1! I tink he does love me but jus doesnt show it anymore! We need time apart but i cant trust him! i no its not a healthy relationship but 4 for reason i dont want 2 leave it coz i still tink he can change!
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