Feel like I'm stuck

[Sadcakesleo]

Has anybody ever felt this way in a relationship?

 

I've been dating my gf for three years and we have an apartment and two dogs together. Lately I have been feeling like she is just my roomate and nothing more. we barely go out(we don't have alot of friends). We used to be very intimate but now we are not. She is not very loving at all anymore. I just feel like its ending but I want to save it but can't. We have two dogs we love very much and if we break up I cannot afford the apartment by myself. I want to talk to her about what I'm feeling but evertime I say something she gets mad and says I am acting stupid.

 

I feel like my arms are tied behind my back and I have to accept things the way they are. I want to work it out but If I can't then I don't know what to do, because of the apartment, dogs, and the fact I really don't have friends anymore. assuming she is not seeing someone else what can I do to get myself better either with her or without her? Can our relationship be saved?

[Island Girl]

You are going to have to talk to her about it at some point.

 

But you can make changes for yourself that may help the relationship too.

 

You can reach out to people around you - guys - to try to get an outside life going.

 

It just sounds like both of you are stuck in a rut. So it could help if there was some outside life for the two of you - each of you - but it can start with you.

 

A friend of mine went through this. She was saying her husband had changed and he wasn't doing things he used to do.

 

I asked her if she was doing the things she used to do. She used to pack notes in his lunch and other little things like that.

She admitted that she wasn't doing any of it anymore.

 

My point was that it only takes one person to put an effort in and warm the other person's heart.

 

Have you tried doing special things for her and letting you know that you care about her?

 

If you want to be back "in it" and you want her to be as well, bring some romance back into it.

 

Start doing the kind and simple gestures you used to do without thinking about it.

 

If you don't see an improvement on her side after a little while she'll at least be more amenable to your relationship discussion.

[whichwayisup]

Why don't you two have other friends? Is it possible that you're spending too much together in the apartment, relying on eachother for every need. People need friends, your partner can't fulfill EVERY need.

 

Make plans and surprise her! Rent a nice hotel room downtown, have a spa day planned, with massages and facials...Pamper her, bring her roses, romance her and reconnect sexually and on that intimate level.

 

Also, you both should be able to talk openly about the relationship - That is part of the responsibility of being in one - To be able to discuss things, and really listen to eachother...

[Sadcakesleo]

thanks for the advice.

 

I know we should spend more time with friends but lately my friends have changed and I feel like we don't have anything in common, also to give a little insight in our relationship, she was battling depression for awhile, she would breakdown and cry at work, or she would breakdown to me about work. She really does not like her job but she hasnt tried to leave no matter how much she said she wants out.

 

In the entire three years we broke up once because she felt like I wasn't giving her what she wanted. I told her I would do anything to get her back and she took me back. I feel now she takes advantage of that because she asks me to do almost everything and whenever I try to tell her how I feel she says I'm just going back to my old self and says maybe it won't work out.

 

I hate it, I want to have a normal talk without it leading to threats. I feel like I don't know how to do that. truthfully I am really afraid to be single, the past 9 years I have probably been single for like 3 months, I feel like i'm a loser or something if I don't have a gf. Like I was saying before I just feel really stuck.

[Island Girl]

If you feel like you have really grown away from your other friends and there is no possibility of reconnecting with more time, etc. Then do need to make some more friends. That's on your agenda. --

 

Also - the job thing. Have you encouraged her to post her resume and just see what is out there? She doesn't need to do the looking - recruiters do search as well.

 

As far as the break up and her taking advantage -- I think she is too. And I think it is unfair to just say you are going back to your old self without any type of actual conversation about how you are feeling.

 

I am a woman - and a master manipulator. As such -- when she said that I'd say, "so you don't care how I feel?" or "I'm not worth being listened to?"

That would be enough to start the back peddling and get a more even playing field so to speak.

 

I would hate it too. I seriously would. I hate that "Maybe it won't work out" because to that I say (I feel like screaming it) "there's no maybe about it if you act THAT way. That you have no involvement and could take it or leave it. We are both in this relationship. If we are both really IN then it will work because of both of our efforts but if one person is on the fence or not willing to put in any effort then You're right -- maybe it won't. In fact it probably won't."

 

UGH. How frustrating.

[Sadcakesleo]

Yes it is very frustrating. I feel like I lost my marbles because I allow her to say stuff like that. It's because I'm afraid if we break up I am going to be alone forever. I honestly don't know what to do, I want to have a talk with her but it will turn bad no matter what and if we break I have to move in with my parents again because I cannot afford the apartment by myself. I know I have codependacy issues and I'm trying to fix it but it is really tough, I battled clinical depression a few years ago and I'm afraid I will go through it again if we break up, I already have bad anxiety whenever I feel like it might be over. This has got to stop but I don't know how to stop it!!!