Guest Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 I am already registered here at LS under a different user name, but want to protect my identity on this occasion as my H knows my user name here. A few years ago I found out he had had a long term EA and to say I was broken hearted is an understatement. I chose to stay in the marriage and try to work through our problems and although things are vastly improved since then, the truth is our underlying issues are still present and we still have problems between us. I tried my best, read everything I could on the subject and hoped that he would do the same, but as is usual my H has done very little other than maybe tolerate living with me during the aftermath of our DDay. By January of this year I had exhausted myself and was worn out with it. I suppose I resigned myself to the situation and accepted that things were as good as I could ever expect them to be. About 6 weeks ago I was approached by text by someone in the entertainment business. Forgive me if I cannot elaborate on either his profession or the circumstances in which he came to have my phone number. I am still none the wiser as to whether this initial contact from him was a mistake, as he says, or deliberate, as I believe, but whatever the reason we ended up exchanging texts on the matter he had raised in his first one which were truthfully innocent and above board. However, the texts continued, more or less daily, and have continued ever since. They are no longer impersonal and have developed into quite meaningful, emotional, personal and sometimes sexual interactions. We talk on the phone 2 or 3 times a week and finally met each other for the first time last week for a meal and a few drinks. We were friendly but not at all romantic with one another and exchanged a hug and a kiss (a peck) when we parted company. He has never been married and knows I am married but thinks I have separated from my husband recently, which isn’t true. Yes, what a liar I have become. I am lying to my H or at least deceiving him, and have lied to this OM about my marital status. The OM doesn’t want a relationship with me at the moment and due to his work commitments is away fairly regularly so the relationship, if that’s what it’s called, between us doesn’t intrude on family time as much as it could do otherwise. I don’t know where it’s going or what will happen but do you know what? I don’t really care. I’m having fun. It’s enjoyable and exciting. This man approached me and I have chosen not to turn away as I always have done in the past. He’s not particularly attractive physically but right now that’s not important, as a person he is very attractive indeed. I have no designs on one day becoming seriously involved with him but then again, I don’t rule it out as a possibility either. I’m not planning on having sex with him but I can’t pretend the thought hasn’t crossed my mind, several times a day. I can see now why my husband enjoyed having an EA now. I don’t blame him. The flirting, ego boosts, excitement and pleasure I am getting from this OM have cheered me up no end! I may sound flippant and callous and maybe I am? But I am aware of the risks I am taking and am prepared to take them. If my H finds out and leaves me I’ll have to live with it. This isn’t about revenge or retaliation, it’s about me. I know it’s wrong, I know I’m now as much of a low life as my H is and I am ashamed of myself, although only moderately. I feel more guilty about lying to the OM actually, but being who he is I am sure he isn’t short of admirers and willing females and for all I know may be communicating with other women in the way he is with me as well or even be in a serious relationship himself? Who knows? If we become closer in time and my feelings for him develop I may end my marriage of my own volition so that I am free to be in a relationship with him. I don’t know. Time will tell. I wanted to post this thread though so that you can see how things can change, people can change. I hope if any of you know who I really am you don’t judge me too harshly, but I realize I’m in for some stick from quite a few of you!
Frances Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 He has never been married and knows I am married but thinks I have separated from my husband recently, which isn’t true. Yes, what a liar I have become. I am lying to my H or at least deceiving him, and have lied to this OM about my marital status. The OM doesn’t want a relationship with me at the moment and due to his work commitments is away fairly regularly so the relationship, if that’s what it’s called, between us doesn’t intrude on family time as much as it could do otherwise. I don’t know where it’s going or what will happen but do you know what? I don’t really care. I’m having fun. It’s enjoyable and exciting. This man approached me and I have chosen not to turn away as I always have done in the past. He’s not particularly attractive physically but right now that’s not important, as a person he is very attractive indeed. I have no designs on one day becoming seriously involved with him but then again, I don’t rule it out as a possibility either. I’m not planning on having sex with him but I can’t pretend the thought hasn’t crossed my mind, several times a day. I can see now why my husband enjoyed having an EA now. I don’t blame him. The flirting, ego boosts, excitement and pleasure I am getting from this OM have cheered me up no end! I may sound flippant and callous and maybe I am? But I am aware of the risks I am taking and am prepared to take them. If my H finds out and leaves me I’ll have to live with it. This isn’t about revenge or retaliation, it’s about me. I know it’s wrong, I know I’m now as much of a low life as my H is and I am ashamed of myself, although only moderately. I feel more guilty about lying to the OM actually, but being who he is I am sure he isn’t short of admirers and willing females and for all I know may be communicating with other women in the way he is with me as well or even be in a serious relationship himself? Who knows? If we become closer in time and my feelings for him develop I may end my marriage of my own volition so that I am free to be in a relationship with him. I don’t know. Time will tell. I wanted to post this thread though so that you can see how things can change, people can change. I hope if any of you know who I really am you don’t judge me too harshly, but I realize I’m in for some stick from quite a few of you! Read over what you have written. Are you sure its not revenge? Sounds a bit like it to me. I do not blame you I feel like doing something like it myself but where will it end. You are saying hang the consequents now but will you later. Why is he not looking for a relationship now, perhaps he is lying.
whichwayisup Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 You need to decide what you want. Fix your marriage, or live in a lie. Eventually it will catch up to you - Some day your H will find out and HE is going to see your affair with OM as a revenge affair. Two wrongs don't make a right....I know you know that though. Look, it's obvious that your needs are not being met by your H, him not making the marriage better, or trying to make you happy. The OM is not the answer, maybe in the short term because the OM makes you happy, but it's a selfish happy on the expense of TWO men, not just one. You're leading on OM, omitting the truth and you're lying to your H. YOU have a say in how your life is going to BE right now. As usual, I'm going to suggest one on one counselling - It will help sort you out... If you don't make the changes in your life that need to be done, and you stay on the path you're on now, life IS going to get worse, your health, your marriage too, will suffer even more....
Woggle Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 You need to just divorce your husband and then do what you want. Your marriage is dead if you have this little respect for him and it is obvious you have not gotten over his affair so put this dead horse out of it's misery.
hurting_in_nw Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 You need to just divorce your husband and then do what you want. Your marriage is dead if you have this little respect for him and it is obvious you have not gotten over his affair so put this dead horse out of it's misery. What he said.
Frances Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 You need to just divorce your husband and then do what you want. Your marriage is dead if you have this little respect for him and it is obvious you have not gotten over his affair so put this dead horse out of it's misery. I do agree she has not gotten over the affair but not that the marriage is dead. It is the after shock. You think you have coped and you have'nt. A little green eyed monster is still lurking around and needs to be dealt with. She needs to vent out the rest of the pent up anger.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 1. Becareful what you wish for. Basically you have said that nothing will/can come of this... you will just see where it leads. Sounds like in you wildest imagination that you know it can't won't ever be anything more but you are continuing because it feels good at the moment. What ever fills you up has the exact same potential to bring you down. 2. Sounds like an exit affair to me.
Sup Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 Guest, I hope you havn't slept with this guy, because if you do, that'll be 10000000000 times worse than what your husband did, assuming that he's told all the truthto ya. At least from your husbands point of view. I suggest that you tell your hubby of your new, soon to be squeeze, or whatever, draw up the Divorce papers, DON'T DO ANYTHING with OM until Divorce is FINAL, otherwise you would be ruining your husband forever towards the female side of the human race, now is that what you want to do to him? WELL IS IT!!?
Jinxx Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 I totally get it and will not pass judgement on you. Never say never. I sure as hell thought I never would have an affair. Just goes to show you -- given the right circumstances, everyone is vulnerable to straying.
Sup Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 Another thing, Guest, Before you you go and Ride this OM, at least be honest with your husband, show him this thread
Sup Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 Another thing, Guest, Before you you go and Ride this OM, at least be honest with your husband, show him this thread you wrote, and let him make a decision. And remember what I posted above. Be BETTER than your husband on this.
JustBreathe Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 My H and I are about at the same point you are. It's been five years (!!) since d-day when I caught him with the office mattress, then found out he'd cheated on me for the previous 15 years with prosties and various ho's and I have not completely healed. Our marriage is if-fy to say the least. Ever consider that maybe what you are having is an exit affair because you are basically done with your marriage? Maybe you don't feel the connection with your husband? Perhaps you don't even love him anymore. I often wonder if I love my H anymore. Infidelity attacks everything that is good in a marriage, you know that, as you have been through it yourself. Please do not go there. An affair is not the answer! You will wind up feeling used by this man as he no doubt has other women on the side. You'll eventually be yesterday's news. Tell your husband you are so unhappy you are considering an affair yourself. See what his reaction is. I know how you feel, God knows I think about it myself alot, but revenge in this manner is not as sweet as you might think. I know women who have done this and inevitably the affair runs it's course and they wind up feeling terrible about it. I am not going out like that. Nobody should. It is a rotten way to end a relationship.
Trialbyfire Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Your husband indulged in an EA, tore your marriage apart and now you're indulging in same with a guy who isn't interested in a commitment. Sorry but it sounds like a passive-aggressive revenge strategy, while at the same time, empowering yourself with all the thrills and chills. I do agree with never-say-never most of the time but I do know that I will never indulge in cheating. The consequences just aren't worth the quick thrills. Call me practical.
Impudent Oyster Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 This gives me such a headache. Just get a divorce.
Guest Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 I wanted to thank all of you for your replies to this thread. I read them all with interest and really appreciate you having taken the time to respond. Your posts gave me food for thought, they were showed me different perspectives and made me give the whole situation some serious consideration. I've broken off contact with the OM and I doubt I will hear from him again. I expressed my fondness for him wished him all the best but was very firm in my decision to stop communicating with him, which in fact was the third time I've done so since we met a couple of months ago. I think he was pretty pissed off with me and quite rightly so, looking back I must have driven him mad with my airy fairy contrary Mary-ness! lol I'm surprised by how much I am missing him, but I know it will pass in time and I must let it go and focus on what matters most. THere was no physical contact between us bar a peck on the cheek as we only met up with each other on one occassion. I'm glad it didn't go any further but in truth I didn't really envisage myself being able to be intimate with someone other than my H. I never have slept with a man I don't know very well and care for a great deal so it would have taken me years to get to know the OM well enough to take the plunge. Anyway, while my H adores my ever so slightly flabby tummy where our babies grew, I have my doubts that anyone else will look at it quite so fondly! lol Back to the drawing board. Thanks again
ckman Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 I can understand your position. The OM was meeting your needs that your H had neglected. You were wise to see what it was worth.
Frances Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 Thanks for the update. Delighted to hear that you are back on track. It is nice to get attention from someone else as long as we accept it for what it is and not rock the main boat we are in. Good luck
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