someguy69 Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 I have been dating this girl for about 3.5 years now recently we have talked about moving in together and getting engaged. But for some reason all of the sudden I have been having mixed feelings about our relationship. it just isn't as good as it was a year or two ago. She was the first person i ever had sex with, but she was with around 15 other guys before she met me which i think is like a crazy high number and its always bothered me but never that much b/c it was before we met and she has always been faithful to me so why should i care right? but recently all i do is think about her with other guys and it drives me nuts and it seems like everywhere we go we run in to some guy who she used to mess around with and she never flirts with them or even talks to them really but it still makes me mad inside i dont know why maybe jealousy or something. sometimes i wonder if i want to be with someone who has been around that much b/c it drives me crazy thinking about things that she has probably done with other guys. Also i have recently felt like we really dont have that much in common and i wonder how we have been together so long. its stupid stuff too like the tv shows we watch or places we like to go. I guess I'm just wondering if my feelings have changed because of all the talk about moving in and getting engaged or if we really aren't meant to be. Right now i really just don't know what i want in life. Also recently someone very close to me was hurt b/c his wife cheated on him after they been together for 15 years and it was really hard for me to see that and it kind of made me feel like if it happened to them after 15 years then i could happen to me plus she has already been with all these guys so that adds to it. Any thoughts or advice?
Trialbyfire Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 It sounds like the classic signs of cold feet. You're pulling at straws to find a reason not to do this. Sit down with your g/f and talk it out, see if you can't get some clarity about what your reservations are. If after this, you're honestly not committed, don't continue down this course. You'll only hurt both of you more.
ashlei171 Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 I think that this may be your insecurities getting the worst of you... you say when you guys see guys that she never flirts.. that right there should be a HUGE indicator of her position with you. I think that maybe you should slow things down.. have you thought about maybe just moving in together and waiting for the engagement.. maybe if you take one step at a time you won't be sooo overwelhmed. One other thing.. just because she has been with so many guys does NOT mean that she will cheat on you.. maybe she's met the one guy in her life that is for her... definatly don't be afraid of this.. she hasn't cheated on you yet right?? This could be a huge regret.. in 15 years she could still be faithful... I think the saying goes somethin like this... "Better to have loved and lost than to never to have loved at all...."
Walk Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 I think it's a combo of things. I think the wondering if you two are compatible is a result of moving from a short-term, have fun together attitude, to more of a 'life-long' out look toward the relationship. Like buying a car... for lack of a better example.. My friends car is the bomb to drive... I might think about buying it in a hypothetical kind of way and how cool that'd be, but faced with it in reality, I think I'd take a good hard look at all the things wrong with it and decide if the car is actually compatible with my life. I think that's kind of what's happening to you right now. The idea of being together long term is pleasing, but now that the reality is to make the decision.. I think you're starting to wonder if the idea is really compatible with your life and what you want. Second issue I think you're dealing with is the "other experiences" your girl has had. It could be that in the past it didn't bother you quite so much because you had the option of in the future experiencing as much or more as your girl has. It was an option, and you chose not to take it, but the option still existed. Engagment is giving up that option of ever having those experiences in the future. You lose the ability to change your mind in the future. Having a choice to change your mind is worth a great deal, and you'll be losing that if you get married. So I could see why you would be jealous of what your girlfriend had. You not only missed that the opportunity in the past, but you're giving up your option to have that in the future. It could make a person feel resentful. I guess, if I were in your shoes.. I'd try to break the issues into smaller parts, and attempt to resolve what you can. Then build off of that. Right now I think you see an incredibly complex issue and its overwhelming to you.
LN99 Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 Word of advice: Please settle this conflict of jealousy over the fact that she had more sexual partners then you...BEFORE you get married! I have a friend who has had many partners and her husband had a few. After they got married, he found a journal that mentioned some of the guys she slept with. He got extremely jealous after reading it and is totally using it against her. She regrets even keeping the journal and forgot she even had it. But, it definately did have a HUGE impact on their marriage....and not for the better. Now he is so insecure that he thinks she is gonna cheat on him. But, these were all men from BEFORE she even met him! She was in serious relationships with pretty much all of them. She has told him numerous times that she is happy with him and would NEVER cheat. But that insecurity is there....and now they are headed for divorce. He brings that up everytime they fight.. Its a lost cause. So before you marry this woman and settle down with it, you should definately decide whether or not you can deal with this fact. If you can get over it, do so and drop it. IF you can't, then I wouldn't rush into anything w/ her. It will come back to haunt you later on.
Recommended Posts