elweezer Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 My ex, Casey, broke it off at the beginning of February when things seemed to be going great. We had been fighting a lot - mostly because she had been spending a ton of time with her best friend which was unusual because she generally only wanted to be around me - but after me saying "maybe we should break up" she got herself together and our relationship seemed more affectionate and more communicative than ever before. When I ask her later why she ended it she said it had to do with a time where I yelled at her for instantly wanting to move with me to college instead of considering her own future. I have to admit that the conversation was a little mean but I meant it to help her, not push her away. Anyway, she said that she started drifting from there. Anyway. As we are laying in bed together - out of the blue - she goes "will you be my best friend?" She says, "think about it, you know it's for the best". To be honest, the details of our "breaking up" are shaky in my mind partially because I blocked them out and went into a bit of denial. In my mind I think we both thought it was a temporary thing. After we broke up I avoided her the next day and she came up to be and hugged me etc. saying it would be OK. I was pretty angry that she broke things off and I was pretty snappy for the next few weeks. She would say things like "Well, I want to get back together but when you act like that it messes things up!" and things like "this morning I was thinking how happy I would be waking up to you". Meanwhile she's spending every waking moment with this best friend of hers. Weeks later, one day, I decide to completely ignore her phone calls. I decide to take control and not be the needy one who calls and cries, etc. So, after she calls me 5 times and leaves me voicemails about "how she's worried I got in a car crash because I'm not answering my phone" I call her back. She invites me over for our Sunday night TV ritual and I grudingly agree to go. After the show she invites me in her bedroom to talk. We are playfully cuddling etc and she is being very affectionate as always. This is when *the* conversation started. She mentioned that her best friend, Penny, had made out with some girl from work, Chelsea, at a party. I finally had the guts to ask - "did YOU kiss Penny at the party?" She said no. I said "do you swear on your life?" She said yes. I said, "do you swear on MY life?" She said no. I asked "how long has this been going on?" and she started crying her eyes out. I have never seen anyone cry this much or this hard. Here I am, completely shocked and heartbroken, comforting my ex who is collapsed on my shoulder, heaving. After the comforting, she drives me home and we kiss, crying, outside my house. It's the last kiss we've had. After constantly badgering her about how she should give me another chance, I decide to go over to her house and tell her "I'm letting her go". I decide that giving her the "I just want you to be happy" speech would be the best move in showing her that I've changed and that I really want to show her I care. Once again, she cries her eyes out. She says "that's true love" and she hugs me and cries. Basically, I've told her I accept that she will be hanging out with Penny now and it's not my place to try to and stop her from doing so. In the meantime, we are hanging out like friends. We go out to dinner, she holds my hand, and we have conversations. It is like a friendship with a little extra affection. When she hugs me she nuzzles her face into my neck and often kisses my neck lightly. One time we went out somewhere and she made me sit next to her in the booth and she held my hand and put her arm around me and made prolonged eye-contact. It was the opposite of platonic, that's for sure. When we got back to her house we had a brief sexual encounter, it ended when she said "no! i can't hurt Penny like this" and we stopped. She said she wasn't mad or upset about it, though. April 4th comes. Our one-year anniversary. I write her a 5 page letter totally eviscerating myself. It talks about how much I've changed and why I acted like I did in our relationship from a psychological standpoint. It also is very sentimental and basically puts up the question - "is what you have now anything like what we have?" Essentially, I beg her to tell me that what she has with Penny is as passionate as our love so that I know it's possible to find again so I can move on. She calls me and says the letter "made her feel sad - she cried - but it also made her happy and 'feel like dancing'". She talks to me about all kinds of things unrelated to the letter - movies, etc. and I finally tell her I'll be over in like an hour. I go to talk to her and basically ask "well - who do you choose" and she said "Penny. I have to choose her because she's NEVER done anything to hurt me. I could never break up with someone who hasn't done anything to me. That's not the kind of person I am. Regardless of whether or not I have stronger feelings for you." WHAT? I ask her again - do you have a stronger connection than what we had? She says "nothing will ever be like that. I could never care about anyone as much as I cared for you. But I do know that my connection with Penny is strong. I love her and care for her a lot." So, she's admitted that she has stronger feelings for me but can't leave this other girl because she's a saint? It's true. I was pretty horrible in the relationship. She told me that I made her cry almost every day but when I made her happy she was the happiest person alive. This girl on the other hand totally slaves over her. She is kind of the reformed slut who dropped all her friends and completely opened up to Casey. She slept with a ton of guys and was essentially hetereosexual (this is another thing I don't understand) but reformed her lifestyle and probably fell in love with Casey's caring and non-judgmental attitude. Now that I recognize the things I did to make her upset, and I'm mature, I don't understand what the problem is. Our passion was like no other, even she says it after we've broken up. I ask her what she wants from me and she says to "be my best friend". I asked her if she was saying she liked me strictly platonically. Keep in mind that with these questions I told her I was begging her to tell me she didn't like me so I could move on. She couldn't answer the question saying "either way I answer will be bad". Now, if I want her to tell me she doesn't want me anymore, how could that be bad...unless she does? Hm. Anyway, Penny showed up so we couldn't talk anymore. The three of us went out to lunch and I talked to Casey the whole time, Penny didn't even talk. (That's another thing - whenever the three of us are together Casey and I talk about anything and everything while Penny remains silent, even when I try to include her directly.) What do I do with this? I've considered going NC and I didn't talk to her at all yesterday which is a first since we met. She didn't call me either though which has me worried. I know she'll call at least once this weekend though. Should I not pick up? If I do, should I tell her I won't talk to her unless SHE writes ME a letter first? I could be her "best friend" or I could go NC and show her she can't have me unless it's as a significant other. I'm afraid to go NC because she might decide she can easily live without me and completely move on. Does she want me or not though, that is the real question. And if so, what do I do about this other girl? The thing is, I think Casey is loving being in-control right now. Both Penny and I are giving her infinite amounts of attention which she isn't used to (I guess you could say she was the sidekick in our relationship). I don't know whether I need to humor her by keeping it up to make her feel good or deflate her ego to tell her that she can't keep me around as a friend.
Dubb Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 Don't tell her anything. Just go NC. Don't do it to get her back. Do it for you. She is confused right now. Leave her be and when the honeymoon phase with Penny is over that is when you will find out how she really feels. You can't do anything wrong if you go NC. If you stay in contact you can do a lot wrong. Don't let her string you along. Move on and be happy with you. Stay in NC.
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