so gutted Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 I have been "seeing" a man for 2 and half years. It has been very on and off. One of those arrangements we all have. At one point in the first few months he admitted he liked me and wanted more. As usual I messed it up because while seeing him (casually) I was looking for a marraige material type man. Now - we are talking again. He is well established and confident. I have now fallen for him due to something he did a few weeks ago. He had heard of my very bad situation with various men conning me, treating me badly etc so out of nowhere he put forward a colleague of his, that he thought was a good match for me. He said that he knew I was a good hearted woman etc. Because i respected his opinion and trusted him, i met his colleague. Things didnt work out - the guy said that even though i was good looking there was nothing there. I guess this was true and I definetly didnt fancy him BUT it still hurt hearing this through a friend. It lowered my self confidence. Anyway - this was the nicest thing someone had done for me and now I have fallen for him. The issue is he seems uninterested...........A month or 2 ago he WAS interested but I was really busy. How do I get him interested again? How do i let on I like him ? It seems that over the 2.5 years we both fall for each other at the wrong times. I know that he has seen other women ( he has admitted this) and I want him to commit to me without scaring him off.
fallendisguise Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 This is a tough one and I really don't know what kind of advice to give you. The one thing that does stand out, however, is that I think if he was interested, he wouldn't be trying to hook you up with other people, especially people he knows. Then he is going to hear about it. If I like a guy, I would not be trying to hook him up and certainly not with anyone I know. Yes, it was very nice of him to do that, but I only see him doing it as a friend. And maybe he gets the impression that you don't want to date him so because he cares about you he wants to see you happy with other people, but I still think that would be too painful. Maybe you could ask him how he feels about the two of you hanging out more often/dating?
Guest Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 Thanks - i guess that is a valid point. A month ago he was talking about marraige (me and him) then as i (again) brushed him off - i have been very busy and our timings just dont match....he decided to set me up. I think he actually feels sorry for me because some of the stuff that has happened to me (with men) is really bad. It hurts that he is probably out there tonight with someone else. I also accused him of being unfaithful (jokeingly) and he said that he "didnt know we are an item" The problem is that i now sem him a noble light because he went out of his way to set me up with a guy who (on paper) was a brilliant catch, sadly chemistry got in the way. Noone has helped me before. They point the finger and critisize - yes but never have they said, here is a nice guy we know etc. I guess i am truly humbled by his actions. I need to get in there before he gets a wife and that will really HURT.
silentcharon Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 Well.. maybe he sees you as a fwb? Have you considered this possibility?
kribby Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 But you haven't been dating him on a singular committed basis for 2.5 years... why would you get commitment from him? Why dont you try talking to him and dating him on a singular basis before asking for commitment?
Author so gutted Posted April 7, 2007 Author Posted April 7, 2007 yes - but how do i communicate this to him. I think i scared him of with the faithfull comment. Also - he has a lot more experience then i do , he has had a few live in relationships, i havnt. Also - i am really scared that he has gone quiet because he has someone in the background for him to marry. Why else would he set me up with someone else?
bridget_jones Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 You have known him this long, it is not out of line to hae a heart to heart with him. You have a right to know upfront if he will give you want you want. If he is willing, then you should expect to be married within a year. If he tells you upfront he doesn't see himself committing toyou, then I would focus on healing and moving on so you can be well and happy for meeting someone new. If that happens I would cut contact with him altogether, only talking with him on a professional level only.
kribby Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 I don't think I have any advice for you. Why don't you write him a letter seriously... and then give him a call and use it as your conversational script. Make a list of the possible ways he would respond and then write out your plausible responses to his answers... Then give him a call. You will never know anything if you don't talk to him. I wonder if you are just latching onto him because he is a nice guy or a better choice than the others you have dated. Do you truly want and love him or do you just want to try out a stable relationship? It could be construed that you are just trying to use him.
bridget_jones Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 I think the question here is more is he using her....he probably knows she cares about him deeply by now....but I was also going to suggest writing a letter pouring out your feelings and just mail it to him. Then go from there.
kribby Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 I think the question here is more is he using her....he probably knows she cares about him deeply by now....but I was also going to suggest writing a letter pouring out your feelings and just mail it to him. Then go from there. meh... eh.... I don't know... When you go out with lots of other folks in between going out with the 1 guy and you have your epiphany that he is the ONE and you never tell him.... How is it known that you deeply want the ONE guy? How is he using her-- he isn't sleeping with her... he isn't dating her... he is actually hooking her up with other guys--- OHHHH so unless he is a dating pimp-- he is surely not using her! (that was said tongue in cheek--no offense intended) She needs to let him know about her epiphany and see what he thinks. I gotta admit-- I do doubt her epiphany-- because if you know you are all in love or whatever with one guy then you stop playing the field.
bridget_jones Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 He hasn't really been taking the relationship seriously and guys pick up really easily when a woman really cares for them. I think he probably set her up b/c he was sensing her feelings of wanting more, and setting her up with another guy was his way of saying he wasn't serious about her. She said he was dating other women and such. If he felt the need to tell her that, there was a reason (to let her know where she stood.) Personally I doubt he is interested in her in more than casual dating but she has to find out so in case he does care about her more, he can act on it and if not, then she can make efforts to end it with him.
kribby Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 I agree with you-- though perhaps when he set her up on the other date she should have had that conversation with him and let him know she was more interested-- Or something like that-- Hmmm Bridget you give good advice.
bridget_jones Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 Well thanks, but I could be way off base. he might really want more but is holding off on telling her because he is afraid SHE doesn't want to be serious. that would be a good situation, anyway I hope it works out for her.
Author so gutted Posted April 7, 2007 Author Posted April 7, 2007 I think we both revert to each other when having a needy phase...me more so then him. I do like him and i think he can commit ( more so then me - as he has experience of this) but i dont know how to tell him to ditch the others for me. He told me he dated one girl ( she already had a b/f and was engaged but wanted him also - she was totally upfront with him on this) it didnt work out because she also said that she was a "kept woman" that put him off. I think he may still be seeing her for sex - as that is probably the reason they met in the first place. I dont know how to intiate such conversations given that he isnt even calling me. I think im just facing the holiday blues. My life is so "not sorted" and the lonliness over these holidays sucks. I cant bear to see others making plans etc and me stuck doing nothing. Im really down and i just walked around the shops aimlessly. This is depressing.
bridget_jones Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 I'm sorry you are feeling down. I would not want to be with a man who would have sex with an engaged woman. It also makes me question his desire to commit because if he would continue to see a taken woman, he is entering something where he doesn't have to worry about commitment because she is already taken. there is something about that arrangement that works for him.
Author so gutted Posted April 7, 2007 Author Posted April 7, 2007 Well i guess he fell for the old "mini skirt and no knickers " routine. I am waiting for his call - he has doen this before - gone quiet for months ...
Author so gutted Posted April 8, 2007 Author Posted April 8, 2007 well he did call - i missed it - i rang back ( 5 hours later when i got up) and now he has probably made his plans for the day and im left waiting...............
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