Guest Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 Hello: I have been married 10 years this May and I am going through some rough times. My husband has had a few women friends at work and through out our relationship. We have known each other 20 years and each of us has had friends of the opposite sex, with no problems for us. However, he has a "friend" at work who he has known for 4 plus years. For the 3 of those years, she was a distant friend, nothing special. In the last 9-10 months I have noticed they are very close. They either pick up lunch or have lunch many times in the week; I noticed while he worked from home on his laptop, he would be IM'ing her back and forth at night/weekends; they text message each other's phones, etc. It all blew up a few weeks ago....we were having my son's fifth bday party and he came home upset one night. He said they had a fight and that she was telling him she wouldn't come to the party b/c she felt uncomfortable after she attended my youngest son's baptism. She said she felt like people looked are her like his "mistress". So, he went out of his way for the bday party and asked her cousin to come with her. so his friend wouldn't feel uncomfortable. I was upset that he put so much energy into this, when I needed help. Why was it SO important she come??? She did come but after she left, she must have texted him 5-6 times after she left and then at 9:30 pm at night, I went outside to ask him something (he was cleaning the yard up after the party) and he was on the phone with her. I really got upset and told him I wasn't happy with this and he needed to stop talking with her. I have seen him emotionally check out from home, work more, go to the gym and not be home even 1-2 nights a week for dinner. I have seen his phone bill with her number all over the place-calls from home to his cell (when he is on his commute); calls during the day, etc. One month the bill was over $300. He explained he was just being a friend as she was having trouble at home. I told him ALL communication, except specific work stuff, should stop. He insisted they are friends and he has always had female friends. I have never felt like this about any past friends-the vibe is different. He said he didn't agree with the Emotional infidelity part, but understood he may have crossed the line by telling her so much personal relationship info, etc. I found out he is still having lunch with her in "groups". I haven't seen his phone bill again but he told me she often calls 4 times a day for work (after work???) and that he is gradually stopping talking to her. He doesn't want to make it awkward at work. Am I totally off here???? I don't want to become a freak about this and paranoid. I think it is highly inappropriate and I am so angry and hurt. Especially since he didn't just stop talking with here. Ugh!!
umbo Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 Happy anniversary Congratulations 10 years. wow I don't think you are a freak or paranoid at all. Your convictions are honorable and accurate. I think what you are seeing is the blossoming seedlings of an affair which is emotional now but could later turn physical. They are always talking and texting each other always going to lunch learning of each others very personal lives is crossing the line. But my question to you is why is this happening now. Is the marriage to routine to mundane is he overworked overstressed. Your husband appears to like the attention of this friend. Don't attack your husband your soul mate your lover but your stratgey should be how to recapture his attention reignite his passion say check Dr. Ellen Kreidman website and get the Light his fire,Light her fire marriage cds. Yes we all should invest money time and energy in our marriages. Now I know you are not the one going out with the fellows or talking with a man intimately five and six times a day or buying lunch and dessert for different men. What your husband is doing is hurting you and he needs to see that and stop hurting his beautiful bride. I think the online resources will help his clouded judgement. Well welcome to love shack we would love for you to become a member. Keep posting venting and learning. good luck
Not_That_Innocent Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 Trust your instinct. You're feeling a vibe that something's just not right - I'm sure you are correct! If he cares about the way you feel he will do what you asked him to do and stop the contact. Forget the line that things will be awkward for him at work 'cause that's just an excuse! If they really are just friends, why would the work situation be awkward??
JustBreathe Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 I work full-time in a professional office atmosphere. If a man and a woman at the office were spending that much time together, lunching, etc., I would think the relationship was inappropriate and that they were probably sleeping together. You aren't over-reacting.
Zona76 Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 I would be concerned as well. I assume she is single and unattached? If you attend a church your minister could offer you both some council. Otherwise you may need to get with a third party and see their opinion. She was afraid people would assume? Right there, she has those very thoughts.
outofdarkness Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 Hello: I have been married 10 years this May and I am going through some rough times. My husband has had a few women friends at work and through out our relationship. We have known each other 20 years and each of us has had friends of the opposite sex, with no problems for us. However, he has a "friend" at work who he has known for 4 plus years. For the 3 of those years, she was a distant friend, nothing special. In the last 9-10 months I have noticed they are very close. They either pick up lunch or have lunch many times in the week; I noticed while he worked from home on his laptop, he would be IM'ing her back and forth at night/weekends; they text message each other's phones, etc. It all blew up a few weeks ago....we were having my son's fifth bday party and he came home upset one night. He said they had a fight and that she was telling him she wouldn't come to the party b/c she felt uncomfortable after she attended my youngest son's baptism. She said she felt like people looked are her like his "mistress". So, he went out of his way for the bday party and asked her cousin to come with her. so his friend wouldn't feel uncomfortable. I was upset that he put so much energy into this, when I needed help. Why was it SO important she come??? She did come but after she left, she must have texted him 5-6 times after she left and then at 9:30 pm at night, I went outside to ask him something (he was cleaning the yard up after the party) and he was on the phone with her. I really got upset and told him I wasn't happy with this and he needed to stop talking with her. I have seen him emotionally check out from home, work more, go to the gym and not be home even 1-2 nights a week for dinner. I have seen his phone bill with her number all over the place-calls from home to his cell (when he is on his commute); calls during the day, etc. One month the bill was over $300. He explained he was just being a friend as she was having trouble at home. I told him ALL communication, except specific work stuff, should stop. He insisted they are friends and he has always had female friends. I have never felt like this about any past friends-the vibe is different. He said he didn't agree with the Emotional infidelity part, but understood he may have crossed the line by telling her so much personal relationship info, etc. I found out he is still having lunch with her in "groups". I haven't seen his phone bill again but he told me she often calls 4 times a day for work (after work???) and that he is gradually stopping talking to her. He doesn't want to make it awkward at work. Am I totally off here???? I don't want to become a freak about this and paranoid. I think it is highly inappropriate and I am so angry and hurt. Especially since he didn't just stop talking with here. Ugh!! You have some red flags...definitely...AND you said they were friends before you all M, but nothing out of the ordinary? Many times, it becomes more exciting after the M gets married...you know, the secretive, deceptive part..seems to add to the allure of the whole thing...
Trialbyfire Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 You've known this man for 20 years. Don't doubt your instincts. I think you have a serious problem. Here's an article that I found helpful about emotional affairs. You may want to let your husband read it: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14287231/
Sal Paradise Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 I don't think you're overreacting at all. I think you should tell him that he must cut all contact with her including work related contact. And if that means changing jobs so be it. After 20 years you should be the most important thing in his life, not his job or some needy "friend". I would be really concerned about this situation. It sounds to me like there is more going on here than just an emotional affair. I would be suprised if it hasn't become physical in some capacity already. I think its time for you to issue an ultimatum.
Frances Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 If you feel there is something wrong about this relationship there is. Trust your gut feelings. An emotional affair is as dangerous if not more so than a PA. I wish I had trusted my instincts a long time ago. Good luck
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