MattNZ Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 Hey guys, Will keep it as short as possible! I have been with my girlfriend for just under 2 years. We have been living together for all but 6 weeks of that (yes we moved in that quickly!). She suffered from depression for the past 9 months or so and I have been right by her side throughout the whole ordeal. The depression is now starting to clear and she is able to go out socialising more with her mates. However, with this clearing, there appears to be a down side! She said the other week that she feels like she has just woken up and found herself in a serious relationship (with a cat too which was her idea) and itsn't sure what she wants. She said she loves me and can't bare to think of life without me as I have been a rock for her through the hard times. She also says that she sees me sometimes more as a best friend than a boyfriend (due to the lack of sex resulting from her low sex drive during the depression). I suggested we have some space for a bit and try not to contact each other and she also seek counselling for some more deeper commitment issues she has had for years (were present before the depression but then took a back seat once the depression kicked in). She broke down in tears saying she can't believe she is saying all this and I am still being supporting and trying to help. She feels she is running away and is scared of making a mistake. We agreed that she moves out and we just start taking it slowly to see how it goes and see if we can work through it. That was a week ago and we have seen each other twice this week. Both times were awesome but she is still very confused. She did say that when we are together now it feels much better as we have chosen to spend time together, as opposed to when we lived together we had no 'choice'. Although, one minute she is affectionate and when I leave to give her a goodbye kiss she is not ready for it. I know I have to give her space to clear her head and I also don't want to pressure her into any decisions. I am just finding it so so hard keeping my distance and staying away after 2 years of seeing her everyday. Yesterday was the first day we have gone without bumping into or seeing each other. I know that is a small step but it wsa soooo hard!!! I really just want to go and see her to say hi or text to see how she is doing. We are meeting up on Monday (it is now Sat) to go on a sailing trip together for the afternoon but I'm not sure I can wait that long. Has anyone been in a similar situation or can offer some helpful advice? Cheers Matt
Author MattNZ Posted April 6, 2007 Author Posted April 6, 2007 thought I would also add that I have been up and down like a yoyo! One minute I am positive about really making it work, the next I keep thinking it is over. I have tried to keep myself busy to reduce the temptation to get in touch, I have joined a gym and am also looking for a new job to give me a boost. We both admit we haven't done much for ourselves as we put everything into the relationship.
Poboy Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 what was the depression about if you can tell ? ill say you two should handle this together rather than on own terms because from what you have said , she is confused about what she needs in her life and future . you two can seek relationship counselling together and work on this , you get to see each other and work on problems like a couple rather than individuals ... working on it individually is possible but considering her postion , it can lead her and possible even you to growing distant from each other.
Author MattNZ Posted April 6, 2007 Author Posted April 6, 2007 the depression came from a whole range of things. She has been deeply effected by her parents splitting up as a young child and having to live with her mother when she wanted to go with her father. Her mum would bribe her when she cried with threats of not seeing her father if she kept crying. Her ex boyfriends mother called her 'damaged goods'. She also lost a bit of direction in 2005 - we are both english but live in New Zealand. A lot of her friends left town and she grew lonely and I was her pillar and she just started falling down so I helped her back up. We have spoken about counselling (I am already seeing one for my insecurity issues from my youth - what a pair we are!!! ha) and I am all for it as a couple, she has considered it but I think wants to get her issues resolved first with a counsellor. The way we are doing this I feel we will grow apart when it is clear that we both love each other. I can't help but think it is a total waste!!! The urge to get in touch is always there and I am fighting it constantly. I know the old adage of absence makes the heart grow fonder and I guess if I am honest I haven't really stepped back - I still get in touch when I should leave it to her? But at the same time that is hard as I am so scared.
Poboy Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 ok , let her resolve her issue and you yours and then probably both together , wow lot of counselling be there with her and help each other out and at the same time , keep the necessary distance.... it will be tough initially but it improves over time.
Guest Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 Quick update and some advice please if poss! We were meant to go sailing today. I popped round to see her in the morning to tell her the time had changed. The idea was I would tell her the new time then leave nad meet her later. We were getting on fine, chatting about our weekends, I told her about applying for a new job and joining the gym so she could see I wsa not moping around dwelling about things (even though I am still getting used to the new situation). Then, against my own better judgement, I asked her how she was feeling about things....even though I asked her last Thursday! I knew it was a mistake as I don't want to force or pressure her. She didn't like being asked and said she feels pressured. She said if it is going to be like this, maybe we just need to call it quits and see how it goes. She was happy with the way things were going with the space but didn't like me pestering her. I apologised and said I knew I shouldn't have probed and regretted it immediately. She then said she didn't want to go sailing so I suggested coffee but again no good. She asked me to leave as she needs to have space and clear her head. I apologised again and said I know what I have got to do. I said at hte start of all this that I might make a mistake and it will take me a bit of time and I really don't want to pressure her. I left...........only to go back 30 min later to apologise again and say that I was happy with the way things were going and asked her to bare in mind that I knew I shouldn't have pestered her and in future just want to enjoy the time together rather than probe. I said I wouldn't get in touch and leave her to contact me when she is ready. Easier said than done!!! Now all I want to do is go and see her as she is at home on her own. I wnat to text to apologise again and ask if we can meet up. I know it is not wise!!! I pray that she is at home mulling it over and wanting me to be there. Help guys!!! Absolutely gutted that I messed up - annoyed that we can't spend what is a beautiful sunny day together!!!!
Author MattNZ Posted April 9, 2007 Author Posted April 9, 2007 Quick update and some advice please if poss! We were meant to go sailing today. I popped round to see her in the morning to tell her the time had changed. The idea was I would tell her the new time then leave nad meet her later. We were getting on fine, chatting about our weekends, I told her about applying for a new job and joining the gym so she could see I wsa not moping around dwelling about things (even though I am still getting used to the new situation). Then, against my own better judgement, I asked her how she was feeling about things....even though I asked her last Thursday! I knew it was a mistake as I don't want to force or pressure her. She didn't like being asked and said she feels pressured. She said if it is going to be like this, maybe we just need to call it quits and see how it goes. She was happy with the way things were going with the space but didn't like me pestering her. I apologised and said I knew I shouldn't have probed and regretted it immediately. She then said she didn't want to go sailing so I suggested coffee but again no good. She asked me to leave as she needs to have space and clear her head. I apologised again and said I know what I have got to do. I said at hte start of all this that I might make a mistake and it will take me a bit of time and I really don't want to pressure her. I left...........only to go back 30 min later to apologise again and say that I was happy with the way things were going and asked her to bare in mind that I knew I shouldn't have pestered her and in future just want to enjoy the time together rather than probe. I said I wouldn't get in touch and leave her to contact me when she is ready. Easier said than done!!! Now all I want to do is go and see her as she is at home on her own. I wnat to text to apologise again and ask if we can meet up. I know it is not wise!!! I pray that she is at home mulling it over and wanting me to be there. Help guys!!! Absolutely gutted that I messed up - annoyed that we can't spend what is a beautiful sunny day together!!!!
thatmatt Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 MattNZ, your situation sounds very confusing. From reading your posts, and what you know about her parent's situation, it sounds like she is definitly a little scared by commitment. Don't beat yourself up over asking her what she was thinking. Yeah it may have pressured her a little bit, but you apologized plenty, you even came back and apologized again. it's not even really a mistake in my honest opinion, it sounds like you've been extremely supportive of her even though she's confused and doesn't know what she wants. The last thing you need to to is to overanalyze things that go wrong, miscommunications, etc, because you'll start blaming yourself as the reason she is confused, which, for you having loved her through 9 months of depression and being patient with her, you have to tell yourself that it's not on you. You've been doing good at keeping yourself busy, just ride it out and give her space for a few days, and don't bring it up to her next time you talk to her, don't apologize again or anything, just pay attention as to whether maybe she's still bothered or upset. But just observe, Don't bring it up. I think you're being extremely patient and caring, don't beat yourself up.
Trialbyfire Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 The two of you "need" each other too much. It's one thing to have each other as best friends and the other to be so wrapped up in each other that you're both isolated from the rest of the world. You've started in the right direction with joining a new gym and possibly a new job. Time to spread yourself out a bit with a larger social circle. She's asking for space right now. You need to give it to her. Define with her what that space consists of, such as dating other people or not. Depending on the outcome of the conversation, you can decide how you want to address it.
Author MattNZ Posted April 9, 2007 Author Posted April 9, 2007 Thanks for the advice guys - much appreciated. The past 5 hours have been hard as it's a small town we live in and I can see her house from most points! Resisted the urge to go and visit and also text. i've been out with friends but not drinking tonight as that just provokes things you don't need!!!! As a rule of thumb - and I know every relationship is different - but how long do I leave it before I get in touch if she hasn't got in touch with me?
Trialbyfire Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 There's no rule of thumb. How much time can you tolerate?
LakesideDream Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 MattNZ, you are here on LoveShack, presumably reading the other posts, as well as offering yours. Are you paying attention? "Needing Space", "more time with friends"... "finding herself"... are all code phrases for "I have a new lover". Time to move on Sport. We males no longer have any voice in the relationship stability discussion. When she wants someone else filling the holes in her "heart" she is holding all the cards. Don't waste time trying to be a "friend". When a woman who you have been in an intimate relationship with tells you that she wants to continue to be friends, it code (again) for "just keep hanging around, I need a backup until I find the right life support system for a penis". Sad but true.
Author MattNZ Posted April 9, 2007 Author Posted April 9, 2007 Thanks for the advice LD. I'm not having blind optimism, but, we have spoken many times before and I trust her implicitly that this has nothing to do with her finding another guy. We talk openly and used to regularly when things were fine and this was never an issue. She really does have some deep issues (with regards to commitment too) that need resolved and as everyone says, when a girl needs space she needs space. I haven't really given her a chance to miss me. She has had one night off at home so far as she has been working so much over easter holidays and she said that was the first moment she had to dwell and she missed me. I've got to heed everyones advice and back off so she realises that this time I AM giving her space. Just a question of how long! I guess a week is acceptable as hard as that will be for me.
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