lightening Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Hi all I don’t know where to post this or where to get advice and I came across this site and thought I might get some good advice here. I am with my boyfriend for about 3 mths, things are going really well it’s at the easy stage, and we enjoy each others company a lot. The thing is he was involved with a married woman for nearly a year and although he hasn’t told me much about it, I know she has since left her husband and wants to be with him. He has told me that he was deeply in love with her but called it quits as at that stage she still hadn’t left her husband. Very soon after this she left her husband, just when I met him, I know they kept in touch and maybe have seen each other but we haven’t discussed it. She lives very far away so I know they cannot see each other. But the other day I saw a msg on his phone saying she would see him in a couple of weeks until then take care and make the right decision. I want to trust him and say nothing because he is a very straight forward guy and if there was something to say he would say it, we are not at the stage where we have spoken about it. I know he was very in love with her and part of him probably still is, but what I am asking is should I say nothing and hope he stays with me or am I fooling myself is he just using me?[/FONT][/sIZE]
fallendisguise Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 I definitely think you need to ask him about it. If you don't, you are going to put yourself through the worry of wondering and that could make you feel insecure about the relationship. If you were dating for 3 months and not exclusive then I would say to see how it goes, but you sound like you are in a relationship, so you have every right to know. Now, here's the tricky part. You said you saw a message on his phone. So I'm kind of thinking maybe you took a quick peek to see what was on there because you were wondering and he doesn't know that you did or he probably would have discussed it with you then. So if you tell him you saw the message, he's probably going to want to know why you are snooping and that could make the situation worse. So, I think you should casually bring it up, if you can and leave out the fact that you looked at his phone. Or ask him where he thinks you two are headed? In my honest opinion, I don't think he should be seeing her period. He obviously had a lot of feelings for her, so it isn't going to do him any good to see her. I don't see how they can possibly have a friendship without that getting in the way. Not only that, but it sounds like he may have mentioned you, since she says she hopes he makes the right decision. So that should say he isn't lieing about your relationship and cares enough to mention it. But it also sounds like she is trying to convince him to get back with her. I would just try to work it into the conversation and see what he says and find out where he thinks the two of you are headed. I know that's not much help, but you do need to find out because it isn't fair to you to have to wonder and for him to be seeing her and possibly hurting your relationship. Your his girlfriend, not her. Good luck!!
LoveLace Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 I would also try not to mention the phone. You might have discovered it by accident (?) but he might not believe that. Maybe if a conversation you have is suitable for it, what about asking "hey, do you ever hear from (her name here) anymore?" and see what he says. If he says no then you'll know he's lying...then I might mention the phone thing...if he gets mad so what..cuz he just lied to ya! I don't want to encourage trapping him, but he shouldn't get away with lying about it if that's the route he tries to take. But if he's as honest about things as you seem to think, he will mention that he's been in contact with her, has plans to see her, etc. Aks him what he's told her about you. Ask him what he's feeling towards you and the future of the relationship. If he admits to contact but not to seeing her, ask him this, "if your still friends with her, would you tell me if you were going to hang out with her?" Tell him you'd wanna know these things. Tell him you know how much he loved her so you are a little uneasy about it...he shouldn't blame you for that.
Author lightening Posted April 7, 2007 Author Posted April 7, 2007 Thank u for ur replies, well I spoke to him and boy is he honest, it seems the relationship only finished end of January a week before I met him, he has seen her twice at the beginning of us, and was with her both times. He says it has been very confusing time as when they are together its electric:mad: . She did want him back, but he told her he had moved on that he had waited to long. I asked him where we were heading and he said he really enjoyed our time together and was happy but was worried that the passion was not there, but he still wanted to keep together and he was happy to see where this goes. He says they made a promise to see each other again in a couple of wks, but he says he doesnt know if he is going to go, but doesn't want to let her down. They are not in contact until then, he says she is doing that to give me and him a chance My gut feeling is that he is waiting to see how he feels when they meet I am gutted I really dont know what to do as I dont want to lose him.
Enema Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 I can totally understand why you don't want to lose him. He's getting great practice in bed while he's having sex with her and he gets to use the same skills on you, amirite? What a keeper! It will be great to reminisce on this when you're old... "Ahhh honey, do you remember how you were having sex with both me and that married woman, then decided to settle for me?" Something for the grand kids!
Walk Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 You need to let this guy go. He still wants the married lady. He's really not putting his full attention into a relationship with you.... not when he has a date to meet up with the lady soon. I hate to say the word "used"... but in essence, he's using you. He gets to feel loved and special, he gets to make the other lady jealous, he gets a distraction from being rejected by the other lady. I think you should stand up for yourself on this. Break off the psuedo relationship until he's honestly going to put forth his full attention on creating a real relationship with you. Right now... he's just trying to get the other lady to change so that he can be with her. He wants her. It's not because you're less exciting, or less interesting... she just got to him first. If you'd been first... it probably would've been a different story. But until that other lady is out of his heart and mind, then there isn't any room for him to see how incredibly exciting and wonderful you really are. And I really don't think he'll see how great you are if you stick around waiting for him to see you. Never seems to work, not in my experience. Only time people realize what they had is when they lose it. I think you need to break it off with him until he's actually over her. Not.. on a break from her so spends time with you. But OVER her. He's not over her. He was still having sex with her just weeks ago. (6-8 weeks ago?) Have you gotten over a man you loved for over a year in just 8 weeks time? I know I don't....
bridget_jones Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 First of all, when a guy says he doesn't think he has the passion for you, that is your cue to hit the door. Why would you stick around for a guy who just doesn't feel it, after 3 months? Aside from the mess that I think he's treating you like crap, I would never date a man who was involved with a married woman. I consider him on the same level as the other woman, just as much a cheater. He is showing that he doesn't respect marriage and commitment at all. I am single, I would never entertain the thought of getting involved with a married man. I want to be involved with a guy who respects and values marriage as I do.
Guest Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 Danger Will Robinson! Why should you trust him? (1) He was involved with a married woman. (2) Let's see how honest he is with you and tells you about the phone call on his own. I doubt he will. I will also bet if you try to make plans with him when she's in town he's going to busy with work, family, an emergency, something suddenly came up. He's still in love with her. Don't forget that fact. Why are you with someone who still has feelings for someone else? I would run and not look back.
Author lightening Posted April 8, 2007 Author Posted April 8, 2007 But he is still with me right? He chose me, I know even though they are meant to be having no contact she has sent him a message but he hasn't replied, he says just wait and see where we are in a months time. He admitted that it is easier to move on while he doesn't see her, I think she is in a pretty bad way over her marriage and I dont think he can handle that.
mental_traveller Posted April 8, 2007 Posted April 8, 2007 First of all, when a guy says he doesn't think he has the passion for you, that is your cue to hit the door. Why would you stick around for a guy who just doesn't feel it, after 3 months? Aside from the mess that I think he's treating you like crap, I would never date a man who was involved with a married woman. I consider him on the same level as the other woman, just as much a cheater. He is showing that he doesn't respect marriage and commitment at all. I am single, I would never entertain the thought of getting involved with a married man. I want to be involved with a guy who respects and values marriage as I do. Isn't that a bit black and white? In many places you need to be separated for some time e.g. 1 year before you can divorce. In some places divorce is illegal or impractical due to social/cultural attitudes. So for example a woman might be physically abused or raped by her husband, she moves out and files for separation, according to you any man who dates her during that year between separation and divorce is a "cheater" (despite not having made any vows of fidelity to anyone) who doesn't value commitment.
sweetbutcheeky Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 But he is still with me right? He chose me, I know even though they are meant to be having no contact she has sent him a message but he hasn't replied, he says just wait and see where we are in a months time. It sounded to me like he is staying with you to see what happen, until he finds out what happens with her. Keeping both doors open. That's my gut feeling reading your posts.
Author lightening Posted April 9, 2007 Author Posted April 9, 2007 Right now... he's just trying to get the other lady to change so that he can be with her. And I really don't think he'll see how great you are if you stick around waiting for him to see you. Never seems to work, not in my experience. Only time people realize what they had is when they lose it. I think you need to break it off with him until he's actually over her. Not.. on a break from her so spends time with you. But OVER her. He's not over her. He was still having sex with her just weeks ago. (6-8 weeks ago?) Have you gotten over a man you loved for over a year in just 8 weeks time? I know I don't.... Why do you think he is getting her to change, he has told me he told her he did not want to be with her at the moment He also said the 2nd time he was with her was probably a mistake on his part, because he has always been faithful to one woman
whichwayisup Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 he has told me he told her he did not want to be with her at the moment The operative words here are "AT THE MOMENT." That doesn't look good for you, does it? But he is still with me right? He chose me, I know even though they are meant to be having no contact she has sent him a message but he hasn't replied, he says just wait and see where we are in a months time. Again, he's settling for you. He's already told you that the passion isn't there, unfortunately that passion just doesn't appear all of a sudden. Either it's there or it's not...And until he is completely over her - Mind,body, soul and heart - your relationship with him isn't going to last. Sorry, I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but it really seems he isn't ready to be involved with ANYBODY right now. He's leading you on, giving you false hope. He hasn't a clue wtf is gonna happen in afew months. I mean, for all you know things could go along as they are now and then POOF - He ends it with you and runs to her, realizing that he wanted her all along. It's up to you, but if you stay with him, you're taking a huge chance of getting your heart broken into a million little pieces.........He cares and loves you, but he isn't INLOVE with you.
ack123 Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 Honey You Need To Find Out What Is Going On Before You Get More Deeply Emotionally Bonded With This Guy,..just Something To Remember,..marriage Cant Mean Too Much To This Fella If Is Okay Dating A Married Woman..i Would Definitely Confront Him,..and Soon.... Good Luck Ack123
Author lightening Posted April 10, 2007 Author Posted April 10, 2007 No I really appreciate your advice, thanks, I am going to keep you all posted, we just had a great weekend, so I am just going to see what the future brings, I hate her though!
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