lightening Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 Hi all I don’t know where to post this or where to get advice and I came across this site and thought I might get some good advice here. I am with my boyfriend for about 3 mths, things are going really well it’s at the easy stage, and we enjoy each others company a lot. The thing is he was involved with a married woman for nearly a year and although he hasn’t told me much about it, I know she has since left her husband and wants to be with him. He has told me that he was deeply in love with her but called it quits as at that stage she still hadn’t left her husband. Very soon after this she left her husband, just when I met him, I know they kept in touch and maybe have seen each other but we haven’t discussed it. She lives very far away so I know they cannot see each other. But the other day I saw a msg on his phone saying she would see him in a couple of weeks until then take care and make the right decision. I want to trust him and say nothing because he is a very straight forward guy and if there was something to say he would say it, we are not at the stage where we have spoken about it. I know he was very in love with her and part of him probably still is, but what I am asking is should I say nothing and hope he stays with me or am I fooling myself is he just using me?
VinaAmez Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 No! You need to speak up and talk about it. What he's doing is unacceptable.
melodymatters Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 If you are calling him your "boyfriend" as I see you are in your post, don't you think you have a right to know if he's seeing other people ? I'm not suggesting you go on a psycho rant, but you have EVERY RIGHT in the world, to ask him where this other relationship is at, if he's over her etc. We feel like we have every right to take care of ourselves at work, in school, in the damn grocery line, but we get all shy when it comes to our minds, hearts and bodies. Thats just dumb !!! Speak up, ask, and then make a WISE decsion based on the info given. Good luck !
Trialbyfire Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 Have the two of you had the exclusive conversation? If not, it might be a good time to do so. Assumption of exclusivity doesn't mean any form of assumed entitlement. If you have had the exclusive discussion, you have the right to discuss your concerns with him.
whichwayisup Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 Definately talk to him about how you feel. He owes you the truth, and if he still has feelings for the MW who has left her husband, he possibly could be waiting it out to see what happens, and that's not fair to you. He cannot keep the door open a crack when it comes to her.
Author lightening Posted April 7, 2007 Author Posted April 7, 2007 Thank u for ur replies, well I spoke to him and boy is he honest, it seems the relationship only finished end of January a week before I met him, he has seen her twice at the beginning of us, and was with her both times. He says it has been very confusing time as when they are together its electric:mad: . She did want him back, but he told her he had moved on that he had waited to long. I asked him where we were heading and he said he really enjoyed our time together and was happy but was worried that the passion was not there, but he still wanted to keep together and he was happy to see where this goes. He says they made a promise to see each other again in a couple of wks, but he says he doesnt know if he is going to go, but doesn't want to let her down. They are not in contact until then, he says she is doing that to give me and him a chance My gut feeling is that he is waiting to see how he feels when they meet I am gutted I really dont know what to do as I dont want to lose him.
Ladyjane14 Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 He says they made a promise to see each other again in a couple of wks, but he says he doesnt know if he is going to go, but doesn't want to let her down. They are not in contact until then, he says she is doing that to give me and him a chance. Do you see that ALREADY there is a third party dictating the future of your relationship with this guy? SHE is kindly giving him her permission to explore his relationship with you??? C'mon. He's not 'The Last Man on Earth'. If he needs another woman's permission to date you... he's not even his own man. There's better to be had out there. Don't settle for less than what you deserve. This guy has already told you that he's "worried the passion is not there" in his relationship with you. That's just insulting. He's wasting your time and apparently feeling entitled to do so. Dump him. He can go slink back to his affair partner. They deserve one another. YOU, on the other hand... can do better with a partner who RESPECTS you. This guy doesn't.
norajane Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 Thank u for ur replies, well I spoke to him and boy is he honest, it seems the relationship only finished end of January a week before I met him, You are, at BEST, a rebound. he has seen her twice at the beginning of us, and was with her both times. He says it has been very confusing time as when they are together its electric:mad: . Yes, he still has feelings for her. They were involved for a year while she was married - yes, of course it's electric...the chemistry between them is what kept their relationship going even though she was married. She did want him back, but he told her he had moved on that he had waited to long. I asked him where we were heading and he said he really enjoyed our time together and was happy but was worried that the passion was not there, but he still wanted to keep together and he was happy to see where this goes.He had moved on? To what? A relationship with you that he started a week after their break-up, and where he feels little passion? He says they made a promise to see each other again in a couple of wks, but he says he doesnt know if he is going to go, but doesn't want to let her down. And why is he so concerned about letting her down? What about you? Isn't he concerned he'd be letting you down by going to visit his ex? They are not in contact until then, he says she is doing that to give me and him a chance So, SHE is giving you and him a chance? Shouldn't HE be giving you a chance by telling her that they are over and done and to go away permanently? And that's all you get, two weeks? What exactly is going to happen during these two weeks they are not in contact? What kind of chance is that? My gut feeling is that he is waiting to see how he feels when they meet I am gutted I really dont know what to do as I dont want to lose him. Why don't you want to lose him? You've only known him for three months while he's in a rebound relationship with you and has admitted there isn't much passion, and he still has feelings for another woman. He doesn't sound like much of a prize to me.
whichwayisup Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 He says it has been very confusing time as when they are together its electric I am sorry to say this, but to be honest, I'm not too sure if you can compete with that. That type of eletric feeling just doesn't up and go away - And it's also pretty hard to find that same feeling for someone else, especially so soon after a break-up. It seems in one sense you are a rebound, but he does like and care for you. IS that enough for you though? If you are falling for this guy, take a step back and take it SLOWLY. He may really hurt you, not intentionally, but from he's said, atleast emotionally, he's not ready for another relationship. The heart wouldn't be in it and you deserve MORE than just someone passing time with you, hoping to get over the ex.... I hope this makes sense to you, and I hope you really consider putting yourself first right now. HE can't give you what you want - his heart.
Island Girl Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 he is a very straight forward guy and if there was something to say he would say it There was something to say, he was with her physically a couple of times in the beginning of your relationship. Mr. Forthcoming didn't feel the need to disclose this until asked. That is not very straight forward, is it? The truth is you have been together for 3 months and that is not enough time to really know someone.
Ladyjane14 Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 yes, of course it's electric...the chemistry between them is what kept their relationship going even though she was married. Nothing like wondering if some irate husband is going to kick your ass any minute in order to make a relationship "electrifying"! :lmao: These ladies are right. This guy is using you as his rebound... which serves double-duty btw, in providing a little distance between him and his old affair partner. You know... sometimes affairs lose their sparkle when folks aren't required to sneak around anymore. You make a nice buffer, just in case he doesn't find her quite as exhilarating now that she's single. You haven't known him long enough to "not want to lose him". All you know about him so far is that he's not opposed to sneaking around with another man's wife. And THAT little nugget ought to be giving you some pause right about now.
Island Girl Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 I asked him where we were heading and he said he really enjoyed our time together and was happy but was worried that the passion was not there, but he still wanted to keep together and he was happy to see where this goes. The "passion" is not there. That is apparently VERY important to him. "He says it has been very confusing time as when they are together its electric" He says they made a promise to see each other again in a couple of wks, but he says he doesnt know if he is going to go, but doesn't want to let her down. They are not in contact until then, he says she is doing that to give me and him a chance She is really good. Really really good. The way that she put this -- that she is in NC until they see each other "to give you both a chance". She KNOWS what they are when they are together. She knows about the electricity and she also knows how important that is to him. She is just passing the time until she can remind him of that. Remember she knows him a lot better than you do. And she comes off smelling like a rose. Because she is doing what "she feels is best for him out of true love for him". He is eating that up and she knows it. My gut feeling is that he is waiting to see how he feels when they meet I am gutted I really dont know what to do as I dont want to lose him. You don't "have" him. So you can't "lose" him. He IS waiting to see how he feels when they meet. That is what she is waiting for too. She knows that is where her power lies. In the meantime you are trying to prove you are somehow more worthy to be with him, etc. That is a whole lot of pressure. You can't even really be yourself - because you can't have a disagreement or not have a good time together for whatever reason. You know she is there waiting. And the feeling is that you have to show him how spectacular it is to be with you so he won't choose her. RIDICULOUS. You are auditioning to be with him. He has already told you what he feels for her -- that he was in love with her in January and, sorry, he still is. They have a long history and are "electric" together. She knows this - she knows him - and she is certain of what he'll do. You are trying to invest your best and then await his decision between the two of you. Aren't you worth more than that? If I knew I was in that situation, I'd say good bye in a very succinct way and be done.
Sheba Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 Lightening - it sounds to me like your relationship with him never really had a chance. He wanted to be with her, she took too long to leave her husband, now she has left the husband. They have a history, and, it is "electrifying". I don't think this man could possibly be ready to give up on that relationship. I couldn't, if I were him. Don't expose yourself to more grief. Wish him luck and move on with dignity. It can only get MORE painful for you.
Author lightening Posted April 8, 2007 Author Posted April 8, 2007 Wow just read all your posts and mine too you have some good advice even though it hurts when its written down. I made it sound worse then it is, I know he has strong feelings for me and there is passion there but he is obviously comparing it to her. He feels we maybe have more of a real relationship with her it was all exciting. He has assured me he has moved on and just kept in touch to make it easier for her, he says he moved on very quickly once his decision was made. She came to see him both times. Thankfully she lives very far away and he says that when he does not see her it fades for him. She has text but he hasn't text her back. About meeting up with her again, he just says lets just wait and see where we are its not for another month.
LakesideDream Posted April 8, 2007 Posted April 8, 2007 From a male point of view.. Let this guy go! He waited a very long time for this woman to get out of her marriage. That can be a lonely place believe me. Dollars to penny's he's going to give this woman a "chance" before he moves on, if he does. In the meantime you are a "back up". The fact that he's "been with her" twice while you were with him is enough to tell you he's still interested in her.. the "electric" part is icing on the cake. Oh.. and don't let the distance fool you. That's why airlines and credit cards were invented. I speak from experiance, from both angles, as a Victimizer (of the MW's hubby) and as a victim. It's a sad situation, save yourself the pain.
bridget_jones Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 If she was coming to visit him twice within the last few months, he was a willing part of her visit. He could have just said "You know, I am dating someone special now (you) and I don't think it's a good idea if you visit." No, they were communicating and he WANTED her to come. He's not over her. She's far away and he can only see her periodically. In the meantime he has you to fulfill his (sexual) needs. In the end, when he chooses her, he can guiltlessly tell you "well, you knew I was still involved with her and about the electricity and such." Also I think the electricity and passion he has with her is probably the fact she is married and that presents an exciting challenge for him. With you, you are completely available so that is not as exciting. Lose this guy. He has already shown that he has no respect for marriage anyway. If he did marry you, he would have no second thoughts about cheating on you because he doesn't have that respect for marriage. He proved that by getting involved with a married woman in the first place. In fact, he already has cheated on you twice.
directx Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 Why you hanging around? In fact, set up the next date with them both and say goodbye. Exit with class.
Author lightening Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 Hi there just wanted to log back in to say things went well this week, I know he is falling for me, but I saw another msg on his phone from her saying she had booked and she would see him in a couple of weeks, he replied saying he was looking forward to it:mad:
Trialbyfire Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Why don't you suggest that you be part of this little reunion? You will know that if he reacts violently (not physically), where his thoughts are.
Touche Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Hi there just wanted to log back in to say things went well this week, I know he is falling for me, but I saw another msg on his phone from her saying she had booked and she would see him in a couple of weeks, he replied saying he was looking forward to it:mad: Hate to tell you this but he is NOT falling for you if he's looking forward to seeing this woman and is actually agreeing to see her. You're in denial. I agree with the others. He's using you. Have you no self-esteem. Dump him. He's not a man.
Author lightening Posted April 14, 2007 Author Posted April 14, 2007 I'm sorry you probably think I am pathetic, i am insecure but I am older than you probably think I have had my heart broken and something tells me this is a good man, Yeah he has a past dont we all but should I hold this against him. If he is so in love with her then why isnt he with her now?
whichwayisup Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 something tells me this is a good man, Are you sure about that? If he is so in love with her then why isnt he with her now? BECAUSE HE IS SELFISH and only thinking of himself. He is leaving the door open a crack for her...The timing isn't 'right' yet. Look, bottomline, this guy is inlove with his ex, he's not over her yet. He sees her, talks to her but hasn't decided what to do...Yet. Do not let yourself fall for him any deeper than you are now. A good man would be completely honest with you and not put his OWN needs first. He would be considerate and not want to hurt you. He would tell you HE needs time alone to sort through feelings before jumping into another relationship...He isn't ready and you can sit there and fool yourself into thinking he's falling hard for you, but his actions are not showing you that he is.
norajane Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 Hi there just wanted to log back in to say things went well this week, I know he is falling for me, but I saw another msg on his phone from her saying she had booked and she would see him in a couple of weeks, he replied saying he was looking forward to it:mad: So is this how you want things to be? What are you going to do with yourself while he is visiting with her? Cry? Imagine them flirting and laughing together and having sex? I can't imagine this is what you want for yourself. Don't allow him to treat you this way. Don't settle for half a man, half a relationship. You deserve a man who is only interested in you.
Touche Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 I don't think you're pathetic at all. I just think you're not seeing this guy for what he really is. You ask why he's not with her now. Didn't you say there was distance involved? If she were in the same town, do you honestly think he would be staying away? Doesn't sound like it to me from what you've stated here.
reservoirdog1 Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 I think any individual should be very leery about getting involved with somebody who has ever knowingly been the other man/other woman. What that would demonstrate to me is that they had no respect for somebody else's relationship, so why would they have any respect for their own?
Recommended Posts