outofdarkness Posted April 8, 2007 Posted April 8, 2007 I wasn't going to post today because I don't have much time, but I had to post on this thread. A little more than a year ago, I was right where you are now. I found out my H was having an affair and I was devastated. I didn't want to be with a man who didn't love me and only me. I couldn't understand how he could be with an OW and still (as he said) love me. I insisted that he leave to be with her and he begged to stay. After a year of therapy and re-building, I can say that I have begun to understand. First and foremost, the affair was not about me or the OW it was 100% about my H and something that was lacking in him. I agree that after kids and years of marriage, things had become routine. I admit that I took our marriage for granted and I take responsibility for my part in our problems, but I didn't stray, he did. You must believe that this is not your fault in any way. As far as the OW, my H says the same exact things that BH has said here. The problem is that the OW isn't willing to accept that my H doesn't and never did love her. She has asked him repeatedly to tell her that she meant something more to him so that she could live in denial. I would imagine that it would be hard for anyone to accept the fact that they were used by someone they loved and thought loved them. Remember that MM will say whatever it takes to get what they want. OW believe that even thought they lie to their wives, the MM are honest with the OW. I'm sure that it works both ways and there are BW who want to believe that their husbands have broken all ties with the OW and the affair is continuing. I think it's important to dig deep and look truth in the face before anything can get better. The OW needs to accept the fact that the MM has decided to stay with his wife or, if the affair continues, the wife must choose if she is willing to share her husband with an OW. Or, some serious work and change must take place. To answer your question, OW don't want to admit that they are being used by MM, they want to believe that everything the MM is telling them is true. I have no doubt that this is human nature protecting them from a very painful reality. The sad thing is, that this denial allows the MM who hasn't really dealt with his own problems to continue deceiving his wife, family , the OW and himself. As far as the OW lying for the MM. The OW is only doing what she feels she needs to in order to hold on to the MM. She doesn't care about the lies, she just wants the affair to continue. If she told the truth after discovery by the wife, there is a strong chance that the MM will end the affair and start to work on his marriage which is the last thing the OW wants. On another note, if your husband doesn't work on whatever problems sent him to an OW, there is a good chance it will happen again. It takes time and a true commitment from both of you to really look at the truth and make the changes necessary to re-build your marriage. Remember, it's not about the OW, it's not about you, it's about your husband and what is lacking in him. I wish you luck and when I have more time, I will be happy to do anything I can to help you through this. This was such a great post and I really needed to hear what you had to say during this rough patch I'm currently in...Thanks
NoIDidn't Posted April 8, 2007 Posted April 8, 2007 Boring? If only. Twenty year marriage, she had her first affair five years into it. I begged and pleaded for counseling, something. Got nothing. Trust me, boring would have been better. edited to add: please note that in no way, shape or form am I excusing my own affair by the one my XW had fifteen years prior to our marriage ending. I am just getting a bit tired of getting beaten up on these boards when I have been excruciatingly honest. One has nothing to do with the other. Your question really had nothing to do with my OW, rather why I fell out of love with my XW. Not trying to say that you are a liar or even attacking you, Happy. But I am having trouble with your posts about your M and A. You have stated in other threads that you have been with your OW and M to her for 40 years. How is that possible if you were M'd for 20 years to your previous W? I am thinking maybe you have known your OW for 40 years and were just typing fast? Sorry to threadjack everyone.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 I lied to my MM's wife. Something I'm not proud of but here are the reasons... 1) The W called on the first D day after finding some text messages on his phone. I hadn't spoken to him and I wasn't sure what he wanted me to do. She was screaming down the phone at me so I just denied everything, I think out of shock 2) She called me after that on DD2. This time she was calm. I had spoken to MM about what she knew. I knew that if I told her, my Mm wouldnt trust me anymore (yeah, I know, I'm an idiot). But another part of not telling her was that I needed to see for myself that he wanted "us" and didn't just want us because his M was over 3) It's really his decision to tell her. It's his M. It was his vows. It's not up to me to tell his W about the A that he has had for a year and a half. I feel terrible for his W. He has been separated for 7 months now and he still cant tell her even though she knows. I think the reason why he cant tell her is that he still loves her and he also loves himself - he cant stand being the "bad guy". He also has children and they figure in his decisions a lot. I.E his W threatens him with his children (I know this for a fact as it came straight from the horses mouth and isn't just another tale he tells). She wont get the truth off him whilst she threatens him. 4) He's selfish 5) I'm stupid for putting up for it all. It's a drug, thats for sure. I do believe he loves me, and so does his W suspect he loves me although he denies the physical part of our relationship. I also believe he loves his W and especially does not want her to move on with her life and find someone else. So all in all, he loves himself above everybody in his life.
HappyAtLast Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 Not trying to say that you are a liar or even attacking you, Happy. But I am having trouble with your posts about your M and A. You have stated in other threads that you have been with your OW and M to her for 40 years. How is that possible if you were M'd for 20 years to your previous W? I am thinking maybe you have known your OW for 40 years and were just typing fast? Sorry to threadjack everyone. No worries NoIDidn't... I am not a liar, but I AM old. Married to my first w 18 years, to 2nd wife for 40. I am in my seventies
Salicious Crumb Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 Boring? If only. Twenty year marriage, she had her first affair five years into it. Then that explains alot. She has given you a reason to want out. alot of people here just simply fall out of love out of boredom or the 7 year itch syndrome.
Salicious Crumb Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 sc, i think pom was serious. that post was so unlike your typical berating posts I don't berate people who are in pain...only those who cause the pain and think it is their entitlement.
NoIDidn't Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 No worries NoIDidn't... I am not a liar, but I AM old. Married to my first w 18 years, to 2nd wife for 40. I am in my seventies That's what I thought, but I didn't want to offend by asking how old you were. But I guess the way I got around to it was not better.... Thanks.
PoshPrincess Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 MS, I am truly sorry to hear of the pain you're going through. I was an OW, something I am not in the slightest bit proud of (who would be?) and thought I would give my input. Of course, I can only speak from my own experience as I truly believe that every sitch is different. What I came here to learn was , How can you continue an affair with someone who is married after getting exposed? I carried on the A because I (stupidly?) believed deep down that he would leave me for her. Wer never discussed being together until she found out and I honestly was of the opinion before that if she did find out MM and my A would be history. This was not the case. I thought that once he got caught he would realise what he had to lose and would walk away from me. At the time though, it made him more determined to be with me. Do you lie for the guy to his wife if she confronts you? And if you do WHY? If you want him so bad, wont it be more to your advantage to tell the truth and maybe have him to yourself? Do you lie because you , arent sure if you really love him and what more with him? My exMMs W found out about our A after about 4 months. She confronted me before him and as I didn't know that the sh*t had hit the fan I was caught off guard and didn't know what to say. Part of me wanted to shout "we're in love, let him go" blah blah blah, but I really didn't feel it was my place to explain. I'm not saying I wasn't 50% to blame for it all but I felt she needed to hear it all from my MM, her husband. I suppose the bottom line was that I thought if I told her the truth he may hate me for it. I didn't want to say anything to his W until I had heard what (lies) he had told her. She texted me the morning after she found out asking if we had slept together and I answered honestly that we hadn't. That was the last time I ever heard from her. He fed her a load of lies - to make things easier for us when we eventually ended up together apparently - and so as not to hurt his kids any more than we already had. I am sure I will have plenty more questions later. But maybe beginning there will allow me to understand and possibly come to terms with some issues I have problems with. Best of luck to you. I hope your H makes the right decision and considers what he has to lose.
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