I am here to learn

[MysterySolved]

I dont know if coming here is a good idea or not. But after coming on as a guest a few times and reading some interesting postings. I thought maybe I could learn something.

 

 

My husband plain and simple cheated on me. The wounds are still fresh. I continue to move along. I have three wonderful children. That brighten my day everyday.

 

When I found out about the affair I was hurt, angry. I cant even explain exactly the feeling I had. But it was and is the most worst single pain I have ever felt.

 

Going into detail about how I uncovered the affair would only bring up bad memories and pain.

 

I have read mostly about how many men deny any feelings for the other woman. And I have also read that they lie to the wife and do have feelings for this other person.

 

I dont know what to believe.

 

What I came here to learn was , How can you continue an affair with someone who is married after getting exposed?

Do you lie for the guy to his wife if she confronts you? And if you do WHY? If you want him so bad, wont it be more to your advantage to tell the truth and maybe have him to yourself? Do you lie because you , arent sure if you really love him and what more with him?

 

I am sure I will have plenty more questions later. But maybe beginning there will allow me to understand and possibly come to terms with some issues I have problems with.

[bullhunter]

I have read mostly about how many men deny any feelings for the other woman. And I have also read that they lie to the wife and do have feelings for this other person.

 

I dont know what to believe.

 

Lady, most of the people who say that the MM lie to the wife and do have feelings for OW are the OW in question. It's what they want to believe and what they need to believe.

 

I cheated on my wife and I can tell you for an absolute fact that I had and have zero feelings for the woman. When I walked away I was relieved that I would never again communicate with her, see her, talk to her or write her and most especially touch her. I didn't wish her harm but I didn't wish her well either. I wished only to never see her again. I also wished I never had seen her.

 

I almost never write here anymore because these women don't like what I say, but that saying "He's not that into you" is true for most men who see other women. It's pure crap and I know it now but I had convinced myself that my wife didn't love me anymore. I was unhappy and I was angry. Another woman made herslef very available. I used her to make me feel better. It wasn't about her at all. Any woman would have done the trick.

 

When you hear (or read) women say that the MM men they were seeing are lying to their wives and really care about them ask yourself which woman they chose to be with. I wouldn't have spent a second in that woman's company if I hadn't been unhappy. Not an excuse just a fact. If I could live that time over I wouldn't make the same mistake.

[whichwayisup]

Good post BH. Love your honesty and hope that your reply here can help OW who are looking for answers.

 

MS did he tell you WHY he had the affair?

 

I am sorry for your pain, I hope you get the answers you're looking for.

[frannie]

What I came here to learn was , How can you continue an affair with someone who is married after getting exposed?

Do you lie for the guy to his wife if she confronts you? And if you do WHY? If you want him so bad, wont it be more to your advantage to tell the truth and maybe have him to yourself? Do you lie because you , arent sure if you really love him and what more with him?

 

I am sure I will have plenty more questions later. But maybe beginning there will allow me to understand and possibly come to terms with some issues I have problems with.

 

Depends.

 

Personally, I think if my MM got caught he'd just leave. But what do I know?

 

Do you think your H is still lying to you about his OW... have you spoken to her and think she's lying?

[herenow]

I wasn't going to post today because I don't have much time, but I had to post on this thread.

 

A little more than a year ago, I was right where you are now. I found out my H was having an affair and I was devastated. I didn't want to be with a man who didn't love me and only me. I couldn't understand how he could be with an OW and still (as he said) love me. I insisted that he leave to be with her and he begged to stay.

 

After a year of therapy and re-building, I can say that I have begun to understand. First and foremost, the affair was not about me or the OW it was 100% about my H and something that was lacking in him. I agree that after kids and years of marriage, things had become routine. I admit that I took our marriage for granted and I take responsibility for my part in our problems, but I didn't stray, he did. You must believe that this is not your fault in any way.

 

As far as the OW, my H says the same exact things that BH has said here. The problem is that the OW isn't willing to accept that my H doesn't and never did love her. She has asked him repeatedly to tell her that she meant something more to him so that she could live in denial. I would imagine that it would be hard for anyone to accept the fact that they were used by someone they loved and thought loved them. Remember that MM will say whatever it takes to get what they want. OW believe that even thought they lie to their wives, the MM are honest with the OW.

 

I'm sure that it works both ways and there are BW who want to believe that their husbands have broken all ties with the OW and the affair is continuing. I think it's important to dig deep and look truth in the face before anything can get better. The OW needs to accept the fact that the MM has decided to stay with his wife or, if the affair continues, the wife must choose if she is willing to share her husband with an OW. Or, some serious work and change must take place.

 

To answer your question, OW don't want to admit that they are being used by MM, they want to believe that everything the MM is telling them is true. I have no doubt that this is human nature protecting them from a very painful reality. The sad thing is, that this denial allows the MM who hasn't really dealt with his own problems to continue deceiving his wife, family , the OW and himself.

 

As far as the OW lying for the MM. The OW is only doing what she feels she needs to in order to hold on to the MM. She doesn't care about the lies, she just wants the affair to continue. If she told the truth after discovery by the wife, there is a strong chance that the MM will end the affair and start to work on his marriage which is the last thing the OW wants.

 

On another note, if your husband doesn't work on whatever problems sent him to an OW, there is a good chance it will happen again. It takes time and a true commitment from both of you to really look at the truth and make the changes necessary to re-build your marriage. Remember, it's not about the OW, it's not about you, it's about your husband and what is lacking in him.

 

I wish you luck and when I have more time, I will be happy to do anything I can to help you through this.

[HappyAtLast]

Mystery - no two affairs are the same.

 

I am replying because bullhunter is one type of an MM, he did not care about his OW (yet, risked his marriage for someone he cares nothing about. Hopefully his wife took note of that).

 

I can't speak for other MM, I can only speak for myself. I was deeply in love with my OW and no longer in love with my wife. (To clarify, fell out of love with my wife many years before I met my OW).

 

Every situation is different. How was your marriage prior to the A? If it was strong, happy and healthy an affair is no reason to end a marriage, presuming of course that you are both willing to work through it.

 

You do not say what your husband is saying about this. Does he say he was in love with his OW? Does he want to work on your marriage?

[MysterySolved]

I cant agree with it being a good post from BH. As it might be his feelings it does speak alot of his character as a person. The treatment to his wife and also to someone else.

 

As for the question I came here to answer: Our marriage has been dead for quite sometime. I dont know who's fault if anyone. I chalk it up to maybe just not being the right people for one another.

 

I have had thoughts that he has cheated before but I believe those were only that of sexual needs. This is the first and only know to me anyway of him have feelings and a relationship with someone.

 

 

Good post BH. Love your honesty and hope that your reply here can help OW who are looking for answers.

 

MS did he tell you WHY he had the affair?

 

I am sorry for your pain, I hope you get the answers you're looking for.

[MysterySolved]

I will say this. You can not be sure if he will leave.

 

I dont believe his has lied about the OW. And yes I have spoken with her. I did and do believe she lied to me about not having feelings for him and that they were just friends.

 

I asked him straight forward questions and even though the answers hurt I could tell after being with him so long that his feelings towards her are real. And his feelings for me are more that of he just needs to be here.

 

I do believe he cares for me, as a person and mother of his children. But love or being in love with me. No I do not believe his feelings are there for me.

 

As he has said he hasnt spoken with her since I asked him not to. I do believe he thinks about her. And I see the change in him. Basically I see that he misses her. As painful is it is for me to admit that.

 

 

Depends.

 

Personally, I think if my MM got caught he'd just leave. But what do I know?

 

Do you think your H is still lying to you about his OW... have you spoken to her and think she's lying?

[MysterySolved]

Yes, I do believe every situtation is different. Our marriage prior to the A well lets just say it was and has been just there. I got PG very young, only knew him a short time. In short I would say the marriage was something we made happen. And continue because we both believe children need two parents. As I am sure he wants to and plans on leaving he would not do this with our oldest being in HS. And if I must admit I did ask for him to wait until then.

 

As for his feelings for the ow , I asked him and he did say YES. I could also see they hurt in his eyes when I told him she was to be out of his life. He has not been the same since then. I do sense he misses her. I dont know if he has had contact with her since.

 

 

 

Mystery - no two affairs are the same.

 

I am replying because bullhunter is one type of an MM, he did not care about his OW (yet, risked his marriage for someone he cares nothing about. Hopefully his wife took note of that).

 

I can't speak for other MM, I can only speak for myself. I was deeply in love with my OW and no longer in love with my wife. (To clarify, fell out of love with my wife many years before I met my OW).

 

Every situation is different. How was your marriage prior to the A? If it was strong, happy and healthy an affair is no reason to end a marriage, presuming of course that you are both willing to work through it.

 

You do not say what your husband is saying about this. Does he say he was in love with his OW? Does he want to work on your marriage?

[Guest]

To say the mm always uses the ow is crazy. In my situtation there are children involved. I know he cares about his wife as a person, but they have fallen out of love. I know he loves me, I am not in denial, nor would I stay if I didn't know this for a fact. He spends more time with me then he is at home, and I have seen his torment because of the situation he is in. Sometimes we are married to someone we shouldnt be with and then the love of your life comes along, I have been in this relationship already 3 years. Wife know, he has promised her he would work on marriage, by staying there. But we still see each other everyday, I know she knows, but chooses to ignore. So to throw every R into one bag is wrong

[whichwayisup]

Sorry, I meant good as he was honest. I didn't mean to upset or offend you.

 

He unfortunately does represent many of the MM that some OW here are involved with.

 

Also, let's not forget that (some) men can separate love and sex...Not that it's any sort of an excuse for cheating on a spouse.

[Kwo-ne'-she]

I think some of the MM honestly do fall in love with the OW. (as painful as that is for the W's to hear) For some, it is about much more than just sex, or the thrill of the chase, or the need to feel like Big John Stud again. It might have started that way, then they get in over their heads...

 

MM are liars period. While they are telling their W's that they love them, they are often telling their OW that they love them.

 

I became involved with a MM (though I had no idea he was still with his W) several years ago. He had told me they were living seperately, and divorcing. When I found out he had lied about that part, I basically gave an ultimatum. Her or me. Granted, it took me a couple of months to walk away, because I had fallen hard for the guy. But, I never lied for him. On the contrary, I told his wife (not going into more hurtful details) that he was cheating on her. I felt she was entitled to know.

 

I know that he loved me. I saw him break down sobbing many times, so torn over what to do. He loved his W, just wasn't in love with her anymore, and he felt he had obligations to his family. Towards the last, he offered to "put me up" in an apartment in his town, so he could still be a "responsible husband & father", without losing me. That was when I ended it.

 

I'm not sure why an OW would lie for him, to his W. I wasn't about to. But, I got in the R thinking he was almost-divorced too.

[pureinheart]

Lady, most of the people who say that the MM lie to the wife and do have feelings for OW are the OW in question. It's what they want to believe and what they need to believe.

 

I cheated on my wife and I can tell you for an absolute fact that I had and have zero feelings for the woman. When I walked away I was relieved that I would never again communicate with her, see her, talk to her or write her and most especially touch her. I didn't wish her harm but I didn't wish her well either. I wished only to never see her again. I also wished I never had seen her.

 

I almost never write here anymore because these women don't like what I say, but that saying "He's not that into you" is true for most men who see other women. It's pure crap and I know it now but I had convinced myself that my wife didn't love me anymore. I was unhappy and I was angry. Another woman made herslef very available. I used her to make me feel better. It wasn't about her at all. Any woman would have done the trick.

 

When you hear (or read) women say that the MM men they were seeing are lying to their wives and really care about them ask yourself which woman they chose to be with. I wouldn't have spent a second in that woman's company if I hadn't been unhappy. Not an excuse just a fact. If I could live that time over I wouldn't make the same mistake.

 

Hey BH excellent post....so what if some people don't like what you have to say....please continue posting for those who seek the truth and whom might find their situation similar to yours....

 

I realize there are exceptions to most rules, although one must look at the majority. I believe the majority is exactly what you said in this post. Botton line...if (female speaking here) a man says he loves you, he will be with you (that is the way men are) and there will not be a W, gf, SO ....it will be only you.

 

To the original post: I am so sorry for what you have been through, my prayer and thoughts are with you....

[Babybird]

I think the OW lies because she doesn't want to piss off MM by telling the truth. Maybe she figured that if he wanted his W to know he would tell her. Especially if he has already been caught.That sounds terribly stupid but we are talking about people in A's.

 

BH: That was an interesting point of view and I'm sure that there are plenty of MM out there that just want to screw. I don't think I have ever seen it put quite that way before. I'm just curious how long your A lasted and if you couldn't stand this woman why did it last for more than a night..if it did?

 

It is interesting that the OW is always told that exactly what MM is after: sex. Yet here is this woman who's H is telling her he has feelings/in love with OW and Happyatlast said that he was/is in love with his OW. Funny how most of the men that post here are in love with the OW. The other interesting thing is that this couple has been staying together for the sake of their children. An idea so many seem to think is far fetched.

[scaredinlove]

What I came here to learn was , How can you continue an affair with someone who is married after getting exposed?

 

I continue because I am stupid and weak !

 

Do you lie for the guy to his wife if she confronts you? And if you do WHY?

 

 

I lied to the wife because i didn't want to give her explanations and get more and more involved, because he said if I didn't it woulf be over (yeah he is a jerk), because she called my house and called a W*** and left unapropiated messages on christmas eve on my answer machine and send a letter to my exH, after that I lost any compassion or respectfor her. Now if she hadn't attacked me like that and had called to talk to me like a human being, before acttink like a mad woman, maybe I would be more honest to her.

 

 

If you want him so bad, wont it be more to your advantage to tell the truth and maybe have him to yourself?

He has to make his own decision, It is not up to the OW to make that decision for him.

[bullhunter]

BH: That was an interesting point of view and I'm sure that there are plenty of MM out there that just want to screw. I don't think I have ever seen it put quite that way before. I'm just curious how long your A lasted and if you couldn't stand this woman why did it last for more than a night..if it did?

In the beginning I thought of her as a friend. It became clear that she wanted a lot more than friendship. I liked having someone want me so obviously. I'm not proud of what I did. I'm very ashamed of what I did. But the fact is that I used her. It went on for about a year.

 

It is interesting that the OW is always told that exactly what MM is after: sex. Yet here is this woman who's H is telling her he has feelings/in love with OW and Happyatlast said that he was/is in love with his OW. Funny how most of the men that post here are in love with the OW. The other interesting thing is that this couple has been staying together for the sake of their children. An idea so many seem to think is far fetched.

I hadn't thought of the possibility of these being fake when I was reading these posts the first time. I wouldn't be surprised if you're right.

[puddleofmud]

Welcome to the forum!

Please accept my sincere sympathy about what has happened to you and your family.

You are very courageous to reach out and ask questions and I do hope you find some answers here as many are very kind and good about helping others.

Honestly, in my personal opinion, I feel it would be best if you seek independent counseling.

If you don't know "what to believe" and are eaten up with questions of "WHY" to the point of severe frustration, anxiety ridden and feeling terrified about what has transpired (as you have reason to be) then you would be better served by seeking professional help.

None can make you feel better as you would like about why a woman would have/ continue an affair with YOUR husband--as no one really knows how or why that happened.

No one HERE can truly tell you why the OP and your H did what they did.

Some may tell only about their own experience which may offer some neeed insight.

What matters most is how YOU feel about your marriage NOW and if you feel that you wish to regain trust and rebuild--not about what "she did or didn't do".

The OP probably could tell you little about how much YOU love your husband>thus, why should that take precedent?

It is perfectly understandable to be curious about the OW--but it may serve you well to find a mediator/ counselor that may help you balance your curiousity/needs.

This is fresh for you and your needs will change over time and you may wish to have an well educated/ trained objective party to help you with each step.

In the interim please do post as we are all here to support you!

 

 

 

I dont know what to believe.

 

What I came here to learn was , How can you continue an affair with someone who is married after getting exposed?

Do you lie for the guy to his wife if she confronts you? And if you do WHY? If you want him so bad, wont it be more to your advantage to tell the truth and maybe have him to yourself? Do you lie because you , arent sure if you really love him and what more with him?

[sadbuttrue]

hey, i am so sorry as well for what you have been through.

 

i actually did tell MM's W about our affair (secretly, neither one knew it was me) and then when confronted with the W, i lied to her face. i am not proud of that, but i did it because i did not want to lose MM. i told her because i thought she should know, and yes i thought it might push MM into making a decision to stay and get out of the affair or leave his W.

 

i love him and he says that he loves me. i do believe that he cares for me. and at the same time, i am sure he tells his W the same thing.

[Salicious Crumb]

My husband plain and simple cheated on me. The wounds are still fresh. I continue to move along. I have three wonderful children. That brighten my day everyday.

 

Ah yes..I understand that one..if it weren't for my kids...I don't know how I'd cope as well.

 

When I found out about the affair I was hurt, angry. I cant even explain exactly the feeling I had. But it was and is the most worst single pain I have ever felt.

 

Believe me...I know...my wife is no longer the same person I fell in love with and it does hurt..very badly...but the hurt turned into anger..and I am coping with that as best as I can by keeping myself busy and working out every day.

 

Is there something that you do to keep your mind off it?...I highly suggest getting a membership at the gym and working out alot..not that you probably don't already look good...but the best revenge in my mind is looking better than you ever had....make them eat their hearts out.

 

My wife sure as hell is eating hers out now...she doesn't look the same as when she was straying and now, even though she should know I am no lousy cheater and never will be, she is worried I might cheat on her or at least attract some other women.

 

I have read mostly about how many men deny any feelings for the other woman. And I have also read that they lie to the wife and do have feelings for this other person.

 

Well..never being a cheater...I don't know first hand...but who cares? He cheated...and thats all you need to know.

 

I dont know what to believe.

 

Believe this...even though I don't suggest you do it, it still doesn't mean your husband needs a nice iron skillet upside the head.

 

What I came here to learn was , How can you continue an affair with someone who is married after getting exposed?

Do you lie for the guy to his wife if she confronts you? And if you do WHY? If you want him so bad, wont it be more to your advantage to tell the truth and maybe have him to yourself? Do you lie because you , arent sure if you really love him and what more with him?

 

Honey...I really don't have an answer for you there except...if your H is still messing around...has divorce ever crossed your mind?

 

My wife isn't doing it to this day, but I guarantee, if I found out she was, she'd find her bags packed when she came home from wherever it is she went to be with another man.

 

I am sure I will have plenty more questions later. But maybe beginning there will allow me to understand and possibly come to terms with some issues I have problems with.

 

Just remember this...you are not alone and this is not your fault!!! Quite a few of us have to put up with the selfishness of an unfaithful spouse....if only we'd have known about them before saying "I do"..and having kids with them.

 

Just hang in there...we know what you are going through.

[Salicious Crumb]

I can't speak for other MM, I can only speak for myself. I was deeply in love with my OW and no longer in love with my wife. (To clarify, fell out of love with my wife many years before I met my OW).

 

Just fell out of love huh? Was it due to the same-old same-old?

 

7 year itch? Got boring?

[puddleofmud]

AWWWW, SC, what a wonderful sweet gracious post! Seriously!

 

 

Ah yes..I understand that one..if it weren't for my kids...I don't know how I'd cope as well.

 

Believe me...I know...my wife is no longer the same person I fell in love with and it does hurt..very badly...but the hurt turned into anger..and I am coping with that as best as I can by keeping myself busy and working out every day.

 

Is there something that you do to keep your mind off it?...I highly suggest getting a membership at the gym and working out alot..not that you probably don't already look good...but the best revenge in my mind is looking better than you ever had....make them eat their hearts out.

 

My wife sure as hell is eating hers out now...she doesn't look the same as when she was straying and now, even though she should know I am no lousy cheater and never will be, she is worried I might cheat on her or at least attract some other women.

 

 

 

Well..never being a cheater...I don't know first hand...but who cares? He cheated...and thats all you need to know.

 

 

 

Believe this...even though I don't suggest you do it, it still doesn't mean your husband needs a nice iron skillet upside the head.

 

 

 

Honey...I really don't have an answer for you there except...if your H is still messing around...has divorce ever crossed your mind?

 

My wife isn't doing it to this day, but I guarantee, if I found out she was, she'd find her bags packed when she came home from wherever it is she went to be with another man.

 

 

 

Just remember this...you are not alone and this is not your fault!!! Quite a few of us have to put up with the selfishness of an unfaithful spouse....if only we'd have known about them before saying "I do"..and having kids with them.

 

Just hang in there...we know what you are going through.

[Salicious Crumb]

AWWWW, SC, what a wonderful sweet gracious post! Seriously!

 

Why do I get a wiff of sarcasm here?

[sadbuttrue]

sc, i think pom was serious. that post was so unlike your typical berating posts

[HappyAtLast]

Just fell out of love huh? Was it due to the same-old same-old?

 

7 year itch? Got boring?

 

Boring? If only. Twenty year marriage, she had her first affair five years into it. I begged and pleaded for counseling, something. Got nothing. Trust me, boring would have been better.

 

edited to add: please note that in no way, shape or form am I excusing my own affair by the one my XW had fifteen years prior to our marriage ending. I am just getting a bit tired of getting beaten up on these boards when I have been excruciatingly honest. One has nothing to do with the other. Your question really had nothing to do with my OW, rather why I fell out of love with my XW.

[Guest]

I am just getting a bit tired of getting beaten up on these boards when I have been excruciatingly honest.

 

That's rich. you haven't ben even a little honest. Married to your 1st wife 20 years then your 2nd 40 years according to a post that you then edited out. makes you at least 80. oh yeah and happyatlast? what's that about if your've ben married happily to the OW for 40 years??????????????