ash519 Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 I know, this has been going on for a while! I am so insecure it makes me sick sometimes. My bf and I are on the verge of going our seperate ways. He needs me to trust him and not get mad at him when he goes out etc. He has told me a few lies in the 2 years we have been together and he told them because he didnt want to fight over something when he knew he did nothing wrong, but knew I would get mad. He wants to be able to go to bars with his single friends (on occassion, probably like once a week) and have me be ok...he hates that when things come up and i always say something about other girls etc. He told me many times, he doesnt want to be with anyone else, at all, but we arent married yet and dont have kids and he wants to do what he wants to do. Can anyone talk some sense into me??????
Not_That_Innocent Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 Sounds like you're pushing him away. Why isn't he free to go out with friends once a week? Are you worried that he will cheat on you? If you don't trust him, that's one thing. But if you do trust him and you're just being insecure, I'm sure that's frustrating for him. You say that he has lied to you a few times in the past because he worried that telling you the truth would cause you to react negatively. If he can't be honest with you because of what your reaction may be, that's a huge!! It will kill the intimacy in your relationship. Take that from a woman who was with a man for thirteen years who acted just like you. He slowly but surely pushed me away. Right now we are separated and I don't know if I ever want to go back.
Author ash519 Posted April 6, 2007 Author Posted April 6, 2007 Thanks for the reply. I know what you are saying and it is pushing him away. I dont think he'd cheat on me, but it's something more like 'what if he meets someone else better', and just the fact that he is out among other people and i am home in bed. I could go, most the time, but i work early. I have to get a grip on this and soon. It is really bad that he feels sometimes he shouldnt tell me things due to my reactions...my imagination runs wild when he is out late and i get all worked up and by the time he comes home...snap. A lot of this stems from my past, my father, and my goodness, my brothers treat women so badly and it is all i see. I truly believe my bf is different and i always say to myself he is one of the only men that should probably truly be trusted, but i get stupid and insecure. It is so hard to handle sometimes.
Javelin Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 I'm in Massachusetts too!! *cough* It is so hard to handle sometimes. Perhaps you need someone more like you Ash. Someone who enjoys staying home with their SO and stuff. I'll be honest, I wouldn't be able to handle a girlfriend that went to the bars every week either. In defense to your boyfriend. He probably figures he'll have to settle down eventually. So right now, his friends are out & he doesn't want to miss anything. Why don't one night you make a surprise visit to the bar he's at or something and hang out with him?
corazoncito Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 Don't be so hard on yourself. I kind of know how you feel because my guy definitely feels the need to get out more than I do. Sometimes I'm just not up for a late night at the bar. So I tell him to go have a good time. It's nice for me because I can get a little "me" time (lounge in my underwear and read trashy fashion magazine). And he has a good time with his friends and comes home happy and buzzed (good for both of us!). Seriously, don't give him a hard time about it if he's never given you real reason not to trust him (although the lying thing is a bit concerning). If you make him feel like you don't trust him, guys interpret that as a lack of respect. And try to go out with him once in a while. I bet he'll really appreciate it and it might help ease your anxieties.
Trialbyfire Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 While I've never had a problem with any guy going out with his friends once a week, I would have a problem if he and his single friends were bar hopping with the idea of picking up chicks. He needs to address your concerns or your relationship will implode. At the same time, you also need to learn to trust him a little more. Have you considered therapy to help you work through your family history?
BeachBlonde Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 I agree with Javelin--And I'm in Mass too, btw. It sounds like you guys are on two different pages. While I don't think it's wrong for him to want to go out with just guys once a week, I can understand why you might be a little insecure/concerned that he's going to bars once a week. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like he's going to stop going to bars although he knows it's bothering you; how old is he if you don't mind me asking? Do you guys live together? It seems that he's at the age where he just wants to hang out in the bar scene. Now, it's up to you whether you can handle this or not. I can honestly say that it makes all the difference in the world when you find someone who you are truely compatible with. Maybe it's time to re-think your relationship with him.
Author ash519 Posted April 9, 2007 Author Posted April 9, 2007 Thank you for all your responses!!! I really appreciate it! Rethinking my relationship...i have a bit, i think to myself what i can and cant handle and ask myself if this is right, but the bottom line is we love eachother. We are good together (minus this difference) and we dont want to be with anybody else. Beach Blonde- He is 28, I am almost 25 and we have lived together for the past year. I think that is part of the thing with him. He works, has his band and spends time with me and that kind of fills up his time and he misses his friends and doesnt want to give up that part of his life. Is one night a week that bad? No, it's not. I do need to relax on this if I want this to work, and I do. I do go out by the way. This weekend he had a gig I went to on Friday and then we went out for my friends birthday Saturday night. It's just on weeknights I cant. Well, I choose not to because I get up early for work. Trial- Well, a lot of his friends are single and obsessed with finding girls. So, i know what they are out for. But my bf doesnt include himself in that and actually gets really aggravated with them because he wants to hang out with them...not watch them try and pick up girls. When I start really thinking of it all i'm like "He doesnt do anything wrong or disrespectful to me" but when he's actually out doing these thing I work myself into a little frenzy. Oh, and about the therapist. I have called a few places, none of the female docs have open night/weekend appointments...have any of you women ever had a male doctor to discuss intimate situations> Oh, Javellin and Beach blonde---HI Neighbors!!! It better warm up here soon.
Island Girl Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 'what if he meets someone else better', You need a huge boost of self esteem and that happens from the inside --- you are your own worst enemy. You can start out by doing things that make you feel great about yourself - like working out, etc. You have a sense of dependence on him and this needs to go away. He is with you because he wants to be not because he HAS to be -- and if for some reason, he wasn't, wouldn't that be HIS problem? Isn't HE the idiot for letting someone who truly loves him go? -- It is rare in this world to find someone who really and truly cares for you and he has it. He'd be a fool to let that go right? That is the attitude you need to have. Just think about it. There are a lot of girls out there who use men, are only interested in money and spending it, are cheaters, liars, etc. (Read a few of the threads by men in the OW/OM forum. Or they rip guys hearts out -- read a few of those threads.) You aren't one of those. The chances of him finding someone "better" are slim to none right? Hopefully that thought will get you going on the right track!
sunshine79 Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 this thread has helped me out, ash, i feel just like you. i know a lot of it is my insecurities and it's hard to get by...i wonder EVERY TIME that my man goes out that he'll find someone better...i can't get past that. or he'll love the flirtatious waitress (which he is VERY flirtatious, and i love that about him...when ti's with me) but i do the what ifs and it's killing me right now. it's killing me AND my man. i wish you lived closer to GA and we could go meet up nad work out or something. i too work early, 6am so it's hard for me to go out during the week but i try to and maybe that's where i'm getitng hurt. pm me any time you'd like. i feel you!!
Author ash519 Posted April 9, 2007 Author Posted April 9, 2007 Island Girl- Thank you for those kind words. They certainly do help, and you're right...it would be his loss. I am a great girlfriend . I will definately think of those things when I start to feel crappy. I do have a gym membership too, but tend to get lazy and not go...but I plan on going today and getting back on a pattern. Sunshine- I read your most recent thread and have been meaning to write to you considering how similar our situations!!! I dont know how to PM hehe. First off, reread what Island girl wrote, it's true. On top of that something else i think of is how we cant control our guys and i think the more we do the more we push them away. Wouldnt it be much better if they thought they were coming home to loving and open trusting g/f or fiance vs mad untrusting gf/fiance. I think it is a matter of trust, and also in the beginning learning a coping method for when they do go out with friends...and eventually i think we will get to that place where we are genuinly ok. It is sometimes really hard!!! I am making a lot of spelling errors. This is definately something to work on!! And fix, for their happiness and our own, moreso our own.
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