kentuckyguy Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 I have a dilemma regarding my best friend and his recent relationship. About 2 weeks ago my friend and others were hanging out in the college recreation hall and a fairly attractive girl started hanging out with our group. I noticed that my friend was really into her. 2 days later we were having a discussion and I brought up the fact that I noticed this, he seemed a bit down when I mentioned this and proceeded to tell me how he didn't think he had a chance and how even his own father told him he was kind of an ugly guy and should take what he could get. I gave him a pep talk on the great things he had going for him and suggested that he strike up a conversation with the girl the next time she came around and that he should be direct and confident and ask her out on a date. A couple days roll around and we are all hanging out and she is back. He took my advice and asked her out on a date to attend a concert, she accepted. I was happy for him and he seemed to be happy. The day of the date rolls around and he realizes the concert is already over so he freaks out and instead opts for a movie and dinner. I persuaded him to try to come up with something better and found out about a comedy club that was featuring a headliner comedian downtown. He was at work so I called the club and since they were almost sold out I purchased two tickets in his name over the phone. I figured this would be great date because the club was about an hour away so they could talk the whole drive there and a date where you laughed your ass off for 2 hours seemed like a great time even if it wasn't a good match. So they go out on the date and he gets back and tells me it was the best date he ever had, he said the club was absolutely perfect. Now this is where it got weird for me. Instead of being happy for him I had mixed emotions, on one hand it was great to see my friend have a great time, on the other hand I felt a little jealous. At this point I knew I was simply jealous and I made myself get over it, it had been a long, long, long time since I had that kind of experience myself and I knew that they were my issues and I shouldn't pin them on my friend. So life went on. Now it's a week later and things have just gotten weird. Every time I talk to my friend I get this impression of an attitude of supremacy. He references the girl as his "future wife" (their first date was 6 days ago) and says certain things to me that I can't tell if I am looking too much into or if it's intentional on his part. For instance two days ago we were talking about work stuff and he started talking about my company that is in the process of being bought, he said "you have bad priorities, you're making 5 million but I have GIRLS-NAME and am just as happy as you". For some reason this statement bothered me but I have no idea why. I haven't been in a serious relationship in 3 years, which he knows, and I can't tell if I am reading too much into what he says. So I let this go and chalked it up to me being overly-sensitive since I have been single so long and in truth really wish I was as lucky as my friend. He arrived back from work today and we were having a discussion and then he stared off at the wall in the middle of the conversation and smiled. I thought this was weird so I asked him what was so funny. He said "nothing, I was just thinking about my future wife". I laughed and replied to him that he should apologize to me for all the times he made fun of me when I dated girls in high school. He then replied to me in a real snobby way "yeah, but this girl is hot". He didn't hide the fact that he was basically telling me that he thought that his girl was hotter than any of my previous girlfriends which struck me as a real immature thing to say (and also completely untrue but I didn't say this). Now here is my dilemma. Am I simply being jealous and looking for reasons to get pissed at my friend or is it something else? To me it feels as if he is kind of shoving his relationship in my face to show me what he has and what I don't. I feel like I have supported him as a friend but when the time came instead of using his happiness to encourage me to find the same he instead is using it as a way to put me down. What do you think? Could it have something to do with the fact that he never dated anyone in high school but I dated allot? Could it be that he is simply being a bit immature because this is the third girl he has ever dated?
shellys-trying Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 Honestly, you may be just a little envious but that could be rectified any time by getting back into the dating scene. Sounds like you are single and unattached by choice. Where your friend is concerned it sounds like he's gotten a big head since dating this girl, and if I were him, I wouldn't be going around calling this girl his "future wife". Some women it may just turn off. I wouldn't want some guy I dated for a whole week to be going around saying that. He's presuming a whole he!! of a lot. It would probably be pointless to talk with him about it, because he would just think you're jealous of his VERY NEW relationship with this girl. Which I don't really think it's that. Can you even consider it a relationship right now, only a week or so old? I wouldn't let him insult your past GF's tho', that's just rude on his part, and really none of his business. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. He'd feel funny if "karma" decided to kick him in the butt by way of his "future wife" suddenly dumping him. BTW, how long have you known your friend?
melodymatters Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 YOU SAID "Now here is my dilemma. Am I simply being jealous and looking for reasons to get pissed at my friend or is it something else? To me it feels as if he is kind of shoving his relationship in my face to show me what he has and what I don't. I feel like I have supported him as a friend but when the time came instead of using his happiness to encourage me to find the same he instead is using it as a way to put me down. What do you think? Could it have something to do with the fact that he never dated anyone in high school but I dated allot? Could it be that he is simply being a bit immature because this is the third girl he has ever dated?" Answer : Yes, all of the above and it all sounds pretty natural.Yeah, you're a little envious of his new found happiness, Normal.Yeah, he's shoving it in your face, and using it as a way to feel superior, and yes, it's probably due to his lack of experience. next time he goes on like that just laugh, and say " dude, I'm glad you're happy, but you sound like an eighth grade girl, ease up" and reclaim the upper hand
shellys-trying Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 Had to laugh at that one, Melodymatters, about the 8th grade girl. Yeah, that would probably make his friend feel preety dorky. It may work too. His friend does need kinda dropping back down to earth with a thud. LOL Good one!
Author kentuckyguy Posted April 6, 2007 Author Posted April 6, 2007 Thanks for the advice, you two are probably right, it's probably a mix of many of those things. We have been best friends since grade school. I suppose it would have less of an impact on me if I got back out in the dating scene which I plan on doing now.
shellys-trying Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 Good for you! Being from KY my whole life, I can promise you there's plenty of Blue KY Girls out there. Good luck!
EricOnTheWeb Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 Hi there,Kentuckyguy. Like your friend I also know what its like to shy away from girls due to being ridiculed about looks,being called ugly ect ect... I've yet to ever be on a date because of how self concious those ugly remarks have made me. I do feel for your friend in that respect,I know how hard it is to overcome those fears. However you sound like a great friend to him,convincing your friend that he can do this(ask the girl out) Kudos to you brother. Its unfortunate how he rubbed your face in it though,that sucks and is very rude a disrespectful,but perhaps he's just living in the moment?. I hope this doesn't end your friendship though,and have fun getting back into dating!...I hope to be joining that crowd myself lol...gonna be a little while though! Good luck! (Eric)
lindya Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 For some reason this statement bothered me but I have no idea why. Have you heard of the "drama triangle"? It involves parties in a particular situation slipping in and out of three different roles 1. Rescuer 2. Victim 3. Persecutor You've been a nice, helpful, supportive friend and made efforts to help this unhappy sack snatch a little joy from life. Now he's had this bit of success, he's perhaps basking in that feeling of slipping out of the loser role...but where should he go now? Probably he'd love to inhabit the cool looking rescuer role he's seen you in, but at the moment you don't need rescuing. Not to worry. If he slips into the persecutor's one and spends a bit of time trying to make you feel inadequate for not having what he has right now, maybe that will make you feel like a loser. Already you're questioning yourself and asking whether you truly are happy. BTW when I talk about "persecutor" here, I'm not talking about anything really nasty or implying sadistic goings on. It's more about people jostling for the "upper hand" as the girls in the posts above mentioned. If you start getting angry or upset about this - if your confidence starts to visibly slip - he can chip away at it a bit more, before (when he's satisfied that you definitely are feeling sh*tty) sliding into the benevolent, supportive rescuer role. When someone who's generally a victim pulls this kind of crap, it can make you want to go into "persecutor" mode. If you did slip into that role and start putting your friend down, he would probably retaliate a bit, before crumbling pretty quickly... and you'd be left feeling like a sh*t. He does, after all, have a lifetime of feeling second rate behind him, and it'll take more than a couple of dates to give him anything approximating genuine confidence. Most of us get dragged into, or (of our own accord) dive into these triangles from time to time. Some people live in them. By maybe sometimes going a little OTT in helping this guy (eg buying those tickets for him when he really could/should have sorted that out himself), you may have inadvertently encouraged the situation.
mental_traveller Posted April 8, 2007 Posted April 8, 2007 Hmm, seems pretty simple. He has a big ego as a result of recent success, so he's started to act like a dick. Simple solution, just tell him bluntly. If he takes offence or won't listen, stop talking to him.
Verona007 Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 I have to agree with some of the previous posters, your friend is being a jerk. He's probably always been jealous of your success and now that he's got one girls number it's going straight to his head. He can't handle it, because he's probably got low self esteem and it would crush him if this girl even thought about leaving him. It's normal to feel a twinge of jealousy especially if you havent had a relationship for years, that's understandable. Your friend needs to get over himself and realize that you saved his @ss by getting him those tickets for that super-date to begin with. You deserve better friends!
Yamaha Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 My take is that your friend has been jealous of you for some time and now that he is dating someone he feels gives him high status he is shoving it in your face. Yes, he is being very immature and if it was me I would question how good of a friend he is, to you. I would tell him of your feeling about his actions and if he continues with his childish behavior I would step back from the friendship.
shellys-trying Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 I have to agree. Let him know how you feel and if he doesn't get your point, find a new friend. Good luck!
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