loquaciousl Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 I've been casually dating this guy for a month now. We've seen each other a number of times and have agreed "taking it slow" is the best course of action. As we've gotten to know each other, I find he (I am a girl) is sweet, smart, sexy, and caring. He's a lot of what I look for in someone. Taking it slow has been hard for me but where I'm at in my life has helped me to relish doing so as I am really developing a love for myself, which is great....anyhow, back to the situation. I was talking on the phone with this guy tonight. We got onto the subject of past relationships and I asked him what happened with his last relationship. There was a pause and he told me that he had been with a girl for a year and a half and it was pretty serious. He made the mistake of having drinks with an ex girlfriend and according to him he had a few drinks and ended up hanging out at his ex's place. He said she was all over him and he ended up fooling around with her, but didn't have sex. Anyhow, his girlfriend at the time found out about his indiscretion and dumped him on the spot. On a unbiased level, I understand why she dumped him as I would do the same thing. He then went on to tell me that part of why he is taking it slow with me is because he is coming to terms with what he did and doesn't think it's a good idea to jump back into a relationship. We got into a pretty deep discussion and I told him that while everyone makes mistakes and loses out pretty big as a result of their mistakes that I am not pressuring him into anything. Here's the thing. I like this guy a lot. I have other men on the back burner but aside from this HUGE thing I am really digging this guy. I told him that trust is huge for me and that while I like him that if he was to be with me at some point that I wouldn't want it to be a rebound because I deserve more. He said that he knows that I am wife material and a great catch and all that jazz. He also says he is digging me and he is really attracted to me and doesn't see us as just friends. I admire his honesty, as he could of lied, and I know that this is a big bit of baggage. I told him that I wouldn't want to be a replacement for what he has lost as this ex won't talk to him ever again. Instinct tells me to keep on talking with him and build a foundation with him. I think people make mistakes and I know he feels bad about what he did. But instinct also tells me to be extremely cautious and not put all of my eggs into one basket. It's weird because this aside we both see we have tons in common and are wildly attracted to one another. I know he likes me, but at the same time I know that he has **** to deal with. Part of me thinks I just need to date other people as well and see what happens here, too. I don't know, it seems complicated, but also he is pretty amazing. Advice?
VinaAmez Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 You know date him if you want. If you don't want to be rebound girl then don't and if you fear him cheating then don't date him.
Author loquaciousl Posted April 6, 2007 Author Posted April 6, 2007 Nice succinct point. But what do you mean by "not being a rebound girl"? You mean act in a way that demands more? And as far as fearing him cheating, well I haven't made up my mind about whether or not I want to be serious yet. Actually, we both have think it's good to keep taking it slow and seeing what develops. Any other advice?
VinaAmez Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 I said rebound because you said you didn't want to and that you deserved more. But taking it slow does seem like a good idea.
Walk Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 Just saying this so you can understand where my words come from... I cheated on my ex. my ex didn't dump me for what I did to him, he still wanted me. By all accounts, I should've felt I was rewarded for my behavior. There wasn't an external punishment for it. Point is... I really screwed up and I know it. I left the ex because I knew how badly I screwed stuff up. How I'd destroyed lives, trust, and hurt those I cared about. I can articulate what I learned from the experience. I can understand how badly I hurt everyone around me at the time. I understand what I did and that it was MY fault. I am accountable for my actions and take full responsibility for them. Alcohol was involved, but that isn't an excuse. If this guy you're "casually" dating is able to understand and convey that understanding to you as to why he cheated, how that affected others, who was responsible for those actions, and most importantly, how to prevent it from occuring in the future... then he's probably not going to cheat on anyone again. In fact, I'd say he was a safer bet then joe schmoe who had never had temptation stare him in the eyes before. If he passes blame, attempts to make excuses for his actions. Faults others. Shows a lack of understand as to what happened or how to prevent it in the future... Then stay away from him. Not just for your well-being, but his also. He needs time to reflect, time to think about his actions and how it affected his life. In my experience, you can tell the ones who learned from their mistake from those who haven't. And if he has any feelings still for the ex that dumped him for cheating... then as hard as it will be, I think it'd be best if you didn't attempt to pursue a relationship with this guy. (advice from the outsider perspective obviously)
whichwayisup Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 Go for it. He has been honest with you, he didn't have to tell you ANYTHING about his previous relationships. Take it slowly, but don't date anybody else....Be exclusive with him, especially because you 'feel' something for him. Bringing someone else into that mix is only going to confuse you... Anyway, take the chance on him.
Author loquaciousl Posted April 6, 2007 Author Posted April 6, 2007 Thanks for your responses. My question now, is, how do I ascertain if he has "unresolved feelings" for the ex? I don't want it to be a focal point of our relationship yet it is something that has crossed my mind and is hard not to think about.... At this juncture I am a bit nervous to get involved with him so I agree in some ways that taking it slow is great. I do think he truly feels bad about what he did and judging from the fact he was extremely honest about his indiscretion and with me about everything I respect him. I am at that point where I don't know what's right right now. If I could pretend this never happened then I would totally be interested in being committed with him. I think the best bet is to play it cool, because I do like him; because I think the only thing that will heal him is the passage of time. And being that I deserve the best, I think lying low could be a good idea....Any thoughts on this?
norajane Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 Thanks for your responses. My question now, is, how do I ascertain if he has "unresolved feelings" for the ex? Of course he has unresolved feelings. They dated for a year and a half and he says it was pretty serious. That alone says he has unresolved feelings...if a guy admits it was pretty serious, he was emotionally involved. That does't just go away. Especially when he cheated, and she "found out about his indiscretion and dumped him on the spot." That means he didn't own up to his "indiscretion", she caught him somehow And dumped him. So, yes, he's going to have unresolved feelings. And finally, "he is taking it slow with me is because he is coming to terms with what he did and doesn't think it's a good idea to jump back into a relationship." He's telling you he has unresolved feelings! BTW, just because he told you something about his "indiscretion" doesn't mean he's telling you the whole truth about it. He may have actually slept with the ex and doesn't want to look that bad to you, so he's only telling you part of the story. You have no real way of knowing the truth, especially since you haven't known him long at all.
Author loquaciousl Posted April 6, 2007 Author Posted April 6, 2007 OOOH. Good point. I have a lot of thinking to do, I guess. So I think my instinct to not take this too seriously is right on. Thanks for your perspective!
Trialbyfire Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 It sounds like the baggage came from his last relationship which probably means it was fairly recent. With this in mind, I agree with nj. While he may be remorseful about what he did, he doesn't appear to have come to terms with it. I told him that trust is huge for me I'm not certain if his disclosure won't affect the above, if you get into something more serious with this guy.
DanielMadr Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 I've been casually dating this guy for a month now. We've seen each other a number of times and have agreed "taking it slow" is the best course of action. As we've gotten to know each other, I find he (I am a girl) is sweet, smart, sexy, and caring. He's a lot of what I look for in someone. Taking it slow has been hard for me but where I'm at in my life has helped me to relish doing so as I am really developing a love for myself, which is great....anyhow, back to the situation. I was talking on the phone with this guy tonight. We got onto the subject of past relationships and I asked him what happened with his last relationship. There was a pause and he told me that he had been with a girl for a year and a half and it was pretty serious. He made the mistake of having drinks with an ex girlfriend and according to him he had a few drinks and ended up hanging out at his ex's place. He said she was all over him and he ended up fooling around with her, but didn't have sex. Anyhow, his girlfriend at the time found out about his indiscretion and dumped him on the spot. On a unbiased level, I understand why she dumped him as I would do the same thing. He then went on to tell me that part of why he is taking it slow with me is because he is coming to terms with what he did and doesn't think it's a good idea to jump back into a relationship. We got into a pretty deep discussion and I told him that while everyone makes mistakes and loses out pretty big as a result of their mistakes that I am not pressuring him into anything. Here's the thing. I like this guy a lot. I have other men on the back burner but aside from this HUGE thing I am really digging this guy. I told him that trust is huge for me and that while I like him that if he was to be with me at some point that I wouldn't want it to be a rebound because I deserve more. He said that he knows that I am wife material and a great catch and all that jazz. He also says he is digging me and he is really attracted to me and doesn't see us as just friends. I admire his honesty, as he could of lied, and I know that this is a big bit of baggage. I told him that I wouldn't want to be a replacement for what he has lost as this ex won't talk to him ever again. Instinct tells me to keep on talking with him and build a foundation with him. I think people make mistakes and I know he feels bad about what he did. But instinct also tells me to be extremely cautious and not put all of my eggs into one basket. It's weird because this aside we both see we have tons in common and are wildly attracted to one another. I know he likes me, but at the same time I know that he has **** to deal with. Part of me thinks I just need to date other people as well and see what happens here, too. I don't know, it seems complicated, but also he is pretty amazing. Advice? I dont think his "cheating" is a problem. It seems you are afraid that 'taking it slowly' means 'Im not so sure about you girl'. So you want to play it safe and date other guys...those on back burners, you playa Then yes, taking it slowly usually means 'You are great person and Id like to marry you.....some day.'
Art_Critic Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 What is interesting is that nobody mentioned the fact that he told you the truth about it rather than just sugar coating it with a bullshiot story. Most people get pissed off when they find out a partner lied to them about those type of questions and the first thing they say is " I wish he had just told me the truth from the beginning." He obviously has morals and a conscience so most likely he also learns from his mistakes.. Don't hold his honesty about his past against him.. if anything you should hold him up to a better light that he was honest an upfront with you about it.
norajane Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 What is interesting is that nobody mentioned the fact that he told you the truth about it rather than just sugar coating it with a bullshiot story. Most people get pissed off when they find out a partner lied to them about those type of questions and the first thing they say is " I wish he had just told me the truth from the beginning." He obviously has morals and a conscience so most likely he also learns from his mistakes.. Don't hold his honesty about his past against him.. if anything you should hold him up to a better light that he was honest an upfront with you about it. It's true people hate being lied to, but when they say, "I wish he had just told me the truth from the beginning," it's also because they wish they had the information so they could have USED it to make more informed choices about the people in their lives. Yes, it's good he told, but the content of what he told is something to give one pause in terms of getting involved or not.
bridget_jones Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 Of course he has unresolved feelings. They dated for a year and a half and he says it was pretty serious. That alone says he has unresolved feelings...if a guy admits it was pretty serious, he was emotionally involved. That does't just go away. Especially when he cheated, and she "found out about his indiscretion and dumped him on the spot." That means he didn't own up to his "indiscretion", she caught him somehow And dumped him. So, yes, he's going to have unresolved feelings. And finally, "he is taking it slow with me is because he is coming to terms with what he did and doesn't think it's a good idea to jump back into a relationship." He's telling you he has unresolved feelings! BTW, just because he told you something about his "indiscretion" doesn't mean he's telling you the whole truth about it. He may have actually slept with the ex and doesn't want to look that bad to you, so he's only telling you part of the story. You have no real way of knowing the truth, especially since you haven't known him long at all. IMO, the fact that he told you that at all indicates he still has feelings for his ex. I'd run. Convos with details about the ex like that creep me out. I want the focus on US and what we're going to do together, not what happened with his "ex." Just the fact that he had this convo with you shows he has mega baggage. buh-bye.
Art_Critic Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 IMO, the fact that he told you that at all indicates he still has feelings for his ex. That isn't true.. I can tell you stories about my ExW and I have no feelings for her whatsoever.. When asked by someone that I'm dating about why the marriage ended I tell them the truth..It doesn't mean I have feelings for her.. it just means I told the truth. I divorced my wife .. not the other way around. I will say that I don't give nitty gritty details.. but I do give them enough info to know why the marriage ended
Art_Critic Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 I want the focus on US and what we're going to do together, not what happened with his "ex." I think the OP asked him.. If all you are is concerned about US then you are going to get in quite a few relationships.
whichwayisup Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 Thanks for your responses. My question now, is, how do I ascertain if he has "unresolved feelings" for the ex? I don't want it to be a focal point of our relationship yet it is something that has crossed my mind and is hard not to think about.... At this juncture I am a bit nervous to get involved with him so I agree in some ways that taking it slow is great. I do think he truly feels bad about what he did and judging from the fact he was extremely honest about his indiscretion and with me about everything I respect him. I am at that point where I don't know what's right right now. If I could pretend this never happened then I would totally be interested in being committed with him. I think the best bet is to play it cool, because I do like him; because I think the only thing that will heal him is the passage of time. And being that I deserve the best, I think lying low could be a good idea....Any thoughts on this? Communication and honesty all the way. Let him know your fears....Ask him if he still has feelings for his ex and how that plays into you and him, how it brings up concerns in your mind. Is she still a part of his life or are they in NC mode. All this you have a right to know. And, seeing as how honest he's been with you, I'm sure he'll continue to give you the honest answers.
Art_Critic Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 Asking about someone's past endings is always a good healthy thing to talk about.. It shows good communication...
bridget_jones Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 I think the OP asked him.. If all you are is concerned about US then you are going to get in quite a few relationships. I would never ask that stuff.
Art_Critic Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 I would never ask that stuff. You should.. It is a healthy subject to talk about as well as you should know what you are getting into.. Now if you don't ask and all they talk about is their ex then that is a totally different thing.. I would say that they carry a torch..
bridget_jones Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 You should.. It is a healthy subject to talk about as well as you should know what you are getting into.. Now if you don't ask and all they talk about is their ex then that is a totally different thing.. I would say that they carry a torch.. good point.
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