mynameisjoe Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 Hi, i have been married for about 2 years now, i have a daughter, and my wife and i are both very young. Throughout our marriage, we have had our ups and downs, but to make a long story short, my wife thinks im not emotionally available, and i dont exactly trust her. So anyways, she went to visit some of her friends for two weeks, and ended up getting drunk and sleeping with one of them. I asked her to basically cut this friend out of her life. I had major problems with things she did with him in the past, and i thought their friendship had crossed the line one too many times. Her solution was to have an open marriage, so she didnt feel so much pressure as a wife, as she feels that she never got a chance to live her life, because she got married and had a baby so young. she also wants to go visit this friend in a few months. so, i admit that i can be very emotionally unavailable, because a lot of things she does just makes me so angry, and tears me apart inside, and i dont know how to let it out, i had never really been in a relationship like this before, so i dont know what to do. so, im not looking for people to tell me how terrible i am, or how terrible she is, im simply looking for a womens opinion, on how i can adapt to this kind of life. i love my wife, and im willing to try this for her, but what do i do if we are out, and she starts making out with another guy, or if i know she has been with someone else, how do i handle that. anyways, im just looking for some advice, anything really, so anything you have to offer, no matter how small would be very helpful. even if you want to call me a controlling @#$ or something to that effect, aslong as you provide some advise, thats alright with me. sorry this is so long, thanks for your time. Joe
AHIWON Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 I wouldn't tolerate that for a minute. She has no respect for you or your marriage. I'd kick her to the curb. I have no idea how to even suggest how to adapt to that lifestyle. I wouldn't want any part of it.
whichwayisup Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 It sounds like you two got married too young, or she wasn't really ready for the responsibility of being a wife and a mother. If she wants out of the marriage, let her go. You take custody of your child and she can go grow up and marry someone else in the future. She cannot have it both ways, be married and still play like she's single. I hope she is willing to go to marriage counselling and individual counselling so she can figure it out WITHOUT cheating or you two divorcing.
Trialbyfire Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 Open marriages only work if both parties want this. She's forcing it down your throat. She's cheated on you before and is currently cheating openly. Time to cauterize before it erodes any further into your self-esteem. Based on her immaturity, I'm guessing she'll be vindictive or at minimum, a difficult oust. Get your ducks in a row, such as emails, written documentation of any kind, so you can properly present your case for divorce.
VinaAmez Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 IMO it sounds like she likes this other guy and the only way to make what she does not cheating and okay, is for you to agree to an open marriage. Also sounds like she wasn't ready for marriage. Personally I wouldn't agree to it nor let her go and visit him and would highly suggest MC.
burning 4 revenge Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 Holy ****, if you don't get out within twenty-four hours I would call you a cuckhold
Curmudgeon Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 So tell me. Joe, why are you married at all to a libertine? Infidelity is an automatic, no holds barred, instant and irrefutable deal-breaker in my marriage. to me, anything less isn't a marriage at all.
luvstarved Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 I agree with TrialByFire. I was actually in an open marriage and it was an unqualified disaster. In my case, I thought I was agreeable to it, my H at the time persuaded me that people were not naturally monogamous, etc and I wanted to be enlightened and was incredibly young and stupid, so I thought I believed all that crap. So how much worse if you KNOW going in that this is not something you think you can live with? The "open marriage" for me turned into "Sex Wars" - keeping score and kicking up the stakes by picking more sensitive targets (best friends, etc) and ultimately turning into a hateful abusive relationship. This is what you could have to look forward to. But thank God, we did not have children. Speaking of which, your W went off for TWO WEEKS with a small child at home? Listen: she is incredibly immature and you cannot will her to grow up. I do not think that there is anything you could do or say to change her mind, much less her behavior. If you attempt to "corral" her, she could potentially take it out on your daughter. I think you need to focus on your daughter and let this woman go. I don't see any other solution to this. Just think, if her behavior is so outrageous when it is not "sanctioned", how crazy do you expect it to get if you agree to accept it? Yeah.
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 An open marriage only works if you two are on the same page. It sounds like she wants to f*ck around with your permission, and you are too scared of her leaving if you say 'no'. So, how to cope with it? I'm afraid you won't. She'll date, and you'll die inside. Every day it will get worse. You'll sink into a horrid depression, and she will get frustrated and angry at you because you aren't "being cool" about it. You have a few choices though: 1. Stay, and sacrifice your heart and happiness and let yourself die and go numb inside. 2. Leave, and find someone who is more suitable and compatible in matters of the heart and find your happiness there.
StayClose Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 Agreed. An open marriage can only work where both parties are comfortable, secure, and committed to each other to the point where the idea of the other having non-committed fooling around with someone else is no more threatening than the idea of the other having lunch their brother or sister. In this case, the wife is married on paper but not in her heart. She needs look inside herself and decide is she wants to be married or single, and then do whichever it takes to make her legal status and lifestyle match.
Topper Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 Others here have given you some great advice. Even some of the most sexualy liberated members here see pending disaster for you and ultimatly your Child. Your wife wants to play and you are the one who is paying for her play. I'm going to be blunt here but you really need to grow a pair. She is laughing at you. You may love her but she doesn't have any love for you. Your just her littel B*tch. Your next post here should be how do I get out and away from her.
bab Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 Don't do this. I'm sorry that the two of you got married so young, but this will only cause whatever foundation you have in your marriage to crumble. It won't "take off the pressure", it will just add more hurt and pain. Maybe the two of you could have a regular date night? Maybe that would help her feel a bit more carefree? Do you have family nearby that would be willing to watch your daughter?
Mz. Pixie Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 An open marriage only works if you two are on the same page. It sounds like she wants to f*ck around with your permission, and you are too scared of her leaving if you say 'no'. So, how to cope with it? I'm afraid you won't. She'll date, and you'll die inside. Every day it will get worse. You'll sink into a horrid depression, and she will get frustrated and angry at you because you aren't "being cool" about it. You have a few choices though: 1. Stay, and sacrifice your heart and happiness and let yourself die and go numb inside. 2. Leave, and find someone who is more suitable and compatible in matters of the heart and find your happiness there. Listen to LB on this one- she's spot on with her advice.
Ladyjane14 Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 This isn't even really a question of "open marriage", Joe. Discussion of open marriage is more about philosophy. As Luvstruck mentioned earlier... it's a philosophy where people reject monogamy. They tend to minimize the emotional aspect of human sexual function. IOW, sex is just sex and doesn't mean anything much in emotional terms to their primary relationship. In fact, they tend to avoid emotional attachments with outside parties, dumping a lover perfunctorily if things start looking serious. What you're looking at is just the 'garden variety extramarital affair'. There's ALREADY an emotional attachment at work here between your wife and the OM. This would preclude an "open marriage" arrangement, because her emotional attachment to YOU is apparently not impervious to outside influence. The "open marriage" gambit is often just a form of emotional blackmail. In effect, the wayward tells her spouse... "Either allow me to explore this affair, or I'm outta here". BUT... your permission will not influence her eventual decision between you and the other guy. IF things work out with the OM, she's going to leave you, no matter how much cooperation you gave her previously. Your better bet, is to clarify her choice for her. A cake-eater will continue to eat cake. That's what they do. The only way to stop her, is to take the cake off her plate. She can't have you AND the OM unless all three parties agree to it. And dude... you don't have to agree. It won't affect the outcome if you don't. She's just taking that guy out for a test drive, and if she likes the merchandise... she's gonna trade you in. :eek:
mental_traveller Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 You have only two options if you want to preserve your manhood. One, get a divorce immediately. Two, agree to an open marriage, then let her walk in on your porking 2 hot 18 year olds, and say "Hi honey, want to join in?"
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