memories Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 Long story, I just need input. I am married having affair with a married man. Both with children. We live in different states. (We use to be friends and neighbors - so we all know one another) We have been "caught" 4 times now, since November. We meet in different cities or my city. We want to be together and are working towards making that happen (or so we each say). His spouse in the beginning was basically in denial. She blamed me entirely for everything. Then she started blaming my husband (yeah I know WTF?). Now she has started getting into OM accounts (work related one's) She is somehow finding out passwords and accessing the statements online (hence she discovered he was in town visiting). OM and I talked about it and he said it's time for him to own up to what he's done and what he wants and it's time for him to do the right thing. He says he wants to be with me, the hardest part is not having his kids there all the time. (He's a wonderful father btw). I haven't talked to him yet about their conversation, I guess I'm just scared/nervous etc. I know in my heart he loves me and wants to be with me, but until that happens I feel very unsettled. I do know that I will not continue this relationship the way it is now. I'm not going to continue hurting everyone else so something is going to have to give at some point soon.
Izzar Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 Do both of you have plans on divorcing any time in the very near future?
sadbuttrue Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 you didnt say how your husband felt about all of this? does he know or was it just the OM's W who knows?
Author memories Posted April 5, 2007 Author Posted April 5, 2007 Do both of you have plans on divorcing any time in the very near future? We have both been to see lawyers. So has his wife.
Author memories Posted April 5, 2007 Author Posted April 5, 2007 you didnt say how your husband felt about all of this? does he know or was it just the OM's W who knows? My H knows too. He is just trying to figure out what I want. I've told him I think we should seperate and give a go at being w/o one another. He just doesn't really want to do that and thinks I am going to "snap out" of this, even though he says he knows where my heart and mind are. I think he's hoping something will change, but the fact is our relationship has been void for several years now and I have given up on making it work. I tried everything I could do to try and make our marriage a happy, exciting, loving marriage. He never jumped on board. Now he's actually trying and his comment to me when I asked him why he's trying now. He said "I didn't realize you were serious until now"
sadbuttrue Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 even with him trying now, you still dont see any hope?
Author memories Posted April 5, 2007 Author Posted April 5, 2007 even with him trying now, you still dont see any hope? No not really. I mean he is a wonderful man and has always been very supportive to me, but emotionally he is empty. Has always been. We are 2 totally opposite people who have a very hard time reaching a common ground. It's hard to explain but it's very stressful being around him and I've feel like I've lost myself. I feel his attempt at trying now is pretty much "too little too late" I also think it has to do with his ego since another man is involved more than realizing the relationship has been needing attention. I'm at the point where I feel I'm damaging my children more by staying in this marriage than getting out. We are certainly not showing them what a loving healthy relationship is. I don't want them to model their relationships from this one.
sadbuttrue Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 sounds like you have made up your mind. i think you probably should get out whether OM leaves his W or not. life is too short to waste time being so unhappy and unfulfilled.
Freedom Now Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 I agree with sadbuttrue. Life is too short to be miserable. And your kids deserve to have a good example of a healthy, loving relationship so they can emulate that in their lives. Best of luck to you.
Trialbyfire Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 Yes, get out. When you're in a relationship with a commitment-deficient person, whether it's your spouse or your OM, it's time to move on, if not for you, for your children because they deserve a better role-model for healthy relationships.
pureinheart Posted April 8, 2007 Posted April 8, 2007 Hey memories....my heart goes out to you and this is the very reason I do not choose to be in a relationship at this point in my life....much hurt and pain involved. I am so sorry for what you are going through....my prayers and thoughts are with you
stillhere Posted April 8, 2007 Posted April 8, 2007 I agree that you should leave, but it must be for you, not for your OM. I too was in a M like yours. My H played when he wanted, did anything and everything HE wanted. He spent money like water, on himself. Our daughter being born changed nothing. He bought her a package of diapers once, and that was because i had a fit. If he could go to the casino, he could buy our daughter diapers. Yet he had thousand upon thousands of dollars to spend on his car, while i supported our daughter and his 2 other kids. Anyways, i complained, i sat him down and told him enough was enough. He changed his ways for about a week, then he would go back to his old ways. I wanted out so bad. He had so much control over me and made me feel so guilty. I called my dad, begging for his help to get me out of this (yes, i'm a daddy's girl). He did what he could to help me, but my H always made me feel like i was ruining our daughter's life. I asked him to leave twice, but he would cry and plead, so i would give in and try to make it work. My heart had left the M long before. Any effort on his part was, like you said, too little too late. I found myself in the arms of my MM. My H found out about my A about 6 months in. I asked him to leave once again, and i finally stuck to it. I did it for me, not my MM. I knew that i would be happier without my H. I was right. 19 months later and i'm still with my MM. It's been a roller coaster ride of emotions, but i'm thankful for the strength my MM gave me to walk away from a horrible situation. I'm in a much better place now, and i'm thankful for that. Like i said, i left for me, but i admit that my MM was a rock i could lean on, and i drew my strength from him. Without him in my life, i'd more than likely still be with my H, living in misery. My H's last ditch effort was to tell me that "no one will ever love me, all i'm good for is a f*ck". That stung, but i didn't let him see the pain in my eyes. That thought occassionally pops into my head, when i'm having a rough patch with my MM, but he was wrong, and i will prove it to him. D*mn, i really went off on a tangent! Leave your M if you feel that your children and yourself will benefit, but don't do it for anyone else.
Guest Posted April 8, 2007 Posted April 8, 2007 Thank you all for your replies. I'm no further today at understanding what is going on than I was when I last posted. Basically MM is a very patient (slow moving) man. He takes his time and doesn't say much unless he means it. He speaks from his heart and head, not out of his ass. I am very impatient and want to do now, act now, know now, etc. So this is the issue I'm having. On Wednesday we found out his wife was acessing his accounts and found out about the last time we were together. She didn't answer her phone Wednesday and he briefly talked with her Thursday. He called me to tell me he was having lunch and would call me before he flew out. Well that never happened but he did send me an email basically saying he wasn't calling me. (Which is fine b/c I know him and this is how he deals with things.) He takes his time thinking things through. I don't mind giving him that space as I don't like to be pressured and I know he will talk and discuss his feelings when he has processed them through. He called me on Friday but the conversation was short (wife came home.) I haven't heard from him Saturday or yet today. I know his parents are in town and it is Easter weekend. So I just need input. He is a very wonderful man. This affair is killing him (and me and our spouses) I have told him to end it with me and work it out with his wife. I've tried to walk away, I've tried to push him away. He doesn't want to end it, he says he wants to be with me. I know both of our hearts yearn for one another, but then sometimes I get angry/hurt b/c nothing is changing. I REALLY don't want to be made a fool. I trust him and believe what he tells me, but at times I am sooooo afraid it all won't be true. I know many will say he's a MM having an affair lying to his wife why would he not lie to you? The only thing he's lying to his wife about is having this relationship with me. He's been honest with her about his feelings for her. He started MC and quit b/c he told the counselor he didn't want to be in the marriage. He started IC to work on his feelings with abondoning his children. (He feels if he leaves his wife he is abondoning his children and is trying to work on that issue) Am I being a fool or just impatient or maybe an impatient fool? My head is spinning. I really truly believe him (remember I've knew him prior to our affair) but I guess I'm just scared............any thoughts????
Author memories Posted April 8, 2007 Author Posted April 8, 2007 Thank you all for your replies. I'm no further today at understanding what is going on than I was when I last posted. Basically MM is a very patient (slow moving) man. He takes his time and doesn't say much unless he means it. He speaks from his heart and head, not out of his ass. I am very impatient and want to do now, act now, know now, etc. So this is the issue I'm having. On Wednesday we found out his wife was acessing his accounts and found out about the last time we were together. She didn't answer her phone Wednesday and he briefly talked with her Thursday. He called me to tell me he was having lunch and would call me before he flew out. Well that never happened but he did send me an email basically saying he wasn't calling me. (Which is fine b/c I know him and this is how he deals with things.) He takes his time thinking things through. I don't mind giving him that space as I don't like to be pressured and I know he will talk and discuss his feelings when he has processed them through. He called me on Friday but the conversation was short (wife came home.) I haven't heard from him Saturday or yet today. I know his parents are in town and it is Easter weekend. So I just need input. He is a very wonderful man. This affair is killing him (and me and our spouses) I have told him to end it with me and work it out with his wife. I've tried to walk away, I've tried to push him away. He doesn't want to end it, he says he wants to be with me. I know both of our hearts yearn for one another, but then sometimes I get angry/hurt b/c nothing is changing. I REALLY don't want to be made a fool. I trust him and believe what he tells me, but at times I am sooooo afraid it all won't be true. I know many will say he's a MM having an affair lying to his wife why would he not lie to you? The only thing he's lying to his wife about is having this relationship with me. He's been honest with her about his feelings for her. He started MC and quit b/c he told the counselor he didn't want to be in the marriage. He started IC to work on his feelings with abondoning his children. (He feels if he leaves his wife he is abondoning his children and is trying to work on that issue) Am I being a fool or just impatient or maybe an impatient fool? My head is spinning. I really truly believe him (remember I've knew him prior to our affair) but I guess I'm just scared............any thoughts????
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