Six weeks of NC, last night he calls....

[sapphire0903]

It was a drunk call mind you.............I did speak to him.

I don't harbor any anger towards him, ......I told him this, Iam trying to do the right thing here.

Anyways, he spent an hour or so telling me how much he loves me, misses me, wants me, and wants me to come back.....I told him that is pretty scary for me considering it took me so long to get to where I was (NC)

He told me the bad part about his marriage, is how he feels about me.........(WTF?!) and tells me not to give up so quickly.........(REALLY ...WTF!!!??)

I told him I could not go back, that I only want to go forward, and I don't have anything to hope for or hang onto.

 

I have to say, that it felt good to hear that he thinks of me twenty times a day, and he is hurting too, that we are not together, but when he told me that when he lays down at night, and when he is intimate with his wife, that he is thinking of me, I did not feel anything but sad, and sickened.

 

I have not crumbled, but I feel like I have taken a big step backwards emotionally.

 

Just wanted to update........thanks for any support........

[HappyAtLast]

I am sorry, I don't know your situation, but it does not seem like it is a good thing for you to be speaking with this man. Obviously, he is staying with his wife, regardless of how he may or may not feel. Based on that and all of the work that you have done to get over him, it seems like you may be doing yourself a disservice by speaking with him.

[GreenEyedLady]

I have to say, that it felt good to hear that he thinks of me twenty times a day, and he is hurting too, that we are not together, but when he told me that when he lays down at night, and when he is intimate with his wife, that he is thinking of me, I did not feel anything but sad, and sickened.

 

I have not crumbled, but I feel like I have taken a big step backwards emotionally.

 

Just wanted to update........thanks for any support........

 

You have actually taken a big step forward....Good for you for being strong!

 

I bolded what I thought was really nice of him to tell you...

 

You're doing great and you're better off without him...

 

(((HUGS)))

[PoshPrincess]

I know what you're going through Sapphire. I had the same thing with exMM and friends kept telling me how unfair he was being on me by contacting me after I had been strong enough to initiate NC. They were right of course but, like you, it felt good to know he was hurting too so I enjoyed it in a masochistic kind of way. It gave me a feeling of power I suppose.

 

I last had contact with my exMM 6 weeks ago and it hurt like hell. It seems to be taking even lomger for me to get him out of my head this time. It wasn't his fault. I turned up somewhere where I knew he would be. Although I have tried to contact him a few times since he has made no moves to get in touch with me which is good. That's what I need! Hopefully the same will happen for you in time if that's what you want. In some ways I wish exMM would contact me but I know it would do me more harm than good. I still play those stupid scenarios in my head where he phones or turns up and tells me he can't live without me, that he has left to be with me but that is pure fantasy on my part. I know deep down it will NEVER happen and therefore have to try and move on, as much as it hurts.

 

I wish you the best of luck. You know we are all here to support you.

[whichwayisup]

If he truely was unhappy with his wife and had a really bad marriage, he'd walk away and be with you.

 

All this did was feed your ego, make you feel good that he was suffering. Don't get used to it, and don't contact him again. NO good can come of it, even if you are feeling fine now, and think of it as no big deal. Let go, move on and don't look back.

[PoshPrincess]

If he truely was unhappy with his wife and had a really bad marriage, he'd walk away and be with you.

 

Sapphire, does your MM have kids? If so, I don't necessarily agree with the above; if he hasn't then I don't see any reason why he wouldn't leave to be with you if he DOES love you. Life isn't that simple. That said, he HAS decided to stay with his W for whatever reasons, so you really have to let him get on with it. I am trying to do the same (though not v successfully, I might add!) You're not being fair on anyone, least of all yourself. We deserve better!!! Don't torture yourself by staying in touch!

 

Also, I hate to say this, but his M can't be that bad if him and his W are still intimate can it?......just my opinion.

[sapphire0903]

Hi all,

 

To clarify, he called me, I did not call him.

To answer,

He does have children, they are both due to graduate college this summer.

He has a strong provider sense to his family. (wife included) I know the 2 1/2 years with me is no competition for the 23 years they have spent together.

They were separated 1yr when we began dating, ..........things changed, when she found out he was dating she became more insistant about family get togethers, her included......

Her statement "you fell in love with me once, you can do it again"......

i think "maybe"

I have no intention of contacting him, but I feel confident enough that when he does this again, I will still stand my ground,..........I don't want to settle for what it was, I was not happy. We dwindled from spending all our time together to maybe once a week.

Even though small amounts of time with him were wonderful, it simply is not worth the price I pay with my heart.

[Freedom Now]

Sapphire,

 

I have gone through what you have just gone through for the past year. NC on and off from him. A week or two or a month or two would go by and then I would get some type of contact from him....all saying the same stuff your MM said to you....blah, blah, blah. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be surprised if I got an Easter email wishing my family a blessed and happy Easter. Whatever.

 

Now I just yawn when I get an email from him or a phone call or a text message. He no longer has the power to hurt me or ruffle me. I simply just love my life and myself too much to have him muck it up....and if I would give him the chance, he would happily make me his OW again. Yuck.

 

He had his chance to be with me and he blew it.

 

And, remember one thing: He is missing you everyday because he is CHOOSING to miss you.

 

He gets no pity from me nor should he get it from you. He made his choice. Now force him to live with it. And put him out of your mind if you can. He made his choice. You are worth far more than the garbage he would put you through.

 

Keep moving in the right direction. Keep your power and keep walking away.

 

His loss and me thinks he is starting to realize that now....

[sapphire0903]

Everyone,

Thank you for your words, Believe me I am listening (so to speak).

Freedom,

May I ask, where would you say your turning point was for MM?

Was it just time passing and you tire of the BS?

or something different?

I often wonder if someone else has to fill the void I feel in my heart, but on the other hand, I know it would not be fair to someone else if my heart is with MM still. (make sense?)

regardless though, through my friends support as well as the support given on this board, I feel I will be OK

[Freedom Now]

You know....I haven't really had a date since my MM, so there wasn't someone else to guide me through this shyt storm....

 

But, I turned the point, I think, when I actually took stock of all of the things that he did to me. That fact that he lied about being married was a biggie. Also, when given the chance to be with me, he opted to deny my existence to his wife. And then, when he would make contact, he whined about how miserable he was but had no intention of making any real change to make his life better. Yet, in spite of my stoic refusal to re-enter the affair, he continued to try to entice me with gifts and trips and promises. And that insulted me.

 

I am not for sale. And I honestly think that I am the first woman to ever tell this man NO.

 

His wife is a mess still. And I don't blame her. She is living with a very selfish, egotistical man who continues to lie to her about me to this day. And her gut tells her something other than what he has said about me. She is smarter than he gives her credit for. For her greatest fears are true. We DID love each other. We DID have a physical relationship. He DOES still contact me and tell me he loves me....and the list goes on and on and on....

 

I guess I just got bored with the whole thing.

 

Yeah, that's it. He and his life bore me now.

 

And he is nothing like me. I thought we were soulmates, but he destroyed any chance of me ever even caring a little bit about him. I have high expectations of any man I am involved with and he committed serious infractions when the critical time came for him to be a REAL man and admit what he had done.

 

But he failed. And I don't date failures.

 

And I know this may seem harsh, but what he put me and my kids through was much harsher. He simply isn't worth my time or energy now.

 

I KNOW my value. And so does he. And even if he did show up on my doorstep in the future a free man, there is no way I would ever feel for him the way I did. He just screwed up way too much. And that is a dealbreaker for me - with ANY man.

 

And I KNOW I deserve way better than what he to this day still offers me.

 

I am nobody's second choice.

 

[woe_is_me]

No one will fill the void he has left, u cannot have that kind of relationship with anyone else unless of course you find another MM.

(Why would anyone want to go through such torture again?)

 

'Limerance' is what keeps the A thriving. This can go on for YEARS.

 

It's why we don't see ads on television with happy 'other women' in them - because it's not supposed to be. It can't be.

 

He must leave his W if he so desires you. You musn't settle for anything less.

 

They are still having sex? He is a loooooooooong way from leaving (if ever).

 

W gets the cake You get the crumbs

[Freedom Now]

And, just recently, I have had a few dates here and there with some wonderful men in the past few months, but none of them really interested me. But those dates did remind me of how an available man treats you.

 

There are no hidden calls, no sneaking around, no lies, and no deceit.

 

These men, although not incredibly appealing to me, reminded me what it was like dating in the "light" so to speak.

 

And I will never, ever live in the "darkness" again.

 

And, FYI, I am quite interested in a super man right now who is incredibly attentive and has many attributes that I look for in a mate. So, slowly and tentatively, I am reentering the world of dating again...after a long, long winter....

 

But, I like him and he likes me. And that is a wonderful feeling.

 

And I love that feeling. He wants to shout out his feelings to the world about me. How refreshing....and how different from the behavior my xMM exhibited.

 

But that is how it should be...you should be able to shout out your feelings for someone to the world!

 

Hang tough...it was a long year for me, but I think my strength and perseverence has paid off. I did my grieving, did my time in the dumps, and then emerged stronger and wiser and more empowered.

 

My life is happy and fulfilling with or without a man....and I love my life. Doors have opened for me personally and professionally to help guide me on the right path...and I just know I am going in the right direction. Success is guiding me.

 

And as for this new single guy......

 

I like him.

 

Alot.

 

And I think that is a step in the right direction.....

 

And Sapphire, you will get there. You deserve so, so much better.

 

Believe it.

[GreenEyedLady]

FN: I'm glad that you've found happiness and peace...

[Freedom Now]

Thank you GEL.

 

After a very, very long year, I have found happiness and peace.

 

All my best to you, too.

 

FN

[Freedom Now]

As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be surprised if I got an Easter email wishing my family a blessed and happy Easter.

 

Well, I was wrong. I didn't get an email tonight wishing me a Happy Easter. This one said that he missed and respected me like crazy....and he has been told in no uncertain terms that I will NOT be his OW. And FYI, it has been weeks since I have heard from him....

 

My response: nothing. There is simply nothing left to say.

 

He made his bed, now he will lie in it.

 

(Sorry for the threadjack, Sapphire...)

[sapphire0903]

Freedom,

You are an inspiring individual..........I am looking forward to the day when MM becomes a bore.

Right now, I am trying my best to fight off feelings of missing him, lonliness ect.

I try to remind myself, as you said, "it was his choice"

 

I don't believe he has a " bad marriage". in fact, he told me in the beginning that it was not "bad" it just felt that after all these years W was not as sexual as he is, & that was just her, and not that she was a terrible person, he just accepted her as she was, and felt he could not live like that any longer.............fastforward to today, she tells him "I will f*** you five times a day if that is what you want!" So..................he tells me she is trying ............He must feel obligated to try, and I understand that, I removed myself as a factor, a problem.

So when he tells me "the only thing bad in my marriage is how I feel about you" I think "remove me from your mind, and there wont be a anything bad"

 

I believe timing is everything,...........this just was not our time.

[Freedom Now]

Sapphire, you will get there. Your heart WILL catch up with your head.

 

Unfortunately, it just takes time and allowing yourself to go through the steps of grieving. And it sucks, I know.

 

Understand, though, that you are a worthy individual and that this situation may have crippled you, but it did not destroy you. You are stronger than this crisis.

 

Hold your head up.

 

You have much to be proud of.

 

And, I agree with you. It is all in the matter of timing. If you had met your MM at the right TIME in his life, there is probably no way he would have ever let you go. Unfortunately, your timing is not his.

 

That is a wise thing to understand, Sapphire. You are further along than you realize.

 

FN

[sapphire0903]

Freedom,

Thank you, I really do appreciate your insightful words of encouragement.

You are right, I am not destroyed, I am heart broken, and I will get over it.

 

Hopefuly the next time I post, I will be a bit stronger than now.

[Freedom Now]

Every time my xMM contacted me throughout this last year, I took steps backwards into my recovery. I would take several steps forward and with his sporatic contact with me, I would digress.

 

On one hand, I would feel vindicated to know that he was struggling without me, but on the other hand, I could intellectualize that his contact was doing me more harm than good. For his contact brought back old feelings of love and yearning. And that wasn't healthy for me.

 

And after each contact, I was in a funk for a period of time. I backslid emotionally. But, with each contact, too, I got a little bit stronger and stronger.

 

I got indignant. And even though I took steps back, they weren't as many steps backwards as forward. So, I got stronger little by little.

 

And I became immune to his words. They were just words: no action. And I just wasn't willing to put my heart on the line for just a string of words. So WHAT if he loved me? Where did that get me? So WHAT if he missed me and respected me? That got me nowhere either. They were just words.

 

And I want to be with a man who would go to the ends of the earth to be with me. I'm just funny that way....

 

So, prepare yourself.

 

He isn't done with you yet. The contact, if he is like my xMM, will continue. Heck, it's been over one year since D-Day, and I still hear from him.

 

But, understand that you WILL get stronger. You will digress if you hear from him, but in spite of that, you WILL get stronger and indignant.

 

And you, too, will get bored with the same tired old lines.

 

I promise.

 

Until then, hang in there and know that I have walked where you are walking.

 

There is light at the end of the tunnel for you.

 

And there is peace here, too.

 

Blessed peace.

[PoshPrincess]

Well, I was wrong. I didn't get an email tonight wishing me a Happy Easter. This one said that he missed and respected me like crazy....and he has been told in no uncertain terms that I will NOT be his OW. And FYI, it has been weeks since I have heard from him....

 

My response: nothing. There is simply nothing left to say.

 

He made his bed, now he will lie in it.

 

(Sorry for the threadjack, Sapphire...)

 

Well done, Freedom. SO wish I could be that strong!!!!

 

Sapphire, what everyone is telling you here is right. You have to stick with it because it DOES get easier. As much as I am still hurting and missing exMM big time it is a hell of a lot better than it was 6 months ago. I am hoping I will get to the point where I don't give a s**t. I'm sure it will happen and that is what I am holding out for.

[Freedom Now]

Posh, you ARE that strong.

 

You are further along than you think....

 

Keep moving in the right direction.

 

Peace.