mikicmikido Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 So, I have been separated for close to three months now from a 7 year marriage in which there was no sex for the most part for the last 2 or 3 years. Anyhow, I recently started sleeping with a guy who I have known for a few years and has been my closest friend. He has strong feelings for me and I think I do for him but I know that I am probably a bit nuts right now so I have told him that I can't promise him anything. Now for the problem. We live in a small community. His mother has always been kind of outspoken and moody but hey, so am I so whatever. It's not like I am dating her or have to see her all the time. She has always been nice to me to my face, but my BF has been under some strain from her and his sister for spending too much time away from work and home (theyown a business together that they are renovating). They don't live together but kind of do as the sis and mom live together and he took over a separate building on the next lot where he lives. He just told his mom that we have become romantic and asked her to keep it somewhat private as we only want to let family and close friends know at this point cause I am recently sparated and am a touch disturbed by what some small town value type of folks might have to say about this. Well she flipped about the whole thing. She told him that she has never been more disappointed in him. She says that my bed isn't even cold yet. That I am playing him, using him, etc. Several days later it was his birthday and he asked me to come for dinner with his sis and her BF, his mom and him. Just a BBQ. I said I didn't know and that perhaps he should ask her if there was enough food and to see if it was alright, blah, blah blah. She flipped again and when he got home she had left to go out with a friend. Yikes. Decided yesterday that maybe we should both talk to her and let her know that this was not a sinister situation. He wanted to stop at work to pick something up on the way to see her. I waited, the mother shows up cause an acquaintance from many years ago had died of old age and she wanted him to go to the wake where she had just come from. Then she says to me in quite a vicious hate filled voice. "People were talking about you getting a divorce and that you're spending time with your worker. Nice talk." and glares at me. My BF had done work (construction) at my home for my ex and I. Can't really convey the mood in words but it was ugly. So I excused myself and said that I would wait outside. Then she leaves a minute or two later. He doesn't come out for close to ten minutes so I left. He didn't stand up for me. Am I overreacting? What to do?
Author mikicmikido Posted April 5, 2007 Author Posted April 5, 2007 Oh, I am 31 he 35. He did come over last night and cry and say he would talk to her and all that but aren't these just a ton of red flags? Am I crazy? Should I just stop seeing him now?
oppath Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 Ok, I see yellow flags. His mother should not be directing hostility at you and yes, he should stand up for you. Empathize with her, however, that she wants to protect her son from being hurt. You yourself imply you aren't ready for something serious yet. She doesn't want her son to be hurt. This does not excuse her behavior. Your boyfriend must (1) know you feel disrespected and (2) talk to his mom and likely (3) just not bring you around her for a while until your relationship is more greatly solidified. In her minds eye, you are not divorced yet, and until you are, you are a threat to her son. That isn't rational but it is not irrational either. I'm sure that if you take steps to finalize the divorce and as your relationship grows stronger, she'll be accepting.
Author mikicmikido Posted April 6, 2007 Author Posted April 6, 2007 I am just having such a hard time getting past the actual meanness of her words. I can see that keeping me away for a while would help, but at the same time, I wonder if I should just skip this scene altogether cause it is really hurtful and I really just started up with this out of a need to feel close to someone that I care about. I don't know. Also, what if she is saying nasty things about me around town? How deep is her hatred? This is so horrible.
oppath Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 Her son should be seeing red flags. You just got separated. Your divorce isn't final. You yourself admit that you aren't sure if you can offer anything and you basically state you want to be close to someone, anyone, you care about and who cares about you. It is not a convincing case that THIS IS THE GUY you want to be close to and care about. I agree with you, however, that dealing with an angry mother is not a good place to be. I have no advice for you. What I would suggest is to leave the mother out and examine if you really want to be with this guy, or if you just want to feel close to and loved by someone you also care for. You should base your decision on that question.
Author mikicmikido Posted April 7, 2007 Author Posted April 7, 2007 Ouch. That kind of hurt, so I guess it must be true. Is it so wrong to just want to be happy and have a good time? Why do we always have to deal with the future and consequences?
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