Why does she act this way?

[cecil brown]

Hey guys/gals,

 

I know I'll never have a definitive answer, but it helps to talk.

 

A quick recap, after a somewhat rocky 2 years, she dumped me in November, turned very cold to me, told me she see's no future, leave her alone , etc, only to come back a 6 weeks later. Thought things were heading in the right direction, but 3 weeks later, after an arguement (my fault) she left again.

 

I enrolled in a 6 week anger management class to help myself (I also go to bi-weekly counseling), and we stayed in casual contact. She started calling me more frequently over the last few weeks and she was becoming warmer to me again. We went out to dinner, movies, had intimacy, etc. She said she loved me, missed me, but she still didn't know if she wanted to be together again. I tried not to push the issue, because I didn't want to push her away. Even though she said she wasn't sure what she wanted, she agreed things were heading in a better direction. Last week, was probably our best week in a long time. We had great intimacy, she was loving, good communication, she even asked me to look at houses with her and we talked about our possible future together.

 

Obviously, this left me very confused. She saying she doesn't know what she wants, but yet she tells me she loves me and is looking at houses with me? I asked her how she could do that, and her answers were I don't know. This was last Friday and she was a little agitated.

 

Well, after a weekend we had little contact, we talked Monday and she grew increasingly frustrated. Stressing she doesn't know what she wants and maybe she needs some space. i was thinking WTF? But I said OK, relax, take some times to gather your thoughts, and we'll talk again.

 

Monday night she sent me an e-mail saying she could no longer continue. she needed a fresh start, too many bad memories to overcome, and that it would be good for both of us to see what else is out there in this world. She said I deserved someone who wouldn't keep my emotions on a roller coaster and that she's sorry for all she has put me through. She said don't be mad, and don't try to save this relationship. She said she honestly doesn't see this working out how either one of us want it to. She said she knows her indecisiveness kills me, and she promises she'll never contact me again.

 

So I called her the next day trying to figure out what the hell was going on, and she immediatley turned cold, telling me there was nothing else to talk about and to basically move on with my life. Now she won't answer any calls or e-mails, so I clearly get the message that she's done with me yet again.

 

Talk about hurt and confused. It's like a repeat of November all over again. I've done everything I can to try to help. I have offered to go to couples counseling, etc, but to no avail.

 

How can she be so flaky and turn so cold so quickly? Why come back if you don't want to put in the work required to make things successful?

 

I'm in such a deep despair over this. this woman has my emotions, and i can't seem to get them back.

[InvisibleTouch]

Hi,

 

What you are experiencing is very similar to what I have gone through. Unfortunately you only have one option and that is to let her go. There will be some deep routed reasons as to why she cant or wont commit despite her positive words. Commitment issues normally stem from unhealthy influences in the past. You may know about these of they may be a secret. Regardless of what these are the fact remains that she has issues with commitement.

 

What is important is that you now address your issues. You can't fix her or help her but you can help yourself. Do not allow yourself to be dragged into her confusion. From what you have said this has already happened. Try and and get your mind back in the land of the healthy and well balanced. "Normal" people dont behave like her so ask yourself why you are obsessing after her. Be honest. I have a feeling that promises aside it is the rejection you are struggling with.

[cecil brown]

Thanks for the reponse.

 

Yes, the rejection is very difficult for me to handle.

 

I'll be 30 soon, and I've already been married once, but I can honestly say, this was the first woman I've ever truly loved. Guess that's why I feel so defeated. I've tried so hard to please her and make things right, and to see her walk away just sucks the life out of me.

[InvisibleTouch]

Im going to give you the most valuable piece of advice you could possible get.

 

Its not you!

 

She is not walking away from your love she is walking away from something she does not understand.

 

You however do understand. Take time to work on your low self esteem. Ask yourself some difficult questions about why and how you tick. Are you codependant? If so why? That will be at the root of your feelings of rejection.

[cecil brown]

You are right; my self esteem definitely needs some improvement.

 

And part of me does feel responsible for this. I feel that I made a lot of mistakes in our relationship, which ultimately led to her leaving.

 

I've been going to counseling for almost a year now, but I'm still having a hard time grasping the concept that it's not all my fault.

 

Though I can say, she was definitely no saint and needed counseling herself.

 

It's just a very confusing time.

[InvisibleTouch]

Just go NC and stop being so hard on yourself. You are only human and mistakes are common practice really. The important thing is that we learn from those mistakes and develop as individuals.

 

Stop trying to please everyone. Discover your self esteem and value and understand that rejection is ok and that it doesn't reflect your perceived lack of value.

 

Wanting to spend your life with a fruitcake suggests you are not thinking straight. Keep looking within you not within her.

[cecil brown]

Thanks for the advice. It's gonna take some time, but I know things will work out for the best. At least I try to keep telling myself that