wanda98 Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 Two months ago I broke up with my ex in spectacular fashion. (see my posts for the thread....) I have recently found out that he has moved in with his OW that was stalking me when we were together. I have no wishes to be back in his life, and I dont want him in mine. We have made a clean break. However....I still find myself feeling hurt and betrayed and thinking about them all the time. Mostly I think about the fact that these two people have benefitted by the situation which has made me so sad, depressed, lonely and lost. That is, they have moved on and gotten together and are now presumably happy.....I was the unaware victim of the affair and now I am the miserable one. I know this sounds defeatist and like Im feeling sorry for myself, but how do I cope with that feeling - sad that I have been just left behind and dumped, but still glad to be rid of him. please dont say "just get over it" because that doesnt work.....
Craig Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 Mostly I think about the fact that these two people have benefitted by the situation which has made me so sad, depressed, lonely and lost. That is, they have moved on and gotten together and are now presumably happy.....I was the unaware victim of the affair and now I am the miserable one. Why would you want to be with a guy that can cheat so easily? I think you are lucky to have found out about his character and have him out of your life. She's no poster child for stability either, I mean look at the fact that she did pursue (stalk actually) your ex based on a fantasy of him not reality. So they appear to be happy? Maybe they are but soon the doubts will begin to creep into their "relationship." She'll always know that he could do it to her (like he did to you) and he will always know that she could form another irrational attraction to a fantasy of what some other guy is like and leave him. No they aren't happy, they are just in a state of mutual delusion that is temporary. What are you doing to heal yourself?
stillafool Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 Dear Wanda, I really feel for you. I took the time to read your story on your ex and you were so lucky to find out he was a cheater before you got engaged to him. The fact that he told the OW he loved her tells you they were having sex while he was with you. The fact that he told her he loved her knowing the two of you were to get engaged in a couple of weeks tells you the type of person he is. The fact that you two lived together and shared all your dreams and hopes for the future, yet when caught he couldn't even be man enough to face you to talk, not even over the phone, should tell you the type of man he is also. I was in love with a cheater 20 years ago. Another girl took him from me much in the same fashion you are experiencing, and they married. Well they have been married for 20 years and he has had one affair after another. Your ex will not change, he is a coward and is selfish. He may not have contacted you but I will bet he hasn't forgotten you, (you can feel better in that thought) and I bet he misses the hell out of you. He wouldn't have bothered getting a ring if he didn't feel for you. He probably is one to compartmentalize relationships. He will marry but will still have affairs. I won't tell you to just get over him - the facts speak for themselves. Good Luck to you Wanda, you may not see it yet but your prince is on his horse and on his way to you right now.
Author wanda98 Posted April 6, 2007 Author Posted April 6, 2007 Why would you want to be with a guy that can cheat so easily? I think you are lucky to have found out about his character and have him out of your life. quote] thats pretty much what I have been telling myself. I think that the fact that I dont really miss him anymore and have seen the clarity of the situation (seen the bad points and havent looked back) has really helped. I guess though even though I really dont want him back in my life, I miss the presence of another person.....does that make sense? I also miss the good things that he represented, and me feeling happy when he was around. What are you doing to heal yourself? Firstly Im trying to stop thinking about them and ignore the thoughts every time they pop into my head. I am trying to keep busy with work, friends so that I dont have 'quiet' thinking time. I am trying to think about all the negative things that I never liked about him whenever I do catch myself thinking about him. I am trying to look to the good things I have in life. the problem is - no matter how much I try...I sometimes think I am like some kind of machine... I keep replaying the same film over and over in my head. In this film, its like I see the two of them playing out a memory I have of when I was happy with my ex - holidays we took, having a glass of wine by the fireplace, talking about having kids one day.....then I get the same empty feeling in the bottom of my stomach and then the same feeling of loss. That sounds weird I know
Cossette4 Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 I still find myself feeling hurt and betrayed and thinking about them all the time. Mostly I think about the fact that these two people have benefitted by the situation which has made me so sad, depressed, lonely and lost. That is, they have moved on and gotten together and are now presumably happy.....I was the unaware victim of the affair and now I am the miserable one. I have this EXACT same feeling. You couldn't have worded it any better. Quick background in case you haven't read my other posts...(first and only boyfriend of 5 years breaks up with me over the phone while I'm away for the summer and I come back to find him moved in together with a girl he met at work--she's bisexual, a highschool dropout, covered in tattoos and piercings, and has a website where she posts naked pics of herself wrapped in ducttape and bubblewrap and tells people to rate her body....yeah. This is basically my total opposite in every way, shape, and form.) I don't want him back because clearly, he sucks, but I don't want him happy either!!
LakesideDream Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 It's been more than six years since my divorce.. from a long time cheating wife of 25 years. For more than a month I would choke up, or even break into tears spontaniously.. at home, in public.. it was a mess and very embarrasing. To this day, I don't understand why it happened (the emotions), I wasn't unhappy about the breakup. I was devistated by the upheaval. It took months before it popped into my mind with regularity and years before it stopped all together. To this day the thought of her "living happily ever after" pisses me off. Alas, it's out of my hands, and the screaching din has quieted to a once or month thought... and outburst aloud of "F-you" or "I hate you" under my breath. It happens.
Craig Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 I guess though even though I really dont want him back in my life, I miss the presence of another person.....does that make sense? I also miss the good things that he represented, and me feeling happy when he was around. Of course you miss the presence of another person and of course you miss the good things about him and the way you felt when you were around him but that person if he ever existed is gone forever. I think you're doing just fine and are experiencing a lot of the normal thoughts and feelings. In addition to what you are doing I think that time will help you tremendously.
Trialbyfire Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 No matter how hard you try, they leave a void in your life. You miss what you had, the good times and the person you thought they were. There's nothing wrong with mourning the loss. It's not easy to just get over it and move on. You need to let yourself feel those emotions and, when you're ready, you will move on.
Author wanda98 Posted April 6, 2007 Author Posted April 6, 2007 I just wish that I could stop myself thinking about them. Its strange but so many people have said that it will get better with time, but I dont think it is. I am just getting angrier and angrier about it all...I feel that by letting him go without me confonting him, and making him realise how much he hurt me has just made it easier for both of them to get on with their lives, and me being calm and trying to move on isnt really helping me get on with mine. I just want to get him out of my head, but its not going away!!!!! I hate feeling torn between wanting to yell at him and not wanting to ever see him again
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